by Gabriela Paz
A heavy tear suddenly dropped from Eva’s cheek onto the tabletop. She couldn’t keep herself together anymore. Cece wasn’t around to see her, and nobody around cared if she cried herself to death.
Eva covered her face and her eyes as her sobs were only interrupted by her need to breathe. Emotional pain flowed out of her every pore, and with every tear dropped, she felt herself fade further and further away. The world unexpectedly turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. Everything was simply gone. So many tears kept spilling down her face as she breathed heavier than ever before.
Maybe she had idealized their love story once again. And perhaps they were not meant for each other after all. Even if she had self-sabotaged their chance at happiness, she still wished to own up to her actions. Could he ever forgive me if he heard the truth? I’m such an idiot.
Her whole world was turning to pieces once again, and even though she still held on to her father’s letter for encouragement, she suddenly got the urge to tear it into little pieces just as her heart was. Eva chugged the rest of her wine, not caring whether she finished the whole bottle on her own, and sat there, trying to calm herself down.
The city was so beautiful, and it was a shame she wasn’t able to see with different eyes. Every single corner reminded him of Leo, and the melancholy of knowing he was once there made her feel impotent. She had never left the states before or seen a different ocean, so everything felt different to her. The air, the sky, the trees, the buildings, the food, and even the people were different.
It was strange how being in another part of the world could make her feel like an infant again. It was as if she was discovering every single beauty of nature or architectural creation for the first time. The way the different types of birds flew around with such rhythm and grace was mesmerizing, and the way the stars began to emerge slowly as the sun started to set was a work of art. She had never seen stars show up so clear and bright, and although she knew it wasn’t true, she felt as if she were closer to the sky in that part of the world somehow.
As she took another sip of wine, she thought about her mother and how much she would have liked the city. She never objected her trip. In fact, she seemed happy that Eva was so sure of her decision. There was nothing stopping her back home since she was no longer employed but worked for herself, so it was a no-brainer.
Eva hadn’t told her about the letter or about her father’s affair after all. It almost felt like a sin to break her mother’s heart like that, and she couldn’t do it. She would always wonder if she knew the truth but wouldn’t hold it against her for not telling her. After all, if her mother hadn’t told her, it was for the exact same reason Eva wasn’t telling her now, to protect her.
How much Eva wished she were here with her to hug her. Though she wasn’t alone, giving up Leo forever felt like the most alone she had ever been. Somehow clinging to the hope that when the time was right, she would be with the love of her life made her feel safe and hopeful. She was too late nevertheless, and now there was no longer hope but emptiness in her heart.
Eva suddenly realized she hadn’t checked her phone all day. She had called her mother in the morning, and since there was no one else she needed to speak to, she completely forgot about it. As she took it out from her bag and pressed the home button, she realized it was off.
Has it been off all day? She tried turning it back on a few times, but it was dead, which was the cherry on the top of her day. Excellent.
At that moment, frustration overwhelmed her, and as she looked around impatiently, she wondered, where on earth is Cece? She must have smoked three cigarettes by now. What the hell is she doing? As soon as Eva decided to get up from her seat to go get her, she saw him. It was either a dream or a vision, but she had no doubt in her mind that the man walking up to her was Leo. How can it be?
“Hi,” he waved timidly from a distance. It was as if he didn’t want to get too close and was suddenly frozen in place. She had no idea why he was there but looking at his face even from a distance felt like a relief. He wore light joggers and a casual short-sleeve V-neck. His hair was messy from the breeze, and his eyes illuminated the whole room.
“Leo!” she couldn’t help but smile. Every inch of her body wanted to run towards him and hug him tight, but all she could do was stare. She was shocked, “How did you find me?” she asked.
He slowly made a few steps closer to her and answered, “I’ve been looking for you. I’ve called you and texted you. Why would you leave me that upsetting note?” He asked, making direct eye contact with her. His eyes somehow looked reddish and glassy, but she couldn’t tell if it was because of the lights or because he was truly upset.
She had longed to hear the sound of his manly voice and his heavy accent. “I’m so sorry,” Eva stuttered. “My phone seems to be dead, and I didn’t know you were trying to find me. I just wanted to wish you good luck in your life. I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye, I guess,” she said, embarrassed.
“Why would you come all the way here to say goodbye?”
I didn’t. “I saw you…earlier today, with the blonde.”
Leo looked disconcerted. “What blonde? What are you talking about?”
“I came to your house, Leo. It’s okay, I get it. You’re with someone else now.”
Leo abruptly brought his hand to his head, appearing to be in shock. “Eva! I can’t believe this. How could you possibly think that? That girl you saw me with is not my girlfriend. She’s my cousin!”
Her heart stopped beating at that moment, and she felt as though she would pass out. How did I not think of that possibility? How could I have misjudged the situation so badly?
She didn’t know what to say next or how to explain, he hadn’t moved on then, and neither had she. “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. I thought you were happy with someone else already. The way I left things, I would have understood if you had moved on. I have so much explaining to do,” she sighed.
“What happened, Eva?” he said, taking a few steps closer towards her. “Please tell me.”
