An Ex to Grind in Deadwood (Deadwood Humorous Mystery Book 5) Paperback – September 4, 2014

by Ann Charles

  My phone buzzed in my pocket several times during the meeting, but Jerry had made it clear a couple of weeks ago that cell phones were supposed to be muted and not answered during company meetings. If it was Detective Hawke calling for the umpteenth time, I didn’t want to talk to him anyway. Dealing with one pain-in-the-ass cop was bad enough, I didn’t need two law dogs nipping at my heels day and night.

  When lunch finally wrapped up, I zipped out of there like Speedy Gonzales, wanting some fresh air and space to get my head back in the game. Big, puffy clouds floated overhead like cottony bundles of flotsam, letting the jet stream swirl them across the sky. A cool breeze made me button up my cable-knit sweater.

  Enough with this Doc and marriage shit, I told myself. If he didn’t want to play house for the long term, that was fine and dandy. Aunt Zoe was a great role model—strong, independent, in charge of her own destiny.

  I adjusted my collar. Although this whole deal with Reid seemed to have made her stumble a bit lately. My chest constricted thinking back on the way Reid had looked that night in the forest. Truth be told, I liked Reid and sort of wanted him to win her over, even if it meant she was no longer my role model for singledom, and my kids and I had to find a new home. With the commission from Cornelius’s purchase of the hotel, I’d be able to afford a deposit on an apartment up in Lead and several months’ rent until I had more sales.

  Doc said he isn’t going to marry her, remember? Layne’s voice replayed in my thoughts.

  “So screw him,” I grumbled, climbing in the Picklemobile.

  Actually, that was what had gotten me in trouble with Doc in the first place.

  My cell phone buzzed as I pulled into my parking spot at Calamity Jane’s. Doc’s Camaro was gone, I noticed, shifting into park. He must be out at the client appointment he had told me about last night. Good. I could probably use a little more cartwheeling at my internal pep rally before I could resist kicking him in the shin.

  I pulled out my phone as the Picklemobile let out her final sputter and bang, relieved to see the name on the screen.

  “Hello, Cornelius.”

  “Who is this?” he asked.

  “You called me, who do you think I am?”

  “This is intriguing. Let’s see, are you alive or dead?”

  I pondered that for a moment. “On the inside or outside?”

  “Inside. It’s common knowledge that all dead cells float to the surface and flake off, so your outside is in a constant state of death and decay.”

  Gross! That wasn’t true, was it? “My blood is still red.”

  “What about your heart?”

  “It’s hard and thorny.”

  “Ah ha! This must be Violet Parker then.”

  “Now wait a second,” I said, not liking how his game had ended. “I was kidding around about my heart.”

  “I know,” he chuckled. “That’s how I knew it was you, Violet. Now what do you need from me?”

  “You’re the one who called me.”

  “Did you not request me to set up a séance with you?”

  “Are you back in town?”

  “I don’t understand the question.”

  “Never mind,” I said, getting out of the Picklemobile. “What do I need to bring to the séance?”

  “Elk.”

  “A live one?” Since it was Cornelius, I thought I’d better make sure.

  “Of course not,” he said as if I were the ridiculous one in this conversation. “I don’t have this suite set up for butchering. Just bring three elk steaks.”

  “You’re not going to do anything weird with elk blood are you?”

  He laughed. “Most of the blood rituals I know involve chicken, not elk.”

  “Then why do I need to bring the elk?”

  “I’ve been wanting to try it. Someone told me it has an interesting taste.”

  Layne would tell him it tastes like poop. Just to make sure Cornelius and I were on the same page, I asked, “You want the steaks cooked then, right? Not tartare?”

  “Violet, you ask the most absurd questions.”

  Said the kettle! “So are we on for tonight still?”

  “Absolutely not. I’m in no mood to talk with the dead after the trip up here from Nevada. I need to cleanse and realign my chakras first.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?’

  “Okay, how long will it take you to get your chakras washed up and put back into place?”

  “Wednesday evening.”

