The Kingdom Land

by Bart Tuma

  “‘All we need to do is accept His invitation and acknowledge we need to be with Him. She knows what I’m talking about, don’t you?’ the man pointed to me. I said, ‘Yes,’ so he wouldn’t quit talking. No one had ever explained God and Jesus Christ in the way he had, but I knew it was right. It wasn’t that it only seemed right. I knew it was right.

  “The man then said, ‘Sometimes accepting that invitation is scary because it means we need to trust someone bigger than we are. And that we know His banquet is much better than anything we could do by ourselves. Sometimes, the sheer possibilities of what He is capable of doing in our lives is so intimidating we’re afraid to take Him up on it.

  “‘And at times our pride gets in the way, and we say we don’t need what He provides because we can sit at our own table and eat what we want because we don’t want anyone telling us what to do. Like we know what to do in the first place. We’re getting His love, we’re gaining the freedom to try to live the best life we can, to make mistakes, and to still be forgiven no matter how badly we may mess up.

  “Then the man asked the working man if he would like to talk to God with him, and simply say, ‘I need you, Lord, ‘cause I know I can’t do it by myself, and I give up my demand to do whatever I want. Instead I’ll look to You and call you Lord, since I want you to be Lord over my life.’

  “The oil worker replied, ‘You said to talk with God. I don’t even know Him so how can I talk with him?’

  “‘The answer is the only way to get to know Him is to talk with Him,; the other man said. ‘A prayer is simply talking to God, the Lord of the universe.’

  “‘It seemed strange cause the man talking started to pray. He didn’t bow his heads or clasp his hands. He talked to God as if He was right there, and then I realized He was, and I said the same words as he led us in prayer without him even knowing it.

  “Even as I think of it again, I’m amazed how God used a man to talk directly to me without him knowing. God was answering my prayer that I had said in church weeks before. He was showing me the way.”

  Erik realized Laura wasn’t talking to him as much as she was remembering her own experience.

  “He assumed I was already a Believer. He didn’t know that he brought me to Christ right then and there in that park. He invited me to a bible study. I couldn’t believe those first days with our Savior. God seemed to answer my every prayer in a way that couldn’t be denied. It was like God had put me in a green house to nurture the seed He had planted to full growth. It was a magical time. If only I could be that close to Him again.”

  A passing car’s headlights made Laura’s face clear for several seconds. A stream of tears had quietly formed without touching the tone of her voice. She had felt what Erik felt and more.

  With the passing car, Laura became conscious of the tears and Erik. She repeatedly, rapidly blinked and reached up to brush her cheeks. Silence filled the pickup’s cab.

  Erik asked, “Why can’t you be close to Him now? I don’t understand. What happened?”

  “I told you, it’s not important.” Her tone took on a sharp edge.

  “So is that what I should expect? I just had a man talk about how simple it is, and you say it’s not? Did God leave you or was that time at a picnic just to give you a brief nice feeling?”

  “For the third time…it’s not important,” she said. Why does everything have to be about him? I’ve got my own problems and he hasn’t helped. “It wasn’t God’s fault, it was mine. It wasn’t just a nice feeling, it was real, but I walked away. It’s my life, it’s my mistake, and I don’t want to talk about it. You got me fired last night by barging into my business, now just drop it.”

  Even in the dark Laura’s voice cut like a knife. Erik flinched as if he had entered a cold shower.

  “I have to go. I have an interview tomorrow. It was nice meeting you.” Laura said. She started to open the pickup door.

  “Stay a little while longer” Erik urged. “There’s a church in Fairfield. New Life Center. It’s just off Main about three blocks east of WinRight. The guy I’ve been talking to about Christ has asked me to come Sunday. Can I meet you there?”Erik didn’t have the chance to think what to do. He awkwardly moved his arm in the tight confines of the pickup to touch her shoulder. His elbow cracked hard against the back window.

