The Big Ohhh

by Ashton, Nikki

  “Thank you,” I said, as I reached for her hand to link our fingers. “You, making me laugh has taken my mind off Teresa, and has also made me realise she’s not worth getting upset about.

  “At the risk of sending you back into a funk, has she always been a heavy drinker?”

  “She’s not a heavy drinker, Willow, she’s an alcoholic and yeah for as long as I can remember, but she got worse when Johnny’s dad died.”

  Willow followed the line of condensation on her wine glass with her finger and I could sense she was contemplating asking me more questions but wasn’t sure if she should.

  “I have no idea who my dad is,” I offered as I took a punt on what she might want to know. “Johnny’s dad, Pete, was killed in a road accident when Johnny was six and she gradually got worse from there.”

  “In what way?”

  “Well, she left us at Pete’s wake and forgot about us for three days. When I was twelve and Johnny was ten, she went on holiday with her latest boyfriend, if you could call him that, and left us with a babysitter who spent the money the guy had left for food on cheap cider and weed for her mates. Johnny and I had to eat Pot Noodles and Cornflakes for a week. And then,” I sighed, “when I was sixteen, she hit me so hard with a full bottle of vodka that she broke my arm and I had to pretend at A&E that I’d slipped on some ice.”

  Willow slapped a hand to her mouth and her eyes went huge.

  “Oh my God, Charlie.”

  “Yeah well, that’s not the worst part,” I replied as I took a deep breath and prepared to tell Willow everything.

  * * *

  I’d told her and she was still there, opposite me, and didn’t look too horrified as we tucked into our food.

  “That was not your fault,” Willow whispered. “You have to know that.”

  I shrugged. “I wouldn’t have tried to be the hero, not like Johnny, which means if I’d answered her call he wouldn’t be in a wheelchair.”

  “But it’s not your fault. Your brother chose to deal with it differently than you would’ve and the consequences of that were shit. The guy who pushed him is the only one who should feel guilty.”

  “Yeah, that’s what Johnny says.”

  “So, what happened to him; the guy who pushed him?”

  “He got sent down for a while and Johnny got a shit load of compensation, which is why I’m pretty sure Teresa is still hanging around. Actually, I know that’s why she’s still hanging around.”

  “Jeez, your life really is a box of chocolates, Forrest.”

  Willow swallowed a mouthful of food and looked at me with a soft, tender look in her eyes.

  “Oh, by the way,” she cried and waved an excited hand at me. “I looked up what a Vauxhall Combo was.”

  I frowned as I had no clue what she was talking about.

  “You know, the reason why you took me out in your friend’s car with the bloody head on the back seat,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

  “Oh, right.” I grinned, even though my balls still felt the dull ache from that night.

  “So, do you drive your brother around in it?”

  “Yeah, I do. I take him to and from work and anywhere else he needs to go.”

  “You’re his carer then, as well as working.”

  “Oh, shit no,” I cried as I pushed my plate away. “Johnny would go ape shit if he thought he needed a carer. I mean he probably should have one to be fair, seeing as I can’t always rely on Teresa to be there if I’m not, but he’s too independent. He likes to do everything himself. He functions pretty well to be honest, and he thinks that having a carer means he’s ready to die, or some other stupid idea like that.”

  I thought about my brother and how he coped, and pride filled my chest. He’d been right, if I’d been in his position, I’d have been a depressed twat.

  “I’d like to meet him,” Willow said as her eyes darted to the waitress who had started to clear the table next to ours. She looked uncertain, like she’d said the wrong thing.

  “That would be good,” I replied quickly. “In fact, we can go back there now if you’d like.”

  Willow’s head shot up and her tongue darted out to lick her lips that still had perfect red lipstick on them. Shit, she was so bloody cute with her quirky dress sense and quick wit. I really hoped she’d want to go on more dates with me.

