If I Break

by Portia Moore

  I cringe at the word. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” There’s a light knock at the door, saving me from where this conversation is going.

  “Come in,” I say as loud as I can without waking Caylen.

  Angela tiptoes in. “Hey Ms. Brooks,” she whispers, giving Raven a big hug. It makes me happy to see how close they’ve become through their relationship with me. The past two years would have been horrific without them.

  “How are you sweetheart?” Raven whispers, eying the baby, who’s turning over in her sleep.

  “I’m good. I have to be going; I have to work ridiculously early tomorrow,” she laughs.

  “Did you get some cake?” I ask.

  “Yeah, Steven fixed me a plate. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving, girly,” she says before giving me a hug. “See you, princess,” she whispers, kissing Caylen on the forehead.

  “Thanks for coming, Angie. I know you’ll have a long day tomorrow.”

  “Like I’d have missed this,” she says zipping up her jacket. “Oh, Hillary’s knocked out on your couch. I was supposed to give her a ride home, but you know how cranky she is if you wake her,” Angela laughs.

  “She’ll be fine. Steven can take her home or she can sleep here tonight, and I’ll take her in the morning” I assure her.

  “Come walk me out,” Angela gestures. She waves to Raven as we leave the room. “Bye Ms. Brooks.”

  “Drive safely, Hon.”

  Angela and I get to the front door, and she stops before opening it. “You okay?”

  “Just tired,” I smile, letting a yawn escape my mouth. “I didn’t think having a party for a one year old would be so tiring,” I laugh.

  “We spent more time setting up the party than having it,” she laughs as she opens the door. “I know my way out. You get some rest—you look tired,” she says with a frown.

  “Gee thanks,” I laugh lightly.

  She smiles softly. “You know what I mean.”

  “I do,” I sigh, looking her in the eye. Angela and I have probably grown closer than all of my other friends since she stuck with me during one of the worst times of my life. She doesn’t have to guess why or how I’m feeling most of the time. She knows.

  “Hey, don’t forget your cake!” Steven comes out of the kitchen with a plate wrapped in aluminum foil.

  “Thank you. And it looks like you’re taking Hillary home.” Angela hits him playfully on the chest.

  “When was that decided?” Steven raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

  “Well you’re the last one here, so you win,” Angela laughs, taking her plate from him.

  “Want me to walk you out?” Steven asks her.

  “I’m a big girl; I can make it on my own.”

  “Text me when you get in your car safely,” Steven tells her. His big brother instinct is kicking in, and I can’t help but smile.

  “I will, dad,” she teases. “Bye, kiddies,” she says, shutting the door behind her.

  I go and lock it. “Now the fun of cleaning begins! Yay!”

  “So much fun, I’ll do it myself,” Steven says with fake enthusiasm.

  “No. I can’t let you do that,” I say, and I start picking up Caylen’s toys that are scattered around the floor.

  He laughs and starts taking toys out of my hands. “Oh come on, cleaning to me is all kinds of fun.”

  “You sure?” He’s been doing so much for me lately.

  “Absolutely. You go lie down. I’m sure Caylen has tired you out.

  I look at his soft smile and feel myself blush.

  “Steven,” I say nervously and begin to fiddle with my fingertips. “Raven’s spending the night, so that basically guarantees me a babysitter tomorrow. I haven’t been out in a while, and I was wondering if you’d—if you’d want to have lunch with me?” I feel like I’m fourteen again.

  I watch his face as his expression softens, then blooms into a coy smile. “I’d love to.”

  I begin to giggle.

  “Why do I feel like I’m in high school all of a sudden?” he teases.

  I laugh. “Want to meet at 11:00?”

  “Sure.”

  “Good. Okay, so, in case I’m asleep when you leave, good night.” The next thing I do surprises even me. I kiss him on the cheek.

  He looks surprised by it, but then his gaze moves behind me and his eyes widen. I turn around to see Raven behind me. Dammit.

  “I just came to help clean up,” she says, surprised.

  “Party time,” he teases.

  Raven smiles. I can’t help but grin at her. She’s actually being nice to him.