  Laura jumped at the sound and turned to see Erik reaching for her. She slammed on the handle and kicked open the door. The dome light came on, and Erik saw someone different. Laura’s jaw tightened and her wide eyes became narrow slits. Her icy glare didn’t fit Erik’s dream images of Laura.

  “Don’t touch me, don’t even think about it!” Then she was out of the truck, turned and was gone.

  Erik waited until Laura had reached her pickup, and then he hit his head hard on the closed window, and again, and again. How in the world can I be such an idiot? How could he continue to botch everything up? When would he learn not to reach out, not to ask for help or try to give it?

  He started the pickup before he did something else dumb. As he turned west on Highway 2 he took one last glance towards Laura. Her Datsun hadn’t moved, and her silhouette sat motionless.

  Chapter Twelve

  Laura tapped her key ring on the steering wheel while watching Erik’s lights head west on Hwy 2. The taps became harder as her thoughts began sharper. Laura wanted to be mad at someone. She wanted to be mad at Erik. Who does he think he is? First, he wants to be a hero and fight for me, and then he thinks he can tell me about Christ. He’ll learn. He’ll learn. It’s not his business. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone. But she knew it wasn’t Erik’s fault.

  She tried to get mad at God as she no longer tapped but pounded the wheel. Why can’t He just let me forget? Why do I need to be reminded everyday? I know what I did. It’s my fault. Call me a sinner, that’s obvious. I was the one who failed Him. But why can’t He let me just forget it. Why does He have to remind me? He’s supposed to forgive, not torment.

  She didn’t directly address God. She couldn’t even raise her eyes as she pounded her hand on the steering wheel until, out of exhaustion, her head fell limp on the wheel.

  As she sat alone the memories of the last year flooded her thoughts, and she seemed caught in time.

  The memories never left her. Most days they were a cloud that followed her, but tonight they weren’t just memories, they were images that were as real as the “POINT” sign above her. Her tears flowed so thick she knew she couldn’t drive. Her hands shook with the sobs that couldn’t be stopped. She didn’t dare leave the lot. She collapsed to lie on the full length of the seat, pulling her legs tight to her chest. She could only lie curled in a fetal position and see the pictures that her mind could not delete.

  She remembered. She remembered that night that changed her life. It all started with a guy and a simple date. She hardly knew him. Earlier that week a church friend introduced the two of them. His name was Marcus.

  Later in private the friend told Laura that Marcus had just got into town and had been through some hard times, none of which were his fault. The friends suggested it would be great if the two went on a date. It would be a fresh start for Marcus to have a casual night out, and it would be fun for Laura to meet someone new.

  “He’s a great guy, and I know he’s close to the Lord” the friend said. Laura finally agreed. Marcus called to take her to the movie that Friday.

  The date started better than Laura could imagine. They went to a movie she wanted to see, and afterwards got a burger to go and went to a park to eat in the cool evening air. She should have wondered why he went to the back, dark side of the park to find a table. But he was a great guy so it didn’t matter.

  After eating the last few fries, they climbed back in Marcus’s van and Laura playfully punched him in the arm. It was like a game a guy and a girl would play in grade school. It was all in fun, but then Marcus grabbed her arms.

  Laura still wasn’t concerned. She thought it was part of the ga
me to stop her little jabs. But his grips became hard and controlling. She should have fought harder when he pulled her to the back, but she had no idea… She pushed him off her twice or was it three times? It was no longer a game. It was rape.

  That night at the Point she thought of everything she should have done, but hadn’t. She could have screamed and maybe he would have stopped, but she didn’t. She could have said she’d walk home, but she didn’t. She didn’t listen to the warning signs.

  So she blamed herself. Why would anyone with any sense get into a van and be driven to the back of a dark park.

  Before that evening she had never define the word ‘rape’. Later, she was too isolated with guilt to tell anyone what really happened. It happened and that was all that needed to be known.