  “That’s three days away,” I complained, wanting to get this séance over and in my rearview mirror.

  “That’s odd. And here I thought it was still yesterday.”

  I squeezed my forehead. “Fine, Wednesday it is. I’ll bring the steaks.”

  “Perfect. Grab some chicken feet, too.”

  “To eat?”

  “Oh, Violet,” he said as if I were a big disappointment to him. “Chicken feet are for good luck and protection.”

  I hung up and cursed at my phone before stuffing it back into my purse. I’d bring him some chicken feet all right, along with the damned chicken still attached. If only Addy weren’t so gaga about Elvis.

  Wednesday, huh? I crossed the parking lot, heading for Calamity Jane Realty’s back door. I hope that day worked for Doc, because I wasn’t going to go through the pain of rescheduling it with Cornelius.

  Mona and Ben were working at their desks when I got to mine. I wondered if Ray had snagged Jerry and was filling his head with poison about me.

  Sheesh, my insecurities were taking over. I dropped into my chair. I needed to step back and reassess what was going on in my life. As my mother often said, not everything was about me.

  I looked over at Mona. “Where are Ray and Jerry?”

  “They stayed back at the diner. Ray wanted to talk to Jerry about you.”

  “What?!”

  She grinned. “I’m kidding. Jerry wanted to work on yearly goals for Ray and brainstorm some new marketing ideas.”

  I wondered how that was going over with Ray? The jerk had been untethered when Jane had been in charge. He made a point of doing what he needed to do when necessary to make sales happen. How would he feel about someone coming in and telling him how to make his money?

  “I need to run out and do a couple of home previews for a client of mine,” Ben said, jingling his keys. “See you two later.”

  An hour passed in peaceful silence with only the sounds of Mona’s fingernails clacking on her keyboard and the periodic hum of the printer as I took care of some paperwork.

  Then a dark cloud floated into the room.

  “Hello, Miss Parker,” Rex said, shutting the front door.

  I groaned inwardly and fixed a smile on my face, playing nice. “Mr. Conner, what brings you here this afternoon?”

  His return smile looked wintery. “Didn’t you receive any of my messages?”

  “Messages?” I feigned confusion.

  Mona’s clacking stopped.

  “I still need a place to live.”

  “Oh, those messages.” With Mona being the one who had told me about his phone calls, I couldn’t pretend otherwise when she sat right next to me listening to our conversation. “I’ve been busy with other clients and haven’t had time to get back with you.”

  His smile remained chiseled in place. “Do you have time this afternoon to show me more?”

  More of what? From the glint in his eyes, I had a feeling we weren’t talking only about places to live. “No, not really.”

  “How about tomorrow?”

  “Unfortunately I have appointments all day long.”

  Rex’s face hardened visibly. “Maybe I can stop over tomorrow night at your aunt’s place and see if you can spare me a few moments then.”

  My chest tightened in one constrictive spasm, making me cough. I stood up, needing to escape and catch my breath while I figured out how to keep Rex at arm’s length. “Excuse me,” I wheezed, “I need
to step outside and,” I banged on my chest, “cough this out.”

  I raced past him out the front door, leaning against Doc’s front windows as I coughed out the mixture of rage and fear clogging my esophagus.

  “Violet, stop playing games.” Rex said, joining me.

  Since Doc’s blinds were closed, I could see Rex’s reflection in the glass. I whirled on him, circling with claws extended. “How dare you threaten to come to my front door.”

  He raised a haughty blonde eyebrow. “If you’re not going to play by the rules, then I’m not either.”

  “What rules? This is no game.” We were talking about my children’s state of mind here. Didn’t he get that?

  “Then I guess you need to return my calls and do as I request, don’t you?”

  I cocked my head to the side. “Are you blackmailing me?”

  “I’m trying to decide if I should return to Beatrice Geary’s bed and wave goodnight to you from across the street every evening.” His gaze traveled down to where my sweater was unbuttoned at my chest. “Of course, if you’d play nicely with me, I’d stay away from Beatrice and let you keep me entertained as far away from your children as you’d like while I’m in town.”