  Tonight, she had on a bright yellow top that stopped just above the waistband of wide-legged black and white striped trousers and I kept getting a glance of the smooth skin of her stomach every time she reached or stretched for something. I tried not to stare too often because she had the ability to make me rock hard in my pants with only a glance. The problem was I didn’t want her to think every date had to be about sex; not that things had gone particularly well in that department.

  “It’s still fairly early,” I said as I glanced down at the clock on my phone, which said nine-forty-five.

  “Okay, that’d be good, but…” she paused and swallowed. “I can’t stay too late as I have to be up early tomorrow. We do an early morning surgery on a Wednesday.”

  “A quick coffee and a chat with Johnny and then I’ll get you a taxi, unless you’d really prefer to do it another time.”

  I hoped to God that she didn’t, because even though I was determined we wouldn’t end up having sex – or attempt to have sex as tended to happen with us, it didn’t mean I didn’t want to kiss her for as long as I possibly could.

  “Okay,” Willow replied with an empathic nod of the head. “Sounds perfect.”

  Forget crooners like Luther Vandross or Marvin Gaye, studies show that heavy metal and other hard rock get his pulse racing. Make sure you have a Limp Bizkit CD in your collection – let’s hope it’s only his biscuit that’s limp.

  * * *

  Willow

  After a lovely, gentle, twenty-minute walk with Charlie holding my hand the whole way, we reached the driveway of a white rendered bungalow with white UPVC windows and a bright red front door. The front was paved and there were neat blinds at the windows, it really was not what I expected from two single men in their twenties and an alcoholic middle-aged woman.

  “It’s really nice,” I said as Charlie led me up the drive past a box shaped blue van, which I assumed was the Vauxhall Combo.

  “Ah, so this is the Vauxhall Combo.” I peered through the window and gasped with shock. “Why the hell have you got one of those beaded car seat covers? Are you really sixty years old?”

  I turned to Charlie and arched a brow, waiting for him to answer. I couldn’t believe how let down I felt. He may as well have come out to the pub wearing a zip up cardigan and a pair of suede Moccasins. Even my dad had better taste than that.

  Charlie opened and closed his mouth slowly, evidently lost for words.

  “Well?”

  “I…I just…Bomber bought it as a joke and I never took it out. He thought it suited the car.”

  “I don’t believe it,” I gasped. “Your friend bought it as a bad taste joke and yet you kept it. Do you not have any pride, man?”

  “I’m lazy, that’s all. I swear I wouldn’t have one normally, but like I said, I couldn’t be arsed to take it out.”

  “Do you have the keys on you now?” I asked, as I held out my hand, palm upwards.

  Charlie looked at it, then up to my face and back to my hand. “Seriously?” he asked as his eyes slowly lifted to mine.

  “Extremely.”

  I thrust a hand to my hip and waited. Finally, with a sigh, Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of three keys and handed them to me. I pointed the black car key at the door and pressed, on hearing the beep I yanked the door open and thrusted my hand behind me, offering Charlie his keys back.

  “Willow, I can do it.”

  “Nope, like you said, you’re lazy and I’m afraid I can’t ever get into the Vauxhall Combo while this thing is attached to the seat.”

  As I fiddled about trying to unhook the cover, I looked into the back quite s
urprised to see the amount of room there was.

  “There’s loads of room in the back,” I called over my shoulder. “And, added bonus, no sign of a disembodied head.”

  “Will’, come on,” Charlie said with a laugh. “I’ll do it.”

  He tugged on the back of my shirt, but I wasn’t to be distracted. The damn hideous thing had to go.

  “Nope, you’ll leave it and leave it and next time you take me out on a date you’ll turn up in the Vauxhall Combo and I’ll have to get in and sit next to you while you’re sitting on a bloody beaded seat cover.”

  “It’s actually quite comfortable you know.”

  “What?” I jumped up, banging my head on the ‘oh Jesus’ handle. “Argh, shit.”

  Charlie’s warm hand landed on the small of my back. “You okay? That sounded painful.”