  Within weeks it wasn’t just a matter of guilt. It was a matter of life. The picture in Laura’s mind eye flashed in the night sky at the same time a car passed by on Hwy 2. She saw herself standing in her apartment’s bathroom holding a blue positive home pregnancy test while her roommates laughed in the next room. She had been sick for several days and then she missed her period a second time. What Laura feared the most had happened. That test meant a child had formed and was forming more life each day. Her stare at the positive strip was broken by her roommates telling her to hurry. They were late for going out. She told them to go ahead without her. She didn’t realize they would never ask her out with them or for anything else again. She made a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible and it was confirmed.

  In the darkness of an empty Point drive-in space, sweat dampened her shirt. Once again she found herself alone with her tormented cries. How could He let this happen? You don’t get pregnant after being with a man once. It was not a prayer, but a statement. After the night in the van there had been few prayers

  She also remembered going to confront Marcus. Laura knew where Marcus and most oilmen ate dinner. She wore the ugliest clothes she had and went to the restaurant early. She pretended she was watching a pool game, but actually was using a big surpport beam to hide behind. She didn’t want to give Marcus a chance to leave before she told him, and she wanted to be in full control of what would happen.

  Laura guessed right although she had to wait. Marcus showed up late, and sat down at a table right next to the beam with an oil-man friend. They studied the menu that hadn’t changed in years, but it still held their attention. They both jumped when Laura suddenly came out from her hiding place accompanied by a loud, “Hello.” At first she thought Marcus might run, but he couldn’t since his friend was there.

  “Didn’t mean to surprise you.” Laura lied, ”but we need to talk.”

  “About what?” Marcus asked.

  “I thought you might want to know something. I’m pregnant.”

  “Why would I want to know that?” Marcus asked.

  “It’s… it’s your baby.” Laura hadn’t come prepared for a straight denial. She was shocked at how nonchalant he was acting.

  “Give me a break. You came on to me and you had a good time, now don’t think you’re going to hang something like this on me. I can tell you’ve been around. Talk to all the other guys. You’ve come to the wrong place if you think you’re going to pull me into this. You’ve blown this one, not me.”

  Liar! Laura wanted to yell, but chose her stare to carry her disgust. There had been no other man and no other possibility. Another word would be a waste of time and would only invite further insult. She’d done her duty.

  Laura’s pause let Marcus grab his coat off the seat next to him, and he motioned to his friend that they were leaving. “Sorry to hear about the bad luck,” he said to Laura. “I’d take care of that quick if I were you. But I’ve got a new job and my boss is waiting for me. Wish I could help, but times are tough for everybody.” With those few words he was gone, and Laura was alone again.

  She hadn’t expected anything different, and wouldn’t know what to do if he had wanted to be a father to the child. She was alone, and it would stay that way.

  From there Laura went straight to the house she shared with three others. She needed someone who’d understand and hug her and cry with her. These weren’t just roommates. They were Christian sisters, and they’d understand.

  She told them without details what had happened. At the end Laura reached out for a hug, but there was none. All she got was troubled looks, and, “We’ll pray for you.”

  Later, her closest friend, Robin, cornered her in the kitchen, saying she’d received a word from God about how disappointed He was and that only time would prove if Laura had the fruits of repentance to be part of the church again.

  After that she was afraid of going to any one else from her church. Her parents had quit welcoming her once she became a Christian. They both had drinking problems and thought Laura looked down on them for their non-belief.

  Boy, wouldn’t they love it to hear that after all my preaching to them, I’m the real sinner.

  Her only companion during those months was the child growing within her womb, and she found herself talking to that child often.

  I hope you like Italian food ‘cause a feast is coming your way. I read today that protein and calcium will help you grow, so enjoy all you can grab. I’ve heard that later I will get cravings for strange food, but the only thing I’m craving for now is you to be healthy and strong. Alone with her child she would sing lullabies and a few times hopeful hymns. The hymns weren’t to God, but for her child.

  That evening at the Point the weather had started to cool, but Laura found sweat soaking her body. Her sobs shook her entire body when she remembered the second doctor’s visit at the end of her first trimester.

  She didn’t have money or insurance, but something wasn’t feeling right.

