by Kyra Lennon
I stepped away from them, taking Drew’s place on the bed. The tiredness I’d felt earlier washed over me again. This was too damn hard. Too much anger, too much suppressed agony. Too much hate between brothers who used to have nothing but love and respect for each other.
“Ellie’s right.” Jason said. “This is about us.”
Drew turned away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Maybe I want to talk about it! I’m sick of this passive aggressive bullshit, Drew. You wanna tell me how much you hate me? Do it! You wanna tell me how much you resent having to look after me my whole life? Come on, I’m right here. Just say it so we can move the fuck on.”
“Talking isn’t going to change anything.”
“So we’re going to carry on this way? Being pissed off with each other because you can’t let go of the past?”
“The past that’s been dragged up every day since you agreed to let Derek bring it out into the open?”
“We both agreed.”
“If you knew me as well as you think you do, you’d know I hated the idea from the start. And I did tell you.”
“You let it drop!” Jason pushed away from the wall, shaking his head again as he paced the room. “This is a waste of time. I appreciate you trying, Ellie, but I can’t do this on my own.”
Drew spun around to face Jason, eyes blazing. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to stop acting as though I’m the reason for every bad thing that’s happened to you! I’ve done some shitty things, but I’ve worked damn hard to make up for them. Do you have any idea how hard it was? How hard it still is?”
“Try being the one who had to hold everything together while you were doing shitty things! You can apologise as much as you want, but you can’t take away the times I found Dad crying, blaming himself for what you did. Hearing him calling himself a bad father because he thought he didn’t do enough for you after Mum died was one of the worst times I’ve ever been through! He thought everything you did was his fault!”
Michael Brooks was the picture of a typical, old-fashioned English gent. He stood up when a woman entered the room, held doors open, pulled out chairs so you could sit down at dinner, and completed the stereotype with a stiff upper lip. Watching him suffer was as heart-breaking as witnessing Jason’s rapid decline.
Jason sagged back against the wall, the pain on his face, on both of their faces, made tears flood my eyes. Every harsh word they exchanged pierced through me like knives slashing at my soul, and I’d brought them to it. Forced them to slog it out, knowing how gut-wrenching it would be. I didn’t want them to hurt anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. But whether the conversation happened or not, everyone hurt.
“I didn’t know,” Jason said, quietly.
“You didn’t care!” Drew shouted. “You didn’t care about anyone but yourself, and that’s never changed! You’ve always been selfish, and I’m done fixing everything you break!”
Without looking at either of us, Drew picked up our bags again, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
I couldn’t move yet. My body trembled, and when I glanced at Jason I saw he was shaking, too. For the second time in one day, I was torn in half. I wanted so much to be with Drew. To hold him, and tell him I was sorry for pushing him. Sorry for making him dig further into those painful memories when all it did was make everything worse. But how could I leave Jason?
“Go to him, Ellie.” Jason lowered his head, and I was pretty sure his hair hid some tears.
“Jason, I-”
“He needs you more than I do.”
“I don’t think that’s completely true,” I told him, rising on wobbly legs. “I can’t leave you like this.”
I reached for his hand, and he sighed. “I’ve been waiting for him to say those things for a long time. I’ve expected it every day, and every day, he kept them bottled up.” His voice cracked, making my own tears spill. “You need to go to him. Take care of him.”
“Who’ll take care of you?” I pulled at his hand to make him look at me.
He gave me a small smile, one that didn’t quite reach his moist eyes. “I’ve got Mack and Joey waiting for me. I’ll be okay with them. When I get home I might... I might talk to Dad about the things Drew said. And tomorrow, I’ll call you. But right now, you have to go. Please.”
