If I Break

by Portia Moore

  I can’t blow up here; I can’t boil over. I have to use this time, if not for me, for Caylen. I have to see if this is him, if he’s playing me, if everything is a lie, or even worse—if it’s the truth.

  Right now he has the upper hand, the element of surprise. I have to use this. I have to think… I jump out of my thoughts at the knocking of the door once again. I realize I subconsciously closed the door in his face.

  I can do this. I can do this. I reassure myself.

  “I’m sorry for coming like this. I-I just thought… I can come back later when you’re ready,” I hear the timid voice say before his footsteps lead away from the door.

  “No!” I quickly open the door and step out halfway to see him.

  He turns around and slowly approaches me, with each step he takes I feel like my chest tighten, making it harder for me to breathe. My eyes avoid his now, inadvertently landing on his chest since that’s where I am height-wise with him.

  “My parents said you were coming tomorrow but… I thought we… I wanted to talk to you alone if it’s okay,” he stumbles over his words.

  I glance up and see that his eyes are locked over my head; we both seem to be using the same tactics. I try to respond, but nothing comes out; so I step back and gesture for him to come in. I take a deep breath as he passes me stealing a quick glance at him before I shut the door.

  I reassure myself again that I can do this. I walk over to the sofa, trying to decide if I’d rather sit or stand, but my eyes still gravitate to him.

  I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since I’ve seen him, not including that disaster the other day. As much as I don’t want to look at him, I can’t help it at the same time.

  I fold my arms across my chest and wait for him to say something; after all he’s the one that came here. Our eyes meet and the look in his scares me. They seem so familiar, yet foreign. He looks at me as if I’m a stranger. Whenever Cal looked at me, even when I was upset with him, or he was upset, there was always something that held me, something so intense that I hated it when I was angry and enraptured with it when I wasn’t, but now, as I look in Chris's eyes, I see confusion.

  Something solemn and apologetic and it terrifies me because Cal has never been any of those things. He never took anything back, and he rarely apologized.

  The room seems to be filled with things that need to be said, questions that beg to be asked, at least on my part, but I don’t know what to say, where to begin. Where do you start with someone who you’ve known for what seems like forever who in fact, you don’t know at all?

  I convinced myself that if I had him alone, I could instantly know if this was all a lie. I tried to convince myself that it was a lie. And now, just from the look in his eyes, that always gave away so little and so much about him, I I do know. I don’t see Cal. I hold onto my wrist and start to squeeze, a habit I’ve developed when I’m nervous.

  “I don’t really know what to say to you, or where to start,” he begins in a quiet tone, his eyes looking into mine for the first time, as if he’s seeing me for the first time, almost. It only lasts a second before he looks away. He opens his mouth to say something else, but then stops, as if he’s at a loss for words completely.

  I try to think of something to say, to cut through the dead silence in the room. There’s so many things that I want to say, but not to him. Not to the person standing in front of me.

  Tears start to cloud my vision and I fight with everything in me to keep them from falling. I turn away from him and wipe my eyes quickly. I see that his eyes are glued to his feet. I realize that I have to talk to him for who he is, someone I know nothing about and that’s one of the hardest realizations I’ve come to.

  “Uhm,” I try to say, but my throat starts to burn. I look up at the ceiling trying to be stronger than I feel right now.

  “I don’t know what to say to you either, to be honest,” I say, angry at the new tears that are falling down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away and notice how uncomfortable he looks.

  “Your parents told you everything?” I ask unsurely, commanding my voice to steady.

  He sighs, still avoiding eye contact. “They told me that they’d been lying to me all of this time. That when I didn’t remember things another person was living my life for me, that they felt they should keep it from me,” he says with obvious bitterness.

  “Everyone I know and trust has been lying to me. My parents, my so called doctor,” he says, his face formed into a frown.

  “Welcome to the club,” I mumble, rubbing my temples. It seems as if I’ve had a continuous headache since I got here.

  There’s another period of silence. I notice that he’s wearing scuffed work boots; his jacket is clean, but it’s apparent that it’s been worn more than casually. His hair is different too, shorter almost. He looks like a model for Old Navy, so much more innocent than Cal. No dark colors, no mystery, it’s almost like what you see is what you get.

  “I should have known something was wrong,” he says quietly, his words snapping me from my thoughts once more.

  “I would wake up and days, sometimes months had gone by. I should have known it was bigger than what they were telling me. They made it seem like I was okay, like they had me under control. I thought my treatments were working. I didn’t know how bad it’d gotten,” he says, but it’s as if he’s talking to himself instead of me.

  “The people I trusted most lied to me,” he says in frustration.

  “You can’t blame yourself… It’s human nature to want to believe things are always good. When I talked to your parents, they thought they were doing what was best for you. Your interest was the only one they were looking out for.”

  He looks at me a little surprised. I’m surprised myself; I don’t know why I just said that. I barely know the Scotts, and we didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, but it seems, they truly love him, so much that they’d screw anyone else over for him. Though they did horrible things, they did it all for him.

  “I didn’t expect for you defend them. Especially after… they lied to you too,” he says uncertainly.

