by Randis, K. L
I threw a pack of paper towels into the cart. “Just wondering.”
“So who’s this Judd character you’ve been hanging out with? Your father doesn’t like him. You meet him in school? He’s in 8th grade too right?”
“Yea, I met him on the bus. We’re in the same grade. And Dad doesn’t like any guy I’m friends with.”
“Friends?” Mom cocked her head and raised her eyebrow.
“Yes. Friends. Guys and girls can be just friends.”
“Uh-huh. Well ask this friend to come over to our house. I don’t like you always going over there, I don’t even know if his parents are home.”
“They are.”
It wasn’t a total lie. His dad worked on their farm, so technically he was home, even if he was somewhere in a field miles away.
“I got a hundred on my project,” I said, shifting the conversation.
“What project?”
“My Spanish one.”
“You’re taking Spanish?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yea. And I got a hundred on it.”
“I don’t know why your brothers and sister can’t work more like you. I don’t even know that you have projects until they’re getting handed back to you with a grade on them.”
It didn’t take me long to figure out that if I asked Mom if I could go hang out at Judd’s house, she would more often than not say yes and I could use it for leverage when Dad asked where I was going. I already had permission. It was set in stone. I could go.
Judd was taking a lighter apart and I was sprawled across his bed flipping through channels. “It’s like you use my house to sleep or something.” He focused on the little pieces he was collecting in his lap. “Don’t you sleep?”
“Yea,” I said, stretching my arms above my head. “I sleep here.”
“Haha.”
“You know what’s haha? Your hair. What is it, white now? Doesn’t get much blonder than that.”
“This is deep.” He ran a hand through his crew cut. “Nobody else can pull this off.”
“MmmHmm. You hungry?” I climbed off the bed and made my way to the door before he answered.
“Nah. I’m eating a big dinner tonight, gonna save room.” He rubbed his non-existent stomach and a hollow sound erupted from underneath his shirt.
We were both picked on for our weight, or lack of weight really, which is how we became friends overnight. We stuck together. He towered above me when he stood up. I challenged him. “Are you not hungry or do you just not want to eat?”
He smiled. “I’ll have a little I guess.”
Judd ate two grilled cheese sandwiches and a bowl of tomato soup. I knew better than to bring this to his attention so instead I just asked if he wanted more. “No, but why do you eat so weird?”
I looked at my plate. “What do you mean?”
“You pull everything apart. It’s like a war zone of grilled cheese.” He flicked a crumb from my cheek. “Can’t you just eat everything instead of picking it apart like that?”
I bit my lip. “Yea, habit I guess.”
“Who taught you to eat like that?”
“No one,” I shot back. “Leave it alone.”
It was a vicious cycle. Most of the time, there was barely any food at home. My brothers and I would start to steal pop tarts and other food from the pantry. If we were sent to bed without dinner, or there just wasn’t anything to eat, we would dig into the stash in our bedrooms, stale or not.
Then Dad bought a locking system for the food cabinets. Food was disappearing, and he would get enraged when mom would ask him to go to the grocery store more than once a week. He brought the key to work with him. I could get food when Dad got home just by asking. So I asked every day, just to fill my sibling’s stash.
On the rare occasions there was enough food for dinner several nights in a row, the experience was always overwhelming. Six bodies crammed around a table within feet from each other, and everyone tried to get the seat farthest from Dad. His hands would shoot out across the table faster than a whip and catch someone in the face because of something they said or did. We were not allowed to get up from the table until he was finished eating, and our plates had to be clean too.
Dad never hit me. Never. So I would often claim a place next to him at the table to give my siblings distance between him. Most of the time, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat sitting next to him. My stomach danced and dipped throughout the meal.
I adopted a way of eating where I would rip whatever it was I was given into little pieces. If I pushed these pieces around my plate enough, it looked like I ate. When there was no food, I couldn’t eat. When there was food, I couldn’t eat. And everyone wondered why I was so skinny?