One comment in a conversation so full of horrible memories brought Jason down. He’d heard some of it before, but both Michael and Drew shielded him from the extent of the heartbreak he caused. I’d never understood why. The first time I spoke to Jason after he hit me, I didn’t hold back. We both wept, transporting ourselves back to that day, and even after, we knew it wasn’t an instant fix for our friendship. It was one step towards getting back to where we were. Or as close as we could after such a huge break of trust. Maybe that was why he was so different with me. We cleared the air completely. I didn’t use the possibility of a relapse as a reason to keep my feelings in. Perhaps it was selfish of me, but I wanted my friend back. Without total honesty, I couldn’t see any other way to make it happen.
I nodded. “Okay.” I put my hand up to his cheek, and wiped away a tear with my thumb before heading outside to find Drew.
I ran along the corridor and took the stairs down to the lobby where Mack and Joey stood close to the reception desk, away from the pointed camera lenses waiting to snap them.
“Have you seen Drew?”
“He went out the back exit.” Mack’s eyebrows furrowed with concern. “What happened?”
“Long story. Can one of you go up and check on Jason? I’m sure he’ll fill you in. How do I get out of here?”
“Go back the way you came, and at the bottom of the stairs, there’s a fire door. That’s where the cars are waiting.”
“And there are no reporters out there?”
Joey shook his head. “It’s as if they’ve never stalked anyone before.”
I let out a small laugh. “Thanks, I’d better go. Please look after Jason for me and... make sure he gets home safely.”
The guys nodded, and I knew I could trust them to keep Jason from falling apart any further. With a quick smile, I dashed out the way Mack instructed, and almost tripped over Drew as I opened the fire door. Two cars waited for us, but he hadn’t made it that far.
He sat on the step, hunched over, shivering from the cold.
A full-sized version of how he sat the first day I met him.
Without a word, I sat beside him, and wrapped my arms around him. His head hit my shoulder, and he let out a sob, puncturing the silence of the back street, and simultaneously puncturing another hole in my heart as his tears seeped into my shirt. I held him tighter, my own tears falling hard.
I’d never seen him cry before. Not when he broke his arm after falling off his bike. Not when the postman delivered a letter addressed to his mother two years after she died. Not when Jason was carted away to rehab, merely a shadow of who he used to be.
“I didn’t mean to... I... Ellie-”
“Shh. It’s okay.”
He tried to speak again, but nothing came out. Nothing more than a croaky sound before he took a shuddering breath, then gave up. I kissed the top of his head, waiting for his long pent-up emotions to ease a little. When he was ready, he looked up and wiped his eyes, exhausted. “I couldn’t stop myself.” His eyes stared straight ahead and I knew he wasn’t completely with me. Lost in thought.
So I waited.
“He’s my brother, Ells. It’s not okay that I hate him and love him, and I’m angry with him, and I feel bad for him. Right now I want to punch him in the face for the things he said to me, but I also want to be his big brother, and protect him from what I said to him. I don’t know which instinct is strongest.”
I ran my hand soothingly across his back. “Which instinct is always strongest in you, Drew?”
“The one that wants to punch him in the face.”
I laughed, softly. “No. It’s not. Recently, may
be. But mostly, it’s always been the big brother thing.”
“I wanted to hurt him, Ellie. All I did was remind myself of the painful crap we went through. The stuff I try not to think about. And the worst part is I’m not finished. Not even close.” He hung his head again. “Do you remember my mum?”
“Not very well,” I answered, sifting through recollections in my mind. “I remember a lady used to live in your house, and sometimes I saw her playing in the garden with you and Jason. She was always smiling. She was the happy lady who used to live next door.”
“Yeah. That was Mum. The happy lady.” Drew looked up at me. “When she got ill, sometimes I’d go to her room and sit with her. Even when she was almost gone, she kept smiling. She used to tell me to look after Dad and Jason. She said if she had to leave us, she knew we’d be okay because she could count on me to take care of everything. I don’t think she meant to put such a huge burden on me. She wasn’t telling me to give up my own life for Dad and Jason, but I was young. I thought the least I could do for her was look after our family. Keep Dad from falling apart, and keep Jason out of trouble. I did okay with Dad. But every time Jason did something bad, I felt like I’d let my mum down. When he got worse, when he was using drugs and stealing from us to get his next fix, I blamed myself. I thought, ‘If Mum was here, he wouldn’t do this, she’d be able to stop him.’ I couldn’t. I couldn’t keep my promise to her.” He paused then turned away as he broke down again. “I just wanted her back, Ells. I wanted her here to tell me what to do.”
