Vampires 3

by J. R. Rain

  As the chaise drove up to the door of the inn, this man made an observation to the other to the following effect,—

  "A-hoy!"

  "Well, you lubber, what now?" cried the other.

  "They call this the Nelson's Arms; and you know, shiver me, that for the best half of his life he had but one."

  "D—n you!" was the only rejoinder he got for this observation; but, with that, he seemed very well satisfied.

  "Heave to!" he then shouted to the postilion, who was about to drive the chaise into the yard. "Heave to, you lubberly son of a gun! we don't want to go into dock."

  "Ah!" said the old man, "let's get out, Jack. This is the port; and, do you hear, and be cursed to you, let's have no swearing, d—n you, nor bad language, you lazy swab."

  "Aye, aye," cried Jack; "I've not been ashore now a matter o' ten years, and not larnt a little shore-going politeness, admiral, I ain't been your walley de sham without larning a little about land reckonings. Nobody would take me for a sailor now, I'm thinking, admiral."

  "Hold your noise!"

  "Aye, aye, sir."

  Jack, as he was called, bundled out of the chaise when the door was opened, with a movement so closely resembling what would have ensued had he been dragged out by the collar, that one was tempted almost to believe that such a feat must have been accomplished all at once by some invisible agency.

  He then assisted the old gentleman to alight, and the landlord of the inn commenced the usual profusion of bows with which a passenger by a postchaise is usually welcomed in preference to one by a stage coach.

  "Be quiet, will you!" shouted the admiral, for such indeed he was. "Be quiet."

  "Best accommodation, sir—good wine—well-aired beds—good attendance—fine air—"

  "Belay there," said Jack; and he gave the landlord what no doubt he considered a gentle admonition, but which consisted of such a dig in the ribs, that he made as many evolutions as the clown in a pantomime when he vociferates hot codlings.

  "Now, Jack, where's the sailing instructions?" said his master.

  "Here, sir, in the locker," said Jack, a he took from his pocket a letter, which he handed to the admiral.

  "Won't you step in, sir?" said the landlord, who had begun now to recover a little from the dig in the ribs.

  "What's the use of coming into port and paying harbour dues, and all that sort of thing, till we know if it's the right, you lubber, eh?"

  "No; oh, dear me, sir, of course—God bless me, what can the old gentleman mean?"

  The admiral opened the letter, and read:—

  "If you stop at the Nelson's Aims at Uxotter, you will hear of me, and I can be sent for, when I will tell you more.

  "Yours, very obediently and humbly,

  "JOSIAH CRINKLES."

  "Who the deuce is he?"

  "This is Uxotter, sir," said the landlord; "and here you are, sir, at the Nelson's Arms. Good beds—good wine—good—"

  "Silence!"

  "Yes, sir—oh, of course"

  "Who the devil is Josiah Crinkles?"

  "Ha! ha! ha! ha! Makes me laugh, sir. Who the devil indeed! They do say the devil and lawyers, sir, know something of each other—makes me smile."

  "I'll make you smile on the other side of that d——d great hatchway of a mouth of yours in a minute. Who is Crinkles?"

  "Oh, Mr. Crinkles, sir, everybody knows, most respectable attorney, sir, indeed, highly respectable man, sir."

  "A lawyer?"

  "Yes, sir, a lawyer."

  "Well, I'm d——d!"

  Jack gave a long whistle, and both master and man looked at each other aghast.

  "Now, hang me!" cried the admiral, "if ever I was so taken in in all my life."

  "Ay, ay, sir," said Jack.

  "To come a hundred and seventy miles see a d——d swab of a rascally lawyer."

  "Ay, ay, sir."

  "I'll smash him—Jack!"

  "Yer honour?"

  "Get into the chaise again."

  "Well, but where's Master Charles? Lawyers, in course, sir, is all blessed rogues; but, howsomdever, he may have for once in his life this here one of 'em have told us of the right channel, and if so be as he has, don't be the Yankee to leave him among the pirates. I'm ashamed on you."

  "You infernal scoundrel; how dare you preach to me in such a way, you lubberly rascal?"

  "Cos you desarves it."

  "Mutiny—mutiny—by Jove! Jack, I'll have you put in irons—you're a scoundrel, and no seaman."

  "No seaman!—no seaman!"

  "Not a bit of one."

