Volume 5 - The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

by Tanigawa Nagaru

  Volume 5

  The Rampage of Suzumiya Haruhi

  Prologue — Summer

  These are the events that occurred before the filming of that regrettable film, during my senior high school’s summer vacation.

  It wasn’t until a few days after returning from the detective comedy-of-errors staged on that lone island (the “SOS-Brigade Summer Co-ed Trip”) that I experienced a taste of the joy of summer vacation.

  This so-called co-ed activity was in reality just a forced kidnapping. Originally, I thought that since summer vacation was still young, I should not be getting any flak for sleeping till past noon on the first few days, yet that impatient and heartless president decided to depart on day 1 of the summer vacation, which ripped apart my seamless plan. Thanks to this woman, by the time my body adjusted to “Summer Mode” as it had in past years, there were only a few days left in July.

  It need not be mentioned that I had no will to level the mound of summer vacation homework that I carried back from school. It shouldn’t be too late to do it in August, so I simply squandered away the month of July. Who knew that come August, I would accompany my energetic, spunky little sister on a rural visit meeting cousins that we hadn’t seen in ages, and head to the mountain, or river stream, or the plains, and spend two whole weeks playing? We played till we dropped. I will only admit to it if somebody says that I had it coming.

  Naturally, regarding the summer homework that I didn’t want to start on, I behaved similar to how birds that learn to avoid poisonous insects would: by not even touching it. As a result, not even one question was answered while the calendar was littered with records of my endeavors. Without noticing, half of August had passed…

  “That” seemed to…

  …Have become active in the dark.

  Endless Eight

  It felt rather odd.

  I had a bizarre feeling several days after the conclusion of the O-bon Festival.

  At the time, I was sitting in my own living room, tuning in and out of the middle school baseball games, which I had little interest in. It was kind of my own fault, being wide awake by afternoon and having nothing to do. Even when bored to death, I lacked the strength to face that hill of a pile of summer homework, so I continued to kill time by watching T.V. like a slouch.

  What was being broadcast would be the district tourney, which I was neither fated nor qualified to take part in, but empathy towards the underdog made me cheer for the side losing with a score of 0 to 7. Out of the blue, I had a premonition, a feeling Haruhi was on the move.

  I had not seen Haruhi in ages, given I took my little ol’ sister to the countryside (where my mom’s family estate is) to spend the summer and to pay respect to the ancestors, and had only triumphantly returned the day before. This is a must-go trip every year in our household. Besides, during summer vacation, the members of the SOS Brigade had few opportunities to meet each other, which meant not seeing Haruhi was only to be expected. In addition, on day one of summer vacation, we had fervently followed Her Excellency to that bizarre lone island, and had closed the curtain on that odd and rushed Summer Co-ed event long ago. Even if Haruhi were up to something, there wouldn’t be a second “overnight trip.” Having that one memory for the summer of this year should’ve been enough for her to savor.

  “But then again…”

  As I spoke to myself, for some unknown reason, an event occurred with my silent cell phone suddenly—very suddenly—at the exact moment my finger hooked onto the phone strap and pulled it towards my body, which made me suspect someone might have installed candid cameras in my home.

  Just at that moment, right on the dot, the incoming call ringtone began to buzz. Perhaps I have the power to predict the future! This thought flashed across my brain, and was immediately terminated with my head shaking in denial – too idiotic.

  “What does she want?”

  The number on the call display was the cell number of Suzumiya Haruhi.

  After letting my phone ring three times, I pressed the “talk” button with elegance. As I had an idea of what Haruhi might say, I was actually rather surprised at myself.

  “You free today?”

  This was the first sentence to come out of Haruhi.

  “At exactly 2 o’clock, have everybody meet in front of the train station, you definitely must come.”

  She cut the call off right afterwards. There was no seasonal chitchat nor household greetings, not even a confirmation of whether or not it was I at the receiving end. Most importantly, how did she know I had nothing to do today? Despite how it all looks, I still… oh, never mind, I really don’t have much to do today.

  The phone rang again.

  “What?”

  “I forgot to mention what you need to bring along.”

  She then quickly went through the list like a machine gun.

  “Also, remember to come with a bike and to bring enough money, over~!”

  The phone hung up.

  I tossed the cell aside and entertained some deep thoughts. Just what is going on? Why is it I have this strange sensation as if all of this is a dream being dragged on?

  A clean whistling blow came from the television. Right as I looked, the enemy team’s score—the enemy team at least in my mind—was in double digits. The sound of an aluminum bat hitting a baseball proclaimed this fact to me with no reservation.

  Summer was coming to an end.

  The chorus of the cicada spilled through the walls of the house, which was sealed shut with the AC turned on.

  “She’s impossible.”

  Haruhi. That woman… was making that co-ed trip to that freakish lone island as soon as summer started not enough? This summer is hot as hell… just what does she want? I absolutely did not want to leave the air-conditioned room.

  Sulk as much as I may, I still meekly headed toward my closet and removed the items she requested.

  “Kyon, you’re really slow! Would you please put more effort into it?”

  Suzumiya Haruhi tossed a plastic bag about as she pointed at me with her index finger in displeasure. This woman was still in her old form.

