A Matter of Trust

by Radclyffe

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ANY LINGERING UNEASE was dispelled as the three of them watched the show. Female impersonators were always popular, and the Cabaret troupe was exceptionally so. It was partly the elaborate costumes that ranged from outrageously flamboyant floor-length gowns with feathers and sequins and plunging necklines for some numbers to stylish evening dresses that would have befit any performer on a Las Vegas stage. In addition to the visual spectacle, the show tunes and popular songs were rendered with skill and consummate style. Some of the impersonators specialized in particular performers, such as Cher or Bette Midler or Celine Dion, much to the delight of the crowd. Jasmine, however, did not. She was not an impersonator in that sense. Her specialty was Billie Holiday-type torch songs, and she performed them straight – no jokes, no exaggerated costumes, nothing but talent, a great voice, and very excellent legs. The audience loved her.

  It was difficult for Michael to reconcile that these women were men. There was no awkwardness of motion in the clinging sheaths and high, thin heels, no hint of beard to mar the flawless make-up, and no subtle shifting to suggest that the full bodices were anything but real. Tonight she watched Jasmine with particular interest, searching for bits of Jason. The transformation was remarkable. It wasn't the outward things -- the different hair color or style, the feminine body, the expertly applied lipstick or eyeliner. It was the sultry way Jasmine walked, confident and more than a little seductive, and the throaty voice that whispered an invitation with a simple 'hello', and the look in her eyes that said she knew just how hot she was.

  "God, she is sexy," Michael commented to no one in particular.

  Sloan looked at her in surprise, and Sarah grinned.

  "Yeah, and don't she just know it!" Sarah exclaimed with obvious pride.

  "I seem to recall you weren't interested in women," Sloan grumbled good-naturedly.

  Sarah arched an eyebrow and laughed. "Jealous are we?"

  That comment got Michael's attention. She had just assumed that since Sarah was with Jason that she was straight. But she was with Sloan and that didn't mean she wasn't, did it? One thing she was quite sure of, however, was that she did not like the idea that Sloan might be attracted to Sarah. She couldn't say exactly why.

  "No point in being jealous," Sloan continued. "Any way you look at it, I can't compete with Jasmine. I could never wear one of those dresses, I can't sing, and I'd kill myself in those shoes."

  "Plus, there is the issue of Jason to consider," Sarah said, suddenly serious. "I love Jasmine's sense of humor and spirit and wild streak, but what intrigues me is knowing that Jason is there somewhere, too. I really wanted to watch him dress tonight, to see him become her."

  "I don't imagine he's ever done that," Sloan remarked. "He's very private about it."

  "It must be frightening for him to be so exposed," Michael agreed.

  Sarah was silent for a moment, considering what they had said. "I hadn't thought that he would be threatened by me seeing," she said with a shake of her head. "Not very sensitive of me, I guess. I'm clearly not as tuned in to the subtleties of all of this as I thought."

  "I'm certain that he just wants to be sure of your reaction first," Michael said gently, sensing Sarah's self-criticism. "If he cares about you, it must be terrifying not knowing if you can accept this part of him."

  Sloan stared at Michael, wondering how she could grasp the heart of the issue so quickly. She watched as Michael leaned forward and took Sarah's hand, whispering gently, "Don't be discouraged. I'm sure he needs you to keep asking. Once he finally trusts you, he'll let you closer."

  There was a tender warmth in Michael's gaze that softened her features and gave her an almost ethereal appearance. As quickly as she had been moved to desire a few moments earlier, Sloan was now touched by an emotion a great deal more dangerous. These glimpses of deep kindness and compassion captured Sloan's imagination and stirred her longing. Michael was beautiful in more than just body, however, and the depth of her gracious spirit warmed some long frozen place in Sloan's soul.

  She looked away abruptly, wishing to break the spell. She could never remember being this affected by any other woman, and she was absolutely certain this would only lead to disaster. Michael Lassiter was a woman whose life was in turmoil, and she was not someone Sloan could simply take to bed and forget about the next day. Sloan reminded herself that since Michael showed no inclination toward that anyway, it was a moot point. Sloan grimaced in frustration and looked up with relief to see Jasmine approaching. She needed something to distract her from Michael's disconcerting nearness, and Jasmine filled the order nicely.

