Captain Awesome vs. the Sinister Substitute Teacher

by Stan Kirby

  Table of Contents

  1. Good-bye, Weekend. Hello, Homework

  2. Doom . . . Mr. Dooms

  3. Where’s Ms. Beasley?

  4. The Teacher of No Return

  5. Where No Kid Has Gone Before!

  6. Pepperoni Palace

  7. The Ball Pit of Doom!

  8. There Is No Limit to Evilness!

  9. Mr. Dooms to the Rescue?!

  ‘Captain Awesome Meets Super Dude’ Teaser

  About Stan Kirby and George O’Connor

  Worst day of the week?” Captain Awesome asked the Sunnyview Superhero Squad. The team had gathered at its top-secret headquarters in the tree at Captain Awesome’s house. The other two members of the squad, Nacho Cheese Man and Supersonic Sal, raised their hands.

  Nacho Cheese Man said, “Any day I run out of spray cheese and have to fight evil the old fashioned way. With cheese slices.”

  Supersonic Sal, the fastest superhero in Sunnyview, said, “Wednesday.”

  “Hmmmm, why Wednesday?” Captain Awesome asked.

  “Because Tuesday and Thursday are my piano lesson days, and Wednesday isn’t,” Sal replied.

  But Captain Awesome knew what the real worst day was. “It’s Sunday,” he said. “Sunday is the last day of the weekend, and our crime fighting stops since we have to go to school.”

  “But crime fighting never stops,” Supersonic Sal pointed out.

  Captain Awesome thought about this and shrugged. “You’re right,” he replied. “But we can’t do as much crime fighting during the school week.”

  “But what about Dr. Yuck Spinach and the Evil Crosswalk Orange Vestman? And worst of all, Little Miss Stinky Pinky?” Supersonic Sal said. “We have to fight those villains every day!”

  “Well, we did do a lot of evil-fighting this weekend,” Nacho Cheese Man added. “I have the list right here!” He held up his cheesebook, a cheese-colored notebook that even had spots of green mold on it.

  “Cheesebook Checklist Check-Off!” yelled Captain Awesome.

  “We built a mighty Fortress of Protection in the backyard,” Nacho Cheese Man called out.

  “And we patrolled the neighborhood on our Non-Subatomic Pedaling Machines,” Supersonic Sal said.

  “And we closed the latch on Ms. Vallance’s gate so her dogs wouldn’t run away,” Nacho Cheese Man added.

  “Right! And we put the lids back on Mr. Tootsnoot’s trash cans to keep them safe from Boom-Boom Raccoon,” Captain Awesome said. “Super Dude would be proud of the Sunnyview Superhero Squad!”

  What? What’s that you say?!

  You’ve never heard of Super Dude? Do you live in a meadow of unicorns and chase rainbows with cotton candy buckets?

  Super Dude is the star of the greatest comic book series, the best TV show in the world, and the best video game ever! He once Dude-punched the Electric Eve-Eel so hard it was undersea lights out! More importantly, he’s the reason that Eugene McGillicudy, Charlie Thomas Jones, and Sally Williams became Sunnyview’s own superheroes!

  But even Super Dude can’t stop the weekend from ending.

  “Roly poly moley!” Captain Awesome suddenly cried out. “My Awesome Sense of Smell is smelling something . . . awful!”

  PEW!

  Down below, Queen Stinkypants, who often disguised herself as Eugene’s baby sister, had just raced out from his house.

  Eugene’s dad ran after her. “Stop her!” he yelled. “It’s a Stage Four diaper disaster!”

  “Sunnyview Superhero Squad, it’s time to get MI-TEE!” Captain Awesome cried. The trio quickly—but carefully—climbed down the tree-house ladder.

  “CHEESY YO!” Nacho Cheese Man shot a blast of pepper jack across the lawn. Queen Stinkypants turned to avoid it.

  “SPEEDY GO!” Supersonic Sal ran toward the baby villain. Captain Awesome saw his chance. With two super leaps and a bound, he ran across the yard. Queen Stinkypants zigged, then zagged. But Captain Awesome was close behind.

  “I’ve got you, Queen Stinky—”

  “Look out!” Eugene’s dad cried.

