Guthrie and Castelnuovo 1992; St Martin and Gavey 1996; see also Chapters
3 and 9). Whilst these expectations encourage a veneer of femininity to be placed over the project of muscularity there is no complete transformation into acceptable hegemonic norms regarding how a ‘female’ should look and act.
Nevertheless, for the majority of female bodybuilders, femininity is a calculated ‘balancing act’ (Grogan 2004) which takes time, money and effort. In this
92 The ‘dark side’ of female bodybuilding
section of the chapter, I turn to the ways in which the women manage the masculinizing side effects of steroids in order to maintain the appearance and identity of a feminine woman.
Steroids will enable a woman to increase her strength and muscle size, but at the same time she will have to cope with the virilization-related side effects. For the women involved, the increase in testosterone and the decrease in oestrogen (further expounded by oestrogen blockers such as Clomid and Tamoxifen) are comparable to going through male puberty. Women will usually have to contend with acne, increased appetite, increased body and facial hair and the lowering/‘breaking’ of the voice (Ferguson 1990). Individuals will react differently depending on their chemical sensitivity and genetic disposition/susceptibility. As Michelle (a bodybuilder of five years) explains:
Not all people respond the same way, it depends on what receptors you have.
I knew for example that I would have hair problems. I’m hairy, therefore I am most likely to have male pattern baldness as I have a lot of hair receptors that respond to testosterone… I used to have bad skin, so I knew that acne would also be an issue for me.
However, any amount of steroid which is introduced into the female endocrine system will cause a reaction – and this is usually irreversible. The women who choose to use steroids are aware of these consequences and the risks that the side effects pose for their ‘femininity’. This is demonstrated by Barbara (a bodybuilder of seven years).
We are not naturally able to look like bodybuilders; for example, you can’t achieve the rippedness on your quads due to oestrogen and water. So in some ways you are removing your femininity and replacing it with masculinity.
Muscularity, vascularity and hardness are increased as estrogenic fat, usually situated on areas of ‘womanly curves’ such as thighs, hips and breasts, decreases.
As women’s breasts are a signifier of femininity, with erotic/aesthetic and fertility-related associations (Yalom 1999), losing breast tissue and fat can be dev-astating for some women. Several of the women had already had plastic surgery to enhance their breasts before I conducted my research; however, one female bodybuilder, who had initially been adamant that she would not compromise, decided after two years to undergo breast augmentation when she became tired of being mistaken for a man. Another female bodybuilder was seriously contemplat-ing breast enhancement as she felt ‘unattractive’ with ‘saggy boobs’, which had decreased by two cup sizes and damaged her confidence in sexual relationships as a result of her dieting and taking oestrogen inhibiters. Danielle (a bodybuilder of five years), however, claimed that whilst she didn’t like the look of her breasts when dieting, the steroids had no effect on her chest size or shape. Similarly, Michelle (a bodybuilder of five years) stated: ‘I never had boobs anyway… so I don’t feel it’s made any difference’.
The ‘dark side’ of female bodybuilding 93
Amenorrhea (absence of periods) frequently became an issue for female bodybuilders whilst on steroids. Regular menstruation, being associated with fertility, is often viewed as a vital part of being a woman (Kitzinger and Willmott 2002). Yet whilst one female bodybuilder did articulate concern that steroid use may prevent her from conceiving at a later date, most expressed their relief that they either did not have periods whilst on a cycle or that PMS
symptoms, including period pains, were diminished and periods were lighter and shorter. The women who did light/moderate steroid cycles of less than three per year found that menstruation returned to ‘normal’ after two or three months; however, those on a heavy course or who continually used steroids found their periods ceased indefinitely. Interestingly, acne did not feature as a significant problem for the female bodybuilders. Whilst several used topical over-the-counter acne medications to control ‘breakouts’, some of the women claimed they did not suffer from any skin problems at all. The following quote by Corina (a bodybuilder of four years) is a typical comment on the topic: ‘my skin’s not too bad, but I’ve got a few boils on my back. My skin gets worse after shows, as all the toxins come out’.
In comparison, the steroids’ effect on the women’s hair did make an impact, to a greater or lesser extent. Our hair, according to Weitz (2004), is not only a broad language which tells others about ourselves, but is also a symbol of femininity. In modern society, ideals of femininity are personified by long, flowing, thick, shiny and healthy hair. The majority of women experienced some effect on their hair’s thickness and texture. Receding hairlines and thinning hair are well-documented consequences of steroid use and many women compensated for this by getting hair extensions – although, as Barbara (a bodybuilder of seven years) claimed,
‘lots of the professional female bodybuilders wear wigs’. As the following extract shows, however, women may have different experiences:
Touch wood, I’ve not lost any hair on my head… it’s really thick and drier now. That’s the Oxy’s – it changes the texture and makes it wiry. I have to get it thinned, but it’s better than it all falling out and getting a receding hairline.