Judd reached over and picked a piece of crust off my plate and shoved it into his mouth. He chewed graciously, wiped his mouth with his bare arm and smiled that wide toothed grin that always seemed to get him in trouble.
“Like you have any room to talk about the way a person eats,” I said.
He ruffled my hair and threw his arms around my neck for a fake choke hold. I fell to the ground to psych him out and laughed as I socked him in the stomach just hard enough to get him to back off.
“Whew, all right muscles.” He groaned getting up from the floor, smoothing his hair. “The guys should be here soon, we goin’ swimming?”
“Yea,” I said. I took Judd’s outstretched hand to help me up. I followed him into his room and he pulled a bottle of vodka from the back of his closet. He kissed it with puckered lips. “I’ll bring the refreshments.”
After a few guys showed up we walked through two fields behind Judd’s house and in-between an electric fence that held the cows in. We were just small enough to fit through the middle wires, but Judd would hold the wires apart for me with sticks anyway. “Careful, go slow Brooke.” I took pleasure in the worried tone his voice carried. We crossed the last field and I ran the rest of the way when the guys started to push each other into cow pies.
“Who’s house is this again?” I dropped the stereo by the poolside and checked out the bugs floating on the surface of the in-ground pool.
“Uh, my aunts, or something. Kinda complicated, my parents bought it, and they are going to be moving here sometime soon I think.” He plugged the stereo into the speaker system of the garage that was right next to the pool. “But for now, it’s our pool.”
Two of the guys jumped in right away. I grabbed the skimmer. “Brooke this is Mack,” Judd said, pointing to the overweight kid. “And this grimy dirt bag is Chalky.” Judd grabbed Chalky by the shirt and propelled him into the pool.
He sputtered as he came up. “Hey Brooke, nice to meet you. Wanna make out?” He winked at Judd, provoking him.
Judd dove into the water after him and they choked and fought each other for the next two minutes. Soaked, Judd pulled himself onto the ledge of the pool. He reached over and grabbed the vodka bottle and took a gulp. His face twisted. “Ah, anyone else?”
Mack raised his hand and Judd chucked the plastic container across the pool. I decided to take my clothes off before I got thrown in. My shorts and shirt were already damp from the boys jumping in, but I shoved them into my bag and turned around to hurry in.
I stopped. All three boys stared at me, motionless. I looked down. “What?”
Judd said nothing. A slow smile spread across his face.
“Am I missing something?” I checked to make sure the sides of my bikini were tied tight.
Chalky broke the silence. “So hey Brooke, you work out?” Mack doubled over in laughter as Judd raced after Chalky in another attempt to drown him.
I skimmed my hands across the top of the water as I sat on the steps. The guys talked about their four wheelers and girls they planned to go after when school started in a few weeks. Judd winked at me and I splashed him in the face.
“Want?” Judd pushed the vodka into my hand.
“Yooo Paulie baby, took you long enough!” Mack called out. A boy I w
asn’t familiar with rounded the corner of the garage and made his way down to the pool.
Judd glanced over. “Brooke, this is Paul.”
Paul nodded his head in the direction of the guys and set his bag down. “Wasn’t planning on a nature walk before I went swimming. How many fields did I just walk through to get here?”
I laughed, too eagerly. He was taller than Judd, but still around the same age as us. He cruised over to the edge of the pool planning his entry. He refused to look at me but acknowledged the guys one by one with a slight head nod and a derogatory comment.
I tried not to stare at his face and traced its shape up to his golden hairline. My face betrayed me as I blushed, and I lowered my eyes to the vodka bottle in my hand. I pretended to be interested in the name on the bottle; Absolute. I entertained myself with coming up with words that rhymed with the liquor name. Cowboy boot, expensive suit, that boy is cute…
“You gonna share or should I have brought my own?”
His voice was velvet. When I looked up it caught me off guard that Paul had his shirt off and was standing right next to me. His cologne swayed over me as he crouched down to be level with my eyes.