  Too late.

  BLAST!

  POOT-POOT!

  “Argh!” Captain Awesome cried out. His eyes watered. His throat burned. A cloud of stink the size of an alien battle cruiser filled the yard.

  “It’s the dreaded Fog of Stinkydoom,” Nacho Cheese Man said, pinching his nose.

  Supersonic Sal skidded to a stop. “That’s a mega Pee-Yew.”

  There was no time to lose. “Activate Awesome Vision Power.” Captain Awesome snapped his goggles over his eyes and waved his arms to clear away the stink.

  Through the gross fog he saw the one thing that could stop Queen Stinkypants: her stuffed henchdoll with the curly hair and red dress.

  Captain Awesome grabbed it with two fingers so it wouldn’t spread nasty stink-germs to his whole hand.

  “Behold! Your doll of awfulness, Queen Stinkypants,” said Captain Awesome.

  She ran toward him, her stinky arms reaching for the minion.

  “Now!” Captain Awesome said.

  Eugene’s dad swooped out of the fog and scooped her up.

  Queen Stinkypants giggled. “Thanks, Captain,” Eugene’s dad said. “Couldn’t have done it without your help. Now don’t forget to do your homework. Tomorrow’s Monday.”

  HOMEWORK!

  ARGH!

  “At least Ms. Beasley’s a good teacher and doesn’t give us too much work,” Nacho Cheese Man told Captain Awesome.

  “All good superheroes do their homework,” Supersonic Sal added.

  Just then, Charlie’s mom arrived to take him and Sally home.

  “See you guys at school tomorrow.” Captain Awesome took off his goggles and headed to the house, where his math homework was waiting to be conquered.

  No Mr. Drools attacking from the left,” Charlie noted.

  “The Sewer Slammer is safely underground,” Sally added.

  “And Fly High McDanger isn’t dropping his cloud bombs from the air,” Eugene said. “We are a go for school. Let’s hit the crosswalk.” The friends walked safely across the street and into Sunnyview Elementary.

  The hallways were also clear, and they entered Ms. Beasley’s classroom without a problem.

  Or so they thought.

  “Well, if it isn’t Puke-Gene and the Sunnyview Super-Pukies!”

  Ugh. Her.

  “Hello, My! Me! Mine! Meredith,” Eugene said.

  Meredith Mooney was the pinkest girl in class. Perhaps even the world. With her matching pink shoes, pink dress, pink shirt, and pink ribbon in her hair, she looked like an evil pink troll doll. When she wasn’t busy being just plain annoying Meredith, she was also Captain Awesome’s archenemy, Little Miss Stinky Pinky.

  Meredith put her arm around Eugene and noogied his head. She laughed. Then her smile disappeared. “I’ll be watching you.” She pointed two fingers to her eyes, then pointed at Eugene, then back to her eyes. “That’s right, you. Me. Watching you.”

  Meredith skipped to her cubby and put away her backpack.

  “She’s up to something pink,” Sally said.

  “She’s always up to something pink,” Charlie said. “Watching her watching us watching her watching—wait, I’ve lost count.”

  “We’ll be watching her,” Eugene said. “But first, did you hear that?”

  “I don’t hear anything,” said Charlie.

  “That’s the point,” said Eugene. “Shouldn’t Ms. Beasley be telling us to sit down now?”

  “Ohhh,” Charlie ohhhed.

  “Where is Ms. Beasley?” Sally asked.

  “She’s never l
ate,” Eugene added.

  The bell rang. The kids waited. Still no Ms. Beasley.

  “Maybe she’s at the robot lab getting a giant mechanical arm or a bionic eye that can see through walls!” Charlie said hopefully.

  The classroom door slowly opened. The morning sun streamed through the window. The mysterious figure in the doorway was just a silhouette.

  SHOCK!

  HORROR!

  That’s not Ms. Beasley! Eugene thought. Not at all!

  The doorway stranger cleared his throat. “Greetings, everyone!” the voice boomed. The whole classroom vibrated.

  “My name is . . . Mr. Dooms,” he boomed. His voice sounded like it could take the paint off a bicycle. He was tall and thin, with wire-rim glasses and curly black hair. “I’ll be your substitute teacher for a few days.”

