“Summer. Chloe.”
From the way they both fell silent she knew they’d been talking about her.
“Hey, Raven.” Summer gave her a warm, albeit slightly awkward smile, while Chloe simply nodded her head in greeting.
The day wasn’t starting off so hot. She was tempted to turn around and go home, hide in her room all day. If her father wasn’t gone yet, he would be soon. The thing was, she didn’t really want to be alone with her thoughts. She was looking forward to the distraction of school—or at least she had been. She didn’t know if she’d be able to face it if her friends were going to act weird all day.
After a moment’s hesitation in the doorway, she decided to plow through, pretend everything was normal. Maybe if she did, eventually, it would be. “Can I bum a ride?” she asked as she crossed the room and flopped down on the bed. She landed next to Chloe, jostling her and brushing against her leg. Beside her, she felt Chloe stiffen, and then slowly inch her calf away from Raven’s shoulder. She tried to pretend she didn’t notice, but it stung.
“Sure thing,” Summer’s answer was mostly lost amongst the buzzing in her head, but she managed to mumble a quick thanks, before staring at the ceiling and trying to find patterns in the spackle, as a heavy silence fell over the room.
“So…you guys ready to go?”
Raven nodded and rolled off the bed. A moment later, Chloe followed suit, still keeping a careful distance from Raven as the three of them made their way downstairs in silence. She was glad it was a short drive to school.
Ten minutes of awkward silence, punctuated by overly cheerful radio jockeys later, they were climbing out of Summer’s car and heading in different directions. Or rather, Chloe was heading off on her own to meet AJ before classes started.
Raven hated feeling happy to see Chloe go.
“Hey.” Summer’s hand on her elbow pulled her out of her thoughts, and Raven turned her head to face her. “She’ll come around.”
*
School was a waste, for the amount of attention she paid to her morning classes. She tried to take notes and follow along, but her concentration was shot. By the time lunch rolled around, Raven had decided to ditch the rest of the day and go home. When the bell rang releasing them from classes, Raven headed for her locker instead of the cafeteria, only to be caught up short when she spotted Summer leaning against her locker waiting for her.
“Hey,” she called out as she approached. “What’s up?”
Summer should be in the cafeteria securing them a decent table. Her class was the closest, so it generally fell to her to make sure they didn’t get stuck sitting in the back by the recycling and garbage bins or under the draft of the windows.
“Just thought I’d walk you to lunch.” Summer’s tone was too casual, her smile a little too bright. She had definitely guessed that Raven was going to take off. Raven just couldn’t figure out why she was trying to stop her. She opened her mouth to protest, but before she could speak up, Summer continued, “Avoiding her isn’t going to fix your friendship.”
“I’m not the one avoiding her.”
“The only way you two are going to get past this is if you spend some time together. Show her that you’re still the same person she’s known for the last ten years.”
As much as she hated to admit it, Raven knew Summer was right. The only way to get through to Chloe was to show her that nothing had changed. But she just wasn’t up for it today. She started to beg off, but caught Summer’s hopeful gaze, the pleading in her eyes, and sighed. “Fine, lead the way. But as soon as lunch is over, I’m gone.”
Chapter Thirty-four
“I’m so sick of this day,” Raven said by way of greeting, as she strode through Summer’s open bedroom door. “Can I stay here tonight?” she asked, as she dropped her backpack onto the floor and flopped onto her bed. “I really don’t want to be at home right now.”
She had spent the afternoon wallowing around the house, rereading all the texts she and Morgan had exchanged, because, despite the ache they created in her chest, she simply could not get enough. She couldn’t bear to be there when her parents got home though. She just wasn’t up to facing her dad.
“Of course you can stay here,” Summer said. “But Chloe and I are working on a project for sociology.”
Raven’s head shot up at the mention of Chloe’s name and offered a weak smile when she spotted her leaning against the side of Summer’s desk.
“If you want to hang for a bit we can do a movie or something when we’re done,” Summer continued. “Make a girls’ night out of it.”
