Perilous Pranks (Renaissance Faire Mystery)

by Joyce Lavene

  “Not so super awesome for the dead woman,” Detective Almond reminded him.

  “I suppose not. But she had it coming. She knew it.” Tony stared at me. “What happened to her, if it wasn’t the dye?”

  “Someone killed her with a sword.” I filled in the blanks.

  “But not you?” he asked. “You wouldn’t do something that crazy, right? Unless she attacked you because you turned her blue. I’ll bet a lawyer could argue that issue.”

  “We don’t have time for this,” Detective Almond said. “I want to see where you found the bracelet.”

  Tony grinned. “Are you talking about that bracelet Jessie always loved? I remember her saying how she’d like to take it from Wanda.”

  I sighed. “Thanks, Tony.”

  Chapter Five

  I pushed on for the manor house before my brother totally incriminated me. He’d managed to score another point against me in Detective Almond’s notebook.

  I opened the front door to the museum, and a cold breeze swept past me, pushing around in little whirlwinds up and down the stairs.

  I shivered. It was eighty degrees outside, and hotter in the building. Our ceiling fans weren’t on yet. Where had that come from?

  We went inside, and I showed everyone where I’d found the bracelet. Detective Almond called the crime scene team to go over the museum. I asked him to be careful— some of the older tapestries, the loom, and woodwork items were irreplaceable.

  “Of course.” He held out his hand. “I’ll take the key to make sure this stays closed until the investigation is over.”

  “Sure.” My hand shook as I gave him the key that represented my future in the Village.

  “You’ve landed on your feet here.” He walked around and studied the vertical loom and Roger Trent’s glass-making equipment. “I hope you didn’t mess it all up for some stupid prank.”

  If I’d thought it would help, I would’ve crossed my heart and sworn that I didn’t kill Wanda. That might’ve worked with some of my friends, but only time—and the end of this investigation—would remedy the situation. I needed to find Shakespeare. Maybe between us, we could prove that neither of us killed Wanda.

  Chase put his arm around me, and I leaned into him as we walked back down the stairs to the cobblestones.

  Around us, life in the Village played out. Fred the Red Dragon was growling at kids and making them shriek. The Green Man wobbled on his stilts, clothed by his tree costume, as visitors vied to have their pictures taken with him. Sam Da Vinci coaxed pretty women of all ages to allow him to draw their portraits. A young apprentice knight called out the time between jousts at the Field of Honor.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Chase promised with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. “You have plenty to do getting ready for the wedding, right? Just concentrate on that right now. Wanda’s death will sort itself out.”

  “At least Detective Almond didn’t arrest me.”

  “That’s the spirit!” He hugged me again. “Let’s grab some lunch.”

  We stopped for lunch at Peter’s Pub. Peter Greenwalt, the owner, waited on us, even though the pub was busy. His thick mutton chops, long hair, and heavy beard distinguished him. He was a nice man and a good shopkeeper.

  “I’ve heard about your morning, Lady Jessie.” He smiled and bowed his head a little to show respect. “What would you like for lunch? On the house.”

  “Thank you so much, kind sir.” There were dozens of visitors around us, snapping pictures and listening to our words. “Doth thou have a cheeseburger, and perhaps fries?”

  He nodded. “Also a large Coke. And for you, Sir Bailiff?”

  “I require the same fare, shopkeeper.” Chase regally inclined his head. It was expected of him to be a little aloof since he was only below the king and queen in Village status.

  “Very good, sir. Your food will be out shortly.”

  Sometimes it’s difficult living your life on a stage where hundreds of people are hanging on your every word, watching you, and taking pictures that are immediately posted to the Internet.

  This was one of those times. I wished I could be alone to feel ragged by myself.

  “You could hole up in the Dungeon today,” Chase suggested as though he was reading my mind.

  That’s only one of the many reasons I love him. “I probably will after I go for the dress fitting.”

  He raised one brow. “I thought you were going there this morning? I can’t believe you lied to me.” He sighed and shook his head.

