Once Upon a Spy (Humorous Cozy Mystery)

by Nic Saint

  Yvonne and Izzy awoke with a start.

  “Movie?” mumbled Yvonne.

  “Mission Impossible?” muttered Izzy.

  “I’m sure you’ve all seen the Tom Cruise movie where he runs an agency that can prevent crimes that haven’t been committed yet?”

  Izzy held up her hand eagerly. “Oh, I know! I know! Um, um—Jerry Maguire!” She blinked at Frank and held her hand to her heart. “You complete me.”

  Frank eyed her strangely. “N-n-not exactly. Try again?”

  “I know!” cried Yvonne. “Risky Business! I love that movie!”

  “I, erm, not exactly, Yvonne, but I appreciate the enthusiasm. No, the movie I’m talking about is Minority Report? With the three naked people in the hot tub having visions? Doesn’t ring a bell?”

  Yvonne and Izzy stared at him blankly, then Izzy frowned. “Was there a love story in that one?”

  “I…” Frank raised his gaze to the ceiling, then slowly shook his head. “I don’t think so, Izzy.”

  “Then I don’t think I’ve seen it.”

  Yvonne eyed the screen sullenly. “Me, neither.”

  Frank’s mouth opened and closed, then he snapped out of it, and tapped the screen. “Anyway. In the movie, a crime agency has been created that can foresee crimes and intervene before they ever happen. The story, set in the near future, proclaims that a society without crime is entirely feasible.” He smiled. “I know what you’re thinking.”

  Izzy raised her hand.

  “Izzy?”

  “Why are they naked, Frank?”

  “Yeah, my question exactly. Why are they naked with Tom Cruise?”

  “Well, they’re not naked with Tom Cruise, exactly. I mean, Tom Cruise is in the control room, while the naked people are in a kind of Jacuzzi in a different part of the building.”

  “Oh.” Izzy looked disappointed. She shook her head. “What are you saying, Frank? That you want us… to be naked in a Jacuzzi?”

  Frank swallowed as he stared at Izzy, the word picture she’d drawn having a strong effect on him. “I, erm, no. To be absolutely honest, not exactly. We don’t want you… to get… naked, Izzy.”

  “Oh.”

  Yvonne shook her head. “I don’t get it. You’re saying we can prevent crime by being naked. In a hot tub? With Tom Cruise?”

  “Without Tom Cruise, V. Frank said that Tom Cruise was never in the hot tub with the naked people. They were all alone in there.”

  “Which still doesn’t answer the question why they have to be naked in the first place.”

  Frank looked positively flustered now. “I-I-I think it had something to do with—” He struggled for words, then finally gave up. “I don’t know. I don’t know why they’re naked in the tub.” He frowned. “Good question, though.”

  Izzy directed her doe-eyed gaze at the instructor and cocked her head. “If you want me to be naked in the tub, Frank, I don’t mind, you know. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep America safe.”

  “Me, too,” agreed Yvonne. Though she didn’t much enjoy taking her clothes off in public, she’d never met a Jacuzzi she hadn’t agreed with. “Anything for the cause, right?”

  “R-right,” echoed Frank, looking quite flustered as his gaze darted from Izzy to Yvonne and back. He inserted a finger between his collar, and pulled. Then he straightened his back. “Right! So! We’ve developed a computer program that can actually predict when a crime is being committed. More or less.”

  “Oh, goodie!” squeaked Izzy.

  “Yes, well, there’s still some quirks, of course. I mean, we’re still very much in beta stage.”

  Yvonne hadn’t really understood the naked people gag, but this last bit of information surprised and excited her. “You know when a crime is going to take place? But that’s amazing!”

  Frank cleared his throat and displayed a slight smile. “Well, like I said, it doesn’t work like it should, but we’re quite confident that, in the end, the project will provide us with quite an advantage over the criminal classes.”

  Izzy planted her elbows on the desk, and leaned her chin on her hands, giving Frank her undivided attention. “How does it work exactly, Frank?”