  “I’m fine,” I ground out through gritted teeth and rubbed my head. “I’m feeling a little affronted that you actually like this bloody thing.”

  “All I said was that it’s comfy.”

  “Enough!” I held a hand up, even though Charlie probably couldn’t see it in the dying light of the summer evening and because I was hunched over the seat of his car. “It’s coming out and that’s the end of it.”

  Finally, after much huffing and puffing, I had the seat cover off and turned to hand it to Charlie.

  “Never let me see that again,” I said, my tone low and serious.

  Charlie grinned, dropped the seat cover and pulled me into the most wonderful of kisses. His hands cupped my face, while his thumbs gently stroked my cheeks. When he sucked on my bottom lip, I was pretty sure I made my self-induced orgasm noise – doesn’t every woman make a different noise when given an orgasm by a man? Mine was definitely louder and included a couple of curse words.

  “What was that for?” I whispered as my eyes fluttered open.

  “For making me smile when I thought Teresa had ruined my day.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Charlie smiled and gave me another kiss, a quick closed lip one. “Right, let’s introduce you to my brother,” he said as he took my hand and pulled me up the rest of the driveway before pushing his key into the door and unlocking it.

  We stepped into the hall but hadn’t moved one step before we heard a noise from behind a door at the end of the hallway.

  “Oh, sweet Jesus, yes!”

  Charlie groaned and I knew for certain that I had heard a man induced orgasm.

  “And that,” Charlie groaned, “is my brother.”

  I placed my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, laughing so hard I nearly peed.

  “I’m sorry,” I spluttered as Charlie pulled away from me. “But it’s so lovely not to be the only one with a barmy family.”

  Charlie rolled his eyes and as he grabbed my hand again, led me down the hallway and into the lounge.

  “Take a seat,” he said and sounded a little tentative as he leaned to peer inside another room.

  Whoever, or whatever he thought might be there wasn’t, because he gave a sigh of relief and pulled his phone out of his pocket and messed around with it until music started. It was Dr. Hook and I felt warm and fuzzy that he’d remembered my love of seventies music.

  “Good choice,” I said and gave him a cheesy thumbs up.

  He took off his jacket and hung it over the back of an armchair.

  “I have no idea why you like it, but you do, so...” He smiled and produced the dimples and flashed his teeth.

  “Well thank you, I appreciate that you appreciate my taste in crap music.”

  “Okay, coffee?”

  “Please.”

  “White, no sugar?”

  I nodded and watched his perfect bum in his jeans as he retreated to the room that he’d peered into before – evidently the kitchen.

  I hummed along to Sylvia’s Mother as I settled back onto the sofa and looked around the room and was surprised to see it really did miss a woman’s touch – despite their mum living with them. The blinds were plain grey to match the wooden floor and there were no cushions on the plain, black, leather sofa and armchair. There was nothing ornamental of any kind, not even a single photograph or picture. It was clean, fairly tidy and a little bit boring and it was quite clear it had been put together by two men. I felt sad that Charlie lived in a place devoid of any attention and vowed that if we carried on seeing each other next time I came around I’d bring a plant or some flowers.

  After a few minutes of me redecorating the room in my head, Charlie joined me with our coffee and sat down next to me.

  “Here you go.” He handed me a mug and sat back as we heard more shouts of praise for his brother’s prowess.

  * * *

  “So, you’re the pretty girl who has my brother all cute and giggly.”

  Johnny winked at me as he wheeled past us on our spot on the sofa. We’d had to wait for about twenty minutes for him to finish with business and another ten while he dispatched the young lady who’d been screaming for the son of God.

  Charlie had tried to drown out the noise by turning the volume of the music up but seeing as Johnny’s room shared a wall with the lounge, we still got the odd snippet of what a ‘fucking stud’ he was.

  “Cute and giggly?” I asked. “Is that right?”

  I nudged Charlie and gave him an evil grin.

  “Please don’t listen to him, he’s a dickhead at the best of times, but even more so when he’s just got his rocks off. Anyway, Johnny this is Willow, Willow this is Johnny, the manwhore.”

