by Rinyu, Beth
“Julian, what are you doing here so early?”
“I caught an early flight,” he said as he looked in the window at Matty. Julian had a look of apprehension on his face, which scared me. He finally took his eyes from Matty and focused on me.
“Thank you,” I said. I knew he hadn’t a clue about how much his presence meant to me right now. I was filled with emotion and seeing Matty lying there was just too much for me to take. I didn’t try to hold back the tears; I let them flow.
He looked at me compassionately, taking my hand in his. “He’s going to be okay, I promise you,” he said.
“I just hate seeing him this way.” I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“I told you this wasn’t going to be easy,” he said with a solemn look on his face. “But he will get through it.”
I trusted Julian more than anyone when it came to Matty’s care and I wanted to believe more than anything that he was going to be okay. But still it was hard for me to fathom seeing him so helpless. Julian must have seen the hesitation on my face. He pulled me close and hugged me tightly. I rested my head on his chest, breathing in his fresh clean scent and feeling so at ease for just a brief moment.
“Your hair is still wet,” he said as his hand briefly brushed against it.
“I know,” I said, not really caring.
He shook his head and gave me a warm smile. He wrapped his arm around me and I rested my head against him as we both stood silently watching Matty.
“Excuse me, Dr. Kiron, here’s a report on Matty from the last twelve hours.” The nurse who had given me the update on Matty earlier handed him a stack of papers. She looked at me compassionately as I tried wiping the last of the tears from my eyes.
He sat down on the large leather couch just outside Matty’s room, reading his records thoroughly. He reached around in his pockets looking for a pen. I pulled one from my purse and handed it to him. He began to mark up some things in the report. He ran his hand through his hair like he was deep in thought. I waited until he was done before speaking.
“The nurse said his fever’s gone down,” I said.
“It has, but his blood count isn’t going up.” He finished writing up a few more things before walking over to the same nurse who had given him the report. He spoke to her briefly as she nodded her head.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied. “I just want Dr. Fowler to adjust his medicine. Everything is going to be okay Kat, this is just a setback. The survival rate in a child Matty’s age is more than 90 percent.”
My stomach was in knots and I was amazed by Julian’s ability to remain so calm and focused hardly showing any emotion at all. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to remain strong for my benefit or if that’s just how he viewed the whole situation - the same way he would with any of his other patients.
“I realize that you can’t get attached to your patients and need to keep it all clinical. But it’s okay to break down that wall and show emotion where Matty’s concerned. He’s just as much your child as he is mine. He’s not just a cancer case; he’s a little boy who happens to love you very much. Stop giving me statistics and lecturing me and let’s just focus on our child and his survival,” I said gently.
“This is all so new to me Kat.”
“I know,” I said sympathetically. “I realize that you want to be perfect at everything you do and you are. You’re a great doctor and Matty’s father– you can be two things at once, it’s okay.”
“I’m just so afraid I’m going to screw up with him,” Julian said.
“The wonderful thing about being a parent is you can screw up; but your child will still love you unconditionally and Matty does love you very much Julian.” I could tell that I was finally breaking through to him. His eyes were becoming more emotional.
I was becoming more emotional as well and felt the overwhelming need to convey my feelings to him. “Thank you so much for everything. I know that we’ve had our difference of opinions but I truly don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.” He gazed at me intently as I continued. “I need you to know, I am really truly sorry for doing what I did to you.”
“Kat please just–,” he held up his hand and tried stopping me.
I completely ignored him. “I never wanted to hurt you; I just wanted you to be happy and I thought that’s what I was doing. It killed me inside not seeing you and not talking to you. There was no one in the world that I wanted by my side when Matty was born more than you.” I swallowed hard, fighting back the tears. “What if he doesn’t make it, Julian? All that time I took from you and now–” I couldn’t finish.
“Kat, stop thinking like that; he’s going to get through this.”
“I need to know that you forgive me, Julian.”
He moved closer to me as his eyes became softer. “I do,” he whispered. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. He pulled me closer and hugged me. He took my face in his hands, wiping away a tear. “We’ll get through this together – I promise.” He said with such sincerity in his eyes.
I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. It was as if all of a sudden an inner voice was telling me to put my fears aside – Matty was going to be okay. I didn’t know if it was Julian’s words or maybe a sign from my dad but from that moment on I knew Matty would pull through this.
Chapter 35
After three very long months in the hospital, Matty was finally being released. I had just left from visiting him and was planning on going home to prepare his room for his return home. I drove home with the windows open, letting in the late afternoon spring air. I pulled in the driveway and was fumbling around in my purse for my house key. I heard my cell phone vibrating with a text message from Tricia.
There’s a ticket for you at the door if you change your mind.
