“Morgan?” her father interrupted. “Is she the one who filled your head with such thoughts?”
She winced as she realized what she had just done. She hadn’t meant to bring Morgan into this. “You mean did Morgan make me gay? No.”
“But she does have something to do with this?”
Reluctantly, Raven nodded. “She’s my girlfriend. Was.”
“How long? How long have you been seeing this girl?” He sneered the word, as if even saying it was distasteful. “Sneaking around and lying to us?”
When he put it that way, Raven didn’t want to tell him. She didn’t want to tarnish the brief relationship they’d had by subjecting it to his anger and obvious disgust. And, technically, she had not been lying. Every time she’d gone to see Morgan, she’d told her parents exactly where she was going. She just hadn’t mentioned that there would be kissing and cuddling and hand-holding. Somehow, she hadn’t thought they’d appreciate those finer points. But she could tell from the hard edge in his voice, now was not the time to be defiant. “A couple of weeks. Just after she started helping me study for my exam.”
“You’re grounded.”
“I’m what?
“Grounded.”
“So…what? No phone, no computer, until I’m not a lesbian anymore?” She shook her head. They weren’t getting it. They were never going to get it. And she couldn’t take any more. She was shivering, so worked up. Angry tears stung her eyes, and she refused to let her parents reduce her to tears. Without another word, she turned and walked out of the room.
Raven wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or resentful that neither of her parents tried to stop her from leaving. It’s not that she had any desire to continue the conversation, but shouldn’t they have made at least a token effort? She listened for the sound of footsteps or a voice calling after her, but all was silent behind her as she pulled on her coat, jammed her feet into her boots, and slipped out of the house.
Ignoring the torrent of tears and the implications of what she had just done, Raven thrust her hands deep into her pockets and started walking. The streets were dark and deserted. Not a single soul, not even one car passed her as she wandered without destination.
She couldn’t, wouldn’t, allow herself to think about what had happened. She was just taking a walk, enjoying the night air, and the fresh blanket of snow—that’s what she kept telling herself as she turned corners when she came to them and crossed intersections on autopilot. Because if she let herself think about the fact that she’d just come out to her parents, and then walked out in the middle of them flipping out, she’d break down on the spot.
She couldn’t do that.
She walked until she couldn’t walk anymore. Until her feet were numb and her cheeks burned, until she shivered with cold. Even then, she wasn’t ready to go home. When she finally took in her surroundings, she found herself about four blocks from home, across the street from the park where she and her friends had played after school when she was younger…and about two blocks from Summer’s house.
It wasn’t until she’d rung the doorbell that Raven realized Summer was going to want some kind of explanation as to why she was on her doorstep at nearly midnight, but it was too late to change her mind now. She heard the faint thud of footsteps in the hallway, and a moment later, the door swung open to reveal a confused, pajama-clad Summer, blinking at her.
“Raven?” Summer opened the screen door and stepped forward so they were face-to-face.
“I had a fight with my parents,” Raven said softly, blinking away the tears that formed as her words conjured up the memory. “Can I stay here tonight?”
Summer’s expression transformed from confused to stunned, but she nodded and stepped back, ushering Raven in. “Of course. Yeah. Come in.”
“Thanks.” She managed a wan smile as she stepped past her.
Summer hovered by her shoulder, waiting as she shed her winter clothes, and then silently led the way upstairs. Raven knew Summer was curious and was grateful she wasn’t pressing for details.
When they made it to her room, Summer flopped down on her bed and turned her gaze to Raven, who stood uncertainly on the threshold. Normally, she’d flop down beside Summer, elbows and knees bumping as they jostled for space and not think anything of it, but now she felt hesitant. Summer might not want Raven on the bed with her when she told her what the fight with her parents had been about. She pulled out Summer’s desk chair and settled on that.
Summer raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. Instead, she slid forward on the bed and sat cross-legged at the end, studying Raven in silence as she waited.
Raven knew if she told Summer she didn’t want to talk about it, Summer would accept that, dying of curiosity or not. And it was tempting, so very tempting to just say nothing, to keep the details of this night to herself and go on as if nothing had changed. But tonight’s events—Morgan, her parents, all of it—caused an ache in her chest. Foolish as it may be to think Summer could make it better, Raven had to at least try.
For better or worse, she was going to come out to her best friend.
“There’s something I haven’t told you,” she began, meeting Summer’s gaze and then averting her eyes, deciding that if Summer was going to look at her the same way her parents had, she didn’t want to see it. “Not because I was keeping secrets, but because I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d react.”
She glanced up quickly. Summer stared intently at her, brow furrowed, nibbling her bottom lip as she waited. Raven took a deep breath and refocused on her hands, twisting in her lap.
“I’m gay.”
A moment of silence ensued, followed by the rustle of covers as Summer slid off the bed. Raven braced herself for whatever came next: anger, yelling, demands to get out. She felt Summer in front of her, but couldn’t bring herself to look up. The next thing she knew, Summer had knelt in front of her and put her arms around her shoulders as she drew her into a hug. Raven’s entire body sagged with relief, and she melted into the touch, clinging to her as sobs ripped through her body.