  Johnny shrugged and moved his chair to face the TV. “Like the lady shouted, I’m a fucking legend.” He picked up a remote from a side table and pointed it at the TV. “Cricket highlights are on.”

  Charlie huffed and reached for the remote. “We have a guest and for some bizarre reason she wanted to meet you.”

  “Well you sure about that?” Johnny asked, as he pulled the remote out of Charlie’s reach, but turned the TV off anyway. “I mean, I am the better-looking brother, the one with a bigger dick and she’d never have to call a taxi if she went out with me, I can give her a lift even when I’m pissed.”

  I gasped and with my mouth wide open looked at Charlie.

  “Sorry, he’s always like this. He isn’t being a knob because he has a new audience.”

  Johnny let out a loud burst of laughter and it wasn’t long before Charlie joined him. As I watched them, I realised how alike they were, with subtle differences. Where Charlie was fair, Johnny’s hair was dark, almost black and he had brown eyes as opposed to his elder brother’s beautiful jewelled green colour. They had the same strong, straight nose, full lips and cute, knicker dropping dimples and I was pretty sure if they were ever out together, they brought a room to a standstill.

  “You two are terrible,” I retorted and revelled in the sound of their laughter. “You need to start being nice to each other.”

  “Nah, not going to happen. Do you have brothers or sisters?” Johnny asked.

  “She has a whole tribe of them.”

  “He’s right, I have four brothers.”

  “Shit, that’s a bummer. Are they likely to come on all protective and threaten my big brother, because I’ve got to be honest, I’m not sure I’d be much help to him in a fight?” Johnny shrugged and then pointed at the wheels of his chair. “You know what I mean?”

  I couldn’t help but smile at him. He was funny and chilled and didn’t seem to have any hang ups about being disabled.

  “No,” I replied, with a giggle. “The youngest two are too interested in themselves than to worry about me and the twins, the eldest two, used to teach me how to fight and gave me all their boy secrets, so they know I can look after myself.”

  “Shit, Charlie.” Johnny whistled. “You need to be careful you don’t upset her; you might wake up one morning with an empty nut sack.”

  “I’ll be fine,” Charlie replied and gave me a sweet smile. “I don’t intend on upsetting her.”

  Oh G
od, he was so lovely, and I was liking him more and more each day. In fact, I could hardly believe we’d only known each other a short time; I’d never felt so natural with someone before. I knew Charlie was embarrassed by his mum, but he hadn’t let it affect us and gone all moody on me about it, like a lot of my exes would probably have done. He wasn’t even phased about the fact that we sat down and ate Battenberg cake with my batty parents and brother, never mind the fact that he’d seen my dad’s balls in full swing.

  “He will definitely be fine,” I said and smiled at Johnny.

  Charlie’s hand found mine and I let out a little sigh.

  “Okay.” Johnny’s voice broke my serenity. “I think I’ll make us a coffee, because all this cuteness is making me want to gag a little. You both want one?”

  “Please.”

  “And make sure you put the milk in first,” Charlie said as Johnny wheeled out of the lounge toward the kitchen.

  “So, that’s my brother.”

  “He’s funny.” I gave Charlie a grin and moved a little closer to him. “I’m glad we came.”

  “Yeah?”

  I nodded. “Yes, there’s always loads going on at my house, even if it’s only my dad and Toby catching up on Love Island, and of course there’s my mother and her bloody cake.”

  “I liked that cake,” Charlie replied as he wrapped an arm around my neck and pulled me a little closer to him.

  “Well it gave me bloody heartburn all night. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “No, I couldn’t either.”

  “The cake?” I asked.

  “Nope.” He shook his head. “Blue balls.”

  As my eyes widened in surprise, Johnny called from the kitchen.

  “Hey, we’ve got cake, anyone want some?”

  According to studies, fish and beans can turn his wood to mahogany – they can also give him bad farts.

  * * *

  Willow