  "Very good. It's time, then, as I was off the purser's books. Good bye to you; I only hopes as you may get a better seaman to stick to you and be your walley de sham nor Jack Pringle, that's all the harm I wish you. You didn't call me no seaman in the Bay of Corfu, when the bullets were scuttling our nobs."

  "Jack, you rascal, give us your fin. Come here, you d——d villain. You'll leave me, will you?"

  "Not if I know it."

  "Come in, then"

  "Don't tell me I'm no seaman. Call me a wagabone if you like, but don't hurt my feelings. There I'm as tender as a baby, I am.—Don't do it."

  "Confound you, who is doing it?"

  "The devil."

  "Who is?"

  "Don't, then."

  Thus wrangling, they entered the inn, to the great amusement of several bystanders, who had collected to hear the altercation between them.

  "Would you like a private room, sir?" said the landlord.

  "What's that to you?" said Jack.

  "Hold your noise, will you?" cried his master. "Yes, I should like a private room, and some grog."

  "Strong as the devil!" put in Jack.

  "Yes, sir-yes, sir. Good wines—good beds—good—"

  "You said all that before, you know," remarked Jack, as he bestowed upon the landlord another terrific dig in the ribs.

  "Hilloa!" cried the admiral, "you can send for that infernal lawyer, Mister Landlord."

  "Mr. Crinkles, sir?"

  "Yes, yes."

  "Who may I have the honour to say, sir, wants to see him?"

  "Admiral Bell."

  "Certainly, admiral, certainly. You'll find him a very conversible, nice, gentlemanly little man, sir."

  "And tell him as Jack Pringle is here, too," cried the seaman.

  "Oh, yes, yes—of course," said the landlord, who was in such a state of confusion from the digs in the ribs he had received and the noise his guests had already made in his house, that, had he been suddenly put upon his oath, he would scarcely have liked to say which was the master and which was the man.

  "The idea now, Jack," said the admiral, "of coming all this way to see a lawyer."

  "Ay, ay, sir."

  "If he'd said he was a lawyer, we would have known what to do. But it's a take in, Jack."

  "So I think. Howsomdever, we'll serve him out when we catch him, you know."

  "Good—so we will."

  "And, then, again, he may know something about Master Charles, sir, you know. Lord love him, don't you remember when he came aboard to see you once at Portsmouth?"

  "Ah! I do, indeed."

  "And how he said he hated the French, and quite a baby, too. What perseverance and sense. 'Uncle,' says he to you, 'when I'm a big man, I'll go in a ship, and fight all the French in a heap,' says he. 'And beat 'em, my boy, too,' says you; cos you thought he'd forgot that; and then he says, 'what's the use of saying that, stupid?—don't we always beat 'em?'"

  The admiral laughed and rubbed his hands, as he cried aloud,—

  "I remember, Jack—I remember him. I was stupid to make such a remark."

  "I know you was—a d——d old fool I thought you."

  "Come, come. Hilloa, there!"

  "Well, then, what do you call me no seaman for?"

  "Why, Jack, you bear malice like a marine."

  "There you go again. Goodbye. Do you remember when we were yard arm to yard arm with those two
Yankee frigates, and took 'em both! You didn't call me a marine then, when the scuppers were running with blood. Was I a seaman then?"

  "You were, Jack—you were; and you saved my life."

  "I didn't."

  "You did."

  "I say I didn't—it was a marlin-spike."

  "But I say you did, you rascally scoundrel.—I say you did, and I won't be contradicted in my own ship."

  "Call this your ship?"

  "No, d—n it—I—"

  "Mr. Crinkles," said the landlord, flinging the door wide open, and so at once putting an end to the discussion which always apparently had a tendency to wax exceedingly warm.

  "The shark, by G—d!" said Jack.

  A little, neatly dressed man made his appearance, and advanced rather timidly into the room. Perhaps he had heard from the landlord that the parties who had sent for him were of rather a violent sort.

  "So you are Crinkles, are you?" cried the admiral. "Sit down, though you are a lawyer."

  "Thank you, sir. I am an attorney, certainly, and my name as certainly is Crinkles."

  "Look at that."

  The admiral placed the letter in the little lawyer's hands, who said,—

  "Am I to read it?"

  "Yes, to be sure."

  "Aloud?"

  "Read it to the devil, if you like, in a pig's whisper, or a West India hurricane."

  "Oh, very good, sir. I—I am willing to be agreeable, so I'll read it aloud, if it's all the same to you."

