Spilled Milk: Based on a true story

by Randis, K. L

  Pauls dating soccer chick Lea, since when?!? Seriously CALL ME.

  I shook my head and turned off my phone. My aunt must have noticed me moping around and I wound up telling her all about Paul and his mood swings and how he dumped me to date one of the easiest girls in school.

  “Did you guys, you know?” She raised an eyebrow.

  “Twice. He wanted to more, but I didn’t, really. A lot was going on.”

  Aunt Jean nodded. “You know what though Brooke, he wouldn’t be a man if he didn’t experience what a fake girl was like, you know? Let him have sex with other people and when he comes crawling back to you make him fight for it a little.” She winked and ruffled my hair. “You’re too pretty to be hung up on one guy anyway.”

  It made me feel a little better, but I still wished he would text to see if I was okay. He was the only one who had any idea I was even alive and I wanted his support too.

  Another week went by before the police told my mom that Earl was no longer allowed back at the house and we could come back. We filed for a Protection from Abuse order right when we got home to keep him out until they could gather more evidence. The PFA meant that if he came anywhere near the house, school or work that we could call the police and he would be arrested.

  As we headed back to Pennsylvania I tried to come up with reasons to tell everyone why I had suddenly disappeared. I turned my phone on and was bombarded with six text messages from Judd. I closed my eyes and smiled. At least someone was going to be happy to see me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “I bet you’re excited to get back to school huh?” Mom chipped away at small talk as we crossed the George Washington Bridge. The sun was just setting as the city disappeared in the side view mirrors.

  “Yea. Not excited to catch up on all the work I missed. Especially chemistry.” I groaned just thinking about it.

  “Chemistry? I didn’t know they offered classes like that in high school.”

  “Yea.”

  We were all headed back to start a life we didn’t know how to live. With Earl out of the picture everyone was going to have to adjust, make sacrifices and learn how to grow as a family. I imagined us all sitting at the dinner table, laughing, passing around a table full of food and talking about each other’s days.

  “It’s going to be hard to go back into that house though.” I said it nonchalantly and flipped my phone open to see if Judd had texted me back.

  “What do you mean? Dad won’t be there.”

  “I know. But the memories are.” I shuddered picturing Earl in every room of the house. It was going to be a hard adjustment to convince myself that he wasn’t coming back.

  “Yea?”

  “I don’t know,” I started, “Don’t you think it would be nice if we sold the house, started somewhere new?”

  “Are you kidding me? I love that house, it’s my dream house. I just lost everything and now you want to talk about me selling the only thing I have left?”

  Her defensiveness alarmed me. “No, Mom. You didn’t lose everything. You still have your kids. And it’ll be hard for us to heal in a place where all we think about is him still being there. That’s all.” I meant to sound optimistic, like moving into a new house would be a fresh start for everyone, even Mom.

  “He won’t be there Brooke, he’s gone. Who cares that he lived there, we can live there just as happy.” She lit a cigarette and puffed on the end of it.

  “Who cares?” My voice was the one rising now. “Did you really just say that to me? I care! How about I care that in every room of that house all I’ll get to think about is how I was brutally raped or how I had to stand between him and one of my brothers so he didn’t kill them.”

  “No one asked you to do that!”

  “They didn’t have to,” I bellowed back, “That’s just what you do when you love someone.”

  “OH! So now I don’t love my own kids? This is my fault then?”

  I threw up my hands. Arguing with her was like talking to a wall.

  “It’s always my fault huh? I’m the one to blame for this huh, all right. All right.”

  She threw her butt out the window and turned the wipers on to fight the rain that started to pour from the sky.

  “I don’t see how you can choose a house over your kids, Mom. You love the house, so what. It’s a stupid house. You can always replace that. You can’t fake happiness, I’ll never feel safe there. Ever.”

  “Then you can leave, I’m not selling my house, not for you, not for anyone.”

  “FINE!”

