by Kyra Lennon
“How can you want to do this right now? After everything that’s happened.”
Drew buried his hand deep in my hair. “I need you, Ellie. Right now, I really need you.”
He kissed me again. More softly, but still with a desperation that screwed with my self-control. His pain hit full force, mixing with my own, causing tears to form in my eyes. Lips brushed against my eyelids, cheeks, the tip of my nose, along my jawline.
“Please,” he whispered. “Please.”
As the first tear dropped, I moved closer, taking his face in my hands again. Nothing more needed to be said. This time, when he kissed me, I responded with equal intensity, tugging at his shirt because he wasn’t close enough.
Couldn’t get close enough.
I didn’t realise how much I needed him, needed this. To lose myself in him, and let him lose himself in me. Everything we felt became fuel for our hands to tear at each other’s clothes, pulling and ripping. Instead of heading to my room, Drew shuffled me towards the living room, our clothes leaving a pervy Hansel and Gretel trail behind us as they dropped to the floor.
Well, this is new.
When Drew lifted me up onto the edge of the dining room table, only our underwear remained intact; doubts were nothing more than a distant memory. He unhooked my bra and tossed it across the room; hungry lips found my breasts, stubble scratching hard against my skin. As Drew’s mouth continued its assault, I slipped my hands inside his boxers, tugging them down and thrusting my hips forward, feeling how much he wanted me. Heat shot through me as he gave a low, primal growl. I raked my fingers through his hair then pulled him up to me, needing his mouth on mine.
God, I loved the way he felt under my hands, the way he responded to my every move, the salty sweat on his skin.
Tender kisses turned to animalistic need. From the force of Drew’s fingers digging into my flesh, I was sure I’d be bruised in the morning.
I didn’t care. Being wanted this way, this much, lit a fire in me. I nipped at his neck and shoulder with my teeth and he firmly held my hips, lifting me up just enough to rip my knickers off, pull me towards him, and thrust inside me, our eyes connecting.
My pulse spiked. Behind the intense expression so familiar to me, something else shone through. A wildness, like a caged tiger that had been set free; free to roam, to explore. To claim.
I moaned, loud and desperate, clamping my legs around him, pressing my hips against his and burying my head against his shoulder. As he brought me closer and closer to the edge, I refused to fall, not yet, not yet. I bit harder, trying to hold on; making him growl again, making him push harder until neither of us could stop the waves any longer.
Cries of pleasure, cries of relief, bounced off the walls around us, echoing through me as my shaking, sweaty body sagged against Drew’s. Weak, but so damn satisfied.
Without a word, Drew scooped my trembling form from the table, and carried me to my room. Carefully, he pulled back the duvet, and lowered me onto the cool, crisp sheets before climbing in beside me and gathering me in his arms again, softly kissing my forehead.
“Are you okay?” he whispered.
“No,” I mumbled into his chest. “Wanna do it again.”
“I didn’t hurt you?”
“No.” I closed my eyes, allowing my flesh to recall every lash of his tongue, the burn of his stubble. I still felt the imprint of his hands pressing into my skin and I wanted to wail out loud from how good it felt to let him take control, to do exactly what he wanted.
“Ells?”
“Mmhmm?”
“Are you sure?”
I tilted my head a little, peering up at him from beneath my eyelashes. “You didn’t hurt me.”
Concern melted away from his eyes, leaving them warm, soft. A million miles from the feral blaze that burned through me earlier. I smiled, neither of us needing to say any more. I could have told him I loved him, told him how lucky I was to have a best friend and a man who could make my head spin rolled into one sexy package. How I couldn’t imagine being without him.
I didn’t say any of those things. I knew he heard me above the noise of everything else that had happened that day. There was no need for words.
Morning brought good news. Jason had woken up shortly after we left the hospital, with no brain damage, and no lasting damage to his heart. He was, however, experiencing the “coke crash,” and it was sort of an unspoken agreement that, whether he wanted to or not, he would be going back to rehab as soon as possible.