  “Well, I’ll let you two crazy kids get started,” I laugh, heading up the stairs. She waves, and they start moving things around. I feel happy. I’m glad Raven’s starting to give him more of a chance.

  When I reach the second floor of the loft I peep in Caylen’s room to make sure she’s still sleeping before heading to mine. When I reach my room I close the door behind me and walk over to my mirror. I sigh at my appearance. When you have kids your style sure as hell changes. Glamorous clothes for me now are a clean t-shirt and jeans, and I’ve traded my flat iron for air drying something I NEVER used to do.

  I grab the baby monitor off my dresser and take it bed with me. As soon as I lie down, I realize I’m lying on top of Caylen’s Speak and Say. Moving it to the other side of the bed, I laugh to myself at how much things have changed in two years. I yawn and feel myself drifting to sleep.

  “Hon. I forgot my contact solution. I’m going to run to the drug store and grab a bottle,” Raven says standing in my doorway. “Make sure you lock up.”

  “Ok I will,” I say with a yawn, just a few more minutes of rest…

  ***

  I wake up to Caylen’s crying. I must have drifted off to sleep. Raven must not be back yet. I get out of bed and head towards Caylen’s room, but when I attempt to open my door, it doesn’t. A wave of panic washes over me, and I frantically twist and pull the knob, but it doesn’t budge. I can’t get out! I can’t get to my baby! I turn and snatch my phone up to call Raven.

  “Shhhh, no crying, sweetheart. Daddy doesn’t cry, and you’re just like daddy.” The voice through the monitor sends chills through my body. I hear the crying stop.

  “I have something for you,” it says again. My heart is racing but I can’t move. I manage to put the monitor closer to my ear.

  “I’ve missed you. No one could keep me from seeing you today,” My chest is so tight, I have to remind myself to breathe. A few seconds pass, and Raven’s voice, reaches me faintly from the earpiece of the phone I just dropped. I’m snapped back to reality, this is not a dream.

  “It’s Cal!” I say in utter disbelief, losing my grip on the phone as I try to pick it up again.

  “I’ve missed your mom, too. I just don’t want to complicate things, and I don’t want to hurt her anymore,” he says. Tears start to pour down my cheeks.

  He laughs lightly. “You’re lucky you get to see her all the time. This probably wasn’t the smartest thing. I wish I could tear myself in half; it’d make things easier for everyone.”

  A few more seconds pass and I hear Caylen make the sound that she makes when she’s fascinated by something and studying it intently. “I’m not going to be able to see you for a while, and I don’t have much time…” his tone changes from regretful to having a sense of urgency.

  Suddenly, my body is fully capable of taking action. “Cal!” I shout, trying my best to open the door. I can’t get to him.

  “Cal, wait!” I shout repeatedly. I don’t know how much time passes as I keep trying to open the door, but finally, I hear footsteps approaching. When I stop yelling and pounding on the door, the silence is palpable. I step back from it, my heart seeking freedom from my chest. The knob turns, and I stop breathing; but when it opens, only Raven is standing in front of me.

  “Lauren, what’s wrong? You hung up on me, the door was still open, you’re screaming at
the top of your lungs…” Raven asks frantically.

  “Cal,” I race past Raven into Caylen’s room. She looks up from her crib and smiles at me. I open her closet and see no one is there. Raven has rushed in the room behind me.

  “Lauren, honey what’s wrong? What happened?” She leads me back over to the lounger and sits down, gathering me in her arms.

  “He was here, he was here, Raven,” I stammer, in between sobs.

  “Cal was here?” she asks frantically.

  “He was here! He was in here with Caylen, talking to her,” I whimper, trying to catch my breath.

  “You saw him?” Raven asks, confusion evident on her face.

  “I-I heard him. On the baby monitor, I heard him talking to her,” I sniff.

  Her expression changes. “Honey, did you actually see him?” she asks urgently.

  “No, Raven, but I heard him. I was locked in my room. He had to have locked the door!” I yell at her.

  “Honey, are you sure you weren’t dreaming?” she asks, trying to hug me and I pull away.

