by Gabriela Paz
The little girl’s name was Savannah, and she was about four years old. She wore the cutest little fairy outfit, and every single time she smiled, Eva felt her heart rejoice.
“Okay, Sarah. I think we are done. I got some really good ones. She’s a natural.” Eva told the mother.
“Thanks so much! I can’t wait to see them.”
“Give me about a week to go through them, and I will send you the best ones,” Eva said. Her mother had put in a good word with Sarah at the salon about Eva’s photography, and she ended up booking her. It had been only a few months since Eva started taking photos again, and she was already getting referrals. She had finally bought herself a new professional camera with her savings and was trying to get booked as much as possible.
She didn’t regret her decision to call it quits at the gallery one bit. It hadn’t been easy to say goodbye to Ms. Dubois after demanding a raise, but it was still as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. An unbelievably, humongous weight. She never understood why she went back there in the first place.
She had finally closed that chapter of her life, however, and now she was finally doing what she loved. Photography had always been her passion, no matter how much she tried to convince herself that it wasn’t. For the first time ever, her path seemed clear, and all she had to do was to see where it took her.
Eva’s career path was finally on the right track, but unfortunately, her painful memories kept her from moving forward in her emotional life. She couldn’t escape them or hide from them no matter how hard she tried. Every day that passed by, she had to endure the pain as the image of Leo’s face rushed through her mind.
She still heard his voice with his thick Italian accent in her dreams as he talked sweet words to her ears. She had experienced pain before, but never guilt, which was a much different kind of prison. A part of her still felt angry with herself for having returned that kiss. She had always held herself up to such high moral standards that now the memories of what she had done haunted her deeply.
Writing him that last text was one of the hardest things she had to do, but seeing his response destroyed her. She was a coward for not telling him. She knew it. Perhaps he could have forgiven her easily. Maybe he would have understood her complicated past with Daniel, and they could still be together. But remembering Leo’s worried eyes when he asked her about Daniel under the pier paralyzed her from doing anything.
Telling Daniel she no longer loved him was also hard, but nothing she couldn’t manage. Though she cared for him deeply, her heart was set in another direction. She surely felt no joy in finally telling him her true feelings. Ending it for good was the best decision for everyone, and she truly wished him the best.
Daniel was a good guy deep down, and she had actually grown fond of the person he had become. She simply didn’t love him anymore. Her heart had been stolen the night of her prom when a random stranger had asked her to keep her company. She had gone off to college running away from her feelings for him, but she couldn’t hide them anymore. The feelings had caught up to her and the more time passed, the stronger the feelings became.
Unfortunately, Daniel didn’t take it very well. He didn’t seem to understand why she kissed him back if she didn’t love him. Although she didn’t intend for him to comprehend the whirlwinds of her mind, she understood his reaction and deeply hoped he forgave her one day.
When Eva finally told Cece about her regretful one-night stand with Daniel in college, and their relatively recent kissing encounter, she nearly exploded. “What? How? When? And, why?” Cece’s questions came out in rapid succession. “Why didn’t you tell me? Oh my God, Eva! Now it makes sense why you were acting so weird.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I was trying to have a good time and feel something. I feel so stupid and ashamed looking back now,” Eva explained. “It’s over, though. Don’t worry. I’ve finally moved on.”
“Thank God! If you hadn’t, I would kill you. I’m not kidding. Do you have any idea what I had to do to cheer you up back then? It was a nightmare.”
Eva chortled. “Thanks, I think,” Eva joked. It was true, it had been a nightmare to cheer her up back then, and she appreciated her friend’s unconditional support. She was especially glad that Cece didn’t judge her with the particular situation she had gotten herself into.
“Don’t beat yourself up. Everybody makes mistakes, and I’m sure it must have been difficult to juggle with two guys,” she teased.
“Shut up,” she laughed as she lightly punched her on the shoulder.
“In all honesty. I would have probably done something worse in that state— with your father getting back in the picture and all,” she blurted.
Right, my father…
After getting done with her morning photo session, Eva headed home quickly. She was supposed to meet Cece for lunch at the mall, and she had some time to kill before heading out. She thought about finishing a few edits that needed work on her computer, but she preferred to do it in the afternoon.
Eva had recently done another photo shoot on a young boy, and the parents were still waiting to receive their pictures. It was so exciting for her to be working on her own with nobody to report to. Every day that passed, she felt herself slowly become more mature as she took on more responsibilities. There was only one matter she had been delaying that wasn’t allowing her to sleep well at night… the letter.
She still hadn’t built up the courage to find out what her father had to say, and it had already been four months. Will it be terrible? What if it’s worse than anything I imagined?
There was no more time to waste, however, and after having such a gratifying morning, she thought it was finally time. Her hands shook slightly as she opened the bottom drawer of her night table and grabbed the letter. She sat comfortably in her bed as she got ready to open it. Her heart was pounding, and her forehead was sweating, but she was determined this time. As she carefully opened the flap, she noticed there were two pages inside it. Eva then took a few deep breaths to calm herself down and started reading.
