The Long Walk Back

by Rachel Dove

  When she had safely shut the door to her quarters behind her, she looked at the nail on the wall where the mirror had once hung. Laying down on her unmade bed, she touched her fingers to her lips, where his thumb had brushed them. What a day, she thought to herself, as she fell asleep thinking of broken soldiers, mute boys, and shattered lives.

  ***

  The next morning, Kate was scheduled to have a meeting with Trevor, to discuss her patient’s progress. To say she was dreading it was an understatement, but Trevor was too distracted with the news about Jamie to press her for any details.

  ‘So, Jamie spoke, and laughed, I heard! That’s amazing!’ Trevor was jiggling from foot to foot in his office, and he was making Kate feel nauseous.

  ‘Okay Trevor, calm down, I haven’t had my coffee yet!’ she laughed at him, and Trevor grinned all the more.

  ‘And a laugh from you! Wow, the Captain is really working his magic, huh?’

  Kate flushed at the mention of Cooper, and an image flashed in her mind of him looking into her eyes, his face close to hers, his thumb touching her lip. ‘He seemed to get through to him, yes,’ she replied reluctantly, hoping that Trevor would let the subject drop. She knew just what he meant by magic, and she wasn’t going to play into it. Trevor must have picked up on this, and he changed the subject.

  ‘Well, that’s good, and since he’s doing okay with therapy, keeping active, we can probably decrease your time with him a little, get you back on the patient rotation. I understand he has refused the prosthetics, so I don’t think there’s much more to do, unless you disagree?’

  Kate wanted to disagree. She wanted to protest, to fight for more time with Cooper, but what could she say? ‘I quite like him now, he’s growing on me’? ‘I think I can get through to him’? The point was, she didn’t know that she could change his mind. And she did miss seeing other patients, having new challenges. ‘Yes, that’s good with me,’ she replied. Trevor turned away from his desk to the filing cabinet at the far wall. Drawing out a couple of files, he put them on the desk in front of her.

  ‘Okay then, Tuesday 1st, start seeing these guys. See out the month with Cooper, and then we will reduce the days with him to just Mondays and Fridays. I’ll let him know.’

  Ten minutes later, Kate was on her way to call in on Jamie before her meeting with Cooper. Walking down the corridor, she made a pact with herself to try to give Cooper her all till the end of the month, when her new clients kicked in. She would work the weekend, make him work, force him to listen. He had got through to her son, she had heard Jamie laugh, a sound she had thought lost forever. She owed Cooper this time, and she wasn’t going to go down without a fight. She wouldn’t have this soldier on her conscience. She felt guilty about enough already. As she walked to Jamie’s door, she wondered whether her motives were really as clear cut and innocent as they sounded in her own head. Walking into Jamie’s room, she was surprised to see him watching television. He was dressed and sat in his chair, engrossed in his program, and for a second, she forgot that the last few months had even happened. He looked just like he normally did on a weekend at home, his facial expressions comical as he followed whatever character was in a scrape on Power Rangers this week. He turned towards her with his head and she saw a slight smile pass over his lips, before he turned back to his programme. She sat on the bed next to him, folding her trouser clad legs under her, having slipped her hospital flats off. She watched the programme for a good half hour, both of them watching the screen in silence. When she next glanced at the clock, it was time for her to go and meet Cooper, and she got up to leave. A small hand covered hers, and she looked up in surprise.

  ‘Five more minutes?’ Jamie asked tentatively. She sat back down, covering his hand with hers. Kissing it, she nodded. ‘Five more minutes baby.’

  Twenty minutes later Kate pirouetted to the rehab suite. Walking in, she sat down at the table, savouring the fantastic morning. The usual bacon and coffee smell filled the air, but something was different. Cooper’s face was pure thunder, and he was ripping into his bacon roll as though it was the spoils of a sworn enemy.

  ‘What’s got you so mad …’

  ‘What’s got you so chirpy …’

  ‘Trevor came to see me …’

  ‘Jamie spoke to me …’

  They both laughed as they spoke at once, and the tension in the air popped.

