George Washington Is Cash Money

by O'Brien, Cory

  and by the time he is eleven years old

  he is already an orphan

  but instead of pulling some Oliver Twist shit

  and turning to crime and eating soup or whatever

  he just impresses the pants off all these adults

  with how smart he is

  and then he’s like “Hey, guys

  since your pants are all around your ankles

  why don’t you bend down

  fish your wallets out of your pockets

  and fund my trip to a North American college?”

  and all the adults are like “Wow, okay

  thought that was going somewhere WAY different.”

  So Alex goes to America

  which isn’t even really America yet

  just a collection of sassy colonies

  and then the revolution happens and everything

  but that’s not enough for li’l Hammy

  because the colonies are independent now

  but they’re only bound together

  by these weak-ass Articles of Confederation

  that basically say, “Yeah, we’re a country I guess

  but like

  whatever

  do what you want.”

  So Alex and some other dudes

  who call themselves the Federalists

  decide they REALLY need a strong constitution

  that gives the central government ACTUAL powers

  and in order to convince people to do this

  Alex and his bros write like eighty essays about it

  and Alex alone writes FIFTY of those essays.

  FIFTY essays

  that’s like twice the number of essays

  I DIDN’T write in college.

  Alexander Hamilton don’t play.

  So the constitution gets signed

  and dudes are pleased.

  Then when his bro John Adams becomes president

  Hammykins is suddenly a top political dude

  so he’s like “Hey, guys, you know what we need?

  A CENTRAL BANK.”

  And the Democratic-Republicans

  (which is a mega clunky name

  for dudes who hate them some Federalists)

  are like “NO WAY”

  and Alex is like “YES WAY” and does it anyway.

  So let’s review:

  streets of the West Indies

  to founder of the first Federal Bank.

  If anybody deserves to be on money

  it’s this dude.

  But for every straight-up G

  there is the inevitable beef

  and for Alexander Hamilton

  the name of that beef is Aaron Burr.

  When it comes to beef

  what these two dudes have is some wagyu shit.

  I’m talking grass-fed

  free-range

  hand-massaged

  HATRED.

  Like, when Aaron Burr is tied to be president

  Alexander Hamilton makes sure he’s vice president.

  Then, when Aaron Burr runs for New York governor

  Alexander Hamilton makes sure he’s NOTHING

  and the way he accomplishes this

  is by talking endless smack about Aaron Burr

  at like every party he goes to

  which means word is BOUND to get around.

  So Aaron hears about this

  and he hits up Alex like “Yo, Hamilton

  you been talking smack about me?”

  and Hamilton’s like “I do talk smack, sir”

  and Aaron is like “But do you talk smack about me?”

  and Hamilton is like “I DO TALK SMACK, SIR”

  and Aaron’s like “Okay, that’s it.

  I have to shoot you now.”

  And Hamilton is like “Yeah, I guess you’re right

  this is the world we live in.”

  THIS IS THE WORLD THEY LIVE IN.

  So these bros murder-elope to New Jersey

  where dueling is SLIGHTLY LESS ILLEGAL

  and they stand across from each other

  and then Alex shoots his gun into the air

  and Aaron shoots his gun into Alex’s organs

  and Alex is like “Oh dang

  probably should have pointed my gun at that guy.”

  and then he dies.

  Now, some people say Hamilton meant to miss

  and some say that’s just a thing he told people

  to make himself look good in case he shot wrong

  but one thing is certain:

  HAMILTON SHOT FIRST.

  This was not an isolated incident, my friends.

  I mean, Hamilton himself

  was in TEN OTHER DUELS before this one

  and the place where he got shot

  hosted HUNDREDS of other duels

  between trigger-happy assclowns

  who had insulted each other at the theater

  or splashed mud on each other from a carriage

  or whatever other unforgivable insult

  makes it okay to meticulously schedule a murder

  just to preserve your self-esteem

  and you know who did this more than anyone?

  GOVERNMENT PEOPLE.

  GO FIGURE.

  Anyway, to this day

  the guns that were used in that duel

  are proudly displayed

  at the headquarters of Chase Manhattan Bank

  which is close enough to a temple, I guess

  especially considering Hamilton’s whole bank thing.

  Why tell you this story, dear reader?

  To prove to you the simple truth

  that politics

  used to be WAY more satisfying.

  THOMAS JEFFERSON IS A RADICAL MAN, BUYING RADICAL LAND

  So George Washington gets to be president

  it’s pretty cool

  then he stops being president

  which is even cooler

  because he could have done it forever if he wanted

  and it takes a pretty rad guy to give that all up.