  “I wasn’t lying.” I tried to repair the damage.” I thought it might be more important to find Shakespeare. He knew about the prank, and came to Wanda’s cottage right after I found her dead. I went to look for him, but he wasn’t at his podium when the Main Gate opened.”

  “I’ll have people keep an eye out for him. You think he was involved with Wanda’s murder?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t to begin with, but now with him disappearing . . . I guess it’s possible.”

  “Okay. Just don’t worry about it. Pat has been playing Shakespeare here since the Village opened. He isn’t going to walk off the job. We’ll find him.”

  “Thanks.” I managed a smile, but I didn’t have the same confidence he had. If Shakespeare had killed Wanda, he could be long gone by now.

  “There she is,” a familiar voice bellowed across the pub.

  Daisy Reynolds was the master armorer for the Village. She was a large woman with muscled arms, badly dyed blond curls, and a kewpie doll smile she enhanced with scarlet lipstick. She wore a formidable breast plate with the image of a phoenix on it.

  “Good morning, Master Armorer.” I stood and greeted her with a head nod, as was proper in this case.

  “Never mind that crap.” She threw her big arms around me and almost hugged the breath out of my chest. “I’m proud of you finally taking care of that she-witch. I heard she was blue from head to toe. Great prank, Lady Jessie!”

  “Hey! Save some of that for me.” Bart Van Impe was a giant of a man who made Chase look small. He was Daisy’s lover and one of the Queen’s Guards.

  He hugged me even tighter than Daisy had, until my feet couldn’t reach the floor. The breath woofed out of me, and my head felt dizzy.

  Both of them shook hands with Chase and then pushed into the booth with us.

  “It’s not as good as it sounds,” I told Daisy and Bart. “Wanda is dead, killed by a sword.”

  Daisy frowned. “But not by your hand. I don’t believe it.”

  “Of course not,” Bart added. “Just because Wanda died after someone stuck a sword in her chest, and Jessie is one of the swordswomen in the Village, no reason to think that.”

  I sighed. “Would you mind not telling the police that?”

  Daisy and Bart ordered lunch. Peter’s sister, Maude, brought our drinks. Everyone in the pub was staring at us. A few brave visitors asked to take Daisy’s photo.

  Even though Daisy worked with swords and knives, and was considered one of the best sword-smiths on the Ren Faire circuit, she was also good-hearted and generous. She and Bart both stood to have their pictures taken. I was afraid for a moment that the tiny woman visitor with the camera might faint.

  When it was over, they sat back down with us.

  “They don’t really think you killed her in that obvious, stupid way, do they?” Daisy asked.

  “I think they don’t have another suspect,” Chase answered.

  “I dyed her blue. And I was the person who found her. And we had a long standing history of problems. Detective Almond knows all of that—and the part about me knowing how to use a sword.”

  “When you put it that way.” Bart shrugged his huge shoulders. “I might think you killed her too.”

  Daisy nudged him hard with her elbow. “Jessie didn’t killer her! But someone did. Let’s try to think of another suspect or two to throw the cops off.”

  “I heard the queen yelling at Wanda yesterday,” Bart said. “But that’s an ev
eryday occurrence. They didn’t get along well. Did anyone get along with Wanda?”

  “Wasn’t Shakespeare married to Wanda at one time?” Daisy frowned. “Where is he anyway? I heard Sir Reginald complaining to Gus Fletcher at the castle this morning. Shakespeare hasn’t been at his podium. Don’t ask me why, but plenty of visitors come to see him.”

  “Maybe he ran off,” Bart said. “I’d leave if I killed her.”

  “I heard Wanda was dating a young knight before she died,” I said. “Have you heard anyone talking about that?”

  It was unusual for people not to know who was dating who around here, but Daisy and Bart hadn’t heard anything about it.

  They both promised to let me know if they did hear anything. Our cheeseburgers and fries finally arrived, and we were quiet as we ate.

  Chase was called away to an emergency at the Merry Mynstrels Stage before he could finish. A visitor had jumped up on the stage and was insisting he should be allowed to play his violin with Susan Halifax and her harp.

