by Kyra Lennon
I went into Drew’s flat, closing the unlocked door behind me, and headed for the living room expecting to see Jason zoned out in the chair he’d barely moved from in two days. He’d been clean for eight days, only because he’d been forced to stay with Drew so he wouldn’t be on his own for too long during the worst part of the withdrawal. For the first few days, Jason was restless and angry to the point of violence. He made his feelings clear when he kicked and shattered Drew’s 42-inch television screen, then attempted to smash a window with the remote. But as time wore on, he’d become quieter. His sleeping patterns were messed up, and without cocaine in his system to keep him wired, he’d grown lethargic.
He wasn’t in the chair.
Jason sat on the floor, shaking as he struggled to make neat lines out of the white powder in front of him.
My stomach lurched. His hair was lank, greasy, and he looked as though he’d been wearing the same clothes for days. What happened to the Jason Brooks I used to know? The one who always had a smile on his face. Always eager to book the next gig, always wanting to rehearse and write new songs. He’d gone. He’d been gone for a while, but I was done mourning the loss of the boy I’d worshipped during my teen years. Instead, rage ripped through me.
“Where did you get that?”
He jumped at the sound of my voice, his hand slipping, and knocking some of his charlie onto Drew’s carpet.
“Ellie,” he stammered. “I… It’s not-”
The little colour left in his cheeks drained away, highlighting the darkness under his eyes. He clumsily got to his feet.
“Where did you get it?”
“I... I... It…”
“Have you used any of it yet?”
He shook his head, but his eyes flashed with the hunger to score.
“Get rid of it. You get rid of it now, and I won’t tell Drew.”
Not to save your ass, but because I cannot stand the idea of putting him through any more of your crap.
Watching Jason’s downhill spiral had left both Drew and me helpless. No amount of interventions, or trying to show him what would happen if he kept using made him understand how much damage he was doing to himself. Drew made me promise not to tell their father how much trouble he was in, but during the last few months, it had become impossible to hide. Still, it all fell on Drew to clean up the mess; not because their dad didn’t want to help, but because Drew wanted to protect him from dealing with Jason while he was at his worst. He hurt in ways I couldn’t fix with kind words, and my patience with Jason ran out a little more every time I heard Drew’s heart breaking during our – now regular – evening phone calls.
“I need it, Ellie.”
He looked down at his fingers, his hand twitching to get even the smallest speck of powder inside him. The tiny white particles clung to his fingertips.
“It’s been eight days, Jason. Don’t ruin it. Please.”
He took in a ragged breath. “You need to leave.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you’ve cleaned that up.”
“I mean it, Ellie.”
His tone darkened. A smart person would have run away screaming. I knew first-hand how strong Jason was when he was desperate for a hit; I still had the bruises on my arms from the last time, but I refused to let him snort another line.
“I’m not messing around here. I will vacuum that shit up if you don’t. We’re not going through this again.”
He turned away as if he hadn’t heard me. Before he could get back on his knees, I grabbed at his musty-smelling t-shirt and yanked him towards me, causing him to stumble. He crashed into me, the base of my spine colliding hard with the dining table. I let out a yelp of agony while Jason twisted around, pinning me in place. The pungent smell of his breath on my face made me flinch. “I told you to get out!”
I didn’t want to be scared.
He’s my best friend, I don’t need to be scared.
But his face contorted with anger, and he pressed me harder into the table, his hands digging into my hips so hard I felt new bruises forming beneath them.
“When are you going to understand? You can’t help me! This is who I am, okay? So, you and Drew, and everyone else who thinks you can fix me – just fucking stop!”
The physical pain I felt began to fade as a fresh wave of fury pumped through my veins. My whole body trembled, but I gathered my strength and screamed, “This is not who you are!”
“How the hell would you know? You haven’t been around for months!”
“I was right here! I was here, but you pushed me away! You kept pushing, and I still kept coming back!”
