Aura In LaLaLand

by Skye Grace

  Liam’s heavily adored rescue dog is a mixed breed, as Liam calls him, rather than a mutt. Aura had made a joke a few days earlier about Banks being Liam’s actual significant other, and the words hadn’t felt that funny as they tumbled from her mouth. Meeting him for a run around Beverly Hills with Banks had been their most romantic encounter since the premiere party. His dog, his mother. What does he need a girlfriend for? she’d thought bitterly, worries quickly chalked up to insecurities and pushed aside, to the back of her mind where they all laid like a pile of logs ready to be burned in a roaring fire of actress ego.

  ‘You, me, LA-X. Tonight. How’s that sound?’ the next text from Liam reads as her stomach does multiple, Olympics-worthy backflips. Almost as good as driving there together, her mind wanders sardonically to a slightly more chivalrous Liam, but promptly reasons with herself. It’s not Liam, it’s this place! And the trek from his place to Malibu and back. This house killed chivalry, I swear, I might as well live in Idaho or something. Montana, I don’t know. Malibu feels practically adjacent to Montana at this point.

  She decides not to respond and begins packing even faster now, shoving expensive gowns, dresses, even the jeans are designer, into her enormous bag with haste.

  At the airport Aura quickly waves goodbye to her hired driver and lugs her large carry-on bag over her shoulder while her giant pink polka dot suitcase rolls behind her. She tries not to huff as she finishes her brisk jog over to where Liam is leaving his Prius keys with a valet and suddenly, they’re together.

  With Aura, the only way she’d ever wanted things to go is fast. It was the dream: fall in love with the perfect person, almost instantly, you just feel it. And every part of the relationship would move quickly, because neither person has any doubts.

  When things began moving quickly with Liam, she thought that, of course, this is what that was. But other things hadn’t moved as quickly with him as she’d assumed they would, as quickly as she’d wanted them to.

  She had hazy memories of times with other guys, mainly Sebastian but also others, faces she couldn’t make out, emotions she couldn’t place. She feels scorched inside, longing to see their faces, remember exactly how their hands felt on her skin. The loss of those feelings, those memories, left her as empty as an abandoned house after a structure fire.

  Liam looks at her and his smile widens. Her body is set ablaze as she imagines him pushing her up against the wall, even in a bustling airport walkway as crowded as this one, kissing her deeply, unable to keep his body from hers. She sucks in a breath to cool herself down, but the air is too warm. She takes Liam by the arm and hustles him inside towards the check-in line. He grins and holds up his phone.

  “I already checked-us in,” he says, leading them away from the busy counter and towards their terminal. She’s about to move in for a quick kiss when she swears she can see a pop of light from her peripherals and Liam tilt his head down only slightly as if he’s only pretending to look away from the flash.

  “Was that the paparazzi?” she whispers with a giggle and Liam just chuckles quietly in response. People had snapped photos of her around town recently, of course, but she could hardly believe they were actually allowed in the airport, just waiting for celebrities to pass through. Celebrity, she thought the word with a scoff, still wondering how it could possibly be applied to her, yet there it was, another flash, as they scuffle off towards security.

  It’s nearly time for them to board and Liam runs off to get them coffees. She experiences a sudden pang of anxiety low in her stomach as she thinks about their impending five hour flight together. How will I fill the time? Will we run out of things to say? What happens then?

  Her nerves are momentarily stilled as he puts a hot americano in one of her hands and then squeezes her shoulder with a smile. We get along so well, it’s going to be fine, she thinks, calming herself. But what if you were right? Her snarky and more experienced other half chimes. What if he is just another pretty face? What do you have in common anyway, other than similar jobs and mutual friends?

  She attempts to ignore her bitter worries and once on the plane, forgets entirely how used to first class she’s supposed to be by now. She is promptly brought a hot towel and a glass of champagne, which keeps her from squealing and soothes her nerves despite the fact that Liam has taken the window seat without first offering it to her. She sips and knows that, if she was being true to herself and showing Liam the real her, she’d always ask for the window seat. She pouts, upset with herself for acting as this fake, rose tinted version of her real self, and right on schedule, that real self interjects. Don’t pretend this isn’t always your pattern. Yes, if you… we. If we’re ourselves, we might get rejected, yeah. But we could also be loved for real and isn’t that worth the risk?