  He then opened the letter, and read as follows:—

  "To Admiral Bell.

  "Admiral,—Being, from various circumstances, aware that you take a warm and a praiseworthy interest in your nephew, Charles Holland, I venture to write to you concerning a matter in which your immediate and active co-operation with others may rescue him from a condition which will prove, if allowed to continue, very much to his detriment, and ultimate unhappiness.

  "You are, then, hereby informed, that he, Charles Holland, has, much earlier than he ought to have done, returned to England, and that the object of his return is to contract a marriage into a family in every way objectionable, and with a girl who is highly objectionable.

  "You, admiral, are his nearest and almost his only relative in the world; you are the guardian of his property, and, therefore, it becomes a duty on your part to interfere to save him from the ruinous consequences of a marriage, which is sure to bring ruin and distress upon himself and all who take an interest in his welfare.

  "The family he wishes to marry into is named Bannerworth, and the young lady's name is Flora Bannerworth. When, however, I inform you that a vampyre is in that family, and that if he marries into it, he marries a vampyre, and will have vampyres for children, I trust I have said enough to warn you upon the subject, and to induce you to lose no time in repairing to the spot.

  "If you stop at the Nelson's Arms at Uxotter, you will hear of me. I can be sent for, when I will tell you more.

  "Yours, very obediently and humbly,

  "JOSIAH CRINKLES."

  "P.S. I enclose you Dr. Johnson's definition of a vampyre, which is as follows:

  "VAMPYRE (a German blood-sucker)—by which you perceive how many vampyres, from time immemorial, must have been well entertained at the expense of John Bull, at the court of St. James, where no thing hardly is to be met with but German blood-suckers."

  _____________

  The lawyer ceased to read, and the amazed look with which he glanced at the face of Admiral Bell would, under any other circumstances, have much amused him. His mind, however, was by far too much engrossed with a consideration of the danger of Charles Holland, his nephew, to be amused at anything; so, when he found that the little lawyer said nothing, he bellowed out,—

  "Well, sir?"

  "We—we—well," said the attorney.

  "I've sent for you, and here you are, and here I am, and here's Jack Pringle. What have you got to say?"

  "Just this much," said Mr. Crinkles, recovering himself a little, "just this much, sir, that I never saw that letter before in all my life."

  "You—never—saw—it?"

  "Never."

  "Didn't you write it?"

  "On my solemn word of honour, sir, I did not."

  Jack Pringle whistled, and the admiral looked puzzled. Like the admiral in the song, too, he "grew paler," and then Mr. Crinkles added,—

  "Who has forged my name to a letter such as this, I cannot imagine. As for writing to you, sir, I never heard of your existence, except publicly, as one of those gallant officers who have spent a long life in nobly fighting their country's battles, and who are entitled to the admiration and the applause of every Englishman."

  Jack and the admiral looked at each other in amazement, and then the latter exclaimed,—

  "What! This from a lawyer?"

  "A lawyer, sir," said Crinkles, "may know how to appreciate the deeds of gallant men, although he may not be able to imitate them. That letter, sir, is a forgery, and I now leave you, only much gratified at the incident which has procured me the honour of an interview with a gentleman, whose name will live in the history of his country. Good day, sir! Good day!"

  "No! I'm d——d if you go like that," said Jack, as he sprang to the door, and put his back against it. "You shall take a glass with me in honour of the wooden walls of Old England, d——e, if you was twenty lawyers."

  "That's right, Jack," said the admiral. "Come, Mr. Crinkles, I'll think, for your sake, there may be two decent lawyers in the world, and you one of them. We must have a bottle of the best wine the ship—I mean the house—can afford together."

  "If it is your command, admiral, I obey with pleasure," said the attorney; "and although I assure you, on my honour, I did not write that letter, yet some of the matters mentioned in it are so generally notorious here, that I can afford you information concerning them."

  "Can you?"

  "I regret to say I can, for I respect the parties."

  "Sit down, then—sit down. Jack, run to the steward's room and get the wine. We will go into it now starboard and larboard. Who the deuce could have written that letter?"

  "I have not the least idea, sir."

  "Well—well, never mind; it has brought me here, that's something, so I won't grumble much at it. I didn't know my nephew was in England, and I dare say he didn't know I was; but here we both are, and I won't rest till I've seen him, and ascertained how the what's-its-name—"