by Rinyu, Beth
I rubbed his arm lightly as he continued to stare out the window. I could tell he was upset with himself and I wanted to comfort him so I wrapped my arms around him, giving him a hug.
“Kat, just stop,” he said as he pushed me away.
“I’m sorry,” I said, confused by his harsh reaction.
“You can’t just think that a hug is going to make everything better”
“Julian, I only thought –”
“Matty had a seizure because I let my guard down and didn’t double-check his chart,” he said.
I was afraid to respond, afraid that I would only be cut off again. “Julian, he’s fine now, he’s going to get the medication that he needs and it won’t happen again. It’s not your fault,” I said gently.
“Yes, it is Kat – this is why I can’t stop thinking like a doctor for even one second. Because God knows you sure as hell aren’t,” he said coldly.
I was furious and hurt, both at the same time. I shook my head in disbelief. I could tell that he sensed my feelings as he ran his hand through his hair and looked away to prepare for what he had coming to him.
“You are the most pompous, insensitive ass that I have ever met!” I shouted.
“Really Kat, he was having a seizure and you just froze up. What if I wasn’t here, what would you have done, let him choke on his own vomit?” He was using the same harsh tone now with me that he had with Dr. Fowler and Dr. Taylor.
I began to cry, which was the last thing I wanted him to see. “I honestly don’t know how I ever had a child with someone like you – I hate you!” The tears were rolling down my face. He was emotionless, as if he were unaffected by my words or my tears before he walked out the door.
I sat by Matty’s bedside, trying my best to stop crying but I couldn’t. Why did I let him get me so upset? The nurse came in with Matty’s medicine. I quickly dabbed my eyes with a tissue, knowing that it was a lost cause. My eyes felt like they were swollen shut from all of my crying.
“Are you okay, Dr. Vallia?” the nurse asked.
“Yes, just an emotional day,” I responded.
She looked at me sympathetically. “What’s the medication that you’re giving him?” I asked.
“Diazepam, five milligrams,” she clarified.
“Diazepam? Why didn’t he order Gabapentin instead?” which was always my first choice in anti-seizure medication.
“I believe Dr. Fowler said that the Diazepam is what Dr. Kiron had requested,” she said.
“Oh,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“I could double-check with Dr. Fowler if you’d like,” she said.
“No, that’s fine – I’m okay with the Diazepam.” I didn’t want to start a whole new argument by questioning Julian’s judgment.
Julian was gone for quite some time. When he returned, I didn’t acknowledge him in any way and just focused my attention on Matty, who was still sleeping. Julian sat down in the chair next to me as I continued ignoring him.
“I’m sorry Kat.”
I continued looking straight ahead until he took my face in his hands and turned my head forcing me to look at him. “You’re a great mom and a great doctor.”
“Why do you have to be so mean?” I asked. “I was only trying to make you see that it wasn’t your fault that this happened. I didn’t know it was going to make you so upset.”
“I know and I shouldn’t have blown up on you like that. I was just so angry at myself that I took it out on you,” he said in a gentle tone.
“It’s okay,” I said as he handed me a tissue to wipe away a stray tear that rolled down my face. “And I’m sorry for what I said to you.”
“That’s okay, you’re not the first girl to tell me they hate me – I’m used to it,” he joked. I shook my head and gave him the best smile that I could manage.
Matty finally woke up around dinnertime, not taking one bite of his food. “Matty, you have to try to eat,” I pleaded as I tried giving him a spoonful of applesauce.
“How about some ice cream?” Julian asked. Matty shook his head. “That’s okay; maybe tomorrow you’ll feel like some,” Julian said as if trying to put both Matty’s and my mind at ease.
We spent the rest of the night watching movies that Matty picked out. Matty remained quiet the entire night, falling back asleep around ten o’clock. The room that he was in now was a lot larger than his other one. There was a pullout sofa so the parents could stay overnight. Julian and I had been taking turns staying with him. Tonight, Julian was adamant that he stay with him. I wasn’t going to put up a fight. I knew that he would be much better with handling another seizure in the middle of the night than me. I decided I would leave. Julian looked exhausted.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay instead?” I asked.
“No,” he responded quickly. “I want be here to make sure that he’s given the proper medications.” He was making sure that mistake never happened again.
“Do you need anything before I go?” I asked.
“No, I’m good.”
He got up from the chair, looking over at Matty to make sure that he was asleep. He wanted to check his voice mail and was unable to use his cell phone in the room. He decided to walk me to my car. The hospital seemed so quiet; not the usual bedlam that went on during the daytime hours. It was a cold January night. I walked out the door into the darkness and immediately zipped my coat up higher.
“It’s freezing!” I said. “You don’t have to walk me all the way to my car.”
“That’s okay, I could use some fresh air,” he said.
I felt guilty about leaving, but Julian was insistent that he stay. He assured me that he would call me right away if anything were to happen in the middle of the night.
We finally reached my car. I shivered from the cold. “Go get in the car and get warmed up,” he said.
“Okay,” I said with my hand on the door handle.