Summer rubbed soothing circles across her back and stroked her hair, until her tears subsided and her breathing evened out to just the occasional hiccup. When she pulled back, she didn’t go far. She sat back on her heels, one hand on Raven’s knee as she reached for a box of tissues with the other.
“Thank you,” Raven said when she was able to speak again.
“Of course.” Summer gave her leg one last squeeze before rising to her feet and dropping onto the bed, sitting at the end, her feet hanging over the edge so they bumped against Raven’s as she swung them lightly.
It wasn’t the reaction she had expected, but it was the one she’d been hoping for. At least one thing had gone right tonight. She didn’t think she could’ve handled another rejection. She only hoped Summer was actually as okay with this as she appeared to be, because Raven was going to need someone to talk to. Right now, though, she just wanted to close her eyes and forget that tonight had even happened. Emotional exhaustion took over. “Can we…do you mind if we talk about this more tomorrow?” she asked. “I’m just…I’m so tired.”
Summer nodded. “Whatever you need.”
“Thank you. Again. For everything.” She reached over and squeezed her hand, eyeing her for a reaction, any indication that she was uncomfortable, but Summer didn’t even blink. She just squeezed back and offered a soft smile.
After a moment, Raven let their joined hands drop and stood. They got ready for bed in silence, but it was a comfortable silence, one borne of familiarity and routine. It wasn’t until they were both settled in when Summer broke the silence, her voice quiet in the darkness that shrouded them.
“Hey, Rae?”
“Yeah?”
“This changes nothing. You’re still my best friend. I still love you.”
Raven nodded, even though she knew Summer couldn’t see.
“And, Raven?”
“Yeah?”<
br />
“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”
She let out a soft murmur, her throat too thick with tears for words.
Chapter Twenty-eight
The bed was empty when Raven woke the next morning. From the sounds and smells drifting up from downstairs, she assumed Summer was in the kitchen giving her parents an abbreviated version of last night. She knew Summer’s parents wouldn’t mind that she’d spent the night, and she doubted Summer would reveal her secret without okaying it with her first, but she still didn’t feel like going downstairs and facing them. She wasn’t up for dealing with people today. All she wanted to do was curl up and wallow. Since her bed wasn’t available for wallowing at the moment, Summer’s would have to do. She grabbed the remote and aimed it at the TV perched on the corner of the desk. It sprang to life, and she idly flipped channels, not really in the mood for anything but wanting something to distract her from her thoughts.
About twenty minutes later, she heard footsteps on the stairs, then Summer’s door creaked open slowly.
“Hey,” she said softly, stepping into the room with a tray balanced across one arm.
“Morning.”
“So, I realize today is an ice cream and movies kind of day, but it’s not quite noon yet, and my mom wouldn’t go for me bringing a carton up here, so I had to settle.”
As she approached, Raven got a look at the food piled high onto plates, waffles topped with ice cream, whipped cream and fresh cut fruit, and she couldn’t help but smile.
“I think it’ll do,” she said as she balanced the tray while Summer slid onto the bed beside her. “Thank you, Summer.” And she meant for more than just the breakfast, although that was definitely part of it.
Summer gave a faint shrug as she settled back against the pillows and pulled one of the plates onto her lap. They ate in silence, an old-school cartoon that brought back memories of childhood flickering across the screen in front of them. It wasn’t until their plates had been scraped clean and set aside on the floor that Summer turned to her and asked, “Do you want to talk?”
“No,” she said with a sigh. She so desperately wanted to pretend everything from last night hadn’t happened. But part of what had occurred had been exactly because she’d spent too much time hiding and denying what was going on. Morgan had broken up with her because she couldn’t, or wouldn’t, face up to who she was. “But I think I need to.”
“You don’t have to, but I think you should,” Summer agreed.
“I don’t even know where to start,” she said. There was so much ground to cover.
“Why don’t you start with…how long have you known?”
“A while. Longer than I was willing to admit it to myself, anyway.” She couldn’t pinpoint exactly when the feeling or the inkling of knowledge had begun, but she knew it had been lingering for years. “But I guess I really started to know a few weeks ago.”
Summer nodded, following along, and Raven was glad Summer was so accepting. She needed that, someone steady, someone she could lean on right now.
“Right around the time Morgan started helping me study for my art exam.”
Summer’s eyes widened with surprise. “You have a crush on Morgan?” she asked, her voice going up in pitch at the sheer surprise of it.
Raven bit back a grin, perversely enjoying her shock. “Yeah. I didn’t know what it was at first. I couldn’t understand why I kept…responding to her the way I was. That first night, I thought it was just me being uncomfortable around her because she was gay and I’d never met anyone who was before.”
“You freaked out and ran into the bathroom,” Summer said slowly. “That was because—”
“I was imaging what it would be like to kiss Morgan, and there she was next to me, like right next to me, my whole body was buzzing from her touch.”
“And then, back up in my room you—I accused you of being a homophobe. Oh, Rae, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, Summer. What else were you to think? I was so confused; it’s not like I could tell you what was really going on in my head.”