  “I’m not defending them,” I say quickly.

  “What they did was wrong; it hurt a lot people. But I don’t think they did it to be malicious or cruel. They thought they were protecting you. As a parent you’d do anything to protect your child from what you believe could hurt them. If I was in their situation, and I believed that I could keep you safe by lying to you, I would have,” I admit.

  He doesn’t say anything for a moment, his attention turns to his pocket and he pulls something out. He starts to walk closer to me, and I swallow every nerve in my body. I feel my breathing speed up and know that he must think that I’m crazy, but his expression doesn’t show it. His earlier facial expression softens, and I find myself taking a step away from him. He notices my discomfort and stops walking toward me, instead he reaches out his hand.

  “My mom said…” he drifts off, and I notice that it’s the picture I gave Mrs. Scott of Caylen. I feel a small smile spread across my face. His eyes are still locked on the picture, his expression a cross between puzzlement and worry.

  “Caylen,” I say softly touching her face on the picture. When I look up I notice his eyes are on me, and we both look away.

  “You named her after him… after Cal?” he asks.

  I nod mechanically. His eyes stay locked on the picture as he makes his way over to the sofa and sits down.

  “How old is she?” he asks, releasing a breath that he seems to have been holding in for a while.

  “She just had her first birthday three days ago,” I tell him, sitting on the edge of the sofa feeling more at ease with Caylen as the topic. I see his eyebrow rise, and he turns fully toward me.

  “You’ve been raising her alone,” he looks at me sympathetically, which I feel angry about for some reason.

  “No. My aunt and friends have been there since the beginning to help me with her. She doesn’t lack an
ything,” I explain.

  “But a father,” he says quietly. He said it, not me. “I-Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine.” I smile, missing her the more I think about her.

  “I-I mean is. Is she healthy?”

  “As a one-year-old can be.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I frown as my gaze goes toward him. “Of course I’m sure,” I tell him a bit annoyed. I’m her mother; I think I would know if she wasn’t.

  “She doesn’t do anything strange?”

  “Like what?”

  “In general?”

  “Caylen isn’t strange,” I tell him sharply.

  “No, I didn’t mean that, I just wanted to make sure she was okay,” he says, trying to clean up his words.

  I stand up. “She’s been okay an entire year of her life without you making sure she was okay. I’ve made sure she’s okay!” I say more bitter than I intend but I’ve raised her alone since birth, and he thinks that I wouldn’t know if my daughter was okay.

  “I didn’t mean anything by it. I-I don’t know what I meant,” he says seemingly genuine. He offers the picture to me. I feel guilty for some reason, and it dawns on me he’s referring to his mental condition, even though it may be over-reaching. I guess that’s something I’ll need to worry about sooner or later if this is hereditary, but that’ll have to go to the back of my queue of things to go crazy over.

  “I’m sorry. I overreacted,” I say apologetically, “I’m-I’m just not used to this, all of this… it’s all—” I say unable to excuse my erratic behavior.

  “No, it was my fault; I was out of line. I shouldn’t have asked such a stupid question,” he cuts me off.

  Silence fills the air again, and we both sigh.

  “She’s fine, she a perfectly normal healthy one year old.” He turns his attention back to the picture with a slight smile at first, then it spreads widely; it’s almost as if half the worry from his expression is gone. It’s the first time he’s smiled since… well in a long time. Actually, it’s the first one I’ve seen from him… from Chris, but it’s still one that I’ve missed. He sits down on the sofa again, and I cautiously sit beside him, looking at Caylen’s picture in his hand.

  “She has your eyes, they turn like yours do,” I say cautiously, almost as if the comment is too personal to be allowed. He looks uncomfortable.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I knew I shouldn’t have…

  “I-I mean I…” I stumble further, embarrassing us both until he looks up from the picture and smiles at me.

  Butterflies start to go crazy in my stomach. I start to silently pray that my cheeks aren’t as red as I think they are. He turns his attention away from me, pretending not to notice, then his smile disappears into an almost worried stare.

  “How are we supposed to deal with this?” he asks quietly, almost uncertain of what more to say. “I-I don’t know how to deal with this…” he says, wringing his hands as he lets out a sigh of frustration before standing again.

  “You don’t know anything about me. I don’t know anything about you. And this Cal guy…” he covers his face exasperatedly. “I mean…I have a daughter I don’t even remember…” he drifts off laughing angrily.

  “Years of my life,” he continues. “All of these things happened, and I don’t remember any of it. No one bothered to tell me. What am I supposed to do with this?” He anxiously begins pacing the room. “I’m trying. I really am… I thought if I could make the first step in talking to you that I could do it but…”

  I can see the confusion in his face, the worry, the uncertainty. He’s just as lost as I am, maybe even more. I don’t know what to say to change that, or if I can say anything to change it. I’m not used to seeing him so frantic and on edge. This isn’t the him I’m used to at all.

  “I know this is hard for you. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through right now,” I say honestly, trying to comfort him in some form.