I looked at him again with gratitude as he gazed back at me. For a brief second I thought he was going to kiss me but instead he pulled me close and hugged me tightly. All of the coldness that I had been feeling was now replaced by warmth. I quickly removed my hand from the door handle and wrapped both of my arms around him tightly. He kissed me on my head, resting his lips there for a few seconds. He finally released me from his embrace and took my cold hands in his.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as he opened the car door for me.
I got in my car and started it, waiting for it to heat up, already feeling warm inside as I watched him walk away.
Chapter 34
Another week had gone by and thankfully Matty didn’t have any more seizures. Julian went back to Chicago for a few days for a series of meetings. He would be returning in two days. He didn’t want to leave Matty but it was mandatory that he attend the meetings. I was counting the days until he returned. I was beginning to feel helpless without him around.
Dr. Fowler came in for Matty’s morning check-up. “Good morning, Matty,” he said.
Matty was running a temperature and had been clingy with me all morning. Dr. Fowler took his temperature again. It had gone up from earlier. He prepped me that he would need to have some more blood work done. Matty whimpered hearing this news.
“It will be really quick,” Dr. Fowler tried to reassure him. Matty wouldn’t even look at him. His personality had changed so much over the past few weeks since starting this harrowing treatment. I couldn’t blame him; he had had more blood tests done than I could even count. The blood work was needed to see if Matty had developed an infection. This was my biggest fear; if he contracted an infection, he would be put in total isolation.
Dr. Fowler asked me to follow him into the hallway. He looked at me sympathetically. “I wanted to discuss with you and Dr. Kiron about the possibility of putting Matty on a feeding tube.”
“A feeding tube?” I knew that Matty hadn’t been eating properly. But I didn’t think that it had come down to this yet.
“It wou
ld just be for a few days, just so he can get some nutrients back into his body to make him a little stronger,” he explained. “Let’s wait and see how these tests come back before we discuss that,” he said. He advised me that he would have the nurse come in to draw the blood and we would have the results within a few hours.
Matty was sleeping when I walked back into his room. I was being faced with the possibility of him having an infection and now a feeding tube. I instantly wished that Julian were here with me. I rubbed Matty’s cheek watching him sleep. I wanted so much to be able to hug him but was so afraid of his fragile little body.
The nurse came in to take his blood work. She seemed happy to see him sleeping, ensuring me he wouldn’t feel a thing. She stuck the needle in his arm with ease. He remained asleep, moving just a bit. I was relieved that he slept through it, sparing him from yet another traumatizing blood test.
I sat in his room staring at the walls. I was feeling so helpless, wishing that there was something I could do to help him. I closed my eyes trying to clear my head and dozed off.
“Kat,” I opened my eyes at the sound of Dr. Fowler’s voice. I stood up immediately. “I just got the blood work; he does have an infection,” he confirmed. “I have a call in to Dr. Kiron, but I’m sure he will agree with starting him on a high dose of antibiotics.”
I hadn’t called Julian yet. I wanted to wait until the blood work had come back. I was hoping in the back of my mind that it wasn’t an infection. I nodded in agreement, giving him permission to start the antibiotics.
“I’m also going to suggest that we start the feeding tube,” he said.
I looked over at Matty sleeping in the bed. I fought the lump that was forming in my throat. “Okay,” I said reluctantly.
He looked at me compassionately. “I’m sorry but he’s going to have to be quarantined until we get this infection under control.”
I shook my head and looked over at Matty who was now awake, but still very out of it. The infection was starting to take hold. He looked even thinner than usual. His skin was pale white and dark circles encompassed his beautiful blue eyes. It was if I didn’t even recognize the child I was looking at and it scared me to death. I sat down on the bed next to him, holding back my tears.
“Matty, they’re going to give you special medicine to help you get better,” I said. He looked at me blankly. “Mommy can’t be in the room with you for a few days while you take this medicine. I promise I will be right outside your room,” I continued.
“No Mommy, don’t go,” he said as his bottom lip began to quiver, too weak to even cry.
“This medicine is going to make you all better, Matty. Don’t you want to feel better so you can come home?”
He nodded.
“I need you to be brave; it’s only going to be a few days.” My eyes were stinging, holding back the tears. I knew that I couldn’t let him see me cry, I had to be strong for him now more than ever.
I hugged him gently. I could feel the heat coming off of him as his body trembled. A young oriental woman entered the room. She introduced herself to Matty and me. She was a social worker who specifically worked with patients undergoing bone marrow transplants. She sat down in the chair explaining to Matty in a caring and gentle voice what was going to happen to him. He listened to her carefully as he clung to my arm. I could tell that he instantly trusted her.
“Now Matty, you’re a big boy right?” she asked. Matty nodded. “As soon as this is all over, you will feel so much better.” she said. “The nurses will be here to take care of anything you need.” She introduced Matty to one of the nurses who would be assigned specifically to him.
“Hi Matty; my name is Barbara,” the older nurse said, smiling as she gently rubbed his arm.
Another nurse came in with the bag of antibiotics. I knew this was my signal to leave. I hugged Matty as tightly as his little body could handle and kissed him on the forehead. “I love you so much,” I said. “I promise I will see you in a couple of days.” I wiped the tears off his face. I did my best to hold mine back.