Eva took a deep breath and tried to speak, but the words weren’t coming out. No matter how much she tried to find a nice way of explaining what she did, it still sounded unforgivable in her head.
“Eva?” he interrupted her thoughts.
Suddenly, she realized she hadn’t spoken in several seconds and didn’t have more time to put her words together. “I guess there isn’t a nice way of putting it. I screwed up Leo. That’s basically what happened,” she stopped and stared away at the peaceful ocean to somehow gather the courage to continue. “I received a letter from my father, and I lost my mind. I felt my whole world crashing down in that moment. It was so painful to hear from him after so long. I didn’t tell my mother, and I was so overwhelmed. All I wanted was to hear from you and tell you about it, but days kept passing by, and you wouldn’t text me. I realize it’s not an excuse, but I was not myself,” she stopped and looked down at her shoes this time.
“What happened then?” he asked with a rather impatient tone.
“My ex showed up out of the blue to tell me he loved me and…I just…It was so confusing. I was sure I had strong feelings for you, but I still cared for him.”
“So you chose him?”
“No! I kissed him back, but I realized right away that you were the one. It was a stupid mistake, and I’m so ashamed, Leo. I don’t know what came over me,” she sobbed, looking at him in the eyes now. “I wish I could take it back every single day. You were always the one for me.” Please don’t hate me.
Leo’s expression completely changed after she finished the sentence. Somehow his eyebrows pointed inward, and his mouth looked as tight as a man’s fist. “Why? I don’t understand. You said it was over between you two. I asked you!” He raised his hands to his head. “You promised you would wait for me.”
“I know,” she cried. “I kn
ow,” she repeated, devastated and ashamed. “It was over… But I didn’t know he loved me, and it made things—”
“So I disappeared a couple of days, and that’s it? You ran back to him?”
“Leo, I didn’t love him, and I told him that! It only took me some time to figure things out because I felt bad about the situation. He knew I had met somebody else; I just made a mistake.”
He came towards her, stopped to look in her eyes, as if trying to decipher her. “How could you still care so much for a guy who doesn’t deserve it? And why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I wanted to tell you, but I just didn’t know how. So, I ran away. I was feeling so vulnerable with the whole thing with my father, and he was there—“
“Stop. Please, just stop. I can’t hear about this guy any longer. Suddenly she noticed him walk away, and her heart dropped. “Leo! Please. Listen to me,” she said, grabbing the back of his shoulder while still sobbing. “I’ve always felt so intimidated by you. You are not only perfect and mature, but the way you make me feel is beyond scary. I guess I’ve never felt like I deserved you.”
He abruptly turned around to face her, “Why, Eva? Why? I don’t understand. You knew how I felt about you. I made it so clear. Why would you want to ruin it?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know… I screwed up, okay?” she admitted as each tear fell down her cheek as heavy as the other. “I’m so flawed and broken. I’ve made silly mistakes, and I’ve always felt like an immature, silly girl next to you.”
“Eva, I’ve never seen you that way. Why would you think that? If anything, I fell in love with the brokenness and sweetness of your heart. I felt intrigued by who you are since the first moment I saw you.”
Eva suddenly realized the words he had spoken. If he loved her, then maybe, just maybe, he could forgive her. “I only wish we would’ve had more time,” she said, staring deeply into his eyes. “There was so much I wanted to know. So much I wanted to tell you. I know none of this is an excuse, Leo, but I haven’t stopped thinking about you for a second since the moment you left. I feel so awful about what happened, and I know it’s probably too late but,” she stopped and took a deep breath. “You should know that I never wanted to be apart from you. I never wanted to end things. I simply couldn’t find another way out of the mess I was in. You need to know that it’s all behind me. Being apart from you has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and it’s made me realize that I want you more than I could have ever imagined. I love you,” she said without holding anything back.
His face looked perplexed as she finished speaking, but he did not look away. “You hurt me, Eva. This isn’t entirely about the kiss but about the fact that you disappeared for four months instead of telling me the truth. I honestly don’t know if I can get over you hurting me again.”
“I know. I understand if you hate me. I truly do. I hate myself too, but I’m so sorry,” she said, grabbing the side of his face. He closed his eyes immediately to the feel of her touch, and she knew in that moment that she couldn't bear losing him this time.
“What did your father have to tell you in the letter?” he said, taking a deep breath and meeting her gaze again.
“The truth. I finally know why he left, and I realize now that it never mattered why he left. Just that he didn’t choose us.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, clearing a tear from her face. “I wish I could have been there for you.”
His words had suddenly become soothing, just as she remembered. His eyes looked into her soul once more, and suddenly she couldn’t contain herself any longer. She grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him deeply. Feeling his gentle lips again felt heavenly; though she could barely catch her breath from all the sobbing, she could still feel the tingle down her belly and her spine. She put her other arm around him to pull him closer until unexpectedly, he said,
“Stop. I can’t, Eva. I just can’t right now. I need time to think,” he blurted as he walked away.
“Leo!” she called out hysterically, bending forwards as her body made an offer to stand. She put both hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. She was worried about not being able to get enough air in her lungs as she made an effort to gasp for air. But the crying continued endlessly. Just breathe, Eva. You are okay. Everything will be okay. Just breathe.