Drew had been quiet since we woke up curled in each other’s arms. He was being extra gentle with me; his touches light and his kisses soft, as if he trying to make up for being rougher than usual the night before. My insistence that I was fine hadn’t trickled into his brain yet, in part because he had other things on his mind, and in part because he was, well, Drew.
After Michael called to tell us Jason would be fine, Drew retreated farther into his silence. Not in a blocking me out kind of way. More pensive, and trying to come to terms with everything. It scared me that I didn’t know what he was thinking, but physically, he kept me close, and that was enough for me.
Our sense of happiness about Jason’s diagnosis shattered in an instant when Drew and I arrived at the hospital.
The entrance was swarming with reporters.
We pulled into the car park as my phone started to ring. After some sloppy parking, I cast my eyes down at the screen. Mum.
“Deja vu, anyone?” I gave a weary sigh,
“We should start getting papers delivered. That way we’ll know what we’re doing at the same time as everyone else.”
With a grimace, I clicked the answer button.
“Hi, Mum.”
“Ellie! Have you seen the newspapers?”
This is fast becoming my least favourite phrase.
“No, but we’re at the hospital and there are cameras and journalists everywhere.”
“They know everything. About the... the cocaine.”
Mum’s stutter over the word “cocaine” didn’t surprise me at all. Open-minded as she was, and as much as she cared for Jason, his drug use had always frightened her. At his worst; stealing, and punching anyone who got in the way of his next fix, she’d been afraid he’d show up at the house, asking for money to fund another hit. One night, while visiting his dad, Mum found him talking to Lucy over the fence, completely off his head. Lucy was only fifteen at the time, and Mum rushed her away in case he flipped out. Not that she’d ever seen him flip, but she’d heard plenty. She’d told me she felt guilty and stupid for being afraid of Jason, who she’d watched grow up. I could hardly judge her for her fears. A lot of the time, I’d felt the same way.
This time was different, though. This was not going to be another dramatic slide back to how he used to be.
“All the quotes come from a source,” Mum went on. “No names. But they know Jason could have died.”
I imagined Derek had planned another cover-up story, but since the truth had already leaked out, any tale he’d concocted would be rendered useless. This kind of press was the last thing the band needed so close to hitting the big time, and Derek would have to implement some serious damage control to save their reputation.
Luckily, he’d had a lot of practise in that area.
“Anything else I should know?”
A pause. “Why aren’t you more upset about this?”
“Well, I can’t say I’m happy, but... Jason’s okay. That’s the most important thing right now.”
“True,” Mum said, concern still strong in her voice. “Ellie, I hate this world you’ve been dragged into.”
“I hate it, too especially because I know how much you worry. But I promise I won’t get lost in it. Once Jason’s out of hospital, we can all move on.”
I have to believe that.
Beside me, Drew tensed, and I reached for his hand. “Mum, I’ve got to go. Thanks for the warning. I’ll give you a call later.”
After I hung
up, I turned to Drew. “Did you catch all that?”
He nodded. “Everyone knows.”
“Yeah. But how?”
Drew let out a humourless laugh. “We aren’t important enough to have our phones bugged, so my guess is, some underpaid doctor or nurse decided to make a bit of cash on the side by selling a story on the local rock star.”
My mind leapt to Natalie, the nervous nurse, but I quickly dismissed the idea. She was afraid of her own shadow, and she loved Razes Hell, especially Jason. She’d never have risked getting on the wrong side of Drew’s temper again, or damaging the reputation of her favourite band. Drew had a point, though. If neither of us, or Michael, had talked to the press, there was nobody else left but hospital staff who had the full story. Even Derek didn’t know everything yet.
“That’s a sackable offence.” Also another reason not to think Natalie blabbed. Someone recently-ish qualified wouldn’t risk throwing her hard work away for a few quid.
