by Kyra Lennon
“Drew.” I squeezed his hands. “No. You didn’t. This is... I don’t understand what happened, but you didn’t do this.”
He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. “If anything happens to him, I-”
“Don’t. We need to find your dad, and the doctors can tell us what’s going on, okay?”
“I don’t think I can do this, Ellie. The stuff I said to him earlier…” he paused, shaking his head.
Dammit, why did I let this get so out of hand? Thinking I was protecting Drew, when all I’d really done was allow Jason another chance to let him down. I didn’t see it coming. I’d tried to stop their family being ripped apart any further, but if Jason didn’t pull through, they would be shattered into a million pieces, and I was the one who let them fall.
I took a long, slow breath. “We have to do this. Together.”
On wobbly legs, we hurried to the ICU, and quickly found Michael pacing around the table in the centre of the waiting area, wringing his hands.
“Dad.”
Michael looked as though he’d aged twenty years, his face completely white, his eyes full of fear. He grabbed Drew and bundled him into a hug, then pulled me in, too.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” He clung to us like he’d never let go. “Being out here on my own while Jason’s-” he paused, choking on the words. Tears burned the back of my eyes again, and I fought hard to keep them under control.
“What’s happening in there?” Drew asked, taking his dad’s arm and carefully leading him to a chair to sit him down.
“They think he’s had a heart attack. He couldn’t breathe properly, and in the ambulance he... I don’t know... I don’t think he stopped breathing but he wasn’t responding to anything the paramedics did. They rushed him straight here, and I was asked to wait. He’s only been in there about five minutes, but it feels like forever.”
“So they haven’t told you what’s going on?”
“Not yet.”
“That’s not good enough. They can’t leave us waiting around without any information.”
I recognised his tone and it never led to anything good. The last thing we needed was for Drew to direct the worst of his temper at the people who were taking care of Jason.
“Drew, sit down,” I said. “At least give it a bit longer, Jason’s only been in there a few minutes-”
“And they left Dad without telling him what the hell is happening! I’m going to find out what’s going on.”
Before any of us could stop him, he barged through the double doors that presumably led to where Jason was being treated.
Michael started to rise from his seat, but I gently sat him down again. He was too weak to walk anywhere, let alone drag Drew back when he was so angry. “I’ll get him. I won’t be long.”
I ran after Drew, through the still-swinging doors, only to crash right into the back of him. He’d stopped, his eyes fixed straight ahead.
Through a large window, doctors and nurses scurried around, checking machinery and closely observing their patient who lay flat, wires attached to his chest.
His multi-coloured hair lifeless as it splayed around him on the pillow.
Their patient. That’s all Jason was to them. Another patient, another life to save. They’d work hard to save him, but they didn’t know him. They didn’t know he was always the first to buy a round in the pub, or that he would rather bleach his own eyeballs than swallow a drink as bland as tea. They didn’t know he’d started playing guitar when he was thirteen because Drew was having drum lessons, and more than anything, he wanted to be in a band with his big brother. They didn’t know he couldn’t play for shit, but luckily, he had a great voice.
Had. Like he wasn’t alive. He didn’t look alive, all limp and unresponsive. Not our full-of-life Jason.
I wrapped my arms around Drew to steady myself, the beeps of the various contraptions ringing in my ears.
“We... we shouldn’t be in here,” I said, my vision sliding out of focus. The stench of disinfectant that always hangs in the air in hospitals filled my nostrils stronger than ever. I grabbed at Drew’s shirt, trying hard to keep my balance when I felt sure I would fall to the ground at any second.
He didn’t move. Just kept staring through the window as if he couldn’t hear me.
Couldn’t feel me.
I had to get out.
In my rush to escape, to get some air, I crashed into someone else, and then stumbled back into Drew. I couldn’t catch my breath enough to apologise.
“Can I help you?”
The person I’d bumped into was a young, blonde nurse who looked like she’d stepped off the set of Holby City.