“Well?” he asked, opening his palm. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to. He had no acne, no visible scars or uni-brows. Even his teeth were straight and pearly. Deep, green eyes pulled me in, begged me to keep looking.
“All yours.” I held the bottle out by the neck. His hand wrapped around mine to take it, and he paused. My hand and heart smoldered and my lips parted into an unwelcomed grin.
His eyes moved over my face, down my neck. A smile spread across his face as he raised his eyebrows and stood up. “All mine, huh?”
My heart took off like a bullet. Paul walked away and I slid into the water for a distraction. I couldn’t look away and I had a hard time following conversation. The few times I caught Paul looking in my direction I turned my head the other way to pretend I didn’t see. It was agonizing.
Judd walked me back to his house while the guys swam. “Why do you have to leave so early?” He tried to cover the disappointment in his voice.
“Mom had surgery yesterday. Remember the foot surgery I told you about? She’s gonna be there a week maybe. I just need to be home, you know, take care of things.”
“Stay.” Judd turned to me. “Take care of me instead.” His voice implied he was joking but there was seriousness in his face when I looked at him.
“Yea, you need taking care of all right,” I said. “Besides, you have your buddies to entertain. I’ll probably see you tomorrow, okay?”
When I got home I started dinner right away even thought it was only four o’clock. I knew Dad wouldn’t be home from the hospital until at least eight. I boiled water for macaroni and pulled hot dogs out of the freezer. Adam watched Kat and Thomas all afternoon so after everyone ate, I scrubbed the kitchen down and put a movie on so I could catch up on some of the summer reading I had. I curled up on the sofa with Thomas and Kat while Adam clicked away at the computer in the kitchen.
Kat and Thomas were upstairs when the front door flung open and Dad barged in. The noise startled me and my book crashed to the floor as I jumped up to see what was going on. Dad stormed into the kitchen and he chucked his things down on the counter. Adam was right in his path.
The attack was immediate. “What are you still doing on the computer? There are TWO cups in the sink and you’re sitting on the computer like there is nothing to do? You need a special invitation to keep this place clean? Huh? DO YOU?”
Adam was fast but not fast enough as Dad approached him and overturned the chair he was sitting on. My throat tightened.
“Get moving! Get this place picked up now!” The chair was airborne and sailed across the room hitting Adam square in the chest. He sank to the ground hitting his head against the wall and a faint blood streak followed him down.
“Dad! Stop!” I rushed to Adam’s side and pulled the chair off of him.
“Stop? You want me to stop? I haven’t even started.” He picked up a cup from the sink. “What the hell is a dirty cup doing in my sink? I work all day, have to sit at the hospital all night and this is the crap I come home to?”
The cup whirled past my head and exploded on the wall behind me. Glass shards propelled everywhere. Adam and I scattered to our feet and headed toward the stairs, Dad bellowing behind us.
“Get back here, and clean up this mess. GET BACK HERE!”
I slipped on the stairs and frantically grabbed at the banister to help me up. Adam clutched his chest where the chair had hit him. I prayed Kat and Thomas were hiding in their closets like I taught them.
Heavy footsteps chased me. I rushed inside my room and fumbled to lock the door. Dad was seconds behind me, and I scanned the room for Kat. She was nowhere to be seen. Good girl.
My bedroom door busted open with one blow and I screamed as I covered my face. When I dropped my hands he was inches from my nose.
“You think you can lock this door on me? HUH? You think you can keep me out? This is MY house, MY house.” He shoved me against the wall.
I glanced over his shoulder and saw Adam shoving Thomas down the hallway into his bedroom. Keep him safe, Adam.
Dad turned away and grabbed the bedroom door with both hands and pulled the door off the hinges. Adrenaline screamed at me to run but I gripped my hands at my side and tried to plan an escape.
“Go ahead and try to lock the door now. Now you need to get your ass downstairs, and clean up that mess. Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?”