  “No,” I tell her, beginning to cry harder. She looks at me in disbelief. “I wasn’t fucking dreaming!” I shout. Her face looks perplexed. I realize how harsh I sound, and wipe my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” I begin to cry again. “But I wasn’t dreaming, I know I wasn’t Raven!”

  “How do you know you weren’t, sweetie?” Raven asks in a calm tone, as if speaking any louder will set me off.

  “Because I wasn’t. I’ve dreamed before, and this wasn’t a dream!” I try to convince her, though my throat is sore.

  “Maybe you imagined it.”

  “I didn’t imagine anything, I’m not hallucinating!”

  “I didn’t say you were,” she tells me quickly.

  I get up and walk over to the lounger I read to Caylen on and sink down into it, my face in my hands. “Why now then, Raven? Why, after almost two years I’ve just all of a sudden began to imagine things?” I screech.

  “Well, today is Caylen’s birthday; maybe this triggered something. Maybe you feel bad about admitting you have feelings for Steven, I don’t know!” Raven tries to reason.

  I look at her face; she won’t believe me, no matter what I say.

  “Lauren, come have a cup of tea. I’m worried about you,” she says heading out of the bedroom. I scowl at her and she sighs continuing into the hall. I pick Caylen up, and take her into my arms. I head back in her room, slamming the door behind me. Sitting down on the bed, I hold her close, thankful that she’s okay.

  “You know mommy’s not crazy, right?” I ask her. She stretches and waves her little arms, hitting me in the face. I can’t help but laugh.

  “Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I imagined it all,” I mumble to myself. Then I notice a white gold bracelet on her tiny arm that I’ve never seen before. It’s engraved with the initials D.L.G. in cursive writing. I frown, not knowing what that means.

  “But I know I’m not crazy,” I sigh in relief and hug her again.

  February 7th 2011

  Today’s our two-month anniversary and I’m ecstatic. Cal will be home from New York any minute and the steamy calls and texts we’ve been exchanging have me ready to jump him the second he hits the door. But I won’t. Tonight is going to be special. I have it all planned. Cal’s favorite band is playing at The Cave to a sold out crowd but I scored tickets from Ryan and after dinner on the rooftop Luc Helen’s chef will be making it, followed by Cal's favorite dessert: me, any way he likes.

  When I hear the door open I rush to it and jump up into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist.

  “Gorgeous.” He smiles widely before I attack his lips. He holds up easily with one arm then sets his bag down, still holding me in the other.

  “I missed you,” I purr kissing his neck.

  “You ready to show me,” he says, carrying me over to the couch. He starts to unbutton my sweater, and I lean away from him. His face drops, and I laugh.

  “Not until later, babe,” I say, climbing off him.

  “Later?” he asks the disappointment in his face like the pout of a five-year-old. He's still following me, but I continue to back away from him.

  “Yes. I have it all planned. Just be a little patient,” I say with secrecy.

  “Just to welcome me home? It’s appreciated but not needed. I want it now,” he says, catching me and picking me up.

  I laugh, but then my face drops a little.

  “You don’t know what today is?” I ask, a little disappointed--not too much, though. I mean, he is a man.

  “It’s not your birthday, is it?” he asks.

  I frown at him, and he puts me down.

  “No, it’s silly anyway,” I say trying to sound indifferent. I go and sit on our couch.

  He frowns at me. “Babe, please don’t expect me to remember all of these stupid little milestones, because if you do you’re going to be pissed at me-a lot,” he says, squatting in front of me so we’re at eye level.

  “Seriously, Cal,” I say in disbelief.

  “What?” he asks casually and I brush past him. He’s pretty much told me not to expect anything exciting or memorable from him. I wonder if holidays count? Maybe you don’t celebrate an anniversary every month and it’s only been two, but it’s been the happiest two months of my life. Stupid me, wanting to celebrate with him, he’s definitely making me rethink it.

  “You’re mad.” He sighs, going to pick up his luggage.