“Yeah. Not a big problem when they choose to be anonymous.”
I nodded towards the salivating journalists at the hospital doors. “How are we supposed to get through that lot?”
“Quickly, and heads down.”
I gave him a small smile. “Are you ready?”
He shook his head, and I touched his lips with mine. “I’ll be with you the whole time. I promise.”
“I know.”
Those words held so much. Worry, relief, gratitude. Drew pressed his cheek against mine. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
After a minute or two, Drew slowly straightened up. “Okay. Let’s do this.”
He hopped out of the car to pay the extortionate parking fee, and when he’d firmly placed the ticket in the window, I got out too, locking up behind me. With one last look at each other to check we really were ready, Drew wrapped his arm around me, pinning me to his side. Heads pointed to the ground, we walked quickly towards the entrance.
“Hey, there he is!”
Bright flashes hit my eyes, though I hadn’t looked up. Hands grabbed, elbows jostled, shouts of, “Drew!” and, “What can you tell us about Jason?” and, “Is it true he overdosed on cocaine?” assaulted my ears. We reached the automatic doors relatively unscathed, and tumbled through, like a particularly rough game of British Bulldog, while the hospital security pushed the journalists back.
“Don’t turn around,” Drew said, as flashes continued to go off behind us. “Keep walking.”
As we headed to the ICU, where Jason would stay until he was well enough to be transferred to a ward, Drew fell silent again, clinging to my hand.
Michael greeted us with a smile, a dramatic difference to the way he’d met us several hours before. He was clearly exhausted, but the happiness on his face knowing Jason would be okay helped disguise the dark circles under his eyes.
“Morning,” he said as we approached.
“Good morning,” I answered. “How are you?”
He let out a heavy sigh. “Much better than last night. Thanks for getting here so quickly.”
“You need some rest, Dad. We came early so you can go home and sleep. Ellie and I will stay for a while.”
Michael patted Drew’s arm. “Thank you.”
“Before you go, I should tell you there’s a bunch of reporters outside.”
“Yeah, I was warned a few minutes ago. I wish they hadn’t found out about this.”
“Me too. And I’m sure Derek does, too.”
“I should call him,” Drew said. “He’s probably already on his way down here, though.”
I couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for the band’s manager. He’d had to sort out more mess in the last two days than he had the whole time he’d worked with the guys.
“Oh! Do Mack and Joey know what happened? For real, I mean, not what’s in the papers.”
Through the panic, I’d kind of forgotten about the other members in the band.
“Derek rang them last night. I should probably phone them, too.” Drew pulled out his mobile, and started to turn back towards the corridor.
“Wait.” Drew halted in his tracks. “Don’t you want to see Jason first?”
He lowered his head, and I was sure Michael would tell Drew to put his phone down and visit his brother. Instead, he threw me a warm smile and patted Drew’s arm. “I’ll leave you to it. I’ll be back in a few hours.”
As he walked away, I wondered if Jason had told him about the fight between him and Drew. And if he hadn’t, how much did Michael really know? I suspected he knew a whole lot more about his sons’ issues than he let on, but I couldn’t judge him for not pushing it.
“I’m still not ready,” Drew said, once Michael had gone. “I don’t think I want to see him yet.”
“Why not?”
“You know why not.”
I took his free hand. “Look at me.”
Drew raised his head, his eyes meeting mine.
“I understand how you feel. I do. But he’s your brother, and last night we weren’t sure we’d ever get to talk to him again.”
I choked on the words, momentarily transported back to the time there was a very real possibility Jason wouldn’t get through the night.
I saw all of Drew’s anger and guilt, just as I did the night before. My stomach twisted, reminding me of my own part in this mess and I swallowed hard to shift the dryness in my throat. “Shall we go to the canteen for a drink before we do this?”
“No. Why don’t you go in and see Jason, I’ll make the calls, and then... I’ll be ready.”