  The air catches in Aura’s throat with that last thought, Inner-Aura hasn’t told her something that sincere and she knows that she’s right. She thought that Inner-Aura liked Liam and panics now that she might not. She turns to Liam, with the possibility of asking him to switch seats bouncing in her brain, but stops short as she sees that he’s already popped in his earbuds and is zoning out, focused on the cloudless Southern Cal day outside. She downs the rest of her glass and crosses her arms as they take off. When it’s safe to use phones again, she connects to wifi and begins to reply to a group message with Lacie, Whit, and Nina. After reading, ‘We still on for dinner tonight?’ she furiously texts, ‘If I don’t shove Liam from an emergency exit first.’

  After a while he leans over and asks if she thinks they have coconut water. She pretends she doesn’t hear him and sends yet another reply to the girls. She gets up to go to the bathroom, but mostly just paces back and forth in the cramped flight attendant’s space. One of them ask her if she’s alright, she smiles and nods before ducking into the little stall.

  She stares at herself in the tiny mirror and asks herself that same question, Am I alright? She braces herself against the sink to prepare herself for the, ‘I told you so,’ that she’s sure to soon hear from her not-really-subconscious. If you’re always right and he is just another pretty face, what do I do? I’m supposed to be with him all weekend, all the events. He doesn’t really care about me, does he? Oh god what was I thinking?

  She breathes deeply and waits for the response, If you have to be a fake version of yourself around someone, what’s the point? Didn’t we learn that lesson from Sebastian already? She nods at herself in the mirror and blinks hard a few times, swearing she can see her reflection quickly flicker and even change colors, just briefly. She rubs her eyes, not caring about her mascara, and re-opens her eyes to a normal, steady reflection. She shakes her head, That wasn’t normal, none of this is, sighs, and asks again, What do I do? She decides that she better ask for advice while Inner-Aura is still being helpful and not just a heinous slag.

  Finding that her other voice has gone silent, she feels disappointed until she checks her messages and reads all of them, the one from Whit making her stop short. ‘We’re role models for young women everywhere, Aura, whether you like it or not! You can’t keep letting pretty boys walk all over you.’

  After reading it she nods, exhales, and finds herself storming from the bathroom, the door making a sad, unsatisfying smack as she attempts to slam it closed. She thuds back into her seat and throws one of many blankets she’s accumulated on the flight around herself.

  “Are you ok?” Liam asks, taking out an earbud.

  “Not really,” she seethes.

  “What happened? There wasn’t a line, was there?”

  She inhales and repeats the new mantra experienced Aura had provided, If you have to be a fake version of yourself around someone, what’s the point?

  “I thought we were going to talk, hang out, and you put in your earbuds and ignore me the whole time?”

  “Sorry Aura.” He shakes his head and takes out the other bud, “I get some anxiety on planes, music helps…”

  “You could’ve told me? Or taken some X
anax? How about both?” She tries to tone down the frustration from her voice.

  “Yeah, you’re right, okay.” He does a few calming breaths and they somehow chill Aura a little, too. “I’m sorry. What do you want to talk about?”

  She sighs. She doesn’t feel ready to talk so she just sits in silence. After a beat, Liam squeezes her shoulder, “How about the girls? We have to help each other memorize the names of the dates they’re bringing to the premiere. Oh and possibly to dinner tonight too?”

  “Yeah, I don’t know where Nina and Lacie find these guys,” she responds.

  Liam smiles, “Oh and remind me of their favorite flowers so I can get them each a bouquet when we land.”