  The argument had overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe that she wouldn’t even be open to the idea of moving. It was a suggestion, not a demand. She didn’t want to hear about how I felt, or how uncomfortable it would be to live there pretending nothing happened.

  I understood she loved the house; it was massive compared to the one we lived in on Long Island. But who would even want to live in a house where your own children were victimized? To me it wouldn’t be just starting over again, it would be like a constant reminder.

  That weekend Aunt Nikki flew in and stayed the weekend at the house. Mom asked me to watch the kids while her and Aunt Nikki ran some errands. A few hours later, they stuffed themselves through the front door with bags of things. “Ohhh what’s that Mom?” Kat asked, eyeing the comforter set.

  Mom and Aunt Nikki dragged the bags upstairs and by the time they were done Kat and I had new comforters, sheets and pillows. The curtains were changed and a throw rug covered the floor. A wall clock and posters were secured to the walls and a lamp was fixed into one corner of the room.

  Without a doubt Aunt Nikki had paid for everything. Mom must have told her about our argument. She stood next to me after Mom walked out and patted me on the shoulder. “Brand new everything, okay hun? No reason to worry, we bought all new locks for the doors too. He’s not coming back. Hope you like your room, your new room.” She squeezed my hand.

  It was going to take more than a few new sheets and a throw rug to mask the memories in this room. Mom just didn’t get it. I walked past her bedroom and peered inside. She still had all the same bedroom things. How could she sleep in there knowing what happened?

  I tried to look forward to going back to school but I still didn’t figure out how I was going to face everyone. I finally got a parking pass earlier that year and was thankful I didn’t have to ride the bus. I parked as far away as I could and watched everyone file into the school.

  Paul got out of a red Saturn halfway across the parking lot. Out of the driver’s side stepped a beefy blonde girl named Lea. She was okay looking, but her personality was vile. She chewed tobacco and made it a point to sleep with everyone on the guy’s soccer team. If sex is what Paul wanted, he was certainly going to get it from her. I dabbed on some chap stick and took a deep breath.

  “BROOKE! Oh my gosh!” Cristin flung her arms around my neck and circled around me. “Are you okay? What happened to…”

  My feet left the ground as Judd charged at me from across the hallway and scooped me into his death grip. “Judd…Brooke can’t breathe!” I tapped his shoulder and laughed at his warm welcome.

  “There is nothing funny about you disappearing. Nothing.” He set me down and his eyes burned into mine.

  “Judd, I’m sorry, I-”

  “Brooke ghostly Nolan, can it be true?” Sonia flashed me a quick smile before wrapping her arms around me. “We were so worried, you okay?”

  I managed to shake my head. I didn’t know who to talk to first.

  “Get to class! Let’s go, two minutes till the bell!” A hall monitor swept through the corridor.

  Judd grabbed my hand. “I’ll walk you to class.”

  “But your class is on the other side of-”

  “I don’t care. Come on.”

  He steered me through the hallway and I listened to him tell me how worried he was and how he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t return one message.

  “I mean, is it true, wha
t your dad did?”

  I flung him by the arm and faced him. “Who told you my dad did anything?”

  Judd’s eyes widened. “Listen if it’s just a rumor it’s okay. People were just worried.”

  “Judd, TALK!” My grip tightened on his upper arm.

  “Wow okay easy muscles.” He moved my hand down. “Some of the cheerleader girls were saying stuff. Some of their mom’s work in the front office, they said they got some paper saying that if he showed up to the school they had to call the police.”

  Oh my God.

  “They only told a few people. I mean I don’t know who knows anything. You still haven’t told me what’s going on?”

  A silvery voice from behind me made my heart skip. “Well, I see you’ve settled in easy enough.”

  Paul was standing feet from my face when I turned around. I followed his gaze to my hand, which was still interlocked with Judd’s arm in my attempt to make him talk.

  Paul nodded. “Right. See you later.” He turned and started down the hallway.

  “Wait, Paul!” I let go of Judd’s arm.