“That’s my brother.” Drew nodded towards Jason’s room. “I... I...”
“We want to know how he’s doing.” My voice cracked as I spoke.
A glimmer of recognition flickered in the nurse’s eyes before her face fell. My sinking heart followed as she rested her hand on my arm. “I think you’ll be more comfortable in the waiting room,” she began, leading me towards the doors, but Drew stopped her.
“Not until you tell us what’s going on.”
He fixed her with his most intimidating stare, and her cheeks flushed with discomfort. “If you give me five minutes, I can-”
“You can’t keep us waiting! I want to know what’s happening in there!”
The nurse stepped back from the sheer force of his words. I couldn’t blame her for increasing her distance. Drew was scary when he fully lost his temper, but he’d barely started, and she didn’t look like someone who could handle one of his full-blown rages. I took another huge lungful of air. “Drew, cool it.”
“Ellie-”
“No! Go and sit with your dad, okay?”
He glared at me, and with a frustrated growl, barged back through the doors to the waiting room.
“I’m sorry.” I turned to the nurse. “It’s been a rough day.”
The nurse gave a weak smile. “I guess I need to get used to this kind of thing. I’m new, and I haven’t developed a thick skin yet.” She glanced over her shoulder to Jason’s room, where nurses continued to monitor him with concerned faces. “I’m also not good at not getting emotionally attached. I still get upset every time we lose someone.”
Why did she look at Jason before she said that?
Catching on to my concern, she added, “Oh God, I didn’t mean...” She ran a hand through her hair, still flustered. “This is totally unprofessional but... that’s Jason Brooks. It’s throwing me off to see a man I watched on stage a few weeks ago lying in a hospital bed, fighting for his life.”
It was a little unprofessional, but I sort of understood. I saw women like her every time I went to a gig. Women who loved the band, felt a connection to them. This girl had the added “local” bond with them. Her forehead was creased with worry for a man she only knew from the papers, and she’d just been yelled at by a member of a band she loved.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“Natalie.”
She fidgeted with the edge of her sleeve, reminding me of a small child who was about to get a telling off. I chuckled. She was obviously several years older than me, and smart enough to be a nurse. Even in such horrible circumstances, there was humour in the proof that, no matter what age a person is, they can be brought to their knees by someone they admire.
“Natalie. If someone has to take care of my best friend, I couldn’t have asked for anyone better than a fan. I know you’ll make sure he gets everything he needs.” I gave her hand a quick squeeze. “If you could please find someone who can tell us what’s going on, we’d appreciate it.”
Natalie nodded. “I’ll do that right now.” She smiled again, a little more brightly. “Thank you, Ellie.”
My eyes widened in surprise. How does she...? Oh right. A fan. It would be a long time before I got used to strangers knowing my name.
“I’d better get back to Drew,” I said. “Thanks for your help.”
Slightly less nauseous and wobbly, I headed through the doors, to Drew and Michael. Michael still sat in the chair where I left him, but Drew was furiously pacing, and on seeing me he charged, gripping the tops of my arms. Not hard enough to hurt me, but with desperation for a diagnosis.
“What did she say?”
“Nothing yet. She’s going to find someone who can talk to us.”
Drew threw out a string of curse words, turning away from me, but I pulled him back.
“Hey!” I placed my hands on his shoulders. “Stop shouting or you’ll get thrown out.”
“Ellie-”
“Drew.” I linked my fingers behind his neck, giving him no choice but to look at me. I didn’t need to speak, I needed him to focus on me, and I waited for him to stop throwing out venomous vibes. “Let the doctors do their job. If nobody’s been out in another ten minutes, we’ll go back and find someone to ask. Right now, the doctors need to be with Jason.”
Eventually he nodded. “Okay. Okay. I’ll go get us some coffee, can you stay with Dad?”
“Of course.”
He pressed his lips against my forehead before walking away.
