by Kyra Lennon
“What can I do to make this okay?”
“You could tell Drew, and not make me do this. You could not put me in the position where I have to lie to him.”
“Ellie-”
“I know. I know why you can’t. But I don’t… I don’t want to be-”
“If I could do today again, I would. I don’t want you in this position either. I’ll do anything else for you, but I can’t tell him.”
I had to try. It didn’t lessen my guilt any, and I knew what Jason’s answer would be before I asked the question. The worst part was, I understood why he didn’t want Drew to find out. It would tear them apart, rip another hole in their already damaged relationship. I couldn’t see any other way to protect both of them besides keeping Jason’s secret.
Even if it killed me to do it.
“All I need from you is a promise you’ll never touch cocaine again. Not even if someone tries to force you.”
He stopped drying my hands, and his fingers closed around mine. “I can do that.”
He meant it. Maybe more than anything he’d ever said in his life. I only hoped it would be as easy to resist the temptation the next time someone presented him with a quick fix, because there would be a next time. That much I was sure of.
Jason wrapped his arms around me again, and I hugged him back.
“I’m sorry. For the way I acted last night. And for... for bringing up the stuff from the past.”
Right. The stuff none of us ever spoke about.
“Why did you?”
“Because I am a narcissistic prick,” Jason said, and I let out a small laugh. “This thing with you and Drew has nothing to do with me, or us, or anything that happened when we were younger. It’s just... I always thought of you as mine. My Ellie. The girl who never gave up on me when you had so many reasons to walk away and never come back. You being with Drew scared me because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want the way he thinks of me to affect the way you think of me.” I pulled back from him a little, and he continued, “I’m not blind. I’ve seen how he’s been around me the last few weeks. I know what this feud is doing to him. To both of us.”
“Why didn’t you say so? Why didn’t you talk to him?”
“Because… you know how he is. He’ll only hear when he’s ready.”
True story.
I should have given Jason more credit. It wasn’t fair of me to assume he didn’t notice the problems because he never complained. The small part of me that held onto the pain Jason caused allowed me to believe he was selfish and oblivious. When it came to Drew, I should have expected more from him.
“He’s my brother, Ellie. I love him, but he’s not the only one who’s still angry.”
With the weight of everything that had happened in the hour since I woke up, the extremes of emotion, I suddenly felt exhausted. Too exhausted for an in-depth conversation about how to patch up years of issues between the brothers, and way too tired to deal with gossip-hungry journalists.
“Can you make this mess over me and Drew go away? I’m not news, Jason. I’m an ordinary girl who fell in love with an extraordinary man, and I want to be with him in peace.”
Jason took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. His eyes softened and he nodded.
“I’m sorry. Give me an hour or two and I’ll fix it. I promise.”
True to his word, Jason didn’t waste any time calling Derek to implement some damage control. Razes Hell fans weren’t the kind to be interested in tabloid gossip. For the most part, they were quite an emo crowd, but the readers of celebrity news found the whole “love triangle” aspect fascinating. I’d taken a quick peek at some of the more popular gossip websites on my iPad, and seeing grainy, unflattering shots of myself, and guesses about what really happened did nothing to cheer me up.
While I waited for Derek to arrive at the hotel, I called my mum back. If she had any idea what Drew was doing to me during our last call, she didn’t mention it, thankfully. I reluctantly agreed to us having dinner with our families later, even though Drew and Jason weren’t talking and it would be awkward as hell. Making arrangements took my mind off the news, and Jason’s near-dabble with drugs. I also received an email from Janet Black, asking me to take some time to carefully read the terms of the attached contract for the illustrating job. Not a problem. It would probably be a few days before I had the brain power to take it all in.
Derek arrived at the hotel in less than an hour, and when he got to my room, he was not his usual put-together self. What was left of his grey hair flapped on one side, and his shirt and trousers were unusually crumpled, as if he’d been attacked by an angry mob.
An angry mob of journalists.
“Okay, we need to sort this out fast,” Derek said, trying to tidy his hair. “Those reporters want blood, and if I don’t give them something, they’re going to get pissed off.”
“Wow, way to calm me down. So, what’s the plan?”
Derek shrugged. “First you have to tell me what’s happening.”
“Didn’t Jason explain?”
“He told me that you and Drew are together, and the rest I read in the paper.”
“What else do you need?”
“I need to know what you want from this.”
“I want this to go away!” I tried not to shriek at the only person who had a shot at helping. “I don’t want to be the girl who might have caused the fake feud; I want to be the girl I was yesterday. The one I’ve always been, who stays in the background. Can you make that happen?”
Derek watched me thoughtfully. In fact, he stared so intently, I wondered if I had food in my teeth. “You’re unusual, Ellie. You’re an artist, and you’ve been given a huge platform to launch your career from. Are you sure you don’t want it?”
“I’m sure. I’ve been asked to illustrate a children’s book, and I got the job through my own hard work. I want to keep it that way. Fame is not my thing.”