  “Well, we feed the software every possible morsel of information we can possibly find. CCTV feeds, criminal records, cell phone tracking, raw internet data, financial transactions… We’re pretty much tapped into every possible resource every possible agency in every possible country on the face of the earth has to offer. All this intel is fed into a humongous computer, and the algorithms do the rest. You’d be amazed how much of our daily lives is being monitored.”

  Yvonne raised her eyebrows. “So you’re telling me you know everything about everybody everywhere… all the time?”

  Frank nodded eagerly. You could tell he was proud of this invention. “Yep. That sounds about right.”

  “So why is ASS running after this Grant fellow? Can’t you just, you know, run him through that computer of yours and find out everything you need to know? Why hide in garbage dumpsters and stuff?”

  “Ah! Excellent question. The thing is, for this program to work, we need to have absolute secrecy. No one can find out this software even exists or else people will start building defense systems to thwart its probing. You see?”

  Izzy frowned and crinkled her nose. “And Hugh Grant is trying to do… what exactly?”

  “Oswin Grant works for the Department of Defense, and for some reason knows more about ASS than anyone else on this planet. And what’s more, when we run him through the system, we come up empty-handed. Which is quite impossible, since he’s been selling secrets to the Goriamanese. So we’re very much afraid that somehow the men he’s working for have managed to obtain information about the system, and have discovered a way to thwart its efficacy.” He held up his hands. “Well, it’s either that or… the software is faulty. And as long as we don’t know which is which, we can’t really launch.”

  Yvonne closed her eyes as she tried to process this information. “So you’re telling me this Grant fellow knows something he’s not supposed to know, and since you don’t know why he knows what he knows, or what it is he knows, you know that whatever he knows and wherever he knows it from means your ASS has sprung a leak?”

  Frank’s smile widened, and he pointed a finger at her. “Exactly. Well put, Yvonne.”

  Izzy turned to her with a confused grin on her face. “Could you repeat that, V? In English this time? Why has Frank’s ass sprung a leak, exactly?”

  Before Yvonne had the chance to explain, a red alert flashed on Frank’s computer screen and the whiteboard, and their instructor looked up in surprise. Tapping a few keystrokes, he frowned. “Uh-oh.”

  “Uh-oh, what?”

  Frank stared at Yvonne. “Uh-oh, something’s going down. The system has just churned out a warning.” When his gaze only met blank stares, he explained, “It means a crime is about to be committed. Possibly. Since the system’s integrity can’t be vouched for until we clear up the Grant enigma, we can’t be sure.” His gaze swiveled back to the screen, and he tapped a few more keys, then blanched. “Oh, no!” He looked up. “The victim! It-it’s… Matt!”

  Chapter 16

  Matt decided to walk the distance to the park. He needed time to clear his head. These confusing feelings he was having since Yvonne Assenheimer had walked into his life needed to be addressed. If he was going to function as ASS’s leader, he needed to work through the turmoil that had taken possession of his heart.

  Why was it that a woman who’d managed to kick his ass four times in the space of twenty-four hours had made such a strong impression on him? Before today, he’d never given any woman more than five minutes of his attention. He liked women, of course, but never had anyone crept so deeply under his skin. He’d gone on the occasional date, and had even been pretty serious about a girl way back in college, before his work had taken prevalence over his personal life.

  As he stepped out into the October chill,
drawing the lapels of his coat closer to his body, he felt the vague discomfort of a man who’s got something on his mind and simply can’t get rid of it.

  You know what? He’d ask her out on a date, that’s what he’d do. He’d get to know her a little better, and from experience, he knew that would settle it. He’d had crushes before, usually on women he hardly knew. And once he got to know them, those feelings quickly evaporated. It was a physical thing, and once he talked to these women, he quickly saw they were nothing like he’d imagined, and the infatuation disappeared like snow on a hot summer day.

  He smiled to himself as he shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his overcoat. The only way to get Yvonne out of his head, was to get to know her. He was pretty sure the real Yvonne would make the imaginary one shrivel up and die and then he could finally get on with his life. And his work.

  He crossed the street, dodging cars, and was walking along the park when he thought he detected movement from the corner of his eye. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw that he was being followed. He didn’t know why he thought this, but years of experience in the field had developed in him an instinct for these things.