Summer nodded, mollified by her words, and Raven continued, explaining how they’d gotten close over the course of studying, and how it started getting harder for her to deny what was really going on. “And so I kissed her. Then I flipped out and took off.”
“Wait a minute—you kissed Morgan?” Summer asked, sounding incredulous, and Raven was ashamed to admit she was actually enjoying this. Just a little. She’d never gotten to have this kind of talk with her friends before, the slow reveal of attraction and retelling of events that led to that first kiss, that first date.
“Yes, I kissed Morgan.” She took a deep breath and braced herself for the big reveal. “More than once, actually. We were kind of…we were…dating.”
Summer’s eyebrows shot up toward her hairline. “Come again? You and Morgan are—you have a girlfriend?”
The question brought tears to her eyes, and she blinked away their sting. She’d been doing all right so far, not getting emotional about it, not really letting herself think about what it was she was saying, but hearing that word brought it all back. It reminded her this wasn’t just a story she was telling, and it was more than teasing Summer with the slow parceling out of information. She’d gotten her heart broken the night before, and it was all her own fault.
At the sight of her tears, Summer wrapped her arm around Raven’s shoulders and pulled her in tight. “I’m not judging you or anything. I’m just surprised. I wasn’t expecting that.”
Raven wiped her eyes. “I know. It’s okay,” she said. “That’s not what’s upsetting me. Morgan and I broke up last night.”
“Oh, Rae.” Summer’s one-arm embrace became a full hug. Raven relaxed into her arms, resting her head against Summer’s shoulder, as the whole tale came spilling out.
“They wouldn’t even look at me,” she said quietly when she got to the confrontation with her parents. “My dad was pissed. And my mom kept telling me it was just because I was lonely and hadn’t met the right guy. They wanted me to go talk to someone, as if that would fix me or something.”
Summer squeezed her sympathetically but didn’t say anything. What was there to say, really?
“I don’t know how I’m going to face them again,” Raven said, thinking of how awkward and horrible it was going to be when she finally had to go home. She couldn’t stay camped out on Summer’s bed forever.
“Maybe they just need a chance to process what you told them,” Summer said softly. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“Are you taking their side in this?” Raven pulled away so she could turn and look at Summer, who was shaking her head and reaching out to draw Raven back in.
“Of course not. It’s horrible, the stuff they said to you. I’m just saying, you sort of dropped a bomb on them and expected them to just be automatically okay with it.” Summer slid her arm across Raven’s shoulder and squeezed her lightly. “Were you okay with it, when you first realized you were gay?”
“God, no. I was so freaked out…” Raven trailed off, understanding the point Summer was trying to make.
“Look, I know it sucks. And it hurts because they’re your parents. But you’ve had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea. Give them the same chance. Let them cool down a little and then try and talk to them again.”
Raven nodded, reluctantly admitting what Summer said made sense. After a few minutes, her words even started to give Raven hope. Maybe after having the chance to process, they were regretting their reactions. Maybe now, they wouldn’t be so narrow-minded.
Chapter Twenty-nine
“What are you doing there, Rae? Looking for Narnia?”
She jumped at the sound of Summer’s voice behind her, and a blush heated up her cheeks as she realized she’d been standing in front of the closet staring into it since she’d stepped out of the bathroom from her shower. She gripped the towel wrapped around her so it wouldn’t slip, and turned. “Just because
you’ve never found it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” She grabbed a T-shirt and jeans and ducked just inside the bathroom to dress.
Summer just rolled her eyes and glanced down at her phone, which had pinged a new text coming in. “It’s Chloe,” she said. “She wants to know if I’m up for coffee or something, this afternoon. And if I know where you are. She’s texted you a bunch of times, apparently.”
Chloe.
Raven froze in mid-step. Chloe had no idea what had happened last night, what had been going on for the last few weeks. She liked the idea of being able to talk openly with Summer about what she was going through, and she didn’t want to worry about weighing her words or censoring herself when Chloe was around. She was just so tired of it, of trying to figure out what was safe to say, and to whom. “Can you tell her I’m here and that my phone died, or something?” She’d left it behind on her rush out the door last night. “And maybe that you can’t, but I’d like to meet up for coffee?”
Summer glanced up from her phone and gave her a searching look. “Are you sure?”
Raven nodded, despite the butterflies that erupted in her stomach at the thought.
“You know she might not take it well.”
Raven considered that. She’d been considering it for weeks now. It was part of what had made her so reluctant to tell anyone in the first place, but there was also the possibility Chloe would be as lovely and supportive as Summer was being. She had to know. “I know.”
“And you really don’t want me to go with you?”
“I do, actually,” she admitted. “But I think it’s something I need to do by myself. I don’t want Chloe to feel like we’re ganging up on her or something.”
“Are you coming back here when you’re done?”
Raven shrugged. “Depends on how it goes, I guess.” If Chloe flipped out, Raven was definitely going to need Summers’s shoulder to cry on. If she took it well, that might be the boost she needed to go home and face her parents.
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