The Diary of a Provincial Lady

by E M Delafield

  I do so forthwith.

  July 26th. – Observe in the glass that I look ten years younger than on arrival here, and am gratified. This, moreover, in spite of what I cannot help viewing as perilous adventure recently experienced in (temporarily) choppy sea, agitated by vent d’est, in which no one but Rose’s Viscountess attempts to swim. She indicates immense and distant rock, and announces her intention of swimming to it. I say that I will go too. Long before we are half-way there, I know that I shall never reach it, and hope that Robert’s second wife will be kind to the children. Viscountess, swimming calmly, says, Am I all right? I reply, Oh quite, and am immediately submerged.

  (Query: Is this a Judgement?)

  Continue to swim. Rock moves further and further away. I reflect that there will be something distinguished about the headlines announcing my demise in such exalted company, and mentally frame one or two that I think would look well in local paper. Am just turning my attention to paragraph in our Parish Magazine when I hit a small rock, and am immediately submerged again. Mysteriously rise again from the foam – though not in the least, as I know too well, like Venus.

  Death by drowning said to be preceded by mental panorama of entire past life. Distressing reflection which very nearly causes me to sink again. Even one recollection from my past, if injudiciously selected, disconcerts me in the extreme, and cannot at all contemplate entire series. Suddenly perceive that space between myself and rock has actually diminished. Viscountess – who has kept near me and worn slightly anxious expression throughout – achieves it safely, and presently find myself grasping at sharp projections with tips of my fingers and bleeding profusely at the knees. Perceive that I have been, as they say, Spared.

  (Mem.: Must try and discover for what purpose, if any.)

  Am determined to take this colossal achievement as a matter of course, and merely make literary reference to Byron swimming the Hellespont – which would sound better if said in less of a hurry, and when not obliged to gasp, and spit out several gallons of water.

  Minor, but nerve-racking, little problem here suggests itself: What substitute for a pocket-handkerchief exists when sea-bathing? Can conceive of no occasion – except possibly funeral of nearest and dearest – when this homely little article more frequently and urgently required. Answer, when it comes, anything but satisfactory.

  I say that I am cold – which is true – and shall go back across the rocks. Viscountess, with remarkable tact, does not attempt to dissuade me, and I go.

  July 27th. – End of holiday quite definitely in sight, and everyone very kindly says, Why not stay on? I refer, in return, to Robert and the children – and add, though not aloud, the servants, the laundry, the Women’s Institute, repainting the outside of bath, and the state of my overdraft. Everyone expresses civil regret at my departure, and I go so far as to declare recklessly that I shall be coming back next year – which I well know to be unlikely in the extreme.

  Spend last evening sending picture-postcards to everyone to whom I have been intending to send them ever since I started.

  July 29th, London. – Return journey accomplished under greatly improved conditions, travelling first-class in company with one of Rose’s most distinguished friends. (Should much like to run across Lady B. by chance in Paris or elsewhere, but no such gratifying coincidence supervenes. Shall take care, however, to let her know circles in which I have been moving.)

  Crossing as tempestuous as ever, and again have recourse to ‘An Austrian Army’ with same lack of success as before. Boat late, train even more so, last available train for west of England has left Paddington long before I reach Victoria, and am obliged to stay night in London. Put through long-distance call to tell Robert this, but line is, as usual, in a bad way, and all I can hear is ‘What?’ As Robert, on his side, can apparently hear even less, we do not get far. I find that I have no money, in spite of having borrowed from Rose – expenditure, as invariably happens, has exceeded estimate – but confide all to Secretary of my club, who agrees to trust me, but adds, rather disconcertingly – ‘as it’s for one night only’.

  July 30th. – Readjustment sometimes rather difficult, after absence of unusual length and character.

  July 31st. – The beginning of the holidays signalled, as usual, by the making of appointments with dentist and doctor. Photographs taken at Ste Agathe arrive, and I am – perhaps naturally – much more interested in them than anybody else appears to be. (Bathing dress shows up as being even more becoming than I thought it was, though hair, on the other hand, not at its best – probably owing to salt water.) Notice, regretfully, how much more time I spend in studying views of myself, than on admirable group of delightful friends, or even beauties of Nature, as exemplified in camera studies of sea and sky.