Without ever meeting her, I wanted her back too. I wished she could see what an exceptional person she’d brought into the world. A little boy who only wanted to fulfil his mother’s dying wish, who grew into a man who loved his family so much, he tore himself apart for feeling the way anyone in his position would have felt.
“Drew. You didn’t fail.”
“I failed Jason by not being his brother.”
“That’s not true. Yes, you were overprotective a lot of times, but you never stopped being a brother. You were there for him, even when he didn’t deserve it.”
“I’m fucked up, Ellie. Losing Mum messed me up. I should have dealt with it better. Sooner. Do you know what Lisa said to me when she left, Ells? She said she’d never marry someone like me, and I’d never be good for anyone because I didn’t have a female role model when I was growing up, which meant I had no way to know how to treat a woman.”
Five years. Lisa was with him for five years, and those were the last words she spoke to him? The man who loved her so much he’d have walked through fire for her. What kind of person uses the death of their boyfriend’s mother as a way to explain why she’s leaving him?
“Is she right?” he asked.
I took his face in my hands. “Listen to me. You never treated her badly. Not once, Drew. You were everything a boyfriend should be because you learned all you needed to about relationships from seeing your parents together. You told me.”
“Did I?”
“Yes. It wasn’t too long after we met. I asked if you remembered your mum. You told me the thing you remembered the most was how your mum and dad always held hands when they watched TV together, and they never left for work without a goodbye hug and kiss. And that your mum left gifts around the house to surprise your dad.”
Drew nodded, his eyes glistening. “Yeah. I remember.”
“Your mum wasn’t around your whole life, but you learned what’s important from her. And if you hadn’t, if you’d lost your mum sooner… Lisa was wrong.”
I dropped my hands from his face, hoping at least a small fraction of what I’d said would sink in.
“So… I’m doing this boyfriend thing right?”
“Yes. You’re doing it right.”
I placed my hand on his. He was shaking, both from the cold and the emotion. I wasn’t doing any better myself, and if we stayed where we were too much longer, we’d end up frozen in place forever as a morbid statue.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you and Jason together.”
Drew’s fingers tightened around mine. “Don’t be. I’m in no rush to do it again, but I understand why you did it. Being stuck in the middle can’t be much fun.”
“It’s not.”
He brushed his hand gently across my cheek. “Thank you. For putting up with both of us for so long. Jason was right about one thing last night. We’re lucky to have you.”
Closing my eyes, I turned my head and planted a kiss on the palm of his hand. “I think I’m pretty lucky, too.”
The journey home was long, and would probably have felt longer if tiredness hadn’t taken me. I slept for three and half hours of the five hour drive, and the time I was awake, Drew and I sat in a comfortable silence, holding hands, neither of us needing to fill the quiet with pointless chatter. When we hit the Devon/Cornwall border, I used my phone to check if Derek had made the statement to clear my name. He made it shortly after we left the hotel, and the results weren’t so bad. Opinions were split, with some saying Derek was lying for me, and others defending me, saying a private argument should never have been in the news in the first place. Having some support, even from strangers, helped my mood a little and I sent Derek a text to thank him for giving it a shot. Also on the way home, I called my mum to tell her Drew and I wouldn’t be joining the family for dinner. The last thing we needed was Drew and Jason in a confined space again. However, she insisted we at least show up for a quick bite to eat so I reluctantly agreed, though I wanted nothing more than to have a quiet night with Drew.
When we arrived at my flat, Drew dumped our stuff by the door. “Do you mind if I have a shower?”