  Bart had to go back to the castle to escort Queen Olivia on her daily amble through the Village. Now there was the baby, Princess Pea, to consider as well. That meant at least twenty guards, courtiers, fools—and a few parasol holders.

  “I have to get back too, Jessie.” Daisy left a generous tip on the thick, wood table. “Ethan is a big help now that I’ve got him trained right, but he takes off a lot. I think if I could find him a good woman, he’d settle down and be more regular. See you later.”

  Ethan was Daisy’s son who helped out at her shop, Swords and Such, which was part of Armorer’s Alley. Enchanted Armor and Splendid Shields were there too.

  I thought about young, eligible Ethan. If I wasn’t arrested for killing Wanda, I might have to find a lady for him. Everyone in the Village knew I was the best at matchmaking. I’d been the one to put Bart and Daisy together, among others.

  That left me on my own again. I didn’t feel up to handling the crowds and the fall heat waiting for me on the cobblestones. I needed time to think about what had happened and what I could do about it. I felt sure Detective Almond was in the Village figuring out all the little things that could have lead me to kill Wanda.

  I left Peter’s Pub, keeping my head down, and made it back to the Dungeon. Chase and I shared the apartment above the fake prison cells in the bottom of the structure.

  It had been unnerving at first, walking into the special effects area that made it look like fake prisoners were being tortured. Their shrieks and pleas for mercy could be heard outside. Eventually, you get used to anything.

  I went upstairs and opened the door to the apartment. It wasn’t very big—two rooms, a very small kitchen area, and bathroom. There were only two of us so it didn’t matter. It was one of the nicest places in the Village. Most village housing had no air conditioning and there were communal showers.

  The window overlooked the stocks where Vegetable Justice was meted out. Chase presided over the vegetable punishment twice a day, wearing a white wig and black robe. When there were no visitors signed up, he went out and conscripted village residents for the job. It was very popular with visitors, not so much with residents.

  There was a knock on the door. It obviously wasn’t Chase.

  “I’d like to talk to you, Jessie. I hope now is a good time.” Detective Almond glanced up at the wall where my sword and Chase’s were crossed. “Nice swords.”

  Chapter Six

  “Thanks.” I stood back and let him into the apartment. He’d been following me, or having me followed. I was sure he knew I was here without Chase. “What’s on your mind?”

  “You know I meet here with Chase sometimes, and I was thinking about those swords. Mind if I hold one?”

  “No. Not at all. But if you’re looking for a murder weapon, you must think I’m pretty stupid. No one would use their own sword to kill someone.” I took both swords down from the wall.

  I handed him Chase’s heavier broadsword first. “As you can see, the wound in Wanda’s chest would’ve been much bigger if someone had used this sword on her.”

  “I appreciate your wisdom in these matters, Jessie. But I hope you won’t mind if I have both of them tested.”

  I looked at my lighter, silver sword. Daisy had been specially made for me, balanced and constructed for my height and strength. “I don’t think it matters if I mind or not, does it?”

  “Sure it does. If you don’t agree voluntarily to have it tested, I’ll have to get a warrant.”

  I handed him my sword. “There you go. Easy peasy. You don’t even have to ask twice.”

  He looked around the tiny apartment, filled now with mine and Chase’s stuff. “You two are kind of crushed in here since you gave up your job in Columbia, huh? Once you get married, you might even have a few little ones. It would be nice to have a bigger place, huh?”

  “We’ll see.” I shrugged. “We’re not having babies yet.”

  “Village housing is at a premium unless you’re a shopkeeper. Even I know that.” He snapped his fingers. “Oh wait! There’s an opening at the other end of the Village, with Wanda being dead and all.”

  I managed a brave but probably foolhardy smile. “That would be a stupid reason to kill Wanda. Chase and I have standing in the Village. We could live at the castle anytime. Try again. I didn’t kill Wanda.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Just trying to work my way through all of the craziness. Don’t get defensive. Chase technically works for the police, just like I do. We’ll figure it out.”