Raven hesitated. Trading in the awkwardness at home for awkwardness with Chloe wasn’t really what she’d had in mind for the evening. “Sounds good,” she said finally. Summer nodded and then turned an appraising eye on Chloe, who looked about as uncomfortable as Raven felt. After a moment under her expectant stare, she nodded.
“Awesome,” Summer said with a grin. “It shouldn’t take us more than an hour to finish up here. If you want to watch something…” She tossed the remote over. Raven caught it and then placed it on the bedside table in favor of pulling out her phone.
“What’s wrong with being at home?” Chloe asked. It was the first thing she’d said to Raven all day, but Raven wasn’t in the mood to get into it with her. She shrugged.
“Raven’s dad hasn’t spoken to her since she came out,” Summer said when Raven remained silent.
“Oh, Rae, that sucks,” Chloe said.
When Raven chanced a glance over at her, she looked genuinely upset. She didn’t have the energy to point out the irony of her comment. Instead, she turned her attention back to her texts and tried to ignore the prickly feeling along the back of her neck that told her she was being stared at.
“So what do you say we finish this up tomorrow and start that movie now?” Summer suggested, way too brightly.
“As long as it’s not one of those horror flicks you guys love so much,” Chloe said. “I’d like to actually be able to sleep tonight.”
Raven and Summer exchanged glances. Seeing the look, Chloe let out a sigh. “Fine. But I’m sleeping here. And the light stays on.”
*
“Worst. Movie. Ever,” Chloe said as soon as the screen faded to black and the credits started rolling up the screen.
“How would you know? You barely watched any of it,” Summer countered.
Chloe opened her mouth to reply, but Raven interrupted their banter as she pushed herself to her feet.
“I’m going to make some popcorn,” she said as she started for the kitchen, not sure if either of them heard her, or if they were even paying attention.
“Make two bags,” Summer called out after her. “Oh. And can you bring me a drink?”
“Sure thing.”
“And there are chips in the cupboard. Would you get them too?”
“Is that all?” Raven teased as she spun around in the doorway. “Or would you like anything else?”
Summer pretended to consider for a minute. “Nope. That’ll be all. Unless you’re really hungry, then there’s a pizza in the freezer.”
Raven rolled her eyes but nodded.
“I’ll help,” Chloe said softly and pushed herself to her feet and followed Raven into the kitchen.
The silence between them was heavy, expectant, as they moved around the kitchen and each other with practiced familiarity. Within minutes, they had everything set up; the pizza was heating in the oven, the popcorn was turning in the microwave, the glasses were full of ice and soda, and the bowls were stacked next to the bag of chips.
With nothing left to distract them, the tension grew. Raven leaned against the counter and absently read the magnets and comic strips on the fridge, while Chloe fidgeted in a chair at the table across from her. Finally, she cleared her throat.
Raven stiffened, waiting.
“I know I’ve been pretty crappy in the friend department lately,” Chloe said softly. “I’m sorry. It just took me a coupl
e of days to wrap my head around it.”
Raven nodded once.
“I didn’t feel like I knew you anymore. I didn’t—I don’t—really know how to talk to you.”
“I’m the same person I’ve been all along, Chlo.”
“Really? It doesn’t feel like it,” Chloe said softly. “We used to tell each other everything. And then I find out you have this whole other side to you that I had absolutely no idea about.”
“It’s not like I was keeping secrets to hurt you. I was afraid—terrified—of how you’d react if I told you. And guess what? It was a valid concern,” Raven added. “Because when I told you, you couldn’t deal.”
“I know. That’s why I’m apologizing. You’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you. I’m trying, okay?”
“You shouldn’t have to try,” Raven snapped. “If you’re my best friend I should be able to tell you anything and have you accept it. Accept me.”
“I know. It’s just a lot to take in. And you didn’t exactly make it easy for me. You told me, and then you shut down. I didn’t feel like I could talk to you about it.”