  This wasn’t happening, nor was it going to start happening in this lifetime. My ears rang from the blood pounding through them. “Go fuck yourself, Rex.”

  He tsk-tsked me, waving his index finger in front of my nose. “You’re making a mistake, darling.”

  I smacked his hand away. “No, I’m making sense, whereas you’re off your meds.” Gripping my sweater collar tight at my throat, I leaned toward him. “Stay away from my kids.”

  “Or what?” He laughed at me, leaning his shoulder against Doc’s front window. “You always were so adorable when you got all feisty.” He reached out to stroke my cheek. When I recoiled from his touch, his lips thinned. “It’s too bad you didn’t put as much effort into stopping us from propagating those children as you do keeping me away from them.”

  Tires screeched on the busy street behind me. Rex frowned over my shoulder, but I kept the egotistical shithead locked in my laser beam. “I’m not joking, Rex.”

  He focused back on me, his gaze cold and calculating. “Neither am I, Violet.” Bending closer, inches from my face, he spoke with a menacing quiet. “I get what I want.”

  A car door slammed.

  A horn honked as a diesel pickup gunned past us.

  “You rotten bastard.” My breath rasped, my windpipe tight with rage. “If you come near my children, I will go straight for your throat.” I meant that with every fiber of my being. I’d plead temporary insanity at the murder trial.

  Rex’s attention strayed over my head. “This is a private conversation between the lady and me,” he said, sounding curt yet polished. “You can move along.”

  A hand gripped my shoulder. “No can do,” Doc said. “This is my office.”

  Relief rushed through my limbs knowing that I had him at my back.

  “You’re parked in the middle of the street.” Rex said.

  “I know.” Doc pulled me backward, stepping in front of me to face off with Rex. “How about you move along and stop bothering Violet.” It was more of an order than a request.

  Standing up straighter, Rex tried to meet Doc eye-to-eye. He fell about two inches short. “Who are you? Her bodyguard?”

  “No, that job’s already filled.” Doc crossed his arms over his chest, making a nice solid wall for me to peek around. “Trust me, you don’t want to meet the man who watches over Violet. Or his shotgun.”

  Rex’s chin came up. “Is that a threat?”

  “Simply a warning,” Doc said. “Harvey will take great pleasure filling your ass full of lead if he finds out you’re harassing Violet.”

  “Harvey, huh?” Rex looked down at me. “Is that who’s keeping your bed warm these days?”

  “Wrong again.” Doc’s voice had a steely hardness that I hadn’t heard before.

  I moved up next to Doc and aimed my thumb in his direction. “That’s his job.”

  Rex assessed Doc with a cool onceover. “Of course. You’re the one who drives the old Camaro.”

  “And you’re the one who drives the new Jaguar.” Doc put his arm around my shoulder. “Now that we’ve talked cars, how about you get in yours.”

  “Is there a problem here, gentlemen?” Cooper asked from behind me.

  Rex’s glare swung from me to Doc and back again, before his face morphed and that perfectly polished smile returned. “No, Detective. We were just getting to know each other.”

  Cooper positioned himself so he could step between Doc and Rex if needed. “Sounds like warm and chummy stuff.” He glanced at Doc. “Nyce, I’m going to need you to move your car. It’s illegally parked.”

  Doc grunted. “I’d be happy to as soon as Mr. Conner takes his leave.”

  Stepping back, Rex gave a nod to Cooper, then turned to me. “I’ll give you a call, Miss Parker.”

  “I’ll be busy.”

  “Maybe your boss won’t.” With that threat, he walked off down the sidewalk toward downtown Deadwood.

  Doc looked down at me, his eyes assessing. “You okay?”

  I nodded, biting my lower lip. I had a feeling Rex was far from done fucking up my world, though.

  “Give me your keys, Nyce,” Cooper said, holding out his hand. “I’ll park it around back.”

  Doc obliged without hesitation. “How’d you get over here so fast? That’s some lightning fast police work.”

  The detective nudged his chin at the station across the street. “I’d just parked when I heard you lock ‘em up.”