Dear Eva,
I know it’s been a long time since we talked. I’ve been nothing but regretful of my past choices, and I wanted to apologize. I wish I had the courage to do so in person, but I could never look at you in the face after leaving the way I did. I never meant to hurt you, and I can’t even imagine what you and your mother must have gone through. I was selfish and idiotic. I didn’t value what I had, and it took me years to realize what I lost. It should have never taken me this long to contact you, and I am so sorry. I understand if you hate me. To be honest, I hate me too. Never in a million years could I have predicted having such a beautiful and amazing daughter, and I’m truly grateful for your life. I’ve never stopped loving you for one second, and I need you to know that. My heart was in the wrong place back then, and it took me way longer than expected to understand the kind of person I wanted to be. Unfortunately, I made terrible choices in the process, and I hurt a lot of people. I’ve finally come to terms with have I have done, though, and am I ready to face the consequences.
The truth is, I got married to your mother really quickly. I fell in love with her before I even knew what love meant and how rare it was. When Melissa gave birth to you, our lives became more complicated than we thought, and money was tight. I was under so much pressure that I felt as if I was drowning. Your mom and I tried to work things out daily, but we slowly started to grow apart. She was being a good mother by putting all of her energy into raising you, and I felt as if I had nowhere to turn to on many occasions.
As time passed, I met a coworker at the office who I started spending lots of time with. One thing led to another, and things started to get complicated as I started to grow feelings for her. Your mother didn’t know at the time, of course, and it killed me to lie to her every day. My relationship with this woman kept evolving the more time passed, and unconsciously,
I started pulling further and further away from my family, the only thing that really mattered. It was a nightmare because I still loved your mother, and I didn’t want to leave her. I guess I should have tried harder to stay away from temptation.
One day, my boss called my coworker and me for a meeting and announced that she and I were both getting a promotion in another city, and that was just the beginning of the end. I was torn between the possibility of living two different lives and two different versions of myself. I wanted your mother to understand where I was coming from when we talked about my job and my options, but she never even tried. I was stuck with no way of growing, and she was content with the life we had.
I made a decision solely based on selfishness and guilt, which is probably the worst combination one can have when making a decision. Running away never crossed my mind until that promotion presented itself as a silver tray with the woman I presumed to love included. I was sure it was meant to be. A sign from the universe telling me it was my opportunity to follow my destiny, but I was so wrong.
I’m so sorry for having made such a terrible decision. I was a coward, and I took the easy out. I just want you to know that the way I felt for this woman was nothing compared to the feelings I had for your mother. Melissa was always the one for me, and I ruined the chance of having an amazing life with both of you only because things got difficult. I should have known better then, but I do now. I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done, Eva, and that is the only reason why I can’t face you. I hope knowing the truth somehow gives you peace. I love you with all my heart, and I hope that you can forgive me one day. I would love to see you again someday, whenever you are ready.
Love, Your father.
Crap. He cheated… Her father’s handwriting felt so personal and honest that Eva’s heart had received an unexpected blow. She had expected a cliché letter from her father, apologizing and making lame excuses as to why he didn’t show up all these years. Anything that made it easier to hate him even more was what Eva had been imagining. But this letter was written from the heart, and it held the answers to all of the questions she had wondered about her father and about herself for all of these years.
Sure, he had screwed badly by picking the wrong woman and leaving them the way he did, but for some reason, she felt herself feeling empathy for him. What the hell is wrong with me? She was almost angry with herself for feeling that way, but it was only human to make mistakes, and at this stage in her life, she could definitely relate. At least knowing where she took on the bad decision-making and the delayed discovery of identity made her feel better somehow. Her weaknesses were not only in her head all this time, but they had passed on to her from a bad family gene. It made sense. Everything made sense.
The letter had not only answered all the obvious questions, but it had answered questions Eva didn’t even know she had. All this time living without her father, not knowing what he was like or if he loved her…She suddenly felt connected to him again. Whether she forgave him or not, that was a different story, but at least now she knew the truth.
As Eva read the letter for the second time, she almost felt as if she had written it. The way he expressed his feelings was how she often felt. Never being sure if things actually happened for a reason or not was often a huge doubt in her mind. She no longer felt that way; nevertheless, she was now certain that her whole life had led her to the exact moment she was living now, reading that letter from her father.
There were so many thoughts and feelings juggling in her mind. Does my mom know? Did he maybe talk to her about this already? Should I tell her? And what if she doesn’t know?
Eva couldn’t bear the thought of breaking her mother’s heart like that. If she didn’t know her father left her for another woman, Eva wasn’t going to be the one to tell her. She was going to shut her mouth forever if she had to as long as her mother remained happy. She had finally found a good companion for her to spend her life with, and she didn’t need to know about this. And if she did know, she was going to have some explaining to do.