(Caroline, bodybuilder of 17 years)
Body hair also plays a central role in constructing both masculinity, femininity and sexual identities (Oberstein 2011). In contemporary Western society, for a woman to have excess/dark hair, facial hair, underarm hair, hair beyond the ‘bikini line’ or hairy legs is considered taboo, unhygienic and disgusting by hegemonic norms. For female bodybuilders who use steroids, and whose body hair increases as a result, this can be an ongoing and frustrating area to manage. One female bodybuilder describes it as a ‘mammoth task. I have to shave my arms and stomach – use close grade clipper as otherwise my skin gets really sore… My partner shaves my back’
(Emma, bodybuilder of 19 years). Whilst some females shave every day, others use creams or wax to get rid of their hair. Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) is also a popular method, despite being expensive; however, whilst ‘it definitely works’, it is not a permanent solution for these women who will need regular appointments. Some
94 The ‘dark side’ of female bodybuilding
of the women reported only growing ‘fine, blonde, baby hair on their chin’, which was ‘disturbing but manageable’. Another reported plucking hair from around her nipples and from her stomach, which had become routine since taking a course of steroids several years previously.
Another serious ‘gender’ defect that women have to deal with is the effects on their vocal cords:
When people start talking to you on the phone and keep asking you whether you have a cold… and you wake up in the morning and your voice in very deep. Then you become very conscious… I could feel the voice being quite grainy and my vocal cords feel quite thick. Even now I feel that I have to clear my throat at times by coughing… [and] get a bit hoarse.
(Barbara, bodybuilder of seven years)
People sometimes call me ‘sir’ on the phone and I have to correct them. Like the other day I was changing my car insurance and the guy on the phone assumed I must be getting it on behalf of my partner.
(Michelle, bodybuilder of five years)
All but one of the muscular women claimed to deliberately soften their voices as a result, particularly on the telephone. However, Michelle claimed that it no longer bothered her: ‘My voice has changed; I think I sound like my brother… I don’t care anymore, I think I’ve got used to it… I think that I might sound like a camp man’.
In this section I have discussed some of th
e negotiations that muscular women undertake to maintain dominant ideals of femininity. These include breast implants, hair extensions/wigs, extreme hair depilation and softening their voices.
Such actions are frequently undertaken as a response to the effects of taking steroids/oestrogen blockers in distancing their bodies from gendered norms. This suggests that there are limits to the transformations many female bodybuilders are prepared to display. Instead, actions that compensate for a loss of femininity comprise the ‘dull compulsion’ of gender norms. These female bodybuilders pursue muscle, but also pay respect to presentational norms by donning some of the accoutrements of femininity. Felshin (1974) refers to this as the ‘feminine apologetic’. These compromises, if compromises they are, may not be unreasonable if they enable female bodybuilders to pursue their primary goal, but do illustrate the efficacy of wider presentational norms. Of course, it is also important to consider that these women want to maintain a feminized muscularity, and the combination of muscle and hair extensions, physical bulk and make-up, refined vascularity and prominent breasts are all expressions of a single coherent identity.
Managing the risks
Grogan et al. (2006) argue that the masculinizing effects of steroids could act as a deterrent for female bodybuilders. However, the women who chose to take the
The ‘dark side’ of female bodybuilding 95
steroid route (the majority in my sample) learned to manage the drugs’ side effects and risks. Some did this by keeping drug dosages low and cycle lengths short (a maximum of eight weeks), with extended periods of recovery between courses.
Likewise, highly androgenic compounds (such as testosterones and dianabol) were often avoided; popular steroids (with potentially less virilizing side effects) for women included anavar (oxandrolane), winstrol (stanozolol) and primobolan depot (methenolone enenthate). For each female bodybuilder there appears to be a line which they are unwilling to cross, as illustrated in the case of Barbara (a bodybuilder of seven years):
When I was on my second course of taking primo and anavar – seven weeks into that my voice dropped… I was almost at the end of my course so I just carried on. My hair went fine – just the texture and the way it looked. It looked a bit lifeless… Although if I’d noticed any hair loss I would have stopped there. That would have been the line for me… [I] washed my hair a bit more to make it look more full-bodied and I tied it back more to stop people noticing.
Another woman stopped using steroids altogether when she noticed her voice becoming ‘scratchy’. However, in the case of the women seeking to become professional competitive female bodybuilder, higher ‘risks’ were taken with drugs such as decca and trenbolane. Unsurprisingly, a greater amount of unwanted and harmful physical effects developed too, as demonstrated in the following quotes:
I’ll also use Oxy’s, which are known to be quite toxic – that’s what done my kidneys in.
(Caroline, bodybuilder of 17 years)
I had a really bad experience with tren… you can get it from gear sometimes… it’s like a cough, like an anaphylactic reaction… I did a shot of tren and I couldn’t stop coughing and it was really painful… it was quite frightening.
(Michelle, bodybuilder of five years)
When I was dieting for competition, the steroids along with the fatburners (clenbuterol, ephedrine and caffeine) made me feel lightheaded and shaky. It felt like a continual tightness in my head and congestion in my nose. My eyes were bloodshot… I just didn’t feel right in myself.
(Barbara, bodybuilder of seven years)
I used to use decca in the off season, but I tend to stay off it now. It makes me massively hold water and my hands and feet become unbearably painful.