  “Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi all arrived before I did. You, however, would let the chief wait on you… what does that mean? You deserve punishment! Punishment!”

  I was the last person to show up at our meeting place. I was also fifteen minutes early from the meeting time. It seems everyone knew in advance Haruhi would call us out, which made the gathering lightning fast. Thanks to these gurus, I always have to treat everyone. I’ve gotten used to it and have long since given up. The fact is, I am but an ordinary layman, and arriving ahead of these three individuals with unique backgrounds is an impossible mission.

  I paid no attention to Haruhi, and turned to greet the other members unfazed.

  “So sorry for making you all wait.”

  My greeting to two of the lot mattered little, but this other individual I cannot ignore any detail. Beneath an elegant hat with ribbons, Asahina Mikuru-san released her warm smile and nodded at me.

  “Don’t worry, I just got here myself.”

  Asahina-san’s hands were grabbing onto a basket. The inside of the basket seemed to be filled with things that arouse anticipation, which made me start to feel eager for them. I had really hoped to be immersed in this pleasant atmosphere forever, but a demon had to come and soil it all.

  “Long time no see. Have you been traveling since our last meeting?”

  Koizumi Itsuki revealed those glistening white teeth and raised his thumb at me. Even with summer vacation mostly gone, his smiling face still made it seem as if he were secretly scheming something. Why couldn
’t you go on a tour? Why head to Haruhi in a hurry as soon as she calls forth? That, and coming so very early only makes you more suspicious the more I think about it… would saying no to that woman kill you?!

  My vision traveled past that bright pretender’s façade and panned horizontally. Standing over there was the non-organic visage of the emotionless Nagato, who was rather like Koizumi’s shadow. That presence, wearing the summer uniform and not a drop of sweat, standing squarely upright, was one I could not become any more familiar with. I was beginning to suspect she may not have sweat glands.

  “…”

  Nagato lifted her head and looked at me as if she were looking at a motionless toy mouse, and nodded slightly. Perhaps it was a salutation to me.

  “Everyone is here, let’s go!”

  I asked out of a sense of duty to Haruhi’s decree:

  “Where to?”

  “Where else but the city swimming pool?”

  I took a look at what I was holding in my right hand: a sport backpack with a towel and my swimwear in it. Oh well, I’d kind of guessed we’d be going to the pool.

  “Summer should be like summer, and we should be doing summer activities. Only a penguin or swan would hit the water in the middle of winter.”

  With those examples, it was to become a matter of habit and not of recreational purposes. I am not one of those people you can appease with a few inappropriate examples of what animals do.

  “Time is fleeting, so we must act the moment we have thought of something! This is the once-in-a-lifetime North High freshman year’s summer vacation!”

  As usual, Haruhi seemed to have no plan to listen to others’ suggestions. Truth be told, other than myself, the members didn’t even bother to give any suggestions to Haruhi, so the only ideas that would go in one of her ears and out the other were mine. Rationally speaking, Haruhi was a tad unreasonable… but I sealed my own fate as the only one in the brigade with any common sense. What an accursed fate this is…

  As I analyzed the differences between fate and destiny –

  “Now, let’s head to the pool on bike!”

  Haruhi’s royal decree was proclaimed. Even with no approval, the act would be forcefully enforced.

  After I asked, I found out even Koizumi was instructed to take a bike along. The trio of ladies came on foot. It is worth mentioning there were only two bicycles and five of us. Just what did this woman have in mind?

  Haruhi explained rather happily.

  “Just put two people on one bike and three on the other and voila, problem solved. Koizumi-kun, you carry Mikuru-chan. Kyon shall carry Yuki and me.”

  And so, I stepped on my pedals as if I would die. I could still stand the scorching heat that had me sweating like a pig, but that racket, which was like the adjustment noise coming from a broken loudspeaker, looped endlessly from the back of my head, driving me nuts.

  “Kyon! See that? You’ve been overtaken by Koizumi-kun! Pedal faster and catch up to him!”

  My sweat blurred my vision. I could only faintly make out Asahina-san sitting on the side at the backseat of Koizumi’s bicycle as he coyly waved at me. Why is it Koizumi carries the beauty and I the beast? I almost want to conclude “unfair” is a word that originates from my current situation!

  Both of my legs and my bicycle were struggling to tolerate this crippling overweight. Nagato sat at the rear seat, while the one who was standing on the rear pedestals and holding onto my shoulders would be Haruhi. It rather looked like a three-person riding trick. Is the SOS brigade preparing to become a circus as well?

  Oh yes, before we hit the roads, Haruhi mentioned this:

  “Yuki is diminutive, her weight is featherweight.”

  That sentence had its merit. I have no idea if Nagato set her weight to zero or if she was using anti-gravity, but I can say it felt as if I were only carrying Suzumiya Haruhi. Sigh, I wouldn’t be shocked if Nagato can adjust gravity. I would rather like to find out what she is incapable of.

  Although if she could do something about Haruhi’s weight it would be great, since my back and my shoulders could clearly feel the crushing force from that woman.