  "Ah, the party is about to begin!" Jasmine declared as she rushed up breathlessly. She waved a hand in the direction of the stage, where a band was warming up and workers were clearing an area for dancing. She was still wearing the form-fitting red dress she had performed in, and she looked as elegant as any lady at the ball.

  "Wonderful dress," Sarah said by way of greeting.

  Jasmine slipped into the seat between Sloan and Sarah, and turned to Sarah with a smile that was just a tiny bit shy. "Thank you," she responded without a trace of her usual flirtatiousness. "I saw it in the window of a little boutique on my lunch hour one day, and I just knew it was meant for me."

  Sarah wondered briefly who had purchased it, Jason or Jasmine, but decided that that was a question best asked when Jasmine felt a little more comfortable with her. "Well, you were right."

  Jasmine smiled again, her cheeks flushing slightly, and turned to say her hellos to Michael and Sloan. The four of them chatted and commented on the who's who amongst the attendees for a few moments until the band began to play.

  Then, Jasmine stood abruptly, grasping Sloan's hand. "Come on, baby, come dance with me."

  For a moment, Sloan looked uncharacteristically disconcerted, then she shrugged helplessly and allowed Jasmine to pull her into the crowd on the dance floor. Michael and Sarah looked after them for second, then at each other and smiled.

  "Poor Sloan," Sarah laughed. "Jasmine just loves to tease her. She's the only one I've ever known who could catch Sloan off-guard. If I didn't know better, I'd actually say Sloan was flustered!"

  "I think that's because Sloan finds Jasmine attractive. I can certainly see why," Michael said with sudden insight, turning the idea over in her mind. She thought back to the story Sloan had told her about that first meeting with Jasmine, and realized that the two of them had a long and much more intimate relationship than she had ever realized. Sloan had admitted her attraction to Jasmine initially, but Michael assumed that once Sloan learned about Jason that the interest would be gone. Now, seeing Jasmine, she realized that wasn't necessarily true. Jasmine was seductive and charming and female to all appearances, so why wouldn't Sloan be affected by her attentions.

  It was Sarah's turn to be surprised. "You're right. I'm amazed I didn't see it myself." She looked at Michael with new respect.

  Michael smiled. "This is all so new to me, I have no preconceived notions of how it all works. Sloan is a lesbian, Jasmine is a sexy woman. Ergo –" She laughed, lifting her hands into the air in mock surrender.

  "Does that bother you? Sloan's response to her, I mean?" Sarah asked, curious about exactly what was happening between Michael and Sloan.

  Michael laughed a little self-consciously, wondering if Sarah was reading her mind. When she had watched Jasmine take Sloan's hand and so effortlessly lead her away, for one instant she had been jealous. Jasmine was very attractive, and the two of them looked good together. Even reminding herself that Jasmine wasn't, well, exactly all she seemed hadn't erased the slight twinge of envy when she had seen Jasmine step into Sloan's arms. She shook her head, very aware that Sarah was waiting for her response, and also aware that her thoughts were wandering down paths too fantastic to contemplate. "It's none of my business whom Sloan finds attractive," she said as lightly as she could. "Although I couldn't help but wonder if it bothers you that Jasmine and Sloan are, well,
interested or -- whatever."

  Sarah looked contemplative. "Actually, I think Jason has a little crush on Sloan, but has always known nothing could come of it. Him being a he and all. Jasmine on the other hand is free to flirt with Sloan outrageously, which she does at every opportunity." She grinned at the absurdity of the entire conversation, but continued on gamely. "That makes me a bit jealous, I guess. Since I, unlike Sloan, wouldn't mind taking Jason to bed at all."

  "What about Jasmine? Would you take her to bed, too?" Michael asked before she realized she might be overstepping the limits of her brief acquaintance with the other woman. "I'm sorry – that was awfully personal."