  Presents for Vicky, Mademoiselle, and Our Vicar’s Wife all meet with acclamation, and am gratified. Blue flowered chintz frock, however, bought at Ste Agathe for sixty-three francs, no longer becoming to me, as sunburn fades and original sallowness returns to view. Even Mademoiselle, usually so sympathetic in regard to clothes, eyes chintz frock doubtfully, and says Tiens! On dirait un bal masqué. As she knows, and I know, that the neighbourhood never has, and never will, run to bals masqués, this equals unqualified condemnation of blue chintz, and I remove it in silence to furthest corner of the wardrobe.

  Helen Wills, says Cook, about to produce more kittens. Cannot say if Robert does, or does not, know this.

  Spend much time in writing to, and hearing from, unknown mothers whose sons have been invited here by Robin, and one grandmother, with whose descendant Robin is to spend a week. Curious impossibility of combining dates and trains convenient to us all, renders this whole question harassing in the extreme. Grandmother, especially, sends unlimited letters and telegrams, to all of which I feel bound to reply – mostly with civil assurances of gratitude for her kindness in having Robin to stay. Very, very difficult to think of new ways of wording this – moreover, must reserve something for letter I shall have to write when visit is safely over.

  August 1st. – Return of Robin, who has grown, and looks pale. He has also purchased large bottle of brilliantine, and applied it to his hair, which smells like inferior chemist’s shop. Do not like to be unsympathetic about this, so merely remain silent while Vicky exclaims rapturously that it is lovely – which is also Robin’s own opinion. They get excited and scream, and I suggest the garden. Robin says that he is hungry, having had no lunch. Practically – he adds conscientiously. ‘Practically’ turns out to be packet of sandwiches, two bottles of atrocious liquid called Cherry Ciderette, slab of milk chocolate, two bananas purchased on journey, and small sample tin of cheese biscuits, swopped by boy called Sherlock for Robin’s last year’s copy of Pop’s Annual.

  Customary rather touching display of affection between Robin and Vicky much to the fore, and am sorry to feel that repeated experience of holidays has taught me not to count for one moment upon its lasting more than twenty-four hours – if that.

  (Query: Does motherhood lead to cynicism? This contrary to every convention of art, literature, or morality, but cannot altogether escape conviction that answer may be in the affirmative.)

  In spite of this, however, cannot remain quite unmoved on hearing Vicky inform Cook that when she marries, her husband will be exactly like Robin. Cook replies indulgently, That’s right, but come out of that sauce-boat, there’s a good girl, and what about Master Robin’s wife? To which Robin rejoins, he doesn’t suppose he’ll be able to get a wife exactly like Vicky, as she’s so good, there couldn’t be another one.

  August 2nd. – Noteworthy what astonishing difference made in entire household by presence of one additional child. Robert finds one marble – which he unfortunately steps upon – mysterious little empty box with hole in bottom, and half of torn sponge on the stairs, and says, This house in a perfect Shambles – which I think excessive. Mademoiselle refers to sounds emitted by Robin, Vicky, the dog, and Helen Wills – all, apparently, gone
mad together in the hayloft – as tohu-bohu. Very expressive word.

  Meal-times, especially lunch, very, very far from peaceful. From time to time remember, with pained astonishment, theories subscribed to in pre-motherhood days, as to inadvisability of continually saying Don’t, incessant fault-finding, and so on. Should now be sorry indeed to count number of times that I find myself forced to administer these and similar checks to the dear children. Am often reminded of enthusiastic accounts given me by Angela of other families, and admirable discipline obtaining there without effort on either side. Should like – or far more probably should not like – to hear what dear Angela says about our house, when visiting mutual friends or relations.