  “Judd I’m sorry, we’ll talk at lunch okay?” I called over my shoulder. Paul quickened his pace. “Paul, will you wait?”

  “Why? You obviously didn’t.” He blew through a group of girls.

  “I’m sorry, can you just wait?” I called after him. “Paul. Wait.” I reached out for his arm and he stopped, pulling his arm away.

  “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me again.”

  “Paul, please, what did I do that made you so-”

  “You’re disgusting. I bet everything that everyone is saying is true, and I had to hear about it through half the cheerleaders. I had no idea, I mean I thought things happened when you were little not…” He ran his fingers through his hair and shifted his eyes. “I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole. Don’t ever talk to me again.”

  I watched, open mouthed, as he disappeared into the sea of people around us.

  In homeroom I buried my face in my arms and tried to control the tears that were brimming around my eyes. I didn’t call out with the teacher called my name for roll, and I didn’t look up when she asked us to take out our books. Paul’s voice echoed in my head all morning. You’re disgusting. I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole.

  My stomach was uneasy as I tried to avoid contact with everyone all day. I skipped lunch and found a quiet spot under the bleachers in the gym. I moved through the motions just to keep up an appearance.

  Fourth period my chemistry teacher put on an episode of Law and Order to show the forensic side of chemistry. The storyline was of a girl who got raped in Central Park. Halfway through I got up, suddenly nauseous, and bolted for the classroom door. I made it ten feet before Mr. Salorski’s voice was behind me. “Brooke? Brooke just a minute.”

  I turned around, unsure if I was going to lose what little breakfast I ate that day in the middle of the hallway.

  “Look uh, I heard some things, you know. And I didn’t want to single you out, but maybe I should have since I know what you’re going through is probably very sensitive.”

  Please, God, why.

  “I’m okay with you spending the rest of the period in the guidance office if you want. You don’t even have to come back to class. I’ll send Cristin to the office with your stuff after this period.”

  I nodded and forced a “Thank you” before turning on my heel. I heard the classroom door click behind me and I raced past the bathrooms. I moved through the stairwell, down the old east hallway and out through the parking lot double doors. I didn’t stop when I heard a hall monitor call after me, or when she radioed for someone as I raced towards my car.

  I needed to talk to someone. I had to get out of there. I reached my car and turned the engine, ignoring the flailing arms of two hall monitors who had followed me outside.

  “Gina, I hope you’re home,” I said to myself, and watched the high school disappear into a blur behind me.

  ***

  It took a week or two before I was able to snap out of it enough to get caught up on some school work. Just when I started to get into a routine of going to all my classes again, more court dates rolled through.

  Heather was my designated Victims Advocate. She was in charge of making sure I understood what was going on during the court proceedings and looked after my best interests. I listened to her rattle off information about our PFA was but I was having a hard time concentrating. Basically it was just a piece of paper that said Earl couldn’t come near anyone in the family, otherwise we could call the police and he would be arrested on the spot. I secretly hoped he would violate the order just so I didn’t have to worry about him running around while they conducted the investigation which seemed to be taking forever.

  We stepped off the elevator and Heather stopped in front of the first door on the right. “Okay, you ready to go inside? Any questions?”

  I shook my head. All I had to do was listen to what the judge said and maybe answer some questions. It seemed pretty straightforward.

  Heather pulled open the door and whisked her hand motioning for me to go ahead. We sat on a bench behind a strawberry blond guy dressed in an expensive looking suit. He half smiled at me when he saw me sit down. “That’s your lawyer, he works for the D.A’s office,” Heather whispered.

  The door creaked open and I opened my mouth when Earl walked in. I reached out for Heather’s hand so fast I startled her. “What’s he doing here?” I hissed. A large jolly man with a very round face bobbled in behind him.

  “He’s here for the hearing too,” Heather said. “It’s all right. There are guards.” She pointed toward the judge’s seat and a uniformed guard eyed Earl as he sat down. I relaxed a little.