“Well nobody asked you to!” He loosened his grip on me, but not before shoving me into the table once more. Another jolt of pain ripped through my spine, but I refused to crumble.
“You know what you are?” Jason kicked the side of the sofa with his bare foot. “You’re a goody-goody. You and Drew. You’re both the same. Always trying to fix things. Always trying to turn people into something they’re not. This is me, Ellie! I take drugs. I like drugs. They’re better than people. People make me feel like shit! You make me feel like shit!”
Tears pricked my eyes then spilled over. I never treated him badly, not once. I kept treating him the same way as always, pretending nothing was wrong in the hope that somewhere inside him, the real Jason was still alive.
And it meant nothing to him. I meant nothing.
Angrily brushing away my tears, I straightened up. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. Instead, he repeatedly kicked at the sofa, and I strode past him to sit down on the floor, right where I’d found him. He grabbed my hair but before he could pull, I smacked his hand away.
“Ellie, I swear to God, if you touch that, I’ll kill you.”
I didn’t doubt his threat, but I was too angry to care.
“I want some.”
The words flew out of my mouth easily. I wanted to know what was so damn good about cocaine that Jason couldn’t, wouldn’t give it up. I had to know.
I reached out to straighten up the cocaine lines, but he yanked me to my feet. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Is it the money?” I shoved my hand into my jeans pocket and closed my fingers around a twenty pound note. “I’ll pay.”
Jason gripped my shoulders tightly. “Stop it,” he snarled. “Stop it!”
“You always tell me how good it feels to score, so let me find out for myself. Come on, Jason. Show me what to do!”
He stared at me, his eyes burning with hatred. “Don’t joke about that.”
“Do I look as if I’m fucking joking? Let me have some.”
“No!”
As he spat the word out, his fist connected with my cheek, knocking me to the floor. I curled up into a ball as the shock of his blow and the ache in my back overtook me. My limbs felt heavy, weak, lifeless.
“Ellie.”
Jason sank to his knees, his hands resting on my shoulders but all I could feel was the crippling agony from everything he’d done to me, like razors, piercing at my skin.
Piercing at my heart.
“Ellie, I’m so sorry. Please, tell me you’re okay. Please.”
An ear-splitting shriek ripped from my throat, followed by heavy, body-quivering sobs, and I fell onto my side, clutching my knees to my chest as if it would keep me safe from the pain.
It couldn’t. Nothing could.
Jason shuffled closer, leaning over me, and a hot tear that wasn’t my own landed on my cheek. I didn’t want to feel his guilt, or his regret. I didn’t want to forgive him for hitting me, or for the things he said. His tears rained down on me, but I didn’t move.
Time passed. Maybe seconds, maybe minutes. Probably not hours. From my position on the floor, I felt Jason suddenly grow tense.
“What the hell?”
I closed my eyes and covered my ears. Drew was going to kill him.
Snippets of yelling drifted around me until Drew softly spoke my name. He took my hands, ex
posing my throbbing cheek, and helped me to the sofa.
“Look at me, Ells.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to hold myself together. “I can’t.”
“Please.”
After a moment, I turned towards him. He knelt beside me, his eyes lingering on the mark where Jason’s fist struck me.
“I’m so sorry. I should never have left him.”
With a single shake of my head, I said, “Not your fault.”
“It is my fault. I shouldn’t have trusted him to stay here, but I had to go to Dad’s and-”
“Stop. Stop blaming yourself for his screw ups.”
My back twinged, making me jump. My back. From when Jason pushed me into the table. Where he screamed at me. Told me I made him feel like shit.
Drew bundled me into his arms, holding me tightly and I wept into his shoulder until there were no tears left. My head ached. Everything ached. I wanted a long, hot bath but the idea of going home and telling my family what happened made me feel sick. I couldn’t face their questions yet.
“Can I stay here?” I reluctantly peeled myself away from him so I could wipe my eyes. “I want to stay here. With you.”
“Yeah. Of course you can.”
