Aye That Will Be Right

by Harry Morris

  A couple of piece tins and Tupperware® boxes were opened around the meal table.

  Suddenly the air turned blue as three of the officers discovered that their ‘pieces’ had been interfered with.

  To be exact, each roll and every sandwich had a bite out of it and every cake, bun or biscuit was half eaten!

  The only ‘piece-box’ with its contents still intact was that of an officer who had been careful enough to lock his piece in his locker at the start of the shift. All the others had thrown their piece-box on top of their lockers, or dookits as they were referred too.

  There were a lot of accusations thrown around that day but nobody owned up.

  Over the following weeks and months the mysterious phantom piece biter continued to strike on the unsuspecting, who left their piece-box unattended.

  It even spread occasionally to other shifts, and not even the CID could figure out who was responsible!

  The shit really hit the fan one morning when the shift sergeant, Sam Bell, sat down with the lads at their mealtime for a game of cards.

  On unravelling his corned beef rolls he discovered each one had a bite out of it.

  Sam went berserk, and he ranted and raved. This was going too far now – going into the sergeant’s room and interfering with the sergeant’s piece was overstepping the mark – big time.

  Everyone on the shift was dragged into the sergeant’s office and accused of the ‘crime of the century’, but nobody would own up and admit to it.

  The following day the phantom piece biter, who I can now identify as P.C. John Forbes, was passing the sergeant’s office when he overheard the sergeant and the shift inspector talking.

  ‘I’m not having my bloody piece interfered with today, I’m away out to the bakers to get a couple of mince pies!’

  At that, John headed off along the street to the baker nearest to the police station, knowing that was where Sam would go.

  Arriving before him, John entered through the back door – as he had done on many occasions and pulled up a chair.

  By the time the sergeant walked in the front door, John had the staff well primed.

  Instead of putting Sam’s order into a bag, the counter assistant made the excuse that there were fresher pies in the back shop and went through with an empty bag, and informed John that he had ordered two pies.

  You can guess the rest.

  The unsuspecting sergeant returned to the station clutching his bag with his pies tightly in his hand.

  ‘Nae bugger is interfering with my breakfast today.’ he was heard to say, as he sat down at the meal table alongside the rest of his shift, and John Forbes.

  The look on his face was priceless, as he pulled the first pie from the baker’s bag, only to discover a large bite had been taken from it.

  Fortunately, before all hell broke out in the station, and the services of Derek Acorah and the Most Haunted team were summoned to assist, John had the good sense to produce two fresh pies just in case. He also put his hands up and admitted to being the phantom.

  Having seen the funny side, they all had a good laugh, but the game was well and truly up, for the ‘Phantom Piece Biter’ of Cowdenbeath!

  He’s Not Happy

  • • •

  I called at a friend’s house, who was a member of the police Dog Branch.

  During my visit, he asked if I would like a bowl of his homemade soup, which I readily accepted.

  Whilst sipping away at my soup, Radar, his Alsatian police dog, sat on the floor opposite.

  Every time I took a spoonful of my soup, Radar would growl and snarl at me.

  Feeling very uneasy at this behaviour by his dog, I informed my friend, to which he responded, ‘Ach, just ignore him, Harry, he’s just annoyed because you’re using his bowl!’

  Tight Lines

  • • •

  A couple went on holiday to a fishing resort up in the north of Scotland.

  As it was, the husband liked to rise early and go fishing, while his wife liked to lie in bed and read.

  One morning, the husband arrived back early and decided to go back to bed for a nap.

  Annoyed at this change in routine by her husband, the wife got up out of bed and, although she was not familiar with the loch, she decided to take the boat out a short distance, drop the anchor and continue to read her book.

  A short time later, along came the police river boat patrol and pulled up alongside her and said, ‘Good morning, ma’am. What you are doing here?’

  ‘I’m reading a book, why?’ she answered.

  ‘Because you are in a restricted fishing area,’ he said.

  ‘Well I’m sorry, but I’m not fishing – as you can see, I’m reading my book!’ she replied.

  ‘It may appear like that, ma’am, but you have all the necessary equipment on board to fish, therefore I’ll have to charge you!’ he responded.

  ‘Well if you do that, I’ll have to counter-charge you with sexual assault,’ the woman said.

  ‘But I haven’t even touched you!’ the officer replied.

  ‘That may be true, officer, but you have all the necessary equipment on board to do it.’

  The officer then paused for a moment, before saying, ‘You enjoy your book, ma’am.’

  Instant Replay

  • • •

  Relaxing in front of his television at nine o’clock on a Sunday night, watching the final of the World Darts Championship, a divisional superintendent was shocked to see a full-scale riot taking place at the venue, in his area, resulting in fights breaking out everywhere in the hall and chairs, tables, bottles and glasses being thrown about the place.

  He quickly jumped up and phoned his local station and ordered the duty sergeant and everyone on his shift to make their way to the nightclub immediately and deal with this disturbance, presently ongoing.