  I didn’t have anything more to say to him. He’d ruined my peaceful hideaway. I opened the door. He took our swords and left the Dungeon.

  I wanted to slam the door behind him, but I didn’t want him to realize how upset I was. I fell back on the bed and pulled the pillows over my head.

  I was scared. This didn’t seem like it was going to end well for me, just as I was starting my new life.

  It had always been my dream to live at the Village. I hadn’t wanted to depend on Chase supporting me. The opening of the museum, with me as salaried director, had come at almost the same time as Chase’s marriage proposal. I thought my life was going to be perfect.

  I closed my eyes and tried to think about something else—anything else. I must have fallen asleep because the door to the apartment suddenly blew open. I knew I had to be dreaming.

  Like old Jacob Marley come to haunt Ebenezer Scrooge, I knew I wasn’t alone.

  There was a deep sighing followed by unmistakable laughter that chilled my soul. “Lady Jessie Morton. What are you doing up here? Why aren’t you out on the cobblestones looking for my killer?”

  I sat up quickly, my heart pounding. No one was there. It was just a nightmare.

  A bright blue face came right up in front of mine, and a British-tinged voice said, “Think I’m a nightmare, do you? Think again, dearie.”

  You know how you wake up from a dream and you think you’re awake, but you’re not? And then you wake up again, and this time it’s real.

  I fell back on the bed again, hoping that was about to happen to me. I closed my eyes and kept repeating, “Wake up, Jessie. Wake up.”

  “Yes, indeed. Wake up, you lazy slattern. My killer is running free in the Village while you’re in here getting some beauty sleep. It won’t do, you know. Ugly is as ugly does.”

  I sat up and scooted down to the end of the bed. The door to the apartment was closed. I took a deep breath. It wasn’t real.

  I put my hand on the doorknob. I was only dreaming. It was all the talk about who had killed her and seeing her dead, that’s all.

  Wanda’s head came right through the door, followed by the rest of her deep blue, naked body. “Here I am, ducks. Didn’t think I’d leave so soon, did you?”

  I was out of there. Her cackling laughter followed me down the stairs and into the fake dungeon area where I scared two teenage boys who seemed to think I was part of the exhibit.

  I didn’t care. I ran out into the sunshi
ne where hundreds of people were walking up and down the cobblestones. Tom, Tom the Piper’s son was chasing a piglet while a group of visitors laughed and followed him. The Lovely Laundry Ladies were calling out bawdy remarks to the people passing by. Everything seemed perfectly normal.

  “Still here.”

  I glanced to the side where a large swing hung from the branch of an old oak tree at the corner of the Dungeon. “Wanda?” I could hardly force her name from my lips.

  My hands were shaking, and my thoughts were scrambled. How is this possible?

  “That’s right. Who were you expecting? Was there some other dead woman you dyed blue today? Did you think that would be it?”

  “I’m pretty sure there’s a rule about pranks not going beyond the grave.” I turned and started walking quickly down the cobblestones toward the Stage Caravan where scantily clad young men and women were undulating to the music of pipes and flutes. “You stay here. I’ll go look that up.”

  Before I’d taken more than a few steps, she was beside me like some kind of horrible blue plague.

  “Where are you off to?” Wanda’s voice screeched in my ear.

  “To find your killer. Or a psychiatrist. Or both.” I started walking faster. “Go away or I’ll have you exorcised.”

  “I don’t think you will do that, sweetie. I think we’re new best buds. I’m sticking to you until you find my killer.”

  “What if I leave the village?” I was trying to think of all the stories my grandmother used to tell me and my brother about ghosts. It seemed like they couldn’t cross running water and they were allergic to garlic. Maybe.

  “I don’t care if you leave the planet. I’m staying with you.” Wanda stopped at a big mirror that was captioned as a looking glass into another world. “Gad! Will you look at me? Not only am I dead, I’m naked as a jaybird, and the same color. What did you do to me, you little black-hearted witch?”

  “It’s just some dye. It’s non-toxic. People use it with costumes at Halloween. It would’ve worn off in about a month—if you were still alive. Maybe it will wear off anyway.”