“Thanks.”
“Ellie,” he began, then paused and shook his head.
“What?”
“Jason said… He said he hit you because you were going to snort his coke.”
I nodded. “I was so angry, Drew, I couldn’t think clearly. He wouldn’t let me get near.”
“Did you hear what he said to me?”
“No.”
Drew pushed my hair from my face, and touched my non-bruised cheek. “He said he had to stop you because he didn’t want you to go through what he’s going through. That he would never, ever let you be as stupid as he is. But I don’t think he realised it until after he hit you.”
“I know he’s sorry. I do. I just don’t care right now.”
My heart ripped apart in my chest because I’d never imagined a time when I wouldn’t want Jason around. He was as much a part of my life as my own family. But he’d hurt me in ways I never thought he was capable of and I didn’t want to hear his apologies. Didn’t want him near me.
Jason reached for my arm, but I snatched up the wrap of cocaine as I came out of my trance, and clambered over the bed away from him.
“Ellie, come on,” he said, the lightness of his voice unable to disguise the panic in his eyes.
“You lecture me on keeping secrets, and you’re carrying this in your pocket?” My hands shook because I didn’t want to be holding cocaine, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to give it back to him.
A second ago, he had screamed at me for lying about me and Drew, now I was quivering and clutching around sixty pounds worth of Class A drugs. “What is wrong with you? How could you-?”
“I’m not using, Ellie. Please sit down and listen.”
No way. I needed to be on my feet so I could pace, but the only way I’d know for sure if he was lying was by looking intently at his face. Staring hard to find the truth. Reluctantly, I sat cross-legged on the bed, and Jason perched on the edge, sensible enough not to get too close.
“This isn’t as bad as it looks. The coke was offered to me at the club last night. I told the bloke no, but he practically had it lined up for me. Said it was a freebie for a rock star, and I should stay in touch if I wanted some more. I didn’t use any of it, I swear. I left the club straight away and came back here.” He wiped his palms on his jeans, his body rocking back and forth.
Right there. The problem with fame. Until Drew’s television appearance, when he unleashed all Jason’s secrets, nobody knew of his drug addiction. Stories about celebrities being given freebies weren’t exactly unusual, and Jason’s past made him way too easy a target for dealers.
“Why did you keep it?” I asked, not letting my focus waver from him. “Why didn’t you flush it?”
He closed his eyes. “I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I never had any intention of snorting a single line, but when I tried to get rid of it... I couldn’t.”
I glared at him. “Dammit, Jason! After all this time? After all you went through to get off it? This is so bloody typical of you. The spotlight leaves you for five minutes, and you do this!”
“Do you seriously think I planned for you to see this? Jesus, you sound like Drew already! He thinks I’m a narcissistic prick but I’m not, and I’m not an idiot. The last thing I need is you on my case about cocaine I wasn’t going to use!”
“So you weren’t planning to use it, just keep it forever as a weird symbol of your willpower?”
“I don’t know!” Jason threw himself backwards on the bed, his head landing close enough to my feet that I could kick some sense into him – if I were a violent person. I’d already hurt him, suggesting he did this for attention. It was a Drew-like thing to say, but in the moment, I’d been unable to censor my words before they flew out. Jason didn’t need to seek out attention, it naturally found him, and he would never have been stupid enough to plant drugs on himself as a way to point the spotlight back to him. He wasn’t that desperate for publicity.
“You have to throw it away. Now.”
“I know. I know.”
Silently, I watched as he breathed deeply. His hair splayed all around him, and angry as I was that he’d crossed a dangerous line, I felt his despair. He wasn’t lying when he told me he wasn’t going to use, or at least, he didn’t intend to. But the lure of cocaine still had a grip on him, even after two years clean.
“I’ll never go back down that road again, Ellie. But... I need you to help me right now.”
“What can I do?”
“Don’t tell anyone. Especially not Drew.”