James had coordinated a big fundraising dinner for the hospital and had roped Julian into being the guest speaker. Tricia had been preparing excitedly for it for months, like Cinderella attending the ball. I had no interest in attending, given the circumstances with Matty and the fact that I didn’t feel comfortable hobnobbing with the higher-ups. I had to admit to myself that the thought of seeing Julian did excite me a little. I hadn’t been seeing very much of him now that Matty was recovering. He basically only flew in on the weekends to spend time with Matty. I knew that we had to sit down and work out a schedule for Matty soon, but I didn’t want to think about that now. I was too happy about Matty coming home tomorrow. I didn’t want to spoil my bliss by thinking about Julian being back in Chicago and me being here. As much as I was going to hate sharing holidays and juggling Matty back and forth, I hated the fact that Julian would be gone from my life again even more. Sure, he would still always be part of my life—he was Matty’s father. But in the back of my mind I wanted it to be more. We had gotten even closer over the past few months, getting through Matty’s sickness together. There was no doubt in my mind how I felt about him. He had warmed up to me so much and now he was back to being distant. It was almost as if he was reminding me again that he was here for Matty’s sake only and had no intention of rekindling what we once had together. I was angry at myself for falling for him all over again and deep down I wondered if I ever really did get over him the first time.
I was hastily going through my mail and finally threw it on the kitchen counter. I walked into Matty’s room when I realized there really was nothing left to do. I had changed his sheets, vacuumed, and dusted just two nights ago.
I jumped in the shower, deciding I would just relax for the rest of the night. I got out and put on my sweats. I flicked through the channels endlessly trying to find something to watch, unable to relax. I looked up at the clock and it was 6:15. The dinner started at 7:30. I had enough time to get myself together and make it there on time. I erased the thought from my mind, flicking through the channels once again. I turned off the TV and tossed the remote control on the couch.
I got up and wandered into the ba
throom. I plugged my flat iron in and waited for it to warm up while I applied some makeup. When I was all done I looked in the mirror at the girl staring at me, not even recognizing her. My wavy hair was poker straight and I was wearing more makeup than usual – not bad, I said to myself as I smiled at my reflection.
I went into the back of my closet and grabbed a long champagne-colored halter dress that I had bought at Nordstrom’s some time ago on clearance. It had been sitting in the back of my closet with the tags still on, just waiting for an occasion like this. I stood in front of the floor-length mirror as I slipped it on. It was a perfect fit. I slipped on my strappy sandals and realized the sequins on them matched the sequins on the neckline of my dress perfectly. I threw my wallet and my cell phone into my smaller, dressier purse, put on some big hoop earrings and gave myself one last look in the mirror.
I arrived at the banquet hall a little before 7:30. I sat in my car watching everyone shuffling in. The men all dressed in top of the line suits; some in tuxedos. The woman dressed in an array of different ensembles. Some with just little black dresses; others with all-out ball gowns.
I quickly shot Tricia a text, so she would be on the lookout for me. I changed my mind, I’m here.
I walked to the front desk where there were two older woman sitting collecting tickets.
“Hi, I believe a ticket was left here for me, Dr. Vallia.”
One of the women fumbled through the pile of tickets looking for my ticket. The other woman looked me over up and down.
“You look absolutely stunning, dear.”
“Thank you.” I smiled as the other woman handed me my ticket. I prepared myself to enter the huge ballroom that was filled with people. I was hoping that Tricia would have gotten my text and found me by now. I took a deep breath and walked in. I made my way through the crowd trying to find a familiar face. I was immediately approached by Patrick, the doctor from James’ practice that Julian assumed I was dating.
“Kat, wow you look amazing,” he said in his very Irish accent.
“Thanks, Patrick; you don’t look so bad yourself,” I said as I looked him over. Yes, he was quite handsome. Not quite as tall as Julian and his eyes weren’t as blue, but nonetheless he was very good-looking.
“How’s Matty doing?” he asked.
“Very well, thank you. He’s coming home tomorrow.”
I couldn’t contain my smile at the thought of Matty coming home or the glimpse of Julian that I caught out of the corner of my eye. He looked to be deep into conversation with the chief of staff and another bigwig from the hospital. Patrick continued talking but I was no longer paying attention. Julian finally met my gaze, doing a double-take to make sure it was me. I watched as he excused himself from the conversation and made his way over to me. Could he get any more handsome? He was dressed in a perfectly tailored suit with a crisp white button-up shirt underneath. He looked as if he had just stepped off of a GQ magazine cover.
“Hey!” I said, trying to contain my excitement and failing miserably.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” he said, surprised.
“Changed my mind; besides, I heard the guest speaker is phenomenal,” I joked.
He smiled as he assessed me up and down. “You look beautiful,” he said. The butterflies began to flutter hard in my stomach.
“Thanks - Oh Julian, this is Dr. Patrick McGinn,” I said, almost forgetting that Patrick was standing there.
Julian extended his hand as Patrick seemed enthralled at meeting him. “Dr. Kiron, it’s really a pleasure to meet you.”
Julian nodded, seeming a little cold toward Patrick.
“Well Kat, I have to go find my seat. Please tell Matty hello and remember, anytime you’re ready for that drink….” Patrick flashed me a smile and walked away.
“So, I finally get to meet your boyfriend,” Julian joked.
“Haha – very funny,” I smiled.
“Anytime you’re ready for that drink,” Julian mocked Patrick in his best Irish accent. I was a little surprised by his childish behavior but couldn’t help but laugh and then it dawned on me - Julian was jealous. “Tell Matty he says hello,” he said with disgust. “You know Kat, he’s the type of guy that tries to win over a girl’s affection through her kid.”