“Okay. But you need to understand what you’re getting into here. Everyone’s gone nuts for Razes Hell, and like it or not, if you’re with Drew, you’re going to get attention. I’m talking constant speculation, cameras in your face, strangers shouting crap at you in the street and the occasional death threat from jealous fans. Are you ready for it?”
If our relationship hadn’t been forced into the open, nobody would care who I was. Thanks to the wonderful people who invented camera and video phones, that dream was dead. Derek was right, though. Even if we didn’t court publicity, the bigger the band got, the more people would want to snoop inside our lives. It was so easy for outsiders to intrude, with social media giving hundreds of thousands of people a tip-off to someone’s whereabouts in seconds.
But you have Drew. The beginning of a panic attack at the immense upturn my life was about to go through eased as I thought of him. He’d always kept me safe, even before we got together. Now, he was mine, so if we were forced to share a little bit of what we had with the world sometimes, it would be worth it. Being with him was worth it.
“There are plenty of wives and girlfriends of famous people who don’t flaunt who they are. This has all started off in the worst way, and I don’t want anyone to think I’m with Drew to promote my own career. So, yes. I’m ready to take whatever comes, but I will stay out of the spotlight as much as I can because it’s not mine. It belongs to the band.”
Again, Derek silently gazed at me, admiration growing in his eyes. “You’re a good girl, Ellie.”
“You say that as if you doubted me.”
“I didn’t. You’ve been with the guys through everything so I know you’re not a hanger-on who wants to be associated with rock stars. But people with the best of intentions sometimes lose who they are when an opportunity comes along. Whether you see it or not, this is an opportunity for you.” He paused, and blew out a breath. “If you want this to go away, I’ll release an official statement this morning explaining there was a misunderstanding, and any in-band fighting had nothing to do with
you. Your name’s already out there, but I won’t mention it again, and if reporters contact you, don’t speak to them. Don’t react if they follow you. Keep walking, pretend you can’t see them. If you don’t give them any gossip, they’ll lose interest.”
“That’s it? That’s all there is to it?”
“Yes. Journalists are like flocks of seagulls. If you feed them a tiny morsel of food, they’ll keep on coming back for more. If you don’t, they’ll lurk, waiting, then move on when someone else throws them a crumb.”
I smiled. “So. No crumbs for the reporters.”
“Exactly. Now,” Derek added, “I’ve arranged for a couple of cars to meet you at the back entrance. You can decide between yourselves who goes in which car, but you’re not going back on the train. I talked to the band before I came in here, and they’ll be ready to go when you are.”
“Wait. You arranged for two cars to take us back to St. Ives?”
Derek nodded. “You need to be safe, and the only way to ensure you are is to have you driven home.”
“What about the band’s equipment?”
“I’ll drive the van home myself.”
So, he does care. Not once had I ever seen anything from him but greed and a desire to push his way to the top through any means necessary.
“Thank you, Derek.”
“No problem. I’m gonna sort this statement out now, so you should pack up and get out of here as soon as you can.”
It didn’t take long to throw my clothes, shoes and phone back in my bag, and head down the hall to Drew’s room. Only a couple of hours had passed, but waking up beside him seemed a million years ago. I needed his arms around me, to feel connected to him again, and to lose myself in that place where everyone and everything else ceased to exist.
My plan was scuppered when I entered Drew’s room and the whole band was in there. Not a hint of the camaraderie from the night before remained. The tension was so thick, it was comparable to being smacked in the face with a cricket bat. Everyone’s bags were strewn on the floor, and I threw mine on the heap. “What’s going on?”
Mack’s gaze flicked between Drew and Jason. “Everything’s fine,” he said. “We should probably be on our way soon.”
“Good idea.” Drew picked up our bags. “Ellie and I will share a car; you three can take the other one.”
Drew started towards the door, not giving me a second to figure out why everyone was so tense.
“Wait,” I said. “Jason, are you okay?”
Waves of irritation from Drew threatened to knock me to the floor. Leaving without checking on Jason was not an option, though. Not after the morning’s events.
“I’m fine. I’ll call you later.”
Silently, I asked him again, hoping he read the bigger question in my eyes. ‘Are you really okay? Do you need me? ‘ He gave me a reassuring smile and a small shake of his head, easing my concern a little. Something still wasn’t right, but I trusted he’d be fine with Mack and Joey.
“Okay. I guess we’ll see you later.”
The second Drew and I left the room, I grabbed his wrist, making him stop. “Hey. Do you want to tell me what happened in there?”
Drew shook his head. “It’s not important.”
“Not important? It was important enough to silence a room full of musicians who should be celebrating right now.”
“Hard to celebrate when my brother screwed you over, and you don’t seem to care that this mess is all his fault.”
My heart sank, not because I didn’t expect this, but because I’d hoped Drew would at least try to understand my position in all of the chaos. Did he expect me not to care how Jason felt after this gigantic bombshell was dropped on him?
“I care, but it’s done now. He apologised, he got Derek to come here to sort it out. What more can he do?”
Drew stared at me, his expression cold enough to raise goose bumps across my skin. “It’s really that easy for you, isn’t it?”