  ‘But I only have one officer and myself,’ the sergeant said.

  ‘Well, I want you to call up everyone from the previous shift and recall them to duty to attend, then contact the shift relieving you and instruct them to sign on duty early and attend at the office immediately to assist with this disturbance!’ he ordered. ‘In the meantime, I will call the control room and have them contact the neighbouring police forces to assist us with officers.’

  The sergeant duly did as instructed and then made his way along with the only cop on his shift to the locus of the nightclub disturbance.

  Within a very short time, he arrived at the scene, which appeared quiet, and entered the premises.

  After several minutes, the sergeant reappeared with a smile on his face and drove back in his police car to the station, where several officers who had been contacted by phone had attended to assist.

  The sergeant nonchalantly picked up the telephone and called the divisional superintendent at his home, and was answered immediately.

  ‘Superintendent Brown!’

  ‘Hello, it’s Sergeant Cartwright here, sir.’

  ‘Right, quickly update me,’ the superintendent replied.

  ‘I take it you are watching this taking place on your television, sir?’ the sergeant asked.

  ‘Yes! Why?’ he replied.

  To which the sergeant had great satisfaction in reporting, ‘Well, what you are watching is recorded high-lights from the darts final that took place earlier today in the club at thirteen hundred hours, sir.’

  There was a silence for several moments, before the divisional superintendent reacted by humbly saying, ‘Thank you, Sergeant, you can stand down now.’

  Next

  • • •

  I have just heard that they are considering opening a large, brand new Next premises in the Lesmahagow area of Scotland.

  This came as quite a surprise to me, as the area is largely populated by elderly residents.

  However, the confusion was soon cleared up, when I later learned that this new Next premises was nothing to do with the popular trendy clothing store, but was in fact the name of a trendy n
ew funeral parlour. ‘NEXT!’

  Party Songs in the Nick

  • • •

  During an Orange walk through Glasgow, several of the police officers escorting the parade had occasion to arrest a large number of their followers, who were drunk, disorderly and causing a disturbance on the footpaths as the parade passed by.

  The accused were all conveyed, singing and shouting, to the local police station and subsequently locked up in cells.

  Later that evening, the police station received numerous calls of complaint regarding the noise from the station, in particular, ‘The Sash’ and ‘Derry’s Walls’ being sung at the top of their voices.

  The duty inspector attended at one of the complainer’s households, to hear exactly what the complaint was.

  After listening intently to the complaint about the sectarian songs being sung, the inspector said, ‘Listen here, hen, it’s our police station and we’ll sing whatever bloody songs we want.’

  Order in the Court

  • • •

  True Stories from the Law Courts

  ADVOCATE DEPUTE: Are you sexually active?

  BLONDE WITNESS: No, sir, I just lie there.

  Holy Water, Hic!

  • • •

  I’ve told you before about my missus trying to get me to give up drinking whisky and how I tried in vain the Paul McKenna method where you tap the pressure points around your face until the craving goes away.

  What a load of bollocks! As a result of this deliberate self-abuse I failed miserably, ending up on the kitchen floor, beaten and bruised about the head and body and, dare I say it, requiring a drink more than ever.

  However, I have now discovered a new way to discreetly cover up. I pour my bottled whisky into the ice-cube tray and put it into the freezer, then I have a glass of cool fresh water with several ice cubes in it … Magic!

  My missus is so proud of me and the amount of water I’m drinking. She says I’m so much more healthy looking.

  On the downside, now that I am tee-total, so to speak, she has enrolled me in keep fit classes at the local gym!

  The Effects of Stress

  • • •

  An officer working night shift was awakened by his wife who informed him there was a senior officer on the telephone wishing to speak with him.

  The cop got up out of his bed and went to the phone and the following is an account of what took place:

  ‘Hello, sir, how can I help you?’ the cop asked.

  ‘Hello, John, it’s about your new posting,’ the senior officer said.

  ‘Excuse me, sir, but I’m not John, I’m James,’ the cop replied.

  ‘Who?’ the senior officer asked.

  ‘James – James Smith. You know, the bar officer on the night shift.’

  ‘Oh right. Well, what can I do for you, James?’

  ‘Well, you phoned me, sir. I think you are looking for John,’ the cop responded.

  ‘Correct, James! Let me speak to John then,’ he said.

  ‘But John doesn’t live here, sir. You’ll have to phone him at his house.’

  ‘Quite right, James, quite right. Well, if you see John, ask him to call me please,’ said the senior officer.

  ‘I’ll do that, sir,’ replied the confused cop.

  There was silence for a moment, before the senior officer said, ‘Good! Well, thanks, John … er, James, goodbye!’

  The confused cop shook his head, replaced the receiver and returned to his bed.

  ‘Methinks this is one senior officer having a senior moment and in need of some urgent sick leave!’