“Really?” I asked amused. “Is that what you do?”
“What?” He looked confused.
“Try and pick up women by winning over the affection of their kids?” I clarified.
“No, I don’t date women with kids. But, there is this one girl who I would be willing to bend the rules for,” he said with a smile.
“Really and who’s that lucky girl?” I asked.
“You,” he had a much more serious look about him now.
“Me? Oh I’m sorry but I don’t date guys with kids,” I tried my best not to laugh.
He smiled and shook his head at me. “Yeah, but my kid is awesome,” he said.
“So is mine,” I joked. “Plus he’s really adorable – looks just like his dad,” I added.
He looked at me as if he was taken a little off guard by my compliment. “Well, I’m not going to argue with you there,” he said playfully.
I was so happy to see this side of Julian, he was totally relaxed. For the past few weeks he had been so distant and now here he was joking around. So much like the man I fell in love with years ago.
“Pardon the intrusion, Dr. Kiron, but they’re ready for you,” Dr. Martin, the chief of staff said.
“I’ll be right there,” Julian sounded as if he were annoyed by the interruption.
“You better go; your fans are awaiting you.” I moved closer to adjust his tie. “There, that’s better,” I said as I walked off to find my table.
I walked around looking at the table numbers. I finally found number fourteen. Tricia was standing beside the table looking around frantically. She looked beautiful in a long yellow taffeta gown. Her olive color skin was glowing.
“Kat, there you are,” she said, sounding relieved.
“Sorry; I got detained.”
“Look at you! You look gorgeous,” she said running her fingers through my silky straight hair.
“So do you.”
James walked over to take his seat. “Kat you look hot!”
“Oh gee thanks,” I said, not really knowing if I should take that as a compliment or not.
Tricia and I sat down as the room began to quiet down. Dr. Martin stepped to the podium and gave his spiel about how much money the hospital had made this year, along with all the changes that had been implemented. He lost me about three minutes into it, painfully reminding me why I hated coming to these types of things. He was finally finishing his very long-winded speech as he began introducing Julian. My ears perked up at the sound of Julian’s name. Dr. Martin read Julian’s credentials and announced him as if he were a major celebrity. Julian approached the podium cool, calm, and collected, which was so like him. I admired his courage to speech so eloquently in front of all these people – this was something I knew I would never be able to do. After the applause finally died down he began to speak. Unlike last time, I was totally engrossed in what he had to say.
I was once told to not go on and on and brag about my accomplishments in my speech and I’ve tried to use that advice wisely over the years. So if I’m putting any of you to sleep or going on and on about myself, please feel free to stop me and let me know.
The room filled with laughter. Julian looked over at me and smiled. I shook my head and smiled back.
I was asked to come here and speak tonight about closing the gap on childhood cancer and being a hero in a child’s life and I had a speech all prepared for that. But I’ve decided to go a little off topic, because the true heroes are the children that I encounter every day who are living through cancer. Who are enduring the rigorous treatments each and every day and never giving up. We can only give them the medicine to make them better but they have to have the will to never give up. I guess I never real
ized this; I was always like a robot programmed to give the right doses of chemo and radiation and move on to the next patient. I never looked at the big picture of it all until I was able to see it from the other side when my son was diagnosed with leukemia.
There were some gasps from the room and those people who knew me and Matty’s situation were putting the pieces together realizing that Julian was Matty’s father. Tricia took my hand and I could see she was starting to get as choked up as I was. Julian continued.
Nothing in medical school and no amount of training prepares you for the true pain that it puts on the child, the parents, and everyone who loves them. Watching him suffer, in pain and crying and knowing there was nothing else in the world that I could do for him – he had to have the will to fight it and he did. So I want to say thank you to Matty for making me realize this. He’s one of the bravest kids I know. I also want to say thank you to his mom, who opened up my eyes in so many ways and made me see what really matters most in this world.
There was a loud round of applause. I wiped a tear from my eye and looked at Julian, who was staring at me.
“Oh my goodness, Kat, I can’t believe he did that. That was so sweet,” Tricia said, wiping the tears from her eyes. I shook my head, unable to speak. I had never expected Julian to express himself in such a way, and it really meant a lot to me. James and Tricia headed off to the dance floor while I remained at the table. I was deep in thought over Julian’s speech.
“Did you pay attention this time?” Julian came up from behind me, making me jump. He sat down in the empty seat next to me.
“That was a great speech,” I said.
“Do you want to dance?” he asked.
“But I thought you didn’t dance,” I teased.
“I’ve been known to make exceptions.” I stood up as he took my hand and led me to the dance floor.
He pulled me close as we began to move. “Well I’m happy to see that your dancing has improved over the years,” I mocked. He just smiled and shook his head. “I can’t believe Matty’s coming home tomorrow,” I said gleefully. Julian was silent. I looked up to meet his gaze. The look in his eyes seemed different. He made me feel as if it was just him and me in this room and not the hundreds of people surrounding us.