  SUBSTITUTE?

  The class buzzed like bees in a honeycomb.

  Mr. Dooms chuckled. “Don’t worry, class. Ms. Beasley is visiting her family in New Jersey, and she’ll be back next week.”

  Eugene turned to his friends. “Ms. Beasley has never said anything about family or New Jersey before.”

  “Something stinks like Queen Stinkypants on a hot day, guys,” Sally said.

  “Could it be my double jalapeño spray cheese?” Charlie sniffed the can in his desk. “Nope. All good.”

  “Let’s get the day started, class,” Mr. Dooms boomed. “Pop quiz!”

  Pop quiz? Ms. Beasley would never give a pop quiz on a Monday. Never. Something’s definitely up with this sub guy, Eugene thought.

  “Looks like we have someone else to watch now,” he whispered to Charlie.

  “I’ve already written his name down in my cheesebook,” Charlie said with a nod.

  Things were very different when I was in second grade . . .” Mr. Dooms began.

  YAWN.

  I’d rather be fighting Captain Plantain and his Banana Baddies, Eugene thought. Where is Ms. Beasley?

  The Sunnyview Superhero Squad was keeping an eye on the substitute.

  As far as being evil went, he did not disappoint. Mr. Dooms filled the day with three bad-guy things:

  He forgot all about snack time!

  He forgot all about recess!

  He told that story about the phone. Again.

  “I hope this is the last we’ve seen of Mr. Dooms,” Sally said when the final bell rang, ending the school day.

  “That would be mi-tee times a bazillion,” Eugene agreed. “There’s only so much doom we can take. Let’s hope Ms. Beasley is back tomorrow.”

  But Ms. Beasley did not return the next day.

  Mr. Dooms did.

  “We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands,” Eugene said at lunch that day. “First, let’s see if he’s a robot.”

  “I’ve got this.” Charlie raised his hand. “Mr. Dooms, are you a robot?”

  Mr. Dooms chuckled. “No, I’m not a robot, although that reminds me of a story—”

  Here we go again, Eugene thought.

  On the third day, Ms. Beasley still did not return. It was like New Jersey had eaten her and wasn’t going to spit her back out.

  At least Mr. Dooms didn’t forget recess again.

  RING!

  The class shot out the door. Eugene, Charlie, and Sally stayed behind, pretending to look through their cubbies.

  “Don’t forget to get some fresh air, kids,” Mr. Dooms said. Then he left to go wherever it is evil substitute teachers go during recess.

  “Charlie, watch the door,” Sally said as soon as Mr. Dooms left.

  “Watch it do what?” Charlie asked.

  “Just keep an eye on the hallway and let us know when he’s coming back,” Eugene said.

  “On it!” Charlie gave a salute.

  While Mr. Dooms was gone, Eugene and Sally looked through Ms. Beasley’s desk and chair for secret notes, a map, or a list that read, “Places to Search for Teachers.”

  “Got anything yet?” Eugene asked.

  “A paper clip in the shape of a big S and a really old candy bar. You?”

  “I found a Post-it note with a doodle. It could be a map to Mr. Dooms’s evil base of badness,” Eugene said. “Or a duck.”

  Suddenly, Charlie burst back into the room. “He’s coming!”

  Eugene and Sally frantically cleaned up the desk, and then slipped outside with Charlie.

  “What do we do now, Eugene?” Sally asked once they were outside.

  “Recess, of course,” Eugene replied. “We’ve still got three minutes left. Let’s hit the swings!”

  This New Jersey story sounds fishier than Commander Whale Shark’s Tuna Tornado,” Sally said.

  “It’s up to us,” Eugene agreed. “I don’t think Ms. Beasley’s on a trip. I think Mr. Dooms locked her in a rocket and is going to blast her into space . . . if he hasn’t already.”

  Sally and Charlie GASPED!

  “And he’s using his Mega Brain Sucker to suck all the knowledge out of her head,” Eugene continued. “That’s why he keeps forgetting snack time and recess. He hasn’t sucked up those parts of her brain yet.