“Oh, come on. You can’t ask me to-”
“Ellie, please.” Jason sat up, pulling his legs onto the bed. “He can’t find out about this.”
I would have been slightly less concerned about lying to Drew if we were still just friends. Or maybe not. Since our relationship had changed, the not getting in the middle thing was much harder.
Bloody hell.
Drew is already struggling with everything Jason did before. If he finds out Jason has drugs right now, he’ll never forgive him. If we get rid of the cocaine immediately, it’ll be done.
Except, you’ll have lied.
“Don’t,” I stood up. “Don’t give me the beggy eyes. We just argued about how messed up everything gets because of lies, and now you want me to do it again?”
I squeezed the wrap of cocaine between my fingers, hoping I could make it vanish along with every other nightmare that had happened since I woke up.
“Please,” Jason said.
“I believe you didn’t intend to use this. But now the temptation is back-”
“It never goes away, Ellie. It’s better. Easier every day. But it never goes away. On the rough days, there’s still a voice in my head telling me I can make all my problems go away with a quick fix. Last night was the worst I’ve felt in a long time, and that dealer put the solution right in my hands.” Again, he paused to wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans. “I could feel it. The buzz. I knew how good it would feel to take the hit and forget everything, and I hated myself for it. For being so fucking weak, because you’re right, Ellie. It’s been two years. It should be over.”
I used to know this. When Jason first spiralled out of control, I learned everything I could about cocaine addiction. I spent hours trawling the internet to soak up every bit of information. I knew the risks, the withdrawal process, I learned about triggers, and I understood there wasn’t an end. I sobbed while reading some of the most heart-breaking stories, not knowing if one day Jason would end up the same way. Another sad story, leaving behind a grieving family and friends to ask themselves what they could have done to change the ending.
Time had healed the physical wounds Jason inflicted on me, but locked away in a corner of my mind, I remembered every detail. Sometime
s I could still hear the smack of his hand hitting my face, and feel the agonising realisation that everything I did, all the time I’d spent learning ways to help him were for nothing because I couldn’t help. Not then.
“You couldn’t flush it,” I said, my voice trembling. “That’s the part I’m worried about.”
He turned to look me in the eye. “If ever there was a time I needed it, last night was it. The morning after, the coke’s still all wrapped up. Doesn’t that count for something?” Jason stood in front of me, his hands on my shoulders. “I’m so sorry. I’ve messed everything up, but I’ve never needed your help more. Please, help me get rid of this and don’t tell Drew. Please.”
Help me.
I nodded, tears filling my eyes as I sent up a silent prayer I was doing the right thing. “Okay. Okay.”
Relief made him fling his arms around me. I shrugged him off and went to the bathroom, unwrapping Jason’s stash and shaking it off the cling film and into the toilet. When every speck had gone, I stuffed the wrapper inside an empty shampoo bottle in the bin and went to the sink to wash my hands. The hot water burned my skin as I scrubbed all traces of the drugs away. Therapeutic. If only soap could wash away guilt.
You could tell him. Tell Drew, and the guilt will be gone.
My heart lurched as I thought of him because the situation wasn’t that straightforward. Revealing the truth would only intensify the old resentment, put the band under strain they didn’t need, and for what? A one-off. I’d known Jason long enough to spot a lie, and everything he said was true. I felt it.
“Jesus, Ellie, stop!”
Jason grabbed my waist, pulling me out of my thoughts and away from the sink, hands bright red from the violent scrubbing I’d subjected them to. I stared down at them, realising tears were streaming from my eyes.
“Here.” He took a towel from the rail, and gently dabbed my raw digits so as not to hurt them more.
There he is.
The Jason from the old days, who would rather throw himself in front of a bus than risk causing me pain. I didn’t see this guy often anymore. Our friendship was solid enough to survive the changes he went through, but he could never go back to who he used to be. Too much had happened. These little glimpses of my first ever best friend reminded me he still lived, deep inside the man who stood with me now.