  Aura hasn’t forgotten about her rather obvious epiphany on the plane, and does her best to be completely herself and not the cutesy but fake dating version of her that she’s used on autopilot for years. Dinner is somehow going amazingly, despite the girls being wary of Liam all throughout appetizers after what they’d heard about him from Aura’s plane texts. It doesn’t take long, as the usually hard-to-please group now seems as smitten with Liam as he does with them. They all talk so long and so much wine is poured that her eyes unfocus and blur around the edges while her fuzzy gaze falls on Whit and her rocker boyfriend.

  While everyone keeps chatting and drinking, she observes them, remembering the reverence she’s felt for their relationship. Whit and Cam had been fully committed to each other through distance and all difficulties, living together and constantly supporting each other through weird concept albums and poorly thought out wardrobe choices. They were never afraid to be 100% themselves, and they never hid from each other even when they wanted to. She can feel her heart longing for that same thing, while her eyes glaze over and she hears someone suggest it’s time for bed.

  Aura’s face is buried in Liam’s neck on the cab ride, and his arms are wrapped around her as they make their way up to their room at the top of the hotel. He begins helping her into bed, tucking her in as if they weren’t ending up in the same place. She decides to just go for it, meaning to pull Liam in for a kiss but instead using enough force to pull his entire body onto hers. She runs her hands through his thick, dark hair and her tongue glides over his lower lip. He opens his lips but any actual tongue movement is all Aura.

  She pulls back, looking at him questioningly, and he admits, “Aura, I’m so sorry, that wine just hit me and I’m so tired. Raincheck, I promise.”

  He gives her an apologetic goodnight kiss on the cheek and crawls to his side of the enormous bed. She lies there in silent shock, too sleepy to comprehend how hurt she should be because she just wants to sleep now. She turns over, mumbling a quiet, wine-soaked version of her disappointments into her pillow before falling asleep.

  The next morning Aura and Liam have a mostly silent breakfast where carb loading helps some of her anxiety, the kind not at all stemmed from having to walk a red carpet tonight. That’s second nature to her now, and yet relationships still apparently are not. She sends Liam to do his own thing for the afternoon while she meets with the girls to get ready at Whit’s stunning Brooklyn pad. The girls gush about Liam while false lashes are applied, eyebrows tweezed, and winged liner is perfected.

  “I just don’t think Liam is as into me as I thought. I should have brought Alexis as my date,” Aura complains.

  “Alexis wouldn’t have hooked up with you either, Aur. And there’s plenty of people that would, and I’m sure Liam’s one of them,” Nina states, point blank. “Maybe he’s doing some sort of neo-chivalry plan or something. Maybe he just wants to get to know you better first.”

  “Ha!” she laughs sharply. “I doubt it.” She can feel the embittered Aura rearing her head again, blaming her for all the poorly thought out choices that lead to this predicament.

  “Stop obsessing,” Nina orders, flipping her perfectly blown out locks over one shoulder, “If you’re not into him or him into you, whatever, by the end of the weekend, just dump him.”

  “He’s just so charming,” Lacie feels the need to add.

  Nina picks at a fruit plate like a bird might, “Yeah, we like him, but she’s never cared that much about our opinion anyway.”

  Whit knocks back her mimosa and re-fills her glass along with Aura’s, “Truer words have not been spoken. We think he’s lovely, but I know you’ll do what you need to be happy. It’s up to you, not us.”

  Getting out of the limo, it feels like deja vu to her until she sees the four perfectly coiffed and dressed gentlemen waiting for them that snaps her back to the present moment. One that definitely hasn’t happened to her before. Fans and photographers surround them but all they can see is each other, the four girls. Aura stands in the middle and holds out her hands, offering them, and all the girls clasp hands and share a smile before being urged down the carpet. It’s the perfect moment, dreams realized, and boys couldn’t mean less to her now.

  The next day is Monday and Aura is floating on a cloud so high that not even the fact that her and Liam only cuddled last night can knock her down. It’s almost as if taking a ‘Girl Gang’ hiatus is suddenly the totally wrong decision, after feeling the magic of being together with her girls, celebrating their hard work another time.

  “So what are you and Falco going to be talking about today? Other than the show I mean?” Liam asks, promptly popping her bubble.