  "No," Sarah said, with a shake of her head. "Don't worry. And don't think I haven't considered that very question. Women in general don't usually turn me on – well, Sloan a bit, maybe –"

  "God – is there anyone she doesn't turn on?" Michael blurted, then immediately regretted it as she blushed furiously.

  Sarah pretended not to notice her embarrassment, and continued, "But Sloan and I resolved that issue years ago. Then along comes Jason, whom I liked the minute I met, as well as thinking he had the nicest butt I'd seen on a guy in years." She grinned at the memory. She had stood in the office waiting room of Sloan Security nearly open-mouthed in amazement while Jason had lectured Sloan about being on time for the afternoon appointments, and threatening her with bodily harm if she dared put off her final report to Somebody, Somebody and Somebody that was due the next morning. She expected Sloan to annihilate him at the very least, but Sloan had merely growled something that sounded a lot like 'okay' and stomped out. Jason had winked at Sarah, his impossibly blue eyes sparkling with delight, and she had gotten warm and wet in places that didn't usually feel that way at one o'clock in the afternoon.

  "Sarah?" Michael asked, confused by the slightly vacant look on Sarah's face and the long silence.

  Sarah jumped, then smiled self-consciously. "Oh, sorry. Anyhow -- then I meet Jasmine at the club and thought she was funny and outrageous, and I liked her a lot, too. When I found out the connection, it was just so amazing. The more I saw of them, the more I thought of them as two people, but not totally separate. So when I think about Jasmine –" She hesitated, then put into words what she had been avoiding, even in her own mind. "When I think about undressing her, and finding Jason there somewhere, it makes me pretty hot."

  Michael shook her head. "It certainly makes the usual arrangements seem pretty boring!"

  Sarah looked at her for a second, then grinned as she realized that Michael understood exactly what she had been saying. "God, it’s nice to find someone who gets it! I've haven't known how to talk about it to anyone without having it sound too bizarre."

  "One thing I've discovered in the last few weeks is that nothing that I thought I knew about life, or myself, is necessarily true," Michael said with a touch of regret. "Least of all what being with someone is all about. Or even the why and the how of it all."

  "I think what they say about falling in love when you least expect it, and with the most unexpected person, just might be true," Sarah responded quietly. She had heard the edge of pain in Michael's voice.

  "I think you're right about that," Michael said as she watched Sloan and Jasmine dancing. Funny, that they should look so good together when it was all illusion. She wondered at her own bewilderment and confusion. Was that what it had been with her and Jeremy? All just illusion?

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  SLOAN ATTEMPTED TO hold Jasmine at a decorous distance, her right hand resting lightly at the base of Jasmine's back in the slight hollow just above her very nice little butt. With her other she enfolded Jasmine's hand, which was surprisingly just a bit smaller than her own, and held it lightly against her own chest. The floor was fairly crowded with couples of all gender and combinations, but even so, she didn't think the proximity of the other dancers quite warranted the closeness with which Jasmine moved against her.

  "Jasmine," Sloan said softly.

  Jasmine tilted her head back and smiled innocently. "Yes?"

  "Are you trying to ruin my reputation?" Sloan said, maneuvering them confidently between the other couples nearby. She was an expert dancer, and used to leading. Jasmine, for her part, followed effortlessly, slowly moving her hips against Sloan's pelvis. A little closer than she needed to but just exactly where she wanted to be.

  "Whatever do you mean? Ruin your reputation?" she laughed, settling herself more comfortably against the length of Sloan's lean body. She gyrated subtly, but enough to feel Sloan's muscles tighten. Her voice low, she continued, "I don't think you need me to do that."

  Sloan was aware of the warmth of Jasmine's body pressed against her chest, her belly, and her thighs. She knew damn well what was underneath that sheer delicate silk of Jasmine dress, and that it wasn't exactly what fulfilled her fantasies, but that contradictory fact didn't quite penetrate through to her autonomic nervous system. The part of her that was physical, and sexual, and totally beyond her rational control, saw and felt a woman in her arms.

  There wasn't a single thing about Jasmine that said male. She was soft in all the right places, smooth in just the right places, and curved in precisely the right places. Jasmine fit against Sloan completely naturally, and if that wasn't enough, she knew exactly how to move to inflame every sensitive spot on Sloan's body. Sloan knew damn well her heart was pounding hard enough for Jasmine to feel it, and there was a tremor starting in her legs.