“Well, I’m sorry my personal crisis has been so hard on you.”
“See, this is what I’m talking about. I’m trying to talk to you and you’re not hearing me. I don’t know how to deal with you anymore.”
“I haven’t changed, Chloe. If you can’t deal, that’s on you.”
“I’m trying to fix things. You’re shutting me down.”
Chloe’s words gave her pause. Was she being unfairly harsh to her? Chloe’s behavior over the past week had hurt, but she was here now and she seemed sincere in her efforts. And, wait. Wasn’t that all she had wanted, for Chloe to be back in her life? She didn’t like the awkward tension that hung between them. She wanted things to normal again. But…if she just gave in, wasn’t that like saying the way Chloe had treated her was okay?
“I know I’ve got a lot of making up to do,” Chloe said, “but it won’t work if you don’t let me.”
Raven slumped against the counter, all the fight draining out of her. “Okay.”
A hesitant smile tugged at the corners of Chloe’s lips.
“I wanted to tell you,” Raven said softly into the silence, thinking back to all the nights she caught herself, phone in hand, about to call one of her friends. She’d gone through so much in the last few weeks, confusion and uncertainty, excitement and happiness, and she’d gone through most of it alone.
“You can tell me now,” Chloe said, equally soft. “You can tell me about her. What happened between you two anyway?”
Raven blinked at the question, feeling that familiar lump at the base of her throat as her mind flashed back to their last conversation. “She needed more than I was ready to give.”
“More as in…” Chloe’s eyebrow arched in question, and Raven blushed as she realized what her explanation could have been alluding to.
“No. No, we weren’t anywhere ready for that.” Raven swallowed back her nervousness. “She wanted someone who could hold her hand in public and wasn’t uncomfortable with people knowing they were together. She had an art show she wanted me to go to. And I just couldn’t. We got into a fight about it on Saturday.”
“Are you guys broken up? Or are you just in a fight?”
“Is there a difference?”
“Well, yeah,” Chloe said, the “duh” heavily implied. “Couples fight all the time. But it doesn’t always mean they’re broken up.”
“How do you know which one it is?” she asked slowly, because it had felt pretty final to her. But if there was even a chance…
She held her breath, waiting for Chloe’s answer.
“Depends on what the fight was about. Whether or not the thing that caused it can be changed. Fixed.”
Raven tried not to read too much into Chloe’s words, tried not to let the faint stirring of hope in her chest grow, until she was sure what Chloe was implying. “This fight you and Morgan had, about you not being able to be there for her, publicly. Has that changed? Could you go to this art show thing and hold her hand? Be her girlfriend?”
Raven considered it. She’d come out to her family, to her friends. She and Morgan wouldn’t have to lie or sneak around. While being out and open about their relationship was still a frightening prospect, the pull of fear wasn’t nearly as strong as the remembered warmth of Morgan’s hand in hers, and the pleasant flutter of butterflies she got when Morgan smiled at her.
She glanced over at Chloe, and saw she was fidgeting in her chair, staring at her expectantly.
“Yeah. I could,” she said, smiling even as tears pooled in her eyes.
Chapter Thirty-five
Raven paused just outside the door of the art gallery, trying to calm her racing heart. She clutched the bouquet of flowers tightly in both hands in an attempt to stop them from shaking. After a moment, Raven exhaled slowly and pushed through the door. Once inside, she paused once again, this time letting her gaze roam around the room, trying to take it all in but it was all just a blur of faces and colors. She blinked and forced herself to focus, scanning the room until she found what she was looking for. Or who.
Morgan.
She stood on the other side of the room, head bent in conversation with another girl. Raven took in the sight of them standing close, Morgan’s hand resting on Cindy’s elbow, and her blood ran cold. It had never occurred to her that Morgan might have moved on already, that she might have brought a date. Then the girl’s head tipped back in laughter, and Raven realized it was Cindy. She let out a sigh of relief and sagged momentarily against the door behind her.