  “I don’t know anything about you,” his tone is apologetic, but his eyes and expression are compassionate. Still his words hurt; they feel like a knife penetrating through my heart. That familiar face is looking back at me, but his eyes show no sign of recognition, nor do his words. “But when you look at me, it’s as if you know everything about me,” he says, his eyes on me, staring into mine as if he’s trying to see inside me, as though if he stared hard enough, he’d have the answers to all his questions.

  “I have enough trouble with one life,” he says with a sardonic laugh. “How am I’m supposed to deal with one I don’t know anything about? One that… that isn’t really mine?” he says to himself.

  I open my mouth to respond to him and then realize that he thinks this is easier for me. It almost seems as if he doesn’t realize what I’ve been through… what I’m going through.

  I pause, trying to carefully choose my words so as not to agitate or overwhelm him.

  “When your parents told me about you,” I begin warily. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced; the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to listen to. I was hurt and confused; I didn’t even believe them… I didn’t want to believe them,” I say, clenching my wrist as I continue. “I’m still hurt. I am still confused. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to… to you,” I hear my voice crack and he turns around to face me.

  “I can’t compromise with someone I don’t know either.” I take a few breaths to try and steady my heartbeat, but it’s futile as my pulse continues to race. I can feel his eyes on me and I continue to stare at the floor.

  “When you look at me… it’s as if I’m a burden… a problem, and you have no idea how much that hurts,” I swallow the lump in my throat, hot tears in my eyes as I finally look up at him. He looks as if he’s going to say something, then doesn’t. His eyes take my place and become glued to the floor.

  “I don’t blame you for it,” I quickly add. “I can’t... But you have to understand that you have Cal’s…” I laugh as the tears are unavoidable, but I try and maintain a steady voice as I continue.

  “You… You have his smile, his voice, his eyes…” I feel myself smile through my tears when I think back to when Cal would smile at me, without being condescending, manipulative or arrogant—those rare moments when he’d truly smile.

  “When I look at you… I can’t help but see him. And it hurts knowing that you weren’t the one who stole my heart when you first smiled at me, who took me bungee jumping on our first date, that you weren’t the one who told me I’m the only woman you have ever loved. But you’re… you’re not him, and you’re in love with someone else,” I feel embarrassed as the tears stream down my cheeks, but he needs to see them, to know that I’m a person.

  “So, I’m sort of having a hard time with this,” I chuckle, finally wiping away some of the fallen tears. “Even knowing all of it, I don’t how I’m supposed to get past it,” I explain.

  “How I’m supposed to deal with this… if I even can, but I’m willing to try because of that little girl in that picture. I’d do anything for her, including giving up the only person I’ve ever been in love with…”

  He looks at me, dumbfounded. I feel myself starting to break down and I take a deep breath, wiping away all of my tears once more, commanding my eyes to stop it. I walk over to him forcing myself to see someone new, to not see Cal, but to see …Chris.

  “I-I’m sorry. Please don’t cry,” his voice is shaky his expression is one I’ve never seen before. I see him looking around nervously his hands search his pocket and he pulls out a napkin the rough kind that usually comes from a fast food restaurant. I take it and wipe my eyes.

  “I know you didn’t ask for this,” I say.

  “I know that this isn’t your fault. And I know that you want to believe none of this is your problem, but it is, and it’s mine too… But it’s not Caylen’s.”

  “I’m willing to accept that you’re not Cal, that you aren’t my husband; I can learn to do that. But
I can’t relieve you of being Caylen’s father. You’re part of her,” I say, sternly enough to get the point across, yet tender enough as to not frighten him, “and that’s all I’m really sure about. That’s all that I can think of to say to you.”

  The silence returns.

  I walk over to the sofa and sit down, resting my head in my hands. A few minutes later I feel him sit beside me. I look over at him; he’s in deep thought with his hands clasped together. I’ve never seen him… Cal… like this before. Cal never let me know when anything was wrong accept that one occasion; when he was upset about anything, he always tried to hide it. He was very good at doing it.

  “My parents say that he’s… They describe him like…” he trails off as if he’s trying to find the right words, afraid of offending me.

  “Oh I know,” I answer.

  “Your father didn’t hesitate to tell me what he thought of Cal,” I say with a sigh.

  “Is he…? Was he…?”

  “The person your parents describe isn’t who Cal was to me,” I tell him, although busy looking at my hands.

  “Don’t get me wrong, he could be arrogant, mean, and snide… a lot,” I say honestly. “But that isn’t all there was to him,” I add in defense, “He’s so much more than that. He could be kind… caring… protective,” I smile as I reminisce back on the earlier part of our relationship, how infatuated I was with him, like I was in high school with a crush on a teacher. He had me wrapped around his finger, for God’s sake. I laugh at the ridiculousness of it.

  “He's extremely intelligent, confident, and persuasive; he could talk anyone into doing what he wanted. He was handsome, incredibly sexy…” I say with a laugh before I realize what I just said… Oh God I did not just say that out loud!

  I glance over and see that his cheeks are bright red. He’s blushing! I realize that in my entire life I’ve never seen him blush. I’m staring; staring isn’t good, not good at all… Say something!

  Thankfully his phone rings and breaks this embarrassing silence. He takes it out and looks at it.