  “Oh, scut! I need to call him and pre-discuss our chat. Oh god. What do I say? Funny anecdotes, ready, go!”

  He thinks for a second, “Oh! How about the Wonderland party? It was pretty anecdote worthy.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

  “Crazy on-set nerf fight with your best friend’s co-star one day, kissing him the next... on a giant, glitter filled dance floor while you’re serenaded by a pop star, followed by an epic frosting fight,” Liam grins, remembering that crazy, perfect weekend.

  “Oh,” she stops, putting down her bacon and actually looking at him. “You want me to talk about you? How we, kinda, got together that night?”

  “Only if you want to,” he grins, baring his perfect pearlies, before taking a large bite of egg whites. She was known for baring anything and everything about her personal life; any talk show host’s dream come true. She tries to recall if it felt this wrong, discussing her relationship with Sebastian, possibly against his wishes. The sharp inner voice awakens, saying, Trust me, it did.

  She smiles weakly and nods before getting up to make the call out in the hallway. Her stomach churns as she connects and begins answering questions for a production assistant. She laughs to herself, genuinely, remembering how perfect the party was, and how much care her friends took in making it amazing. She attempts to ignore the nagging feeling that describing her ‘whirlwind romance’ with Liam to the show’s producer is the worst possible move at this moment.

  Have you ever felt more infinite than the moment you first start falling for someone? Just those first few seconds when you ultimately realize that your orbit no longer revolves around you but this other person. It can take over your life in an instant, if you let it. You fall down the rabbit hole and it hurts when you fall out the other side onto the jagged concrete. Inner-Aura urges to her, battling, head and heart. Have you really felt that moment, with Liam, that perfect whirlwind?

  I don’t know! I think so! I don’t...

  If you don’t know, you haven’t. Not with Liam, not now. The birthday party? It was an amazing night, but you didn’t know up from down, Aur. He seemed perfect, but no one is. And if he can’t give you what you need now, he never will. You don’t need to talk about him, today, not if it doesn’t feel right.

  She ignores Inner-Aura, thinking of that beautiful boy on TV, that smile, that kiss under electric lights, neon frosting and laughter whizzing around them. It was like they were more connected that night than any night since. Against her other voice as well as her best judgment, the words just seem to tumble from her mouth to the ear of the producer, “So, there’s kind
of a guy…”

  She feels unsettled as she sits back down with Liam, building up her confidence with something covered in pink sparkly buttercream. When he asks what she’d like to do until it’s time to be at the studio, she struggles to swallow her pastry while thinking of what will make her feel better and all she think of is, “Shopping.”

  Liam’s arms are full of wardrobe options as they walk into the studio and are greeted by a lot of happy but unfamiliar faces. Liam’s been talking shop with his foundation people off and on all morning and he’s still glued to his phone when she motions for him to chill while she goes into hair and makeup.

  He’s ignoring you. Isn’t this day supposed to be all about you? Aura tries not to listen to the voice. Her hair is in perfect tendrils, a bold, red lip painted on, and she couldn’t feel more amazing about herself as she jogs back into the dressing room to choose the right dress. She catches her reflection in the mirror and the voice pops up again, Cupcakes for confidence? The camera adds ten pounds, Aura. I wonder how many you’re adding to me. The comment irks her and she eyes a pair of slimming spanx in the corner.

  She heads over to put on the uncomfortable undergarment and notices Liam is no longer in the room. Her eyes fall to a note on the counter that reads, ‘I’m so sorry, A. Foundation ran into a major hiccup and I have to go put out fires! Break a leg and see you at dinner.’

  She crumples up the note quickly and throws the wad across the room, but the soft noise it makes isn’t enough for her. Impulsively grabbing an expensive lipstick from the counter, she hurls it against an adjacent wall. The crack it makes is slightly more satisfying.

  Jonny Falco pops his head into the room right as the lipstick rolls back to her and hits her bare foot with a quiet bop. His dark hair is shiny, his caramel eyes bright, and he grins at her, seeming to also be halfway through getting dressed, just like her.