  The Raid

  • • •

  Big Bob was a young, six-feet four-inch cop who was built like a brick shithouse and, was about to be given his first chance at working undercover plain-clothes duties.

  After only a few days of performing these duties, he was called into the drug squad office and informed he was being included on a drugs raid, at a known suspect’s house.

  However, intelligence reports suggested that the suspect kept a large and rather fierce looking Rottweiler guard dog in his house as an added deterrent against unexpected visitors. Therefore, it was decided that, since Bob was the biggest and newest member of the team, he should be assigned to deal with the big dog.

  The team leader handed Bob a large fire extinguisher and instructed him to use it immediately on the dog should it attack them when they entered.

  The idea was that, as you sprayed the frozen CO2 at the animal’s face, the cold experience of it, coupled with the noise of the liquid spraying out, would immediately nullify the dog’s attack.

  They left to go on the raid with Bob armed with his large fire extinguisher, which he carried around on his shoulder.

  As they arrived at the door of the suspect they began the raid by smashing the door hinges, causing the door to give way.

  Suddenly, from a room in the house appeared the large Rottweiler guard dog, snarling and growling fiercely at the unexpected intruders.

  As it made its attack on them, big Bob stepped forward (as previously planned), with his trusty fire extinguisher at the ready. In the heat of the moment and the rush of adrenalin, Bob forgot his instructions on how to deal with the aggressive dog and promptly blootered it over the head (not as previously planned).

  As a result he burst open the top of the dog’s skull, as well as knocking it clean out.

  This unexpected action by Bob stopped the suspect in his tracks as he tried to make his escape out of the back of the house, and he immediately returned to tend ‘Bronson’, who was unconscious and bleeding from the head wound!

  Maybe Bob would have understood his instructions better if he had been told to ‘skoosh’ the dog with the fire extinguisher, then I could have added at the end of this story: No animals were injured during this raid, or at the time of writing about it!

  Doesn’t Compute

  • • •

  I decided to buy myself a computer and chose a Dell, having heard so much about them being the best, but you can’t just go into PC World and purchase one, you have to book it online. So you bring up the Dell internet site and just order it … Simple!

  The only problem is, you need to have a PC to go online to order your Dell PC and the reason I’m ordering a PC in the first place is because I don’t have one!

  That’ll Be Me!

  • • •

  Two of my former colleagues were working alongside the Customs officers at Stranraer, as the lorries, coming over from Northern Ireland, were being driven off the ferry.

  Their job entailed checking that the vehicles coming off were roadworthy, with valid documents, and the respective drivers were in possession of proof of identification.

  During one such check, my colleague noticed that the driver was accompanied in his cab.

  ‘Who’s the passenger in your vehicle?’ he asked.

  Before the driver could answer him, the passenger stuck his head out of the lorry window and replied in his broad Irish brogue, ‘For sure, sir! That would be me!’

  Everyone a Winner

  • • •

  An elderly male called into the station one night with his pet greyhound on a lead.

  During the proceeding conversation, the young officer, knowing the traditional occupation of greyhounds, casually slipped in the obvious question:

  ‘Do you ever race your dog?’

  The elderly male thought for a moment, before responding with a straight face, ‘Not at my age, son. It would easily beat me.’

  Space Oddity

  • • •

  There was panic in the crime management office at divisional HQ, with regards to the increasing rise in the number of recorded vandalisms.

  Due to this increase, the crime manager, who was definitely not wishing to receive another slap on the wrist from the divisional commander, was intent on writing off as many vandalisms as possible as ‘non-criminal acts’.

  Such was the recent case where a half-bri
ck was thrown through a window, which was approximately ten metres from the ground and five metres from the road, and beyond a two-metre-high wrought-iron fence.

  This prompted the crime manager to immediately enquire whether or not this act was deliberate, or could the brick have been thrown up by some passing vehicular traffic.

  Inquiries are now with the Chinese Embassy, NASA and the European Space Agency to establish if in fact the premises in question just happen to be in the flight path of David Bowie, Ground Control to Major Tom, etc.

  If the inquiries prove negative, then the crime manager will allow for consideration to be given to the fact that it just might be attributable to a criminal act after all!

  Golf Practice is Murder

  • • •

  Every now and again, a court case comes up and makes a total mockery of the entire legal system and insults our intelligence …

  Such was the murder trial involving two cousins who, to save the court time and the inconvenience to the police and civilian witnesses, had their QC negotiate a deal with the advocate depute to plead guilty to a lesser charge of culpable homicide.

  Now the circumstances surrounding the alleged murder of the deceased male were thus (I submit a brief scenario as close to the actual events as possible):

  Apparently one of the accused lived upstairs from the deceased, Mr Miller, and the second accused, who had only recently been released from prison on licence for a previous conviction for murder, moved into the area to share the house with him.

  It wasn’t long before they began to display their unsociable behaviour and total disregard for their neighbours, playing loud music and throwing numerous late-night drinking parties.