He didn’t give me time to argue the point. He left me in the waiting area while he shot away to phone Derek. I couldn’t blame him for prolonging this. Beyond the relief Jason was on the mend, the rest of Drew’s issues hadn’t been resolved. How could they be when he hadn’t talked about it, and he certainly hadn’t been able to talk to Jason?
With a sigh, I pushed through the double doors, and stepped into the area that had scared the hell out of me the night before.
Natalie was leaving Jason’s room, and when she spotted me, her ‘bunny in the headlights’ look crossed her face again. “Ellie, I hoped I’d see you today. I wanted to tell you it wasn’t me who talked to the press, but I think it was someone from here. We all got called to a staff meeting this morning and they are doing everything they can to find out who did it. I was worried you’d assume it was me because of the way I acted last night, and I didn’t want you to think-”
A small giggle escaped my lips. Again, she’d somehow made me laugh in the most serious of situations. How the heck did she make it through university, watching disgusting videos of... whatever medical students have to endure to complete their studies if she panicked over every tiny thing?
“Natalie, I didn’t think it was you.”
Her shoulders dropped from their hunched, tense position. “Thank you.”
“Did you talk to Jason about this?”
“No. People who have had heart problems aren’t supposed to be stressed out in any way. I decided I’d speak to you because... Drew scares me.”
Again, I laughed out loud. His height and build never intimidated me, but based on the way he’d spoken to her before, I understood her reluctance to talk to him again. “He’s a big teddy bear. Really.”
A shadow of doubt crossed her face. “He was more like a grizzly bear last night.” Catching herself, she added, “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. How is Jason doing?”
“Heart-wise, he’s doing brilliantly. Cocaine-wise... he’s okay. A bit jumpy and down in the dumps but it’s to be expected after what he went through. We’re going to move him out of intensive care this afternoon and up to a ward where there’ll be people around all the time. Hopefully being in a room with others will help a bit.”
Depressed Jason was not the best person to be with. I wondered how much of his mood was actual withdrawal, and how much was him tormenting himself over what he did.
“Thanks, Nata
lie.”
She gave my arm a comforting squeeze before heading away to check on her other patients, and I took a deep breath and opened the door to Jason’s room.
He sat, propped up by pillows, his head turned to one side, and his eyes closed. He wasn’t asleep; his fingers drummed on the mattress. He was still hooked up to a couple of machines monitoring his heart rate, but the picture was a lot less horrifying than the one I’d witnessed a few hours earlier.
“Hey.”
Jason’s eyes sprung open, fingers halting the rhythm they’d been pounding. He didn’t say a word, surveying my face for some indication of whether I was going to hug him or slap him. Before I’d opened the door, I hadn’t figured out the answer myself. But, dammit, he was here, he was alive.
I ran my hand across my forehead, easing away an ache that erupted from nowhere. Maybe I was still undecided.
Feelings are never straightforward when an addict is involved. When someone you care about does something so damaging, it changes the way you see them. Not completely, because you cling to the hope they’ll sort themselves out, and you hang on to all the memories you had of them before they changed. In the end, that was what always drove me mad. Seeing those glimpses of the real Jason; him playing on them as a way to gain some understanding before he stole money from my purse, CDs from my collection, and a necklace my grandma gave me before she died.
I knew this was different. A different time, and a different... meaning, I guess. But the damage had still been done. He’d found a reason to use, and it almost killed him.
Moisture formed behind my eyes, and I shook my head, keeping my focus on him. Happiness and disappointment, and that awful, nagging guilt crashed over me, pulling me in so many different directions. I wanted to curl up into a ball and wait for it all to pass so I didn’t have to deal with it. Didn’t have to be the one in the middle, trying to cope with everyone else’s feelings as well as my own.
“Come here.” Jason reached out to me.
My feet carried me towards him though my brain wasn’t quite sure. As his fingers closed around mine, I sank onto the bed, resting my head in his lap as tears dripped onto his blankets.