  "Damn it, Jasmine," Sloan said through gritted teeth. "This is no place for a display." She glanced over at the table where Michael and Sarah were watching them with faintly amused expressions and felt color rise to her face. She was oddly embarrassed, and hoped Michael didn't know why.

  Finally Jasmine took pity on her, and moved away a fraction of an inch. She liked to play with Sloan, and usually Sloan didn't seem to mind, but tonight she sensed not only Sloan's faint desire, but her discomfort. As much as some part of her enjoyed the heady feeling of turning on the handsome and oh so unattainable dark-haired Romeo, she knew enough to stop before things got out of hand – for either of them. Sloan wasn't the only one whose heart was tripping a little faster, or whose belly fluttered with those first whispers of wanting. As much as the sensation was pleasurable, their friendship was more important. One night, one hour even, of mutual exploration, no matter how exciting that might be – and she had no doubt that a roll in the sack with Sloan would be wild beyond her dreams - wouldn't be worth the aftermath. They couldn't have a relationship, let alone a life together, and giving in to their physical attractions would destroy what they did have. Too much to lose, and glancing across the room to where the other women sat watching them, she realized there was another reason now, too. Sarah was smiling at her.

  Then Sarah winked, and some long-guarded barrier in Jasmine's soul cracked just a bit. Sarah seemed to understand exactly who she needed to be, and how she needed to feel. No one had ever come close to understanding her before. It was so overwhelming that it frightened her to death. She was afraid that she would get used to how good it made her feel. And then she might begin to dream. Hope and dreams were the narcotics of a lonely heart, lulling one into believing happiness could actually be attained. The despair that followed when the empty promises were revealed was devastating.

  As much as she ached to have Sarah know her, she rebelled at the thought of relinquishing her defenses. She had done that once, and her life had been destroyed. If she let another woman close, only to be deserted, her soul would crumble. Anger and fear warred with her desire to believe that Sarah could be different. The old hurts still festered, rejection and humiliation still burned, and she wanted to lash out. Sloan was in the path of her pain, and she said without thinking, "What's the matter, Sloan? Are you afraid that Michael will find out that you have no self-control? I would imagine she already knows that. You must have taken her to bed by now."

  Sloan stiffened instantly, her jaw bunching with swift rage. "Michael has
absolutely nothing to do with this, Jasmine. This is about you and me, and the fact that you seem to enjoy offering what you won't deliver."

  Jasmine stepped completely out of the circle of Sloan's arms, her anger rapidly replaced by hurt. "I've never offered you anything, Sloan. You might find this hard to believe, but one night stands are your specialty, not mine."

  Jasmine turned, head held high, and moved sensuously back through the crowd to the table. Sloan stared after her for second, cursing herself under her breath. It hadn't been Jasmine's fault; she knew damn well Jasmine was only playing. It wasn't the first time in their lives that had happened. She had over-reacted badly at the suggestion that she would take Michael to bed like - well, like some of her other dates. Casually, without any real thought to the consequences. It wasn't as if she ever made any promises, or even planned for it to happen. If, in the course of an evening, it seemed like she and whomever she happened to be with chose to continue their conversation in bed, what was the harm? They were adults, and no suggestion of anything long-term was ever implied. Why not share a little mutual pleasure?

  Sloan looked at Michael, her face in profile as she leaned close to Sarah to share some thought, her hand resting easily on Sarah's arm. Sloan knew she could never take her to bed for a night. She swallowed and looked away, trying to dispel the lingering image of Michael's aching beauty. One night would never be enough, and that was exactly what the problem was. She hadn't wanted more than a night, or anything beyond that level of commitment, in many years. She certainly didn't want it now.

  Damn. She took a deep breath and started toward the table to give Jasmine the apology she deserved. She was almost there when a voice at her elbow stopped her.

  "Now I see why you couldn't bring me to this little affair," a tall attractive brunette said loudly enough to catch the attention of everyone at Sloan's table as well as those nearby.