  “How’s mom today?’ the slightly heavy nurse asked as she walked into the room. “My name is Nancy.” On the first visit a different nurse had cared for Laura, but Nancy looked just as nice.

  “I’m fine. A little nervous. Maybe I should say very nervous. I’m trying to do everything right, but I’m so afraid I’m gong to hurt my child. I feel like I’m carrying a dozen eggs and I’ll break one if I turn too fast.”

  ”Well, let’s hope you don’t have a dozen eggs in there,” the nurse patted Laura’s stomach. “Most people are very happy to have one egg fertilized and hatched nine months later. Let’s see you have,” she turned the page on the chart, “six and a half months before that egg becomes a baby in your arms.”

  “It’s a baby already and I can’t wait to hold that baby in my arms!”

  “Great,” the nurse ignored Laura’s comments. “I see too many girls your age that don’t feel that way. I hope dad feels the same.”

  “Dad’s not around.” Laura did her best to keep her voice upbeat, but looked away in case she failed.

  It was necessary for the nurse to ask the question. The chart didn’t list a father. The nurse had seen this too many times to care one way or the other.

  “Well, fine, we’ll just have that baby by ourselves won’t we? Those men just get in the way anyway.” The nurse took her pulse and temperature.

  “Well, this visit we do an ultra-sound to see how thing are progressing.

  “How much does that cost? I don’t have insurance and I don’t have a lot of cash.”

  “The state will cover it, honey. They always do in these situations…” she changed the subject. “This is going t be cold,” she said as she squirted a clear lotion from what looked like a mustard bottle onto Laura’s belly.

  The nurse was good. She was experienced. She could perform the exam and not give the patient a hint that something was wrong. She was also experienced enough that she knew something was wrong. God I wish this girl hadn’t called this embryo a child. It makes it so much harder when this happens.

  Nancy left the room with a smile and warned the doctor about what he would be walking into.

  “Good afternoon, Laura. Nice to see you again. Remember me? I’m D
r. Sorenson. I want to do a quick ultrasound exam on you.”

  “Nancy already did one a few seconds ago. I’m sorry, but I don’t have insurance so I would rather pass on another test.”

  “Don’t worry. I ‘m sure you aren’t happy about being a burden on the state but we only want to do what is best for you, right?”

  The doctor took longer and wasn’t as good at hiding his expression. Laura could tell something wasn’t right.

  “Laura, there is a problem with the fetus.”

  “What is it?” Am I supposed to guess? she wondered at the doctor’s long pause. To her, it almost seemed like he was trying to be dramatic with the long pause, like a bad actor.

  Finally he said, “It looks as if the fetus is no longer developing. It doesn’t show the signs of life I would expect.” He waited for Laura to respond or react. She did neither, but only stared straight forward. He had been an OBY/Gyn for eighteen years, but he still couldn’t predict how a woman would react to this news. He decided to simply continue his explanation.

  “I don’t think the fetus will develop any further. It looks as if the pregnancy has been terminated.”

  “Fetus, why do you keep calling my baby a fetus? Why don’t you just say my baby is dead? That’s what you’re trying to say, isn’t it?”

  “I’m saying fetus because it hasn’t yet developed specific organs or features. By definition it remains a fetus, so you have not lost a child. Nature has simply protected you before the fetus becomes more than a simple mass.”

  “A simple mass! How dare you call my child a ‘simple mass’? That child was birthed in my womb.”

  “I’m sorry. I misspoke. I know there is a segment of the population that has that opinion, and I didn’t realize you were one of them.”

  “I’m not a ‘segment of the population’ and I don’t know what you mean by being ‘one of them’. I’m a mother and not a population. I know that child was alive in my womb, not as a mass, but as a creation of God. That child was a part of me, and I gave it new life every day as my baby grew. Don’t tell me it wasn’t a child. You might be a doctor, but I know better. I’m not talking because I’m part of a group. I WAS THAT BABY’S MOTHER…” Laura remained composed but adamant. She still had a child to protect even if that child would never be held.