  But then everyone’s like “Aw snap

  now we actually have to do that thing we said

  where we peacefully transfer power to a new leader

  ughhhhhhh

  why can’t we just elect another godlike war hero?”

  but no one can live up to G. Washington

  so everyone is just like fuck it

  and they elect John Adams

  (who was George’s vice president)

  as president

  and Thomas Jefferson

  (who fucking hates John Adams)

  as vice president.

  You see, back in the day

  you didn’t get to pick your running mate

  the vice presidency just went to the dude

  who everybody liked the second most

  and there are plenty of reasons

  to like Thomas Jefferson the second most.

  First of all, he LOVES revolutions

  and everyone in America kinda does too

  considering they just did one.

  In fact, TJ is the (literally) radical dude

  who wrote the first draft of the Declaration

  and then got all pissy when people changed it

  so he is even revolutionary among revolutionaries.

  He’s also a fan of the Bill of Rights

  (which is basically like the Ten Commandments

  except it’s for governments instead of people

  and there’s nothing in it about the Sabbath

/>   and banging your neighbor’s wife is totally okay).

  Also, Jefferson is tall

  which counts for a lot in American politics.

  But there’s also plenty to hate about Jefferson

  especially if you’re John Adams.

  See, John Adams is a big fan of England

  with its tea

  and its venerable monarchy

  and Jefferson is a big fan of France

  with its republican revolution

  and its constant war with England.

  John Adams is a fan of a strong central government

  Jefferson thinks bloody local uprisings are hilarious

  John Adams wants a central bank

  Jefferson fucks his friends’ wives.

  They’re like two wackily mismatched roommates

  in the sitcom that shaped their entire country.

  So while Adams tries to be a good president

  Jefferson fucks off to his Virginia mansion

  which is such a baller crib

  that there’s a picture of it ON OUR MONEY

  and when John Adams is done taking the blame

  for literally every bad thing that happens

  in the four years he is president

  Jefferson shows up and is like “Hey, guys

  vote for me

  I am so much more radical than this guy.”

  He gets elected pretty hard

  and his vice president ends up being Aaron Burr

  who is a shitty jerk who sucks

  and goes on to murder Alexander Hamilton

  (the founder of the first national bank)

  and after that

  everyone is like “Okay

  maybe we should get to pick our own running mates.”

  But anyway

  when Jefferson becomes president

  he suddenly gets WAY LESS RADICAL

  well, okay, he stays kind of radical

  but instead of using his radicalism

  to undermine government powers at every turn

  he uses his government powers

  to just do crazy shit without asking anyone if it’s okay.

  Like there are these Turkish sultans

  and they are kidnapping American sailors

  so Jefferson takes the navy

  (which he told John Adams not to build)

  sends it all to the Mediterranean

  and then a week or so later

  after it’s too late to do anything about it

  he’s like “Hey, Congress

  totally declared a war just now

  oh, and look at that

  looks like I just won it too.

  How do you feel about that?”

  and Congress is like “Oh, you.”

  Also, he’s been banging one of his slaves

  this WHOLE TIME.

  He frees all the children they have

  and he’s not technically cheating on his wife

  since his wife is dead

  and he does start paying her a salary

  instead of just making her work for free

  so he’s really not even banging his slave

  he’s just banging his EMPLOYEE

  WHO HE ALSO SORT OF OWNS.

  This from the dude behind the Bill of Rights.

  Nice, dog.

  Nice.

  But Jefferson is more than just a sex criminal

  He’s also REALLY SUPER GREEDY.

  See, America is fine right now

  but the problem with it

  is that it’s only slightly huge

  and Jefferson wants to supersize that shit.

  At this time, Spain owns a ton of land

  out to the west of where the colonies are.

  They haven’t even explored that shit

  they just showed up and decided they owned it

  it’s an awesome trick

  you should try it some time.

  But then Napoleon takes over France

  (so much for republicanism)

  and makes an alliance with Spain

  and part of the alliance is

  “I get to act like I own all that land in America.”

  So Jefferson goes to Napoleon

  and he’s like “Hey, bro

  I hear you have a bunch of land.

  I’m willing to give you a couple bucks for some of it”

  and Napoleon

  who is fighting wars with like everybody

  and really needs money to keep doing that

  is like “Sure, dude, take all of it

  whatever, it’s not even really mine

  I don’t know what’s in it or anything

  and neither do you, so I dunno why you want it

  but whatever, go nuts.”