Cindy glanced up as she approached and offered a small smile, but Morgan didn’t seem to register her presence until Raven came to a stop directly in front of her. Morgan’s gaze drifted up, and she blinked owlishly.
“What are you doing here?” Morgan’s tone wasn’t exactly accusatory, but it wasn’t welcoming either. It didn’t escape Raven’s notice the way Morgan’s grip tightened on Cindy’s arm for support.
Raven’s words died in the back of her throat. The carefully crafted speech that she, Summer, and Chloe had spent hours working on last night vanished from her brain. She stood there feeling awkward and tongue-tied, death-gripping the bouquet of flowers until the stems dug painfully into her palms. Instead of answering the question directly, Raven lifted the bouquet into Morgan’s eye line and pressed it gently into her hands. “I got you these.”
Morgan’s fingers closed around the stems automatically. “That’s sweet of you,” she said. “But you shouldn’t have.”
Raven searched her mind for what she’d meant to say. For the eloquence she’d practiced last night, but her thoughts were a jumble inside her head. “I miss you,” she said. “I miss you, and I want to get back together,” she added, then bit back a groan at how ungraceful she was being.
“Oh, Raven.” Morgan’s tone was gentle, sympathetic, but also cautious, and Raven couldn’t help but recoil slightly from it. Morgan was seconds away from letting her down easy, and she couldn’t let that happen.
“I came out to my parents,” she blurted, wincing at how her words ran together in her rush to get them out. “To my friends. I’m out now.”
“That’s…I don’t know what to say. I’m proud of you. For coming out.”
Raven nodded and allowed herself a moment to soak up the warmth of Morgan’s words, and her gentle smile before shaking her head, dispelling the feeling. That wasn’t why she was here. “I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I made you feel like I was ashamed of being with you. Because I wasn’t. Not once. I was proud to be with you. I was just afraid.” She took a step closer and felt a stirring of hope when Morgan didn’t immediately take a step back.
“But I’m not afraid anymore. My mom wants you to come to dinner some night. And yeah, it’ll have to be on a night when my dad’s not around, but the point is, I want you to meet her. I want to introduce you to my friends as my girlfriend and take you out
and hold your hand, because I don’t care if anyone sees us.” She met Morgan’s gaze with pleading eyes. She needed Morgan to see that she was being serious about this, that she was ready for this, for them. “Just give me another chance. Please?” She reached out and took Morgan’s hand, lacing their fingers together and giving a gentle squeeze. She stared searchingly into Morgan’s eyes.
A grin tugged at the corners of Morgan’s lips. “Okay.”
It was more of a sigh than a word, a breathless exhalation so quiet that Raven almost missed it. At the last moment, she realized what Morgan had said.“Yeah?” She smiled so wide that it hurt but she couldn’t stop.
Morgan nodded. “Yeah.”
Raven’s free hand came up and cupped Morgan’s face, the pads of her fingers sliding gently across her smooth skin, as she dipped her head and, heedless of the crowd around them, captured Morgan’s lips with her own. Morgan smiled into the kiss and wrapped her arms around Raven’s waist, pulling her close. Raven went willingly, openly, knowing she was finally exactly where she should be and exactly who she should be: herself. Nothing more, and—never again—nothing less.
About the Author
Growing up in a small town in Southern Ontario, Samantha Hale was an avid reader who fell in love with the written word in all its forms. She was fascinated with the way a book could take her away to another world and began writing, finding that she loved creating her own worlds just as much as she loved reading about the ones in her favorite novels.
Soliloquy Titles From Bold Strokes Books
Searching for Grace by Juliann Rich. First it’s a rumor. Then it’s a fact. And then it’s on. (978-1-62639-196-3)
Dark Tide by Greg Herren. A summer working as a lifeguard at a hotel on the Gulf Coast seems like a dream job…until Ricky Hackworth realizes the town is shielding some very dark—and deadly—secrets. (978-1-62639-197-0)
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