  “Sorry about that. Violet looked like she could use a referee.”

  “If I’d only had a bat, you could have played umpire.”

  “More fun times with Violet, I see,” Cooper said, chuckling. He held up Doc’s keys. “I’ve been wanting to give that big block under your hood a try.” He pointed his index finger at me as he backed away. “Stay out of trouble, Parker.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him, watching as he slid behind the wheel and rumbled off. I caught Doc’s hand and squeezed it, wishing we were standing somewhere other than next to a busy street in front of the whole wide world. “Thanks.”

  His smile warmed away my morning’s self-doubts. “I figured I’d better step in or I’d be talking to you through jail bars again.”

  “Rex threatened to come to Aunt Zoe’s if I didn’t start taking his phone calls.”

  Doc cursed under his breath. “He’s not going to just go away, is he?” At my head shake, he looked in the direction Rex had taken, his jaw tight.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I told you not to apologize for him.” He trailed his thumb along my jawline. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yes,” I hit Doc with a hard stare. “But I’ll kill that son of a bitch if he comes near my kids.”

  “I don’t doubt you.” Doc pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on my head. “Somehow I need to keep it from coming to that.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “This is a bad idea,” I whispered, tiptoeing through the thick shadows cloaking the side of the Galena House.

  “That’s my line usually,” Doc whispered back, tugging me along behind him.

  We moved silently through the grass, skirting a couple of bushes. The sound of the wind in the pines overhead drowned out any noises we made as we sneaked up to Ms. Wolff’s apartment window. I could smell rain in the air. Lightning flashed in the distance; thunder rumbled along after it. The sensation of impending doom made my feet feel like I was wearing concrete-filled shoes instead of boots. My knees trembled for reasons other than the cold October night air.

  When we reached the living room window, Doc pulled me back against the side of the house next to him. A car cruised by slowly out front.

  I held my breath until it moved up the street. Standing on my toes, I spoke close to his ear. “Maybe we should abort for tonigh
t and try again another day.”

  I felt more than saw his gaze on me. “What has you so nervous tonight?”

  “Are you kidding? It’s a dark, stormy night and we’re sneaking around a house that was the recent site of a murder. Need I say more?”

  “Back in August you were lurking around a funeral home in the dark, peeking in the windows of a garage-turned-morgue without a care.”

  Not totally without a care. I was pretty jumpy that night, too. “That was different.”

  “How so?”

  “I hadn’t had any run-ins yet with freaky, snake-eyed people who turn into smoke when stabbed. My only worry that night was getting busted by Cooper and thrown in jail.”

  “Nobody knows we’re here, Violet. Not even your freaky friends.” He leaned out and looked toward the street. “All clear.” Doc turned around and lifted up the window Freesia had left unlocked.

  Earlier in the afternoon, Harvey and I had called on Freesia under the guise of me being her Realtor and Harvey being my assistant. The Realtor part was true, the assistant was a stretch, but Harvey had promised to dress appropriately for the visit and he had—in a green suit jacket and orange polyester dress pants. My comment that he looked like a pumpkin earned me a hard pinch on the arm.

  While Freesia toured us around the Galena House showing me the finer points of her family’s hand-me-down so I could write up an enticing sales description, Harvey followed along giving his usual two-cent commentary. Thankfully he kept it to the NC-17 rated version without too much detail.

  At the end of the tour, I hesitated, trying to come up with a way to convince Freesia into turning the other cheek at some point so I could sneak Doc into Ms. Wolff’s apartment for some scratch-and-sniff reconnaissance. I almost choked on my tongue when Harvey asked her outright if we could go through Ms. Wolff’s apartment under the cover of darkness, to look for clues about her killer since we’d been the two who had discovered her body.

  Freesia hesitated, explaining that she was concerned we’d be caught by the police, who visited multiple times some days and cruised by periodically at night with their spotlights roving. She didn’t want us to get busted and end up in hot water with Detective Cooper. The butthead had even mentioned my name to her, stressing that she not let me in without his approval.