Standing my ground, I uncontrollably flinched and nodded. I had to redirect this, Adam and Thomas hid down the hall. He’d be after them next.
“Sorry Dad, I’ll clean it. They were my cups.” Please believe me.
He eyed me up and down, his chest heaved from struggling to chase us up the stairs. I watched the blood start to drain from his face, and he started to look away from me. A sign he was backing down.
“Get it cleaned up. I don’t want to tell you again.”
He shuffled the door to the side with his boot and made his way down the hallway. I closed my eyes listening to the sound of his footsteps, praying. It seemed like an eternity before I heard the sound of a doorknob turn, then silence. He had gone into his own room. I checked the clock. It usually took about an hour for the tension in the house to start winding down. I knew Adam and Thomas would stay in their room until then.
When I opened the closet door Kat was sitting in the far back corner. I clicked the light on and welcomed her into my arms. We both learned to be expert silent criers, and her face was stained with the remnants of fear.
“I’m sorry.” I stroked her head. “I’m sorry, I should have made sure the sink was empty.”
It was only day two of Mom being in the hospital, and she still had more than a week of recovery. I tried to push the thought of how hard it was going to be over the next few days and focused on cleaning up shards of glass over the next hour.
Kat puffed little breaths of air as I slipped into the bedroom, careful not to wake her up. I stared at the open space where my door should have been. It was my lifeline, the only way I could ready myself. Now I wouldn’t hear if Dad came into my room in the middle of the night.
And I didn’t. I glanced at the clock with a half opened eye as I was being carried. What’s going on? Ohh where is he taking me? This is all a dream, all a dream. He’ll go away if you’re sleeping. This isn’t happening if you’re sleeping.
The plastic smell told me I was in his bedroom, on his waterbed. I tasted blood as I bit my lip and twisted my face. The room was a black hole, not even the stars were out.
Pain shot up through my body as I contorted my back. My cheeks were on fire and the room began to spin. I grabbed at the sheets and the weight of his body pushed me deeper into the bed. I couldn’t breathe.
I heard something like a doorknob turning, but began to drift. I saw my body, laying there on the bed, getting crushed and
prodded. My body floated above the scene, accepting the calm waves that washed over me as I separated myself. Soon I was flying, high above everything left behind. I left that shell and I didn’t look back. I couldn’t look back.
When I woke up, Kat was standing at my bed with a plate, nudging me. Sunlight bathed the room in gold and I shifted my weight. “Ohhh,” I cried out.
The pain between my legs and in my stomach was unreal. I squished my eyes together instead of screaming so I didn’t scare Kat.
She put the plate on the floor next to the bed. Peanut butter and jelly. “Adam said you should get up Brooke, because you’ve been sleeping for two days.”
“Two days?”
Kat nodded.
I tried to remember everything that had happened but a wave of nausea forced me not to. The pain must have been so intense I passed out, I knew that much. I limped into the bathroom and refused to look in the mirror while I undressed.
Hot water ran down my body and nursed the pain away. It washed away the blood, and the tears. It washed my soul. I scrubbed my arms, chest, neck and legs. Water rushed at my face and I let it pour over me and pool at my feet. I watched it go down the drain, to make sure that nothing was left of the other night.
I changed clothes and pulled a sweatshirt on. I noticed my bedroom door had been replaced, perfectly new, like nothing happened. Downstairs Adam and Thomas flicked through channels. “Geeze Brooke, you’re the only one who’s allowed to sleep for two days and not get in trouble for it.” Adam shook his head. “Judd called you six times. Tell your boyfriend he doesn’t need to call so much, it was making Dad mad.”
I poured a glass of water and steadied myself. Dad walked into the kitchen and I gripped the side of the counter. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. His face was composed, normal even. He stared at me.
“You okay snuggle bug? Must have not been feeling well to sleep that long huh?” He picked up a glass and took a lengthy sip. “I told Mom you must have had the flu or something since you threw up in your sleep.” He lowered his voice. “You’re feeling better now though, right?”