  Rose writes cheerfully, still in South of France – sky still blue, rocks red, and bathing as perfect as ever. Experience curious illusion of receiving communication from another world, visited many aeons ago, and dimly remembered. Weather abominable, and customary difficulty experienced of finding indoor occupation for children that shall be varied, engrossing, and reasonably quiet. Cannot imagine what will happen if these conditions still prevail when visiting school-fellow – Henry by name – arrives. I ask Robin what his friend’s tastes are, and he says, Oh, anything. I enquire if he likes cricket, and Robin replies, Yes, he expects so. Does he care for reading? Robin says that he does not know. I give it up, and write to Army and Navy Stores for large tin of Picnic Biscuits.

  Messrs R. Sydenham, and two unknown firms from places in Holland, send me little books relating to indoor bulbs. R. Sydenham particularly optimistic, and, though admitting that failures have been known, pointing out that all, without exception, have been owing to neglect of directions on page twenty-two. Immerse myself in page twenty-two, and see that there is nothing for it but to get R. Sydenham’s Special Mixture for growing R. Sydenham’s Special Bulbs.

  Mention this to Robert, who does not encourage scheme in any way, and refers to last November. Cannot at the moment think of really good answer, but shall probably do so in church on Sunday, or in other surroundings equally inappropriate for delivering it.

  August 3rd. – Difference of opinion arises between Robin and his father as to the nature and venue of former’s evening meal, Robin making sweeping assertions to the effect that All Boys of his Age have Proper Late Dinner downstairs, and Robert replying curtly More Fools their Parents, which I privately think unsuitable language for use before children. Final and unsatisfactory compromise results in Robin’s coming nightly to the dining-room and partaking of soup, followed by interval, and ending with dessert, during the whole of which Robert maintains disapproving silence and I talk to both at once on entirely different subjects.

  (Life of a wife and mother sometimes very wearing.)

  Moreover, Vicky offended at not being included in what she evidently looks upon as nightly banquet of Lucullan magnificence, and covertly supported in this rebellious attitude by Mademoiselle. Am quite struck by extraordinary persistence with which Vicky, day after day, enquires Why she can’t stay up to dinner too? and equally phenomenal number of times that I reply with unvarying formula that Six years old is too young, darling.

  Weather cold and disagreeable, and I complain. Robert asserts that it is really quite warm, only I don’t take enough exercise. Have often noticed curious and prevalent masculine delusion, to the effect that sympathy should never, on any account, be offered when minor ills of life are in question.

  Days punctuated by recurrent question as to whether grass is, or is not, too wet to be sat upon by children, and whether they shall, or shall not, wear their woollen pullovers. To all enquiries as to whether they are cold, they invariably reply, with aggrieved expressions, that they are Boiling. Should like scientific or psychological explanation of this singular state of affairs, and mentally reserve the question for bringing forward on next occasion of finding myself in intellectual society. This, however, seems at the moment remote in the extreme.

  Cook says that unless help is provided in the kitchen they cannot possibly manage all the work. I think this unreasonable, and quite unnecessary expense. Am also aware that there is no help to be obtained at this time of the year. Am disgusted at hearing myself reply in hypocritically pleasant tone of voice that, Very well, I will see what can be done. Servants, in truth, make cowards of us all.

  August 7th. – Local Flower Show takes place. We walk about in Burberrys, on wet grass, and say that it might have been much worse, and look at the day they had last week at West Warmington! Am forcibly reminded of what I have heard of Ruth Draper’s admirable sketch of country Bazaar, but try hard not to think about this. Our Vicar’s Wife takes me to look at the schoolchildren’s needlework, laid out in tent amidst onions, begonias, and other vegetable products. Just as I am admiring pink cotton camisole embroidered with mauve pansies, strange boy approaches me and says, If I please, the little girl isn’t very well, and can’t be got out of the swing-boat, and will I come, please. I go, Our Vicar’s Wife following, and saying – absurdly – that it must be the heat, and those swing-boats have always seemed to her very dangerous ever since there was a fearful accident at her old home, when the whole thing broke down, and seven people were killed and a good many of the spectators injured. A relief, after this, to find Vicky merely green in the face, still clinging obstinately to the ropes and disregarding two men below saying Come along out of it, missie, and Now then, my dear, and Mademoiselle in terrific state of agitation, clasping her hands and pacing backwards and forwards, uttering many Gallic ejaculations and adjurations to the saints. Robin has removed himself to furthest corner of the ground, and is feigning interest in immense carthorse tied up in red ribbons.