  “No. Well, yeah, I am. I can give you a pass for forgetting our anniversary, even though it was only two months ago but if you think I’m going to give you a pass for every holiday because you think it’s ‘’...” I trail off as he pulls out a beautifully-wrapped box all black with a red ribbon tied around it. He sets it on my lap. I look up at him and he’s smiling at me knowingly, arms folded.

  “You were saying, Mrs. Scott?”

  A huge grin spreads across my face and I roll my eyes at him.

  “You’re a jerk, you know that?” I say, embarrassed, as I untie the red bow.

  He sits beside me and kisses my neck as he watches me carefully remove the red ribbon.

  “Come on babe, tear into it!” he urges me impatiently as he tickles my side.

  “Okay, okay. It’s just so pretty,” I squeal removing the paper and when I see the golden-tan box that reads “Christian Louboutin,” I freeze. He looks at me, and a wider smile spreads across his face.

  “You didn’t!” I say, and I frantically open the box to see a pair of cherry-red daffodil-crystal-embellished suede pumps--the same pumps I remember fawning over after seeing Jessica Alba wearing them at some awards show I made him watch with me.

  “Oh my gosh! Cal,” I say, feeling awful for being mad at him.

  “Read the card,” he says with a smile, pointing to the tiny card lying in between both shoes. I open it and read the words out loud.

  “These shoes look like they’re straight out of 'The Wizard Of Oz,' but since sometimes I’m like the tornado that blew you into Oz, I guess you can wear Dorothy’s red slippers. And if I’m gone and seem lost, maybe you can do a little click and I’ll find my way home.”

  I look at him and he looks down, a little embarrassed.

  “It’s corny isn’t it?” he asks with a shy smile.

  I nod and climb on his lap.

  “As corny as you being my Prince Charming,” I say, cupping his face in my hands and kissing him softly on the lips.

  He wraps his arms around my waist, holding me down on his lap.

  “Are you going to wear them for me?” he says, a lustful glint in his eye.

  “I have the perfect white dress for them,” I say running my hands through his hair.

  “No dress. Just them,” he says biting his lip with a playful smile but I’ve known him long enough to know how serious he is.

  “Later,” I promise. “I have to run and pick up your gift,” I say hopping off his lap. I run to the console table and grab my purse.

  “No, my g
ift can be you,” he says pleadingly, and I laugh at him.

  “It will be. Tonight,” I promise again, reaching the door. His expression looks like a sad puppy's.

  “Don’t look at me like that.” I giggle, and he comes towards me. “No. Five feet,” I say threateningly, my hand on the doorknob, laughing. I know if he gets too close, I’ll be a goner.

  “I hope you’ve gotten a lot of sleep since I’ve been gone. Because you’re going to be up all night,” he says, giving me a faux-warning and my body perks up at the thought.

  “Plenty,” I say with a wink before slipping out the door.

  ***

  As I walk back into the house, the television is on downstairs, Cal is nowhere in sight. I grab the remote and turn it off. I start to call Cal’s name but I hear him upstairs.

  I make my way up and hear Cal yelling like he’s in an argument. The intensity of his voice causes me to pause not knowing if I should go back downstairs and give him his privacy or if I should rush into the room. But I don’t hear anyone else accept for Cal. I make my way up the stairs and pause before I’m right next to the door.

  “I’m fucking furious! I can’t stop taking it. What the hell am I going to do? You told me you were sure before I did this. This changes everything! I’m not going to stop--I might as well be Dex! How the fuck am I supposed to explain this? I won’t. I can’t take her through that shit. Well, figure it out fast.” My heart is pounding, and my feet feel frozen on the floor. The only thing that removes them is a thud against the wall. I try to figure out what to do. I don’t know what's going on but I’ve never heard Cal that angry before when talking to Dexter. I don’t know why but I turn around back down the stairs, and when he opens the door I pretend I’m just making my way up.

  Cal comes out, anger radiating off his face. He looks down at me, and it changes to something else. He looks almost remorseful.

  “Cal, what’s wrong? You look upset,” I say, my voice giving away my nerves.

  “Um.” He exhales and runs his hands over his face, and I see that his hand is red and scratched.

  I rush up the stairs to him and hold his wrist in my hand.