It might not have been if I hadn’t been distracted by the cocaine. Jason staying clean concerned me way more than his tantrum. Of course, I’d promised I wouldn’t tell Drew, which seemed like a massive mistake the longer he fixed his icy glare on me. Keeping the peace between them – or at least not making things worse – depended on me not telling Jason’s secret. No matter how much I hated the look on Drew’s face.
“It has to be,” I said. “I don’t want to be eaten up with anger for the rest of my life about stuff I can’t change.”
“Like me, you mean?”
I shook my head. “Don’t try to pull me into a fight. It’s been a hell of a morning, and I’m not up for arguing.”
“I’m not trying to argue, I’m trying to understand how you can be so okay with what he did!”
A door opened, and a young couple stepped out of their room, pausing to do a double take as they passed us. They stared, as if waiting for us to continue our argument, as if we were reality TV stars putting on a show for their enjoyment. To their credit, they didn’t linger when we stayed silent, but I was done being in front of people. I grabbed Drew’s arm and dragged him back into his room.
Jason, Mack and Joey were picking up their belongings ready to head home. They stopped as we entered, and I said, “Mack, Joey, could you give us a few minutes, please?”
The guys nodded, picking up their bags as Drew dropped ours back on the floor. Once they left, I took a deep breath. “We need to talk.”
Drew and Jason refused to look at each other; I stood between them, heart racing. My body felt heavy, as if I’d emerged from a nightmare, only to find it was my reality. If the worst thing to happen that morning was me finding myself splashed all over the tabloids, I would have coped. But it was never just about me. It was about Drew and Jason too, and how our lives all tangled together like my grandma’s bag of knitting yarn. She used to dump it out on the floor, prod around with the threads, then give up, deciding it was all too difficult before throwing it back in the bag. That’s how we were. Strands, knotted together. Occasionally, one of us would tug in the hopes it would all unravel, but mostly, we stayed the same. Sometimes the knots got tighter. But the end result was always us stuffing it away so we didn’t have to deal.
“This has to stop. It hurts me to watch you slowly destroying yourselves. Neither of you want to make the first move in sorting this out so I’m doing it for you. Whatever you want to say to each other, say it. Now. Start talking so you can fix this.”
Jason shook his head, leaning back against the wall, and Drew sat down on the bed with a look of defiance on his face, letting me know he had no intention of speaking first.
Jason wasn’t kidding when he said Drew would only hear when he was ready.
“You can’t fix us, Ellie,” Jason said. “If you thought it would be easy, you’d have done this before now.”
He was right. This was never going to be a one conversation thing. Plus, it wasn’t my place to heal their rift, only to be there for them both while they worked it out for themselves. Unfortunately, it had become increasingly clear they were incapable, or unwilling, to do that.
“Please. Can’t you try? You haven’t spoken to each other without arguing since yesterday.”
“We wouldn’t have argued if Jason hadn’t fucked everything up.”
Jason’s shoulders slumped, his hair hung limply around his shoulders. “Yeah, we just had this fight. I fuck things up, and he comes along and clears up all my mess. I know the story. I’ve been hearing it most of my life. I’m an ungrateful tosser who doesn’t appreciate him.”
As a friend, you are useless.
How could I have not seen Jason was in as much pain as Drew? He bounced back from everything without complaining but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel anything. Sometime between him finding out about me and Drew, and our earlier conversation, a door had been opened. A door which, in some ways, had been bolted tighter than Drew’s.
“Is that what you think this is about?” Drew demand
ed. “You think I give a shit that you don’t appreciate me? You never have, I don’t expect you to start now.”
Jason’s head snapped up. “Why don’t you tell me what it is about? Maybe then you can stop using Ellie as a way to prove how much better you are than me.”
My heart stopped, and Drew flew to his feet, grabbing Jason’s shirt and shoving him hard against the wall. “You can say whatever you want about me, but don’t ever suggest my feelings for Ellie aren’t real.”
I’d seen Drew angry a lot of times, but I’d never seen him move so fast, or lay a finger on anyone. It wasn’t a side of him I wanted to see again.
With shaking hands, I tried to pull him away but his grip stayed firm. “Drew, stop.”
“Did you hear what he said?”
“I heard him, but it’s not... I don’t think he-”
“I think what Ellie’s trying to say,” Jason interrupted, pushing Drew off, “is that I wasn’t saying your feelings aren’t real. But don’t try and tell me you didn’t get a kick out of rubbing it in my face.”
Oh God. Why won’t he let this drop?
“Jason, you never wanted me that way. Not for anything more serious than a few kisses when we were young and drunk.”
“But you were my best friend.”
“How has that changed?” I asked, looking right into his eyes. Again, we communicated in complete silence and I used our skill to remind him I’d helped him earlier. Slowly, some of the tension left his body. “I get that you’re still here for me, but it’ll be different. And that’s why he’s so fucking smug. He thinks he’s won.”
I couldn’t tell him he was wrong. It was the truth. Not a truth that was as twisted as it sounded though. In Drew’s eyes, being with me might have felt like a win, and not because I was arrogant enough to believe I was a worthy prize. But because, for once, he let himself be vulnerable and it paid off.
“This isn’t about me.”