Cece suddenly showed up out of nowhere, running towards her as she came to her rescue. But she didn’t want to be rescued. She deserved every single tear that was coming out of her eyes for being such a coward.
“Eva, are you alright? Talk to me, please!” Cece said, placing her hand on her back. But Eva couldn’t speak yet. She was still sobbing, and no matter how much she tried to stop, she simply couldn’t.
“Oh babe, come here,” Cece said, lifting her up and putting her arms around her. “You will be okay. You are stronger than you think.”
Cece’s words juggled in her mind for quite a few seconds until she finally caught a break from crying. “I’ve ruined it,” she stuttered as she hugged Cece back.
“Babe, if he loves you, he will come around. Just give him some time.”
“I don’t have any time. I will lose him if I go back home. I just know it,” she shouted as she pulled away. “I can’t lose him, Cece, I can’t. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me and I know I’m supposed to be with him.”
“Well, I’m sure he isn’t too far yet as he came here walking.”
Eva looked at her friend and then at the ocean until she finally faced the exit. As her heart raced rapidly, she took her coat off and threw it in her friend’s arms. Without thinking about it twice, she ran off.
Every stride she took felt heavy and difficult. Almost as if all of her runs on the beach hadn’t paid off in the slightest. Perhaps it was the guilt she carried or the overwhelming feeling of loss she felt. She couldn’t be sure. As she reached the street, she looked right, left, and then up towards the sky. It was so dark she could barely make out her own figure. This was it; a turn in the wrong direction could mean losing him forever. But if it was meant to be, then perhaps the stars could be her guide. Where to go?
There was no time to waste, so as she finally looked back onto the street, she made a choice and ran as fast as she could towards the uphill path ahead. She hadn’t exactly taken the easy route, as she had no doubt that the great things in life came from overcoming the roughest of obstacles. If her path hadn’t brought her here to be with the love of her life, perhaps it had brought her here to understand that she had already had to overcome so much, and she was still standing. Maybe it’s true what Cece said, and I am stronger than I once believed.
Perhaps it wasn’t what she wanted to learn, but as she found herself running up that hill, she suddenly started to feel strong. As if some kind of force had given her an overwhelming strength she didn’t understand. Every stride was now lighter and faster, and as she picked up her pace, her whole life flashed through her eyes in a matter of seconds.
It was true; she had always been this fragile girl that couldn’t bear to be hurt. Life from her perspective had always felt so painful and scary. Somehow as the flashes kept appearing in her mind, she could see herself, through a different standpoint— A much more positive and luminous one.
Suddenly her body came to a full stop. Her heart was racing as fast as it could when she placed the back of a tall, athletic guy throwing rocks as he sauntered in the cemented street. Perhaps the universe had been conspiring for them to be together after all. She picked up her pace to reach him quickly until she could finally be sure that it was he. “Leo,” she said softly without wanting to spook him. The streets were lonely and quiet. She could even hear the crickets chirping and the frogs ribbit.
“Eva, what are you doing here? You shouldn’t have walked here alone.”
“But I had to. I couldn’t let you go… the truth is, I’ve been hiding my feelings for
you for a long time, and now that I’ve let them free, I just can’t be without you, Leo.”
“Eva,” he said in a lamenting tone. Does he not love me? “You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt of having you here, saying these words to me. I’ve tried to get you out of my head all this time, but I’ve failed,” he admitted. “Since the moment I met you, my whole life has revolved around seeing you again and spending time with you. Even when I didn’t mean to, I… couldn’t control the way my heart felt but—”
“Please don’t say it. I’m here, and I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I will move here with you for all I care. I just… I want to be with you.”
“Oh Eva,” he sighed and then smiled. “I really didn’t expect this to be the reason why you left me.” He walked closer to her and tucked her hair behind her ear. “But,” he stopped and looked in her eyes with a warmth she didn’t expect. “You are here now, and I can’t lie to myself any longer. There’s just no doubt in my mind that I love you too,” he said as he held her face with both of his hands and suddenly kissed her shaking lips.
It was soft, wet, and loving. His hand rested below her ear, his thumb stroking her checks as their breaths merged together to create a magical connection. Eva opened her eyes to try to wake herself up from a perfect dream, but the realness of the moment overwhelmed her soul. Perhaps that is why they say love is like magic, she thought. A gift from the universe, a sweet addition to the man she was born to find.
This was the most romantic moment Eva had ever lived or dreamt of living, and she wanted to freeze it and relish it forever. “You’ve become my life, my pain, and my relief. I don’t ever want to be without you,” she whispered softly as she held him close and kissed him again.
Epilogue
Dear Dad,
I’ve been meaning to write you back, and I am sorry it has taken me so long to get my thoughts in order. I never expected to hear from you, and as you would imagine, it was quite shocking to hear the truth. I really have to say that I truly admire my mother’s will and kindness to have known what you did this whole time and not put you out to be the worst father in the world. It wasn’t my plan to talk about this with her, but as she caught me writing this letter to you, well, we both had to come clean.