(Emma, bodybuilder of 19 years)
96 The ‘dark side’ of female bodybuilding
Supporting the findings of Grogan et al. (2006) and Monaghan (2002), female bodybuilders often spoke about drug ‘use’ rather than ‘abuse’ – that is to say, using drugs for the purpose of building muscle and creating low body fat with muscular definition, at the same time as being knowledgeable about and minimizing side effects. However, there is a fragile divide between these two things.
Although I can only skim the surface of this important discussion here, the drugs’
side effects were managed in a variety of ways by the female bodybuilders, including the following: injecting rather than taking oral tablets (as this is understood to be less harmful on the liver), ‘keeping a clean diet’, avoiding recreational drugs (including alcohol) and taking health supplements such as milk thistle to support the liver. Despite the pleasures articulated earlier by the women, some female bodybuilders did express a fear for the future and the wish that they did not have to take steroids in order to achieve their goals:
I hate the side effects from gear… you can’t stop it, you can’t go back.
And that’s what frightens me for the people who are so young that they might decide in a few years that bodybuilding is not for her and she can’t go back.
(Michelle, bodybuilder of five years)
No one really wants to inject themselves… I know the risks and yet somehow I don’t think it will happen to me… Little is known about the long-term health risks of heavy use.
(Katie, bodybuilder of six years)
These reflections are similar to those found in Grogan et al.’s (2006) study, in which one woman called steroids a ‘necessary evil’ in order to compete.
Despite the masculinizing effects of steroids and the other physical risks involved, for the female bodybuilders the pleasures and desires outweigh the negative side effects and provide them with the ability to fulfil their goals. Further research is needed into how female bodybuilders manage the risks associated with their lifestyle and the long-term consequences of their choices. Whatever compromises the female bodybuilders made, none were prepared to revisit their primary aim of developing a muscular body. There is for these women a pleasure intrinsic to building muscle that overrides the costs associated with breaking social taboos, a finding consistent with Grogan’s (2004) suggestion that the development of female muscularity can be used positively to help resist certain gendered norms.
Conclusion
This chapter has focused on the ‘dark side’ of bodybuilding, exploring muscle worship and steroid use through the lived experiences of the participants themselves.
By doing this, it has offered more complex and multi-dimensional insights than have previously been documented. Indeed, there has been a tendency in academic
The ‘dark side’ of female bodybuilding 97
literature to disembody female bodybuilding by presenting a picture ‘devoid of women’s experiences, feelings, and practical activities with regard to their bodies’
(Davis 1995: 169). Yet without exploration into these processes, physical pleasures and practices, it is difficult to fully comprehend the lives of these women, which appear hard and difficult, despite periodic moments of pride and enjoyment. As Grosz argues, ‘understanding the body means examining what things it performs; what transformations and becomings it undergoes; the connections that it forms; and the capacities that it can proliferate’ (Grosz 1994: 165). It is for this reason that the next two chapters focus on the place where these women feel most at home and experience the ‘workout’ as the peak phenomenological heightened pleasure in their daily lives. It is to this exploration of female bodybuilders in the gym that I turn in the next chapter.
Confession of a muscle slave
The first time I saw a female bodybuilder I was in my family home, watching a BBC popular science programme. I was about 13 or 14 I think, and the show, called ‘Body Matters’, had invited Carolyn Cheshire on to demonstrate the way muscles work in tandem. She came down a set of steps through the audience, tanned, oiled and wearing an orange bikini. Then she started to pose, and my life changed forever.
I have been attracted to female bodybuilders and women with muscle in general ever since. I
can’t really explain why this is so, not in the sense of ‘Where does this attraction come from?’ I’m just wired that way. But I can try to explain what I find attractive and erotic about them.
First of all, I love their muscles. This may seem obvious, but it needs to be said nonetheless. Muscles on women turn me on more than anything else. Any amount of muscle will do it for me, but the more muscle there is, the more defined it is, and the more proportional it is, the more turned on I will be. I simply find muscular female physiques to be more aesthetically beautiful than any other body type.
I love the way they look whether relaxed or flexed, in motion or frozen in a photograph. A common criticism of female bodybuilders is that they don’t have the ‘curves’ of a conventionally sexy woman. I’ve never understood this. Muscle women have curves in places that most women don’t have places. To me, they are the most curvaceous, and therefore the sexiest, women of all. I’m pretty sure that the reason for my reaction to female bodybuilders in those first few years was that they were truly unique women. I had never seen anything like them, and they were so different from the norm that this must have been the reason for the intensity of my physical response to them.
I also think that this is a key factor in my response to seeing muscular women in the course of my everyday life – not that this happens often! A muscle woman looks totally different from other women. The shape of her body is different, and her muscularity means she carries herself differently. She radiates strength and confidence, which is not something that many conventionally bodied women do.
Confidence is a quality that most people (male or female) find appealing, and I am no exception. A muscular woman has it in spades. She’s such a unique creature that it is almost inevitable that she will attract attention when she is in situations
Confession of a muscle slave 99
outside the gym or the contest, and unless she is supremely comfortable in her own skin, this attention will be unbearable.
Strong and Hard Women Page 16