  ‘You first,’ Cooper said, passing her a roll and coffee. She took them gratefully, her tummy grumbling in anticipation.

  ‘Okay,’ she replied in between bites of breakfast. ‘I went in to see Jamie this morning, and he was watching television. He let me watch it with him, and when I went to leave, he asked me to stay. Sounds daft, but it was amazing!’

  Cooper laughed. ‘It is amazing, and it’s also cheered me up.’

  ‘So what did Trevor say?’ she asked with what she hoped was a look of innocent curiosity on her face. He wasn’t falling for it.

  She noted once more the furrowed lines deep in his brow, and she once again daydreamed about what it would be like to smooth them out with her fingertips. He seemed to be trying to rein in his anger, and she noticed his foot was jiggling against the footrest of his chair.

  ‘Do you not want to talk about it? Are you in pain?’ He shook his head, but the furrows grew deeper and his foot kept jiggling, up and down like rapid fire. Finishing another bite of her roll, she steeled herself. Was he annoyed that he had to spend time with her for a little longer? Surely she wasn’t so deplorable that he couldn’t just put up with it. After all, he would get a break from her soon enough. The pang she felt when she thought of this was swiftly pushed away to a dark recess of her brain, where everything seemed to live these days. Neil had permanent residence there, though she did pull him out now and then to give him a good mental kicking. Well, screw them all. She didn’t need to be thinking about anyone, Jamie was her life. No room for anyone else, she didn’t have the energy to hold anyone else up.

  ‘Look, I know you’re annoyed because you still have to work with me, but I have a plan.’ He had jerked his head to look at her when she spoke and his mouth had opened to speak, but he closed it instead and now he was surveying her with interest. His green eyes twinkled at her, and the image of that nearly silenced her completely. Looking away quickly she cleared her throat and worked at forming her words. Coherently, with a bit of strength behind them, so she didn’t look like a blithering idiot or a lovesick teenager. Damn those eyes.

  ‘I have a plan for the weekend. I think we should see what we can do. Give it a shot. I want you to try the prosthetics. Just once, just to see. If you do that, I think I can spring us for the weekend. I know I need some fresh air, and I think a night out would be just the ticket. So what do you say? Will you give me a chance?’ She regretted her final choice of words, but she set her jaw and looked at him square on, right into his eyes. The anger was gone from his face now, his brow was smooth, lips tight.

  ‘Deal,’ he said slowly. ‘But I pick the place. We go out Saturday, all day. Will Jamie be okay with that?’

  Kate was too flummoxed to even worry about Jamie being on his own for the day. How was she going go out with Cooper all day? She nodded absently. ‘He got a new game in the post this morning, I doubt he’ll even notice I’m gone.’ Cooper smiled, heading for the door. She had never seen him move his chair so fast. ‘Where are you going?’

  Cooper looked over his shoulder and flashed her a smile so intense that she almost bit her tongue as she drunk her coffee. ‘I’m going to plan our date with Trevor, before you back out.’

  There was a closed door between them before either even realised that the word date had been used. And neither party particularly wanted to take it back, so it hung in the air like a glistening dust mote.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Cooper looked green, and Kate could see his jaw flexing again and again as he ground his teeth. He looked dog tired, his day-old stubble clouding his cheeks. She found herself once
again wanting to look after him, and she squashed down the thought. The longer she spent with him, the more she realised just how complex a man he was. She could understand his moods, bear the brunt of his anger and his grief for a life lost, and still stand to be around him. She was terrified today. She could feel the pressure of the day upon her, what it meant if he failed. The man could walk, he just refused to try, and she couldn’t work out why. This was a man that led others into battle, risked his own life to save his comrades and, from what Trevor said, never shied away from a fight. The reasons for refusing to try eluded her, but she needed him to try despite them. She was now fast realising that her time with him was limited, and thinking about not seeing him every day gave her a knot in her stomach that she couldn’t ignore.