“Will Daddy be here too when you come back?” Matty’s normally gruff voice was barely a whisper.
“Yes, Matty, I will make sure that he is,” his face forced the best smile that he could and I felt my heart leap out of my chest as I tried not to break the dam that was holding my tears back. “I love you sweet boy,” I said as I gave him one last kiss.
The social worker walked out the door with me. She assured me that they would be taking excellent care of him. She handed me her card advising me to call her if I needed anything. I thanked her as I placed it in my wallet. I made my way through the hospital and out to my car. I was growing more upset by the moment. The tears began to flow as I walked outside. I was finally getting a signal on my phone. It started beeping like crazy from inside my purse with the messages that had come through all morning. I sat in my car trying to pull it together. Seeing Matty lying in that bed – would that be the last memory that I had of my son? Had he come all this way just to lose his battle now? When I finally felt composed enough I took my phone from my purse. There were several messages from Claire and Tricia. I wanted to get it together a bit more before calling them back. There was a voice message from Julian as well.
“Kat, I just spoke with Dr. Fowler. Just sign off on everything that he is recommending. It’s best for Matty right now – he’s going to be okay. I’m cancelling my meetings for tomorrow. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I played his message over and over again. Just hearing his voice strangely put me at ease. I didn’t know what to do next. I started my car and just began to drive. I had the windows rolled down, not minding the cold winter air blowing in. I pulled up in front of Charles and Claire’s not even remembering the drive over.
I walked through the front door and found them both in the kitchen preparing dinner.
“Kat, what’s the matter, honey?” Claire asked, seeing the expression on my face.
I sat down at their breakfast bar. “Matty’s developed an infection and they’re starting him on a feeding tube as well.”
Charles came and sat down next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Do they have him isolated?” he asked. I nodded and began to cry. Claire handed me a tissue and rubbed my back slowly.
“It’s very common – just give the antibiotics a chance to do their job,” Charles said. “Is Julian in agreement with all of this?”
“Yes,” I replied. “He’ll be back tomorrow morning.” Charles nodded, looking relieved.
“Stay for dinner,” Claire insisted.
Even though I didn’t have much of an appetite, I agreed because I didn’t want to be alone. Charles agreed to take a ride back up to the hospital with me after we finished eating.
The sound of my cell phone ringing startled me. I was afraid to look down and see who it was. I excused myself from the kitchen upon seeing that it was Julian.
“Julian,” I answered, sounding relieved.
“Hey, I just talked to Dr. Fowler, they put the feeding tube in,” he said.
“I’m going back up there in…” My voice cracked and I couldn’t finish talking. All I could do was cry.
“He’s going to be okay,” Julian tried to reassure me.
“You didn’t see him lying in that hospital bed when I left. I just can’t get the image out of my mind.”
“Kat, just go home and get a good night’s sleep. There’s nothing you can do for him tonight.”
“I just want to be there with him. He looked so scared and alone.”
“I know, but you just have to let him get through these next few days,” he said compassionately. “He’ll be well taken care of.”
He was right. I wasn’t allowed to see him and if anything were to happen, Dr. Fowler would notify me immediately. I needed to get some rest to be able to deal with tomorrow and the days that lay ahead.
“Please just stay positive. I’ll meet you at the hospital tomorrow. Promise me you’ll go
home and get some sleep,” he said.
“I will,” I whispered.
I knew that he was right, sleep was something that wasn’t coming easy to me lately and it was beginning to show. As I looked in the mirror hanging in Charles’ and Claire’s foyer, I realized the dark circles under my eyes were almost as big as Matty’s. My clothes were hanging off me due to my lack of appetite making my already thin body look withered.
As I hung up the phone, it amazed me at how much calmer I was compared to just a few minutes ago. I was grateful and scared at the same time. Once Matty was better, things would be back to normal. Julian would be in Chicago and I would be here. We would be splitting our time with Matty over holidays and summers. I was feeling myself needing Julian more each day, realizing that it wasn’t all due to Matty’s sickness. Each time I was around him, old feelings began to stir up inside. The more that I tried to ignore them, the stronger they became.
I was up and out the door by 7 a.m. Despite my best efforts, I didn’t sleep well. I arrived at the hospital and was able to quickly find a parking spot. I walked briskly through the cold morning air. I forgot my gloves and my hands were frozen. I buried them deep within my coat pockets, trying my best to warm them up. My hair was still damp. It felt like it was freezing on my head. When I finally entered the hospital I stood still, taking in the warm air before finally moving forward.
I reached Matty’s floor and checked in with one of the nurses on duty. “He had a very good night, Dr. Vallia,” she said, smiling. “His fever has gone down as well.” I smiled back hearing the news.
I was happy to see the curtain open on the big picture window that looked into his room. I peeked in at him sleeping. I had never wanted to cuddle with him more than I did right now. I pressed my head against the cool glass. Why did this have to happen to him? He didn’t deserve to suffer like this. I had lost both my mom and dad to cancer. I couldn’t lose Matty too.
“Kat.”
I turned around quickly to see Julian’s beautiful eyes gazing at me.