  (NB Dear Robin perhaps not so utterly unlike his father as one is sometimes tempted to suppose.)

  I tell Vicky, very, very shortly, that unless she descends instantly, she will go to bed early every night for a week. Unfortunately, tremendous outburst of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ from brass band compels me to say this in undignified bellow, and to repeat it three times before it has any effect, by which time quite large crowd has gathered round. General outburst of applause when at last swing-boat is brought to a standstill, and Vicky – mottled to the last degree – is lifted out by man in check coat and tweed cap, who says Here we are, Amy Johnson! to fresh applause.

  Vicky removed by Mademoiselle, not a moment too soon. Our Vicar’s Wife says that children are all alike, and it may be a touch of ptomaine poisoning, one never knows, and why not come and help her judge decorated perambulators?

  Meet several acquaintances and newly-arrived Miss Pankerton, who has bought small house in village, and on whom I have not yet called. She wears pince-nez and is said to have been at Oxford. All I can get out of her is that the whole thing reminds her of Dostoeffsky.

  Feel that I neither know nor care what she means. Am convinced, however, that I have not heard the last of either Miss P. or Dostoeffsky, as she assures me that she is the most unconventional person in the whole world, and never stands on ceremony. If she meets an affinity, she adds, she knows it directly, and then nothing can stop her. She just follows the impulse of the moment and may as like as not stroll in for breakfast, or be strolled in upon for after-dinner coffee. Am quite unable to contemplate Robert’s reaction to Miss P. and Dostoeffsky at breakfast, and bring the conversation to an end as quickly as possible.

  Find Robert, Our Vicar, and neighbouring squire, looking at horses. Our Vicar and neighbouring squire talk about the weather, but do not say anything new. Robert says nothing.

  Get home towards eight o’clock, strangely exhausted, and am discouraged at meeting both maids just on their way to the Flower-Show Dance. Cook says encouragingly that the potatoes are in the oven, and everything else on the table, and she only hopes Pussy hasn’t found her way in, on account of the butter. Eventually do the washing-up, while Mademoiselle puts children to bed, and I afterwards go up and read Tanglewood Tales aloud.

  (Query, mainly rhetorical: Why are non-profession
al women, if married and with children, so frequently referred to as ‘leisured’? Answer comes there none.)

  August 8th. – Frightful afternoon, entirely filled by call from Miss Pankerton, wearing hand-woven blue jumper, wider in front than at the back, very short skirt, and wholly incredible small black beret. She smokes cigarettes in immense holder and sits astride the arm of the sofa.

  (NB Arm of the sofa not at all calculated to bear any such strain, and creaks several times most alarmingly. Must remember to see if anything can be done about it, and in any case manoeuvre Miss P. into sitting elsewhere on subsequent visits, if any.)

  Conversation very, very literary and academic, my own part in it being mostly confined to saying that I haven’t yet read it, and, It’s down on my library list, but hasn’t come, so far. After what feels like some hours of this, Miss P. becomes personal, and says that I strike her as being a woman whose life has never known fulfilment. Have often thought exactly the same thing myself, but this does not prevent my feeling entirely furious with Miss P. for saying so. She either does not perceive, or is indifferent to, my fury, as she goes on to ask accusingly whether I realise that I have no right to let myself become a domestic beast of burden, with no interests beyond the nursery and the kitchen. What, for instance, she demands rousingly, have I read within the last two years? To this I reply weakly that I have read Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, which is the only thing I seem able to remember, when Robert and the tea enter simultaneously. Curious and difficult interlude follows, in the course of which Miss P. talks about the NUEC – (Cannot imagine what this is, but pretend to know all about it) – and the situation in India, and Robert either says nothing at all, or contradicts her very briefly and forcibly. Miss P. finally departs, saying that she is determined to scrape all the barnacles off me before she has done with me, and that I shall soon be seeing her again.