  It was Friday, and they had been working hard all week. Tomorrow they were out on a magical mystery tour for the day, planned by Cooper, and Kate was worried about the impact of today on their weekend. She was curious about what he had come up with, but she wasn’t entirely convinced that they would even be on speaking terms when today’s ordeal was over. Taking a breath, she gave him a tentative smile. When he gave her a nervous one back, her stomach flipped. She didn’t pick at the reason why. They were in their usual room, the weights ignored as they sat looking at the expanse of prosthetics. She had done her research, had sent out for the best types of leg available to them. Eventually, Cooper would be able to have a different transtibial prosthesis for sports too, enabling him to do more. That was all in the future though, for today he just had to get one on and be able to live with it.

  ‘You ready?’ she asked, looking across from her seat at him, perched on the end of his.

  ‘I was born ready,’ he said with a wink. They both laughed, and his attempt at being a goofball made them both feel a little better. Standing up, she squashed down the protective, nurturing feelings she felt that made her want to hold him, and got on with explaining the prosthesis to the patient, like she would any other. She was still babbling away ten minutes later when she moved to put on the stump sock. His hand covered hers and she stilled, shocked. He put her hand between both of his and without saying a word, raised it to his lips. He dropped a kiss on her palm, turning it over between his. She held her breath, hoping her hands wouldn’t betray her. She could feel a flush enveloping her body, and she prayed that the sweaty palm god would give her a pass this time.

  ‘For good luck,’ he murmured against their hands, his voice thick with something that spoke to Kate deep in her gut. Looking into his eyes, she smiled. Her stomach was doing backflips and somersaults, and she was suddenly grateful that they had skipped their usual breakfast this morning. She was pretty sure she would have been seeing it in reverse right about now. Putting on the sock, they worked together to fit the prosthesis, checking for fit and comfort. Then, wheeling himself over to the balance bars, Cooper carefully stood up. Kate kept her distance, just enough not to crowd him, close enough to catch him if he fell. Or try to, anyway. Cooper said nothing, besides letting out a small grunt. She could see the muscles in his forearms flex and quiver as he steadied himself on two legs again.

  ‘Ready?’ she asked tentatively. Cooper, red faced and ashen around the gills, nodded, a single drop of sweat escaping his rather shaggy hair line and making a run for his stubble, which these days was more like a Grizzly Adams tribute. He eyed the walkway in front of him as though it were covered in hot coals, and Kate’s heart caught in her mouth. You can do this, she thought to herself, willing him on. Go on, fight. He moved, taking a first step with his new leg. He shook as he moved forward, and wobbled as the foot came down to the mat. Putting his weight on it as gently as he could, he slowly lifted up his good leg, just for a few seconds, before setting it down again.

  He did this again; three, four, five times. Raising his head, he looked at Kate dead in the eye before sitting back down in his chair. Kate didn’t dare speak. She was waiting for him. He didn’t say a word, and she knew he was processing. He was pale and flushed, and he started to head towards the door. She watched him leave, but didn’t try to stop him. He turned at the door, giving her a small smile.

  ‘See you later,’ he said, and was gone. Kate sagged into her seat. He walked today. Big steps.

  Kate didn’t know how to dress, and she was regretting not living in the real world for once. Before, she would have popped to the shop to pick up a dress or a new pair of jeans, but now, in her bubble of an existence, she had a distinct lack of choices in the clothing department. She thought of her wardrobe at home, and she felt a pang for the simple life she had once had. Funny wasn’t it, how things seemed difficult till the truly hard times hit.

  She had long since resolved never to shout at Jamie again. When Kate thought of her nagging, raised voice berating him for not picking up his dirty socks, or refusing to have a shower, she cringed. A guilt set in so deep, a guilt only mothers knew about. The kind that led you to their bedroom late at night, to smooth their brow, whisper ‘I’m sorry’ and convince yourself that tomorrow will be a better day. Add to that a pinch of working mother angst, a dollop of ‘I wasn’