  “That means there’s still time to find her before he empties her head and it’s three, two, one . . . BLAST OFF!” Charlie cried.

  “Where would you hide a schoolteacher?” Eugene asked. “Or a rocket?”

  “Well, there’s the Sunnyview Planetarium . . . ,” Sally suggested.

  “Also, the public bathroom in Union Park,” Charlie said.

  “Nope. The perfect place to hide a teacher and suck out her brain smarts before sending her to space is . . . right here at school,” Eugene answered his own question.

  Of course!

  That’s where Super Dude fought Jet Janitor and his Mop of Destruction in Super Dude’s Back-to-School Special No. 16. A classic.

  “And if we find her, maybe we can get an A on our report cards,” Charlie added.

  “We’re not superheroes just so we can get As,” Eugene told Charlie. “We are superheroes because we want to do good things.”

  “An A would be a good thing,” Charlie pointed out.

  The school day seemed to drag on forever. But even forever eventually shows up when the bell rings.

  Eugene, Charlie, and Sally met in the hallway, ready for action in their superhero gear. “What now?” Nacho Cheese Man asked.

  “We need a map of the school,” Captain Awesome said.

  “Kind of like the one over Nacho Cheese Man’s head?” Supersonic Sal suggested.

  “That’s the fire escape map,” Captain Awesome said.

  “Yes,” said Supersonic Sal. “And it’s also a complete map of the school. Look at all those weird little rooms.”

  “Perfect for hiding a teacher! And a brain-sucking machine! And a rocket!” Captain Awesome realized.

  Nacho Cheese Man pulled the map from the wall. “Let’s go!”

  They followed the map to the end of the hall, and then down the stairs to the basement.

  “It should be right over here . . . ,” Nacho Cheese Man said. “There!”

  A dark gray steel door was in front of them. There was no window, and the doorknob was rusty.

  Supersonic Sal tried the door. “It’s locked.”

  They heard a rustling noise from inside. “Someone’s in there!” Captain Awesome said.

  They put their ears to the door and listened.

  “It’s Ms. Beasley,” Nacho Cheese Man said. “I’m sure of it. Mr. Dooms is sucking out her brains!”

  “But how are we gonna break down the vault door?” Supersonic Sal asked.

  “I can use my secret formula canned cheese to dissolve it,” Nacho Cheese Man replied.

  “You have canned cheese that can dissolve a door?” Supersonic Sal couldn’t believe it.

  “Of course. But it might take about a thousand years.” Nacho Cheese Man sighed.

  “We’ll already be past fourth grade in a thousand years!” Captain Awesome cried. “We need to use the Sunny
view Superhero Squad Triple Hero Bash!”

  “The Sunnyview Superhero Squad Triple Hero Bash! Great idea!” Nacho Cheese Man said, then added, “Wait. What’s the the Sunnyview Superhero Squad Triple Hero Bash?”

  “Something I just made up,” Captain Awesome explained. “Now let’s bash!”

  The trio of heroes locked their arms and squinted their eyes—because squinting makes everything look more dramatic. Then, with a cry of “Sunnyview Superhero Squad Triple Hero Bash!” they charged toward the locked door and smacked into . . . the school janitor?

  Well, if it isn’t Sunnyview’s greatest superheroes!” the janitor said. “What brings you to the janitor’s closet?”

  “Any chance Ms. Beasley’s in there?” Captain Awesome asked.

  “Or a brain-sucking machine?” Nacho Cheese Man said.

  “Or a rocket to blast them both into space?” Supersonic Sal added.

  “Yes!” the janitor replied.

  SUPER GASP!

  The trio of heroes let out a super gasp!

  “And here it is!” The janitor thrust out a mop.

  “That’s just a mop,” Captain Awesome said.

  “Or IS it?!” the janitor replied in a mysterious voice.

  “Nacho Cheese Man took a closer look. “Nope. Just a mop.”

  “Or IS it?!” the janitor repeated in a mysterious voice.

  Realizing the janitor’s closet was just a janitor’s closet, the trio raced off to the next room on the map.

  It was a plain wooden door. It wasn’t locked. All they had to do was push it open.

  BUT!