There was only one thing Eva was sure about at this point; she didn’t want to become her father. Anything but following his footsteps. She wasn’t going to let the bad genes dictate the course of her life without her having a say about it. Her dad had waited twelve years to rectify his mistake, she had only waited four long months so far, and she wasn’t going to let another day pass by without telling Leo the truth.
Right after hanging up, Eva scrolled down her contacts and dialed the only person who could tell her where Leo was. The phone rang on the other side of the line as she waited impatiently.
“Hello?”
Thank God. “Stefano! Hi, I’m glad you picked up. It’s Eva.”
“Hey Eva, what’s up?” he said, sounding surprised to hear her voice.
“Everything’s okay. I’m sorry to be calling out of nowhere. I was just wondering if you could tell me where Leo was.” She could have texted or called him directly, but this was something she needed to do in person.
“Erm yeah, He’s not here, Eva…why don’t you call him?”
“Please tell me where he is.”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to try this again? He was pretty upset after the way things ended last time.”
“Yes, I know. It was my fault, but I need to make it right. Please tell me where he is, and he can make up his own mind.”
Stefano sighed and, after a few seconds, ended up answering, “He went back home, Eva. I’m sorry.”
“Back home? You mean to Italy?” Eva said, astonished. This can’t be right. His whole life is here.
“Yes.”
“It doesn’t make any sense. Why would he go back?”
“You might want to ask him that yourself. I’m honestly still not sure.”
What could have possibly made him leave? Is it really my fault? She couldn’t stomach the possibility of being responsible for his unexpected departure. It can’t be.
“Thanks, Stefano. Hope you are doing okay, by the way. Could you give me the address of where he’s staying?” Eva said with a hopeful tone.
“You’re not really thinking about going to see him in Italy, are you?”
“Please. It’s important.”
Stefano sighed and unexpectedly started pronouncing a combination of Italian street names and numbers, which Eva wrote down carefully.
“Thanks, Stefano. You have no idea how much this means to me. Talk later,” she said as she hung up. Suddenly her decision had become more complicated than she expected, and she found herself wondering whether she should take the leap or not. After all, it was only 5,466 miles away, according to her research, so what could she have to lose?
Suddenly her phone rang unexpectedly, and Eva thought it was Stefano calling her back. Perhaps he had forgotten to mention something important about Leo’s location. As Eva looked over the phone, she was disappointed to see it was Cece calling. “Hey!” she answered, trying not to sound too disheartened.
“Hey, I texted you a little while ago. Are you coming?”
At that moment, Eva realized she had completely forgotten about lunch with her friend. “Oh my God, Cece, are you there already? What time is it? I must have lost track of time.”
“Yeah I’m here.”
“I’m so sorry, I won’t make it, but I will make it up to you, I promise!”
“I wanted to see you. It’s been a while, and I had some news,” Cece said, disappointed.
“You do? What happened? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I wanted to tell you in person, but I moved in with Alejandro last week!”
Wow. That was unexpected. “What? No way! How did that happen?” Eva said, astonished.
“I know. It’s crazy, but I’m happy. You don’t even understand. I’m on cloud nine! He is so sweet, and living together is a much easier arrangement for both of us.”
“Yes, I can imagine. I didn’t know you guys were so serious.”
“It’s been almost a year, woman! And it’s not like we are rushing into anything. It’s only a convenient arrangement that we are both enjoying. You know how much I wanted to stay away from my parent’s mess anyway, so this is perfect.”
How cute! She’s finally found love but won’t admit it for what it is. Definitely progress. “That’s great news, Cece. I’m so glad you guys get along so well. I’ve never seen you so giddy before.”
“I know. It’s amazing, isn’t it? I wish I could have told you in person. I hope you had a good excuse. You are still going to make it up to me, though,” said Cece.
“I will, don’t worry. And I did have a good excuse. I’m still digesting what I just learned.”
“Why? What happened?” Cece asked in a worried tone.
“I read the letter.”
“No, you didn’t! Seriously? Your dad’s letter? Like the one in your drawer?”
“Yes. That one.”
“And? Are you okay? What did it say?”
“He cheated, and that’s why he left. He regrets what he’s done and wants me to forgive him.” Not the mystery of the year.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry, Eva.” Cece stuttered. “I didn’t see that coming. I thought he had simply disappeared. But I never—”
“It’s okay,” Eva interrupted. “I’m fine, I promise. For some strange reason, I don’t completely hate him. I’m not even angry. I’m actually kind of grateful he sent that letter when he did. He made me realize so many things.”
“Well, I’m glad you feel that way. He is still your father, and I’m sure wherever he is, he still loves you.”
“Yeah, I know. For the first time ever, I know exactly what I have to do, and you know what? I’ve just realized how I’m going to make it up to you.”
“What? How?”
“Come over. I promise you are going to love the idea.” Eva said as she hung up the phone, feeling determined about her next move.