  When the judge walked in everyone stood up and I was surprised to see it was a woman. TV always showed male judges. We sat down and I listened to my lawyer and tried to follow what he was saying. After a few minutes, the judge looked at me.

  “Brooke Nolan, please take the stand.” She turned over a piece of paper in front of her.

  The stand?

  I thought I would have to answer a question or two from my seat. I looked at Heather and she nodded. The judge pointed to a seat next to the judge’s stand. “Up here, if you please, Brooke.”

  In a daze I sat down and was sworn in. “It states here on the report you filed with police that you had been molested by your father in the state of New York, is this true?”

  I nodded.

  “Is this true, Miss Nolan.” Her voice was icy. “Please speak up.”

  “Oh. Yea, that’s true.”

  “Yea?” The judge raised an eyebrow. “Very well. Can you also tell me what happened between you and Mr. Nolan after moving to Pennsylvania?”

  I looked at the paper in her hand. She had the police report right in front of her, couldn’t she just read what I wrote? Embarrassed again, I fumbled trying to say the words: rape, penis, vagina.

  “Do you remember what you wrote, Miss Nolan?” The Judge narrowed her eyes at me.

  A wave of regret washed over me the second I looked up and my eyes met with Earl’s. How am I supposed to do this? This judge sitting here is the definition of sophistication. I have to sit in this wide, open court full of people I don’t even know and say that I was raped? Who is this jolly fat man behind Earl? Who is the man sitting beside the judge? Why is the officer staring at me?

  I looked up, blinking hard. “I was um. It’s hard to…”

  “Miss Nolan I need to know if anything happened between you and Mr. Nolan after your family moved here to Pennsylvania.” She tapped a long fingernail.

  “I think it was um, I was…it was rape.”

  “You think you were raped?”

  “No. I mean, yes. Yes, I was raped.” My voice trembled above a whisper.

  The judge sighed. “Brooke it says here you claim you were raped twice by Mr. Nolan after moving to Pennsylvania, is that true?”

  Geeze, much be
tter. Yes or no questions please!

  I nodded, the judge stared.

  “Yea. I mean, yes, yes ma’m.”

  “All right.” She shuffled through papers and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “That’s all Miss Nolan, you may step down.”

  My pace quickened as I approached Heather and for a second I was terrified Earl would stand up and try and grab me. “Do you want to go out, get some fresh air?” Heather said, studying my face. I nodded.

  I dangled my feet in a chair outside the courthouse and sucked in several deep breaths. Seeing Earl sitting right there in front of me as I struggled to tell the court what happened was over the realm of terrifying. His eyes dug into me even when I didn’t look up, I could feel them.

  Heather escorted me into her office and sat down with my mom and I. “The judge has ruled in your favor. You have a PFA order that doesn’t allow David to come within two hundred feet of anyone in your family. He can’t call you, text you, or otherwise have any contact with any members of your family. If he does, just contact the police and they’ll be there as soon as they can.”

  “I mean, this won’t stop him from trying to come into the house or anything.” I felt nervous at the idea. “It’s only a piece of paper.”

  “It is only a piece of paper. But if he’s stupid enough to violate it, it means he goes to jail sooner than later. Just keep on the lookout if you really feel he’ll try to get near you.”

  It didn’t help that the local fair started that week. Judd begged me to go and I was a hopeless wreck looking over my shoulder every two seconds. “It’s all right Brooke, I got you.” He pulled me closer to him. My cell phone rang and I pulled it out of my pocket. MOM flashed across the screen.

  “Hey.”

  “Are you at the fair?”

  “Yea why?”

  “Leave. Leave now.”

  “Mom…why, what’s going on?”

  “One of the neighbors just called me. Dad’s walking around the fair, he’s by the arena. Leave now.”

  I hung up and grabbed Judd by the arm. “We need to go.” The alarm in my voice didn’t give him a chance to question me.