  It was a man, he saw, all dressed in black, weaving through traffic the same way he’d just done.

  He gritted his teeth. Probably one of Fatik’s men. They must have found out they were tailing Grant and sent a man after him.

  He was still thirty yards away from the entrance to the park, so he quickly jumped the low hedge dividing the park from the sidewalk, and ran full-out in the other direction, then hid behind a tree.

  The man in black, his collar up high to protect his face from the cold—and recognition—kept on walking, then seemed to realize his target had vanished into thin air. Picking up his pace, the man disappeared from view, and Matt, after waiting a couple of seconds, stepped back onto the dirt path meandering through the park.

  He rubbed his hands and doubled back. He’d be late for the meeting, but he didn’t want to take any chances. Harridan would have his hide if he brought Goriamanese spies to their meeting.

  Five minutes later, Fortune Tower loomed up through the foliage, and after another quick look around, he set foot for the bench placed directly across from the tower.

  Kathleen Harridan was already waiting for him, darting impatient glances at her watch.

  With her long, blond hair and cool blue eyes, Kathleen was a beautiful woman. He’d only met her once or twice since she’d put him in charge of ASS, but if the countless emails and phone calls they’d exchanged were any indication, she was definitely a force to be reckoned with.

  He quickly took a seat next to her on the bench. “Miss Harridan.”

  She didn’t look up, just kept staring straight ahead. “Matt. What took you so long?”

  “I thought I was being followed so I decided to take a detour and lose the tail.”

  “And did you?” She sounded irritated, but then that was her standard mode of conduct.

  “Affirmative.”

  “Look. I don’t have much time so I’ll get straight to the point. The old man sprang a surprise on me this morning. What do you know about the EYE project?”

  “Invisible drones. Last I heard, Aaron Chinn was involved.”

  “You heard right. Aaron is heading up the project. And now Pyke wants him to join forces with ASS.”

  Matt frowned. Aaron Chinn was a troublemaker. Linked to CIA brass by blood—his dad was someone high up in the chain of command—he always got what he wanted, even if it meant other, better projects had to be canned. He didn’t like the sound of this. “But I thought EYE was still on the drawing board?”

  “It’s not. They have a working prototype and are moving into production. And what’s more, Pyke wants to deploy the drones in our inner cities.”

  “Inner cities? I thought they already did?”

  “American inner cities, Matt. New York, LA, Detroit, Philly…”

  Matt was so surprised he broke protocol and gave his overlord and master a long stare. “What!”

  Kathleen returned his stare, and what he saw in those cold blue eyes worried him. Kathleen Harridan actually looked perturbed. “Pyke’s got it into his head that he can use drones to fight the war on crime and drugs in inner cities. He wants to bomb the slums, Matt. Actually drop bombs on projects where he thinks the gangs are hiding out. Places the police can’t venture. And he needs your intel to do it.”

  Matt felt a cold sweat breaking out. “He wants to integrate ASS and EYE.”

  “That’s right. I’m meeting Chinn this afternoon, and I want you there.”

  “This is crazy, Kathleen. He can’t drop bombs on American citizens and get away with it.”

  “Try telling him that. The only thing we can do is provide the best intel, so no innocent lives are lost when the bombs start to drop.”

  “Right.” Matt felt light-headed. This wasn’t really happening.

  “We need to be operational as soon as possible, Matt. You need to plug the Grant hole. How far are you on that?”

  Matt hadn’t yet updated Kathleen on the most recent fiasco. He did so now.

  Kathleen remained silent for a spell. “You need to fix this. We’re running out of time. Taking care of the Grant situation is priority number one, you hear me?”

  “I’ll put every available man on it, Kathleen.” And woman, he thought.

  Just then, a loud holler in his rear reminded him of that woman. Apart from uncommon strength, Yvonne also possessed a very powerful voice.

  “Matt! Get out of there! Now!”

  Twisting his neck to look behind him, he realized that it was Yvonne, and she was tearing through the shrubbery like a bat out of hell, tracking a path for him and Kathleen.