He had that sleepy-eyed, it’s-been-a -long-day-and-I-need-to-wake-myself-up-again look. What he really needed was a good night’s sleep and a break from thinking.
“Help yourself. I’m gonna mess around in my workroom for a while. Come and get me when you’re done.”
“Okay.” He kissed me on the cheek, picked up his bag and headed for the bathroom.
Letting out a long held in sigh, I went into my studio, and collapsed onto the stool beside the potter’s wheel. I felt pretty groggy myself, and I needed time alone to process everything that had happened. As my brain regurgitated the events of the day, my hands picked up the huge bowl beside me, and my feet led me to the kitchen to fill it up.
I hope Jason’s okay.
He’d given Drew a hard time, throwing out as many words to hurt him as he could muster. Underneath, his own sadness had begun to shine through. Drew hurt him right back, and I hadn’t seen Jason so down in years. I wanted to call him, but if he wasn’t home yet, it would be hard for him to talk. If he was, he might be with his dad. I didn’t want to interrupt. No. I’d wait for him to call me, like he said.
My thoughts switched back to Drew, where they’d been even as I slept in the car. My dreams took me back to childhood. In my dream I saw his mum clearly. Honestly, I was never sure if I remembered her myself, or from photos I’d seen in the Brooks’ house. Either way, she really did have the most beautiful smile. Short, dark hair. Slim. In my dream, she played basketball with her boys the way I did the first day I met them. She encouraged Drew, lifted Jason up to the hoop when he couldn’t reach. Laughed with them, and picked them up when they fell. That was the way I’d always imagined her to be.
It was impossible to say if Drew was right. If she’d have had what was necessary to stop Jason using cocaine. If she hadn’t died, would he have snorted the first line? Smoked weed? Would he have been so determined to prove he was someone special, and not just the boy whose mum was taken too soon?
None of the answers mattered. They wouldn’t change what was already done. The only thing to do now was move forward, if both Drew and Jason were ready and willing.
A lump of clay rested on the potter’s wheel in front of me, and I laughed to myself. It was where I always went when I needed to relax, but usually, I did so consciously. This time, lost in my musings, I
’d set everything up without thinking. Instead of changing my clothes as I normally would, I threw an old apron on for better protection, then sat down, dipping my hands in the bowl of water.
“Can I play?”
I turned at the sound of Drew’s voice. He stood behind me, hair still wet, and a towel around his waist.
Maybe this is my Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze moment.
My mouth dried out as my eyes lingered on his chest. I loved that he wasn’t as self-conscious as the night before. Since he’d opened up, it was like every part of him was mine. He’d let me further inside his head than anyone had ever been, and instead of pulling away, he wanted to be closer. All the way home, I’d expected him to shut down the way he always did when life got too heavy for him. For once, he let me stay inside the head space he usually tried to lock away, and I wanted to be there. To stay close.
I nodded, and he dragged my spare stool across the room, placing it behind me. Since he was... under-dressed, he sat sideways instead of wrapping his legs around me, but his arms snaked around my waist. His chest pressed into my back, and my perfect posture slipped away, melting a little at his touch.
“So, what do I have to do?” he asked.
“Put your hands on mine.”
I put my foot on the pedal, and when the ball of clay began to spin, I placed my hands firmly on the squidgy lump. Drew’s hands covered mine. “What are we making?”
“I hadn’t decided. Maybe a vase?”
“Sounds good. Not very manly, though.”
“You don’t need to worry about feeling manly while you’re sitting behind me, half naked.”
Drew laughed. He pressed his cheek against mine, grazing me with his stubble. “I’m wearing underwear, Ells.”
For now.
“Anyway,” I said, shaking my head. “Let’s do this. I’ll work the clay a bit, then you can take over.”
I dipped my thumbs into the top of the clay to create an opening, then let my fingers run around the edge, pulling it up slowly until it looked less like a ball and more like the beginning of a work of art. I carefully took one hand away, letting Drew’s left hand touch the pot while keeping it steady with my right.