Once Drew was out of sight, I sighed, and sat down beside Michael. Trying to keep my own emotions in check was draining me of the little energy I had, without the added stress of stopping Drew from having a meltdown too. My long, unbrushed hair fell around me like a curtain, blocking out the world.
“You’re really good for him, you know? Nobody else can keep his temper under control the way you can,” Michael said. “Nobody ever could. You’ve always been special to him, Ellie. I’m afraid he’s like his old man, though. Takes him a long time to say how he feels. I’m glad he got around to it.” He patted my hand.
The sickness in my stomach returned. Painful, torturing. Instead of making a dash for the door like I wanted to, I turned my hand over in his and linked our fingers together.
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
I only hope he feels the same way when I tell him I kept Jason’s secret.
I took in a sharp intake of breath. I hadn’t realised I had any intention of telling anyone I saw Jason with cocaine. I wanted to sweep it out of my mind. The guilt was already eating away at me though.
When Drew returned with the coffees, he sat beside me looking a little less ready to kill someone. He rested his hand on my leg, and again, silence fell.
Barely a few minutes passed before the double doors opened, and a dishevelled doctor, roughly in his mid-fifties, gave us a warm smile as he approached. We all got to our feet, the tension building with every step he took.
“Hello, I’m Doctor Vaughan,” he said, in a tone that wasn’t as comforting as the smile he flashed us. I stepped closer to Drew, resting my head on his shoulder and bracing myself for what was about to come.
“I’m Michael, Jason’s dad. How is he?”
Doctor Vaughan’s lips pulled into a straight line before he spoke. “Lucky. He’s lucky. Jason’s cocaine use triggered ventricular tachycardia, which in turn, led to ventricular fibrillation just as we got him into intensive care.”
He may as well have been talking a foreign language.
“I’m sorry,” Michael said. “What does that mean?”
“Ventricular tachycardia is a speeding up of the heart rate, and ventricular fibrillation occurs when the heart beats become irregular, and stop the heart functioning correctly. There’s only a short time to stop ventricular fibrillation from being fatal.”
Again, my body sagged against Drew’s at the doctor’s words.
Fatal.
This was everything we’d always feared. To have it happen at a time when Jason had been so well otherwise was... it was impossible to take in.
Drew’s face paled, and he collapsed down into one of the chairs, pulling me down with him, onto his lap. He held me tightly, both of us quivering against each other.
“What...how...?” Michael struggled to get his words out, and I reached out for his hand again. “Is he okay now? Is he going to be okay?”
Doctor Vaughan sighed. “It’s hard to tell at this point. He’s stable, and he’s responding well to the treatment. But... with ventricular fibrillation, there can be some complications.”
“What kind of complications?”
“There are several things which we will investigate through tests. There’s also a small risk of brain damage, due to lack of oxygen to the brain. Because Jason was already here at the hospital when it happened and we stopped it quickly, the risks are minimal. But we can’t rule anything out at this stage.”
Hospital. Overdose. Fatal. Complications. Brain damage.
The walls seemed to close in on me again. Every spoken word was loud in my ears, but I couldn’t hear their meaning. Everything distorted, everyone too close. I pushed Drew away and started running. Out. Outside to find air. Each step felt as though it happened in slow motion. The only thing reminding me it was real was the blinding pain shooting through my skull, and the sickness climbing out of my stomach.
The moment I fell through the doors into the cold, my knees gave way, and I sank to the ground, shivering.
It was easier to breathe away from the confines of the stuffy waiting room. Away from the people whose lives I might have contributed to ruining. All it would have taken was one word to Drew, and this would never have happened. Or if I hadn’t pushed Drew and Jason to talk, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this. All logical thoughts about how, if Jason wanted to use, he would have no matter what I said or did floated around my head, but I couldn’t shake the guilt. Earlier, Jason said the dealer practically lined the coke up for him. I didn’t ever expect to feel like I’d done the same thing.
“Ellie.”
Drew’s arms raised me off the ground, then firmly secured me in a hug that threatened to crack my ribs. I didn’t care. I needed it. Needed to feel the comfort, before I told him the truth and maybe ruined everything between us before we’d really got started.
“I’m sorry I ran out.”
His hand burrowed inside my hair. “It’s okay, Ells. We’re going home now.”
“Home?” I asked, pulling away. “But... aren’t we going to stay with your dad?”
Drew shook his head. “He wants to be alone for a while."
“What else did the doctor say?”
“Nothing much. We just have to wait. Jason’s better, but there still aren’t any guarantees he’ll make it through the night.”
“That’s more reason for us to stay! If something happens to him-”
“Ellie, I can’t.” His gaze dropped. “Dad said he’ll call if anything happens but I can’t wait around here. It’s too much.”
I spent the drive home trying to figure out how to tell Drew I knew about Jason craving cocaine. Then trying to talk myself out of it. Should I drop this on him when Jason’s life is hanging in the balance? Drew felt responsible. I wanted to take the burden from him because it wasn’t his to carry. It was mine, at least in part. There was no ‘good’ option. Either way, it would result in more pain for Drew.
And what about Jason? From the minute Drew woke me, I’d stopped thinking about Jason as a person. My brain flicked into some weird preparation mode, readying me in case the worst happened. All normal human emotion disappeared, and while I was still terrified about whether or not he’d make it, I felt disconnected. From him, and from the situation. I knew for sure, if he could, Jason would tell me to keep my mouth shut, but he once had lying down to a fine art. That wasn’t me.
It was after two a.m. when we arrived back at my flat. Instead of a comfort, the silence was eerie. That strange stillness you feel when something big is happening, and you know the world is turning the same as always, but your own has stopped, waiting for the next piece of news.
Drew hadn’t uttered a word since we left the hospital. I didn’t need to ask what he was thinking; it was all there on his exhausted face. I couldn’t recall ever seeing him so afraid, but that wasn’t eve
rything. A glimmer of anger lurked in his eyes, contributing to his guilt. I’d seen it so many times. I’d felt it myself. How could Jason keep doing this to himself, to us? And how could we be mad at him when he was suffering too?
“Thanks, Ellie.”
Drew’s voice startled me.
“What for? I was no help whatsoever. I ran away.”
“You stopped me knocking that nurse’s head off. You kept me calm. You kept Dad calm. You didn’t blame me for this when we both know I had something to do with it.”
I shook my head. “No. You didn’t.”
“He was fine until I laid into him. This isn’t a coincidence.”
“He wasn’t fine, Drew. You must have seen that while you were fighting. He was hurting before you said a word.”
“Then I pushed him. I pushed him into this, and-”
“Stop.” I reached up, cupping his face in my hands. “This wasn’t your fault.”
My thumbs lightly ran across his stubble as the weight pressing down on me pushed harder. Those eyes. They stared into mine, searching for answers. Searching to see if I meant what I said.
“Drew-”
I was cut off when his lips crushed against mine. The stubble that a second ago had been beneath my fingers, grazed my cheeks and chin. He grabbed at my hips, gathering me in.
“Wait.” I rested my hands against his chest, trying to catch the breath he’d stolen from me. “I need to tell you-”
“No more talking.”
His mouth bore down on mine again, body reacting faster than brain. His tongue pushed against my lips, and I let him in, letting him closer when I needed to step back, to think. Impossible when he held me against him, stealing my self-control with every touch of his lips. He’d never been like this before. Enthusiastic and hot as hell? Yes. But never with so much desperation, like the world was going to end and this was the way he wanted to spend his last moments. I loved it. Wanted it.
Jason’s lying in a hospital bed. You helped put him there.
I wriggled out of Drew’s arms. Jesus. My body still trembled from his touch while my mind insisted on thinking rationally. I wanted to smack myself for breaking away, or maybe for giving in when I needed to talk to him. Either way, I was frustrated as hell.