  This purchase straight-up DOUBLES U.S. territory

  and it costs like four cents an acre.

  It’s like if you had a house

  and you went over to your neighbor’s house

  and you were like “Hey, bra

  kinda want your house

  I will give you half of this old burrito for it”

  and he was like “HELL YEAH

  DO YOU WANT MY SWIMMING POOL TOO?”

  So naturally everybody thinks Jefferson’s the shit

  even though he had to use the central bank to do this

  and he was originally opposed to the bank.

  Whatever, land trumps morals

  AS WE WILL LEARN AGAIN AND AGAIN.

  His second term in office is hella boring though

  and then later he retires

  and even later he dies

  on the FOURTH OF JULY

  the same day as John Adams

  who is so embarrassed about all the shit he gave him

  that his last words are pretty much “Oh man

  I wonder what Thomas Jefferson is up to.”

  But you know what doesn’t retire or die?

  DAT LAND.

  I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this:

  If folks are about to discover what a jerk you are

  distract them with a large chunk of unmapped forest.

  LEWIS AND CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN . . . NO, WAIT

  So there are these dudes

  Meriwether Lewis and Dan Clark or whatever

  everyone just calls them by their last names

  and then Thomas Jefferson is like “Guys

  hey, guys

  I just bought all this land from Napoleon

  like way more than I need.

  I have no idea what’s in it

  could you guys go find out for me?

  I will give you basically as much money as you want

  plus

  you will be FAAAAMOUS.”

  He actually says this to Lewis first

  because Lewis is a proven badass

  who fought in wars and stuff

  but Lewis knows he’s a loose cannon

  so he’s like “Can I bring my bro Clark?

  He’s way chiller than me.

  He would be an ideal co-captain

  and will probably come in handy

  when I routinely wander way ahead of my guys

  to hang out with my dog and look at cool bugs.”

  And Jefferson is like “Yeah that sounds legit.”

  So Lewis and Clark get a crew together

  called the CORPS OF DISCOVERY

  and they buy all the necessary supplies

  including a ton of beef jerky and bullets

  plus a HUGE SACK OF BLUE BEADS

 
because I should probably explain

  Lewis and Clark’s mission has three parts:

  1. Figure out how to get across America alive

  2. Find as many cool bugs as possible

  3. Make friends with all the natives

  by giving them booze and shiny trash.

  So they stock up on these beads

  and by some crazy lucky coincidence

  it turns out that for most of the native tribes

  blue beads are like THE MOST SACRED BEADS.

  They don’t want no red beads

  they don’t want no black beads

  they’re sorta “eh” about white beads

  but blue beads?

  THOSE ARE THE SHIT.

  Dudes will straight-up trade anything for blue beads

  horses

  meat

  wives

  whatever

  and Lewis and Clark are like “Ha ha ha

  we got these beads from China for like nothing.

  Savages, am I right?”

  DUDES

  YOU THINK GOLD IS MONEY

  GOLD:

  THAT SHINY YELLOW METAL

  THAT YOU FOUND IN A HILL

  AND IS TOO SOFT TO MAKE ANYTHING

  EXCEPT CERTAIN KINDS OF WIRE

  WHICH YOU CAN’T EVEN MAKE

  SO NOW WHO’S THE SAVAGES???

  Anyway, these guys are not totally clueless

  they hire some awesome translators and guides

  like for example Sacagawea

  who is married to this French fur trader

  and seems to be the most stoic badass in the group

  like, don’t get me wrong

  everyone is dealing with hardship

  but only Sacagawea is dealing with that hardship

  WHILE BIRTHING A GODDAMN CHILD

  and then raising the child

  (plus translating, plus guiding)

  and being so chill about it

  that Lewis is pretty sure she’s actually a robot.

  (Lewis is kind of a huge racist, by the way.)

  Anyway they make it across the continent

  they’re all very pleased with themselves

  but then

  OH NO

  THEY RUN OUT OF BLUE BEADS

  THEY DIDN’T PACK ENOUGH BLUE BEADS

  GREAT JOB, DICKBIRDS.

  YOU WERE LAUGHING TO YOURSELVES

  ABOUT HOW CHEAP THEY WERE

  SO WHY DIDN’T YOU BUY MORE HUH?

  Anyway, this puts them in a tough spot.

  They have to eat their horses

  and their shoes

  they have to chop up their boats for firewood

  they have to haul ass back home before they die

  and the whole time

  Lewis is just going fucking crazy

  because he REALLY wants to get home