  Koizumi, peering back by looking around Asahina-san’s head, revealed that hated Mona Lisa smile of his, which made me appreciate the unfairness of this world, making me start to crack jokes at myself as Balzac did. Dammit! On the return trip, I will definitely fight for a chance to carry Asahina-san and enjoy the taste of biking with two! I think undoubtedly this ladies’ bicycle of mine shared the same view.

  The municipal swimming pool’s compliments were very crude. It would be more fitting if the name were changed to “The Ghetto Swimming Pool.” The reason would be this facility only had a fifty-meter-wide pool and a watering hole the depth of fifteen centimeters for toddlers.

  The only high school students who would come to such a pool are those bored out of their mind, such as us. Otherwise, only little kids and their parents – mothers mostly – would be there. I lost interest the moment I saw only brats in their swim rings were in the pool. Looks like the only stimulant left for my optic nerves would be Asahina-san…

  “Hmm, the smell of this disinfectant really stinks.”

  Under the sunlight, Haruhi, dressed in a deep red Tankini, had her nose sniffing nonstop with her eyes closed. She walked out of the changing room while holding Asahina-san’s hand. Asahina-san, holding a basket with the other hand, was in an overall with frills similar to children’s swimwear, and Nagato was in a plain no-frills competition swimsuit. Both suits seemed to be hand-picked by Haruhi, who paid little attention to her attire but was meticulous to the fashion of others (especially Asahina-san).

  “Jump into the water as soon as you find a place to put down our stuff. We’re gonna compete! Compete! To see who is the fastest at swimming to the other end of the pool.”

  I lifted my shoulders and (after exchanging a quick glance with Asahina-san) headed off to the shade to lay the beach towel and drop the bags.

  The brats in the pool loitered across the surface like abnormal water striders, making it impossible to swim across in a straight line. The outcome of this fifty-meter brigade-member freestyle in this brutal environment would be an unsurprising win for Nagato.

  This girl, who never seemed to take a breath, dove into the pool right away and advanced steadily. She let the water droplets fall freely from her short hair sticking to her cheeks as she waited patiently over at the other end for our arrival. As expected, Asahina-san was dead last. She had to stand to take a breath, and tossed the beach ball that had drifted near her back, which led to her taking ten times as long as Nagato to reach the other side. By the time she got there, she could barely catch her breath.

  “It’s an outright lie to say that sport relieves stress! Body is body, brain is brain. Body can move without thinking while brain cannot work without thinking.”

  Haruhi revealed a look as if she were on the right side and continued, saying:

  “Therefore, let’s do it again. Yuki, this time I am not going to lose to you!”

  Has anyone ever taught you that you can’t use “therefore,” a conjunction, in this usage? Just what is this absurdity? You’re just being a sore loser who’s trying to win at least once in overtime.

  Therefore, I anticipated anxiously that Nagato would detect this tense atmosphere and get out of the pool. I’ll let you all duke it out amongst yourselves while I stand on the side as a spectator. I bet on Nagato, who wants to bet on Haruhi?

  Haruhi and Nagato made five trips across the pool and back. Then afterwards, the situation turned into the SOS brigade female trio playing ball with the band of elementary school children. Koizumi and I, unable to cut in, decided that we might as well sit by the sides and watch them play, as there wasn’t much else to look at.

  “They’re playing their hearts out.”

  Koizumi looked at them.

  “Feels like Eden, all’s right with the world. Don’t you also think that Suzumiya-san has learned
to enjoy some of the more conventional pastimes?”

  It sounds as if he’s talking to me, so I’d better answer him.

  “She gives a call out of the blue and hangs up as soon she spilled out everything at once; just what part of this form of invitation is normal?”

  “Isn’t there a saying that it’s better to act now than later?”

  “The problem though is why is it that the ‘now’ that woman chooses has never been the best of times?”

  The baseball tournament and that ridiculously large cricket appeared in my head.

  Koizumi continued with a smile:

  “That is true, but I would think that this is rather peaceful. Seeing Suzumiya-san laughing so heartily, one would say that world-altering events would not be triggered.”

  I wish that would be so.

  I drew a long breath purposefully and added a cold sigh in the end…

  Just then, Koizumi showed a peculiar look. It was a look that I was familiar with. That is to say, apart from a grin.

  “Hmm?”

  Koizumi’s eyebrows suddenly locked up.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “Nothing…”

  The normally punctual Koizumi seemed to have had his tongue tied and looked as if he had something to say… but his smile returned to his face rather quickly.

  “It’s likely that I am worrying too much. We faced waves upon waves of events since spring, making me slightly schizophrenic. Ah! They’ve come up.”

  I looked toward where Koizumi was pointing. Haruhi approached as she strode about like an Emperor Penguin heading off to feed its children, with a smile plastered all over her face. Asahina-san and Nagato caught up as if they were following the runaway princess.

  “It’s about time to eat. The menu today is Asahina-san’s hand-made sandwiches. Street price-wise, these will run no lower than five thousand yen. If auctioned online, fetching five hundred thousand yen would not be surprising. You should thank me earnestly for letting you eat this kind of great stuff.”

  “Thank you very much.”

  I said it with all my heart, although toward Asahina-san.