  “Yvonne? What are you—”

  He didn’t have time to complete his sentence, for the next moment, Yvonne had hurled herself through the air, and, taking both his and Kathleen’s heads in a vice-like grip, she propelled them from the bench and into the small duck pond located to the left.

  As Matt was dunked into the water and submerged, he thought he heard a deafening explosion rocketing through the air, and he felt, more than saw, a shockwave blast its way over the pond.

  When finally he resurfaced for air, he was surprised to find that Fortune Tower had been razed to the ground. All that remained was a pile of smoldering rubble.

  Next to him, Kathleen also emerged from the pond, a frog nestling on top of her head. Wiping the water from her eyes, she emitted a strangled cry.

  “ASS just saved your ass, Matt.”

  Matt whirled around and found Yvonne panting behind him. Then his gaze dropped to her shirt, which was soaking wet. Clearly displayed beneath the flimsy fabric, he could see a lacy red bra, and the obvious swell of her breasts. He swallowed, uncertain what to address first, his strong desire to accost her and worry those luscious lips with his, or find out what the hell had just happened.

  Kathleen beat him to the punch.

  “What the hell just happened!”

  “Someone tried to kill you.” Yvonne gestured at the demolished Fortune Tower. “And they damn near succeeded.”

  Chapter 17

  Yvonne stood staring at the wreckage of Fortune Tower. Nothing much remained. A big chunk of masonry had been catapulted into the air when the missile struck, and had flattened the bench Matt and Kathleen had been sitting on.

  Good thing she’d trusted her instincts and decided to follow Frank as he set out in pursuit of Matt. As was customary, Matt had switched off his cell, so Frank had been unable to reach him and warn him of the impending doom. Frank had rushed out of the building, and had spotted Joe’s retreating back in mid-morning traffic and immediately run after him.

  Yvonne and Izzy, who’d rushed after Frank, had seen the man risk his life by dodging cars, and had decided that different methods were required if they were to reach Matt in time.

  Luckily, just about every hour of the day a garbage truck can be found blocki
ng traffic somewhere or other. And since to Yvonne and Izzy practically every garbageman was a family member, it hadn’t taken them long to get in touch with the one taking care of this particular neighborhood. As luck would have it, it was Yvonne’s very own brother Randall who was operating the vehicle.

  Bulldozing his way through traffic by operating his bullhorn, it hadn’t taken Randall long to reach his little sister and her friend, and both women had hopped in.

  “Follow that man!” Yvonne had hollered. She’d always wanted to say that.

  Randall had been moderately amused—picking up the trash can get a bit tedious at times, and he’d more than welcomed the entertainment.

  “Why aren’t you on the job, V? Day off?”

  Yvonne hadn’t yet told her family about her change of jobs, and she directed a censorious look at Izzy. Her friend mimicked zipping her mouth shut, and stared out ahead of her, all wide-eyed innocence.

  “Um, we got off early today. DeLantern told us to see a man about a thing, um…” Dang. She’d never been a good liar, and now seemed like a bad time to start trying.

  Then suddenly Izzy piped up. She pointed through the windshield. “That man has been stealing garbage!”

  Randall, a big, burly guy with a head the size of a pumpkin, guffawed. “Stealing garbage? What are you? Garbage police?”

  Izzy turned those big, innocent eyes on Randall. “That’s exactly what we are, Randall. V and I? We’ve been promoted to trash police. We’re catching trash thieves now.”

  Randall frowned. “Trash police? Ain’t no such thing, Iz. At least I’ve never heard of it.”

  “It’s a secret. A big secret. DeLantern didn’t want us to tell anyone.”

  Randall’s lips curled up into a smile. “And that’s why you just told me.”

  Izzy clasped a hand before her mouth, her eyes widening even more. “Oops!”

  Randall shook his head good-naturedly as he maneuvered the big rig through traffic. “Don’t worry, Iz. Your secret’s safe with me.” He then directed a sly gaze at his sister. “But I think you better tell Pop. He’s bound to find out sooner or later. You know how he is.”