You Never Know

by Mary Calmes

  “I was making scenery for the middle school and rigging it to pulleys.”

  There was a moment of silence. “You never say what I think you will.”

  “That’s good, right? Keeps you on your toes?”

  “It keeps me riveted, which is, I think, your intent.”

  My derisive grunt was loud.

  “Do me a favor,” he sighed.

  “What?”

  “Let me hear all the exciting news that’s gone on in your life over the past two weeks over a nice long leisurely lunch.”

  “Nope.”

  “And why not?” He sounded defensive.

  “I already had lunch.”

  “Then how about dinner.”

  “Why are you so hot to feed me, alluva sudden? That’s not really our thing.”

  “Oh? And what precisely is our thing?”

  “Fucking.”

  He inhaled sharply, I heard it plain as day. “I’ve decided to change that.”

  “Why?” I heard the whine in my voice. What in the world would prompt him to want to change the mutually satisfying no-strings-attached thing we had going?

  “Well, because our little cooling-off period has clued me in to the fact that I’m really quite enamored of you.”

  “Is that right.”

  “Yes.”

  “And you just figured that out over the last two weeks.”

  “Actually, I’ve known it for quite some time but was loath to admit it.”

  “How come?”

  “Because confessing anything even remotely personal or private to you takes a stout heart, and sometimes I’m simply not up for the teasing or the nonchalance or the rationalizing.”

  “What’re you talking about?” I asked, annoyed because that was true where he was concerned. I owed him for my epiphany about being ready to consider a relationship, but that didn’t mean I wanted one with him. He wasn’t serious, not about me, so I was flippant when I normally would not have been. Not that I had lots of relationships to compare things to. The whole of my love life beyond the few nameless guys I’d screwed over the years boiled down to Mitch Thayer and now, Ash Lennox. I really needed to start widening my dating pool.

  “What am I talking about?” Ash said irritably. “According to you, any feelings you have are real and absolute. Any that I might have are fickle or fleeting.”

  I did do that, he was right. But it wasn’t that I didn’t think Ash capable of loving someone or having feelings for them. I just didn’t think Ash capable of loving or having feelings for me. We’d started out one way, casually, and I knew he played the field, and I absolutely knew I was one of many, but who cared? It wasn’t a morality judgment I was making, just a purely practical one. He was not ready to be monogamous. I was. We were just in different places in our lives, and because I was and he wasn’t meant that anything he said to me to try and convince me otherwise was total and complete crap.

  I cleared my throat. “So you’re saying what?”

  “I’m saying that my feelings have changed.”

  “Really,” I said flatly, wondering why the façade was necessary. Why did our informal arrangement have to change? Why did he need it to?

  “Yes, really. Why do you sound so disbelieving?”

  “Oh, I dunno, possibly because up to this point we’ve only been fucking.”

  “We’ve been on a few dates too,” he corrected me.

  “Yeah, but c’mon, mostly fucking,” I insisted, wanting him to not make more of what we were doing than there was.

  “Would you please refrain from using that word,” he implored. “Because it doesn’t do what’s been happening in my bed justice.”

  “No?”

  “No. Not at all. I’ve had long-term boyfriends who didn’t show me the same care that you do.”

  I didn’t know about his old lovers. What I did know was that together in bed, we were good. Ash was so responsive and I marveled at his submission as well as his enthusiasm. He was demonstrative and demanding, and I wanted him and enjoyed being wanted in return.

  “Okay, so you want us to do what now?”

  “Date.”

  “Date how?”

  “As in go on traditional dates, you caveman. What’s so hard to understand?”

  “You mean like going to restaurants and crap like that?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” I groaned.

  “Because we should.”

  “No.”

  “Oh, but we must.”

  “Why must we?” I questioned, because what was the purpose? Why was he trying to make us into something that we were so clearly not?

  “Because I don’t just want to be your friend with benefits. I want more of a hold on you than that.”

  “Don’t you date the other guys?” I asked, putting him on speaker so I could move around my bedroom.

  “I don’t. I just have sex.”

  “Explain the difference to me.”

  “I screw strangers, I only sleep with you.”

  “Huh.”

  “What?”

  “Well, it sounds like I’m getting the short end of the stick here. I mean, they all get action, and I get, what, spooning?”

  Ash growled, and really, it was an achievement. Buttoned-up, buttoned-down, perfectly manscaped, always photo-ready millionaire actor on the verge of being a household name, and newly minted bed-and-breakfast/inn owner Ashford Lennox had resorted to snarling at me.

  “I thought actors were always ready with a barbed comeback line.”

  “That’s comedians. You have us confused.”

  I grunted.

  “I’m just telling you that this—us—is already more serious than most of my encounters.”

  Clearly, we had very different ideas about what constituted “serious.” What I thought was just a fly-by-night thing, something convenient, now meant more to him than it did to me. “You make it sound like something on Shark Week.”

  Heavy sigh from him as I pulled on briefs and an old pair of faded Levis.

  “Listen,” he began, “I’m not suggesting that we get married, just be more than what we are now.”

  “Which is?”

  “Hagen, you—”

  “When you’re here, you only fuck me, but when you’re out of town, you fuck whoever you want?”

  “I—”

  “That arrangement’s been working fine. You don’t live here, after all, and once the B and B is renovated, you’ll be heading back to Los Angeles.”

  Silence.

  “So yeah, let’s keep fooling around while you’re here on vacation.”

  “I might not.”

  “You might not what?”

  “Go back to LA,” Ash explained. “I’ve found myself enjoying the pace here.”

  I snorted out a laugh.

  “What?”

  “The hell you say.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “Even the pace in Portland is too slow for you. Benson will make you catatonic.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Oh, c’mon. You expect me to buy this shit? Dyed-in-the-wool city boy likes the slow pace of a small town in the Pacific Northwest? This is your story?”

  “I—”

  I laughed at him and it felt good. “Gimme a fuckin’ break.”

  “You’re very annoying.”

  “Now that I believe,” I said, moving to an out-and-out cackle.

  “Hagen—”

  “You wanna have dinner?” I asked to divert him.

  “No. I want to have lunch now and dinner later.”

  “Well, I’m offering dinner since I already had lunch.”

  “Me, too, as it turns out,” he said brightly.

  “What?” The man was making no sense.

  “I don’t—you’ve got me all twisted up.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I just thought, if you hadn’t eaten, I would keep you company, maybe have a drink or snack or something while I sat there and looke
d at you.”

  “Looked at me?”

  “While you ate,” he amended. “Yes.”

  “But you’d just be hanging out.”

  “Yes.”

  “Because you already actually ate.”

  “Right.”

  “Huh.” He just wanted to sit and look at my face. That was a really nice thing to say, but also weird. He was not the type to just want to spend time with me. He was acting different and it was freaking me out a little.

  “Don’t judge me. Just let me come get you.”

  “Did you hear the part about me having to work?”

  “I know you,” he said softly, coaxing. “You could work, you always could, but you don’t have to. It’s Saturday, you know.”

  “I do have to, as it turns out. I have a renovation to look in on, and I have to check the stairs on the Goodwin build.”

  “Fine,” he said, sounding exasperated. “I’ll go with you. Just pack a bag and I’ll come pick you up and take you to lunch.”

  “Are you even listening to me?” I asked, fairly certain he wasn’t.

  “Crap. I meant dinner. I’ll pick you up, and when you’re done, we can have dinner.”

  It sounded nice, like something you would do with a boyfriend, not a booty call, and with the way he was acting so abruptly, I wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea.

  “Well?”

  “Dinner sounds good, I dunno about the rest.” It reminded me of Mitch’s first job being a caddy at the country club and me making sure I was there for every one of his breaks. It sounded like he wanted to spend all his time with me. Flattering, but unnecessary and unwanted. I didn’t want a happily-ever-after with Ashford Lennox because I already knew I couldn’t be serious about a guy who couldn’t be serious about me. But more than that, I didn’t trust him, and to be with me for more than an occasional night, that was a requirement.

  “Just say yes,” he said gruffly. “Pack a bag and you can stay with me tonight, and tomorrow we can drive up the coast and spend the day doing nothing. I promise to drop you off at your office first thing Monday morning.”

  As plans went, it wasn’t half-bad. Sex would definitely be on the table, but I wasn’t sure if sleeping over was the best choice.

  “Please,” he said, his voice gentle, caressing. “Just come with me. I missed you.”

  “Why?”

  “Why did I miss you?”

  “Yeah.”

  He was quiet a moment.

  “See that? You can’t even—”

  “It’s very comfortable being around you. I find myself at ease.”

  It was an insanely good compliment, and not one I would have thought I’d get from such a smooth operator. I deflected to lighten the mood. “I sound really boring.”

  “You sound like a safe place for me, and how can that possibly be bad?”

  “Oh?” I croaked. I hadn’t expected that. He was not saying the same things he had up to now, and I found myself concerned for him. I had never pictured myself being able to hurt him before.

  “Please,” he said seriously, which wasn’t like him. “Let me come get you.”

  He never asked more than once, his pride was normally right there at the surface. Tender feelings were not something he had ever shared with me in the past.

  “What’s with the change?”

  “There’s no change, I’m the same. I always want to spend time with you. You simply don’t normally let me.”

  “We’re both busy,” I offered, pulling a plain white T-shirt over my head.

  “Yes, and then I usually have to go, and then last time we fought before I departed.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “And what was that about? Do you even recall?”

  “Yeah,” I said, chuckling. “You were pissed because I didn’t get myself all in a twist about Stone Riley.”

  “Oh,” he muttered.

  “I still don’t get why.”

  “Because our deal was that while I was here, we were exclusive!” he exploded.

  “Yeah, but your buddy was at your place and I didn’t wanna interrupt,” I explained.

  I’d stopped my truck in his driveway when I looked up and saw him on his deck overlooking the ocean. There beside him was Stone, the guy who’d been in his bed when I came over that Friday half a year ago. I leaned forward, waved, and then made a U-turn and drove away. He already had company, and three might not have been a crowd for him—he’d told me about having many people in his bed at once—but I was still working on making one-on-one connections and wasn’t up to competing for his attention.

  “As I said before, he is not my friend.”

  “Sorry, I should’ve said fuck buddy, not friend. My apologies.”

  “Don’t sound so snide, and he’s not a fuck buddy, either! He’s the realtor’s assistant, which is why he had the key.”

  “C’mon, we both know you screwed him. Why’s it gotta be a whole thing?”

  “But that was before we made our arrangement! I haven’t slept with anyone here in Benson since we agreed it would only be you.”

  “So before we had papers all drawn up, that was when you fucked him.”

  “You’re being glib and I hate it.”

  I scoffed.

  “I would never—”

  “Think now,” I said gently. “That first time I found him in your bed—”

  “I didn’t fuck him! He was just there!”

  It was either true or it wasn’t, but simply the shock of finding someone in his bed had reminded me of what I’d known from the start, that Ash Lennox was not the guy for me. Sometimes when things were comfortable or convenient, your brain played tricks on you and made you think something was more stable than it was. That you could count on it. Like when you stayed at a hotel for more than a week and started thinking of it like home. It wasn’t, but your brain got used to seeing it, like a bad habit. The jolt of seeing Stone where I’d been was like being splashed with a bucket of cold water, a bracing reality check I had sorely needed.

  “Hagen!”

  Christ, my mind was drifting and he was getting worked up. “Why does this matter?”

  “Because you made the decision not to see me and not take my calls because you thought I was sleeping with Stone!”

  “Which you weren’t,” I clarified, patronizing him.

  “Hagen!”

  I laughed. “Knock it off. I’m just kidding. Let it go already.”

  “I should be saying that to you. You’re the one who jumped to conclusions.”

  “Well, yeah, because the guy that was in your bed was at your house again.”

  “Dropping off paperwork for me to sign, and for no other reason.”

  I sighed deeply.

  “And that night you found him in my bed, I had no idea he was even there.”

  As he’d said a million times.

  “It was a one-time only thing that has never been repeated.”

  He’d said that too.

  “Hagen.”

  “And he had a key because….”

  “Again, he’s the realtor’s assistant, that’s why he had it, not because I gave him one.”

  “I—”

  “It’s beyond annoying that you don’t believe me,” he snapped.

  Whether I did or didn’t—and honestly, I didn’t—but really, I had no idea why it mattered. We weren’t together. He could screw people in Benson if he wanted, I just wanted a heads-up about what to expect.

  “And I still can’t believe that you left that night without letting me explain!”

  “What purpose would that have served?”

  “You didn’t even give me the courtesy of yelling at me.”

  I wanted to say why, but instead “I had no right,” popped out.

  “You had every right!”

  “Ash—”

  “I didn’t even know you were there until I found your key the next morning!”

  “Why’re you yelling?”

 
“Because I would have been livid! I would have lost it, probably hit you—definitely hit whoever you were with—and created a scene that you’d never live down.”

  I understood, I did. He’d slipped up on our agreement and he was pissed at getting caught. I got that. But I’d let it go, not even needing to really forgive him because we weren’t that involved. I’d been disappointed, yes, because I thought we had an understanding, but it wasn’t the same as a vow of monogamy. When Mitch had hurt me, I’d been devastated because he had made me promises. Ash had not. We were fine, and I wanted to convey that, but I wasn’t sure how to do it without sounding trite.

  “Why are you still upset about this?” I asked softly, gently.

  “Because we said we’d be faithful within the confines of our agreement!”

  I smiled as I hunted for socks in the second drawer of my armoire. “We did, yes.”

  “And I didn’t fuck him that night when you saw us. It was only the one time back before I knew you.”

  “I don’t know why we’re going over this again.”

  “I haven’t had sex with anyone but you while I’m here.”

  “So you’ve said.”

  “How are you so calm?”

  “I—”

  “It’s because you don’t care!” he yelled, answering his own posed question.

  “I care,” I assured him. I had, in fact, been hurt, but not for the reasons he thought. I was pained because I thought we’d had an understanding that was mutually beneficial. To find out that I was playing by the rules while he wasn’t made me feel ridiculously naïve. So when I’d seen Stone again two weeks ago, it was easier to just go home.

  “You don’t care like I want you to!”

  That only made sense if his feelings had changed and become far more tender in regards to me. I wasn’t sure I was buying it. “Do you plan to keep yelling?”

  “Yes!”

  “Good to know.”

  “Hagen!”

  “What? I have no right to care,” I reminded him. “We have no strings.”

  “I want some!”

  I turned to look at the phone sitting there on the bed beside me but said nothing. He was quiet too.

  After a few long minutes, he coughed as I sat there, staring. “Hagen?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I promise you I had no idea that Maggie Rush’s assistant, Stone Riley, was going to A, surprise me with a visit, and B, have the balls to get in my bed, naked.”

  “I know. You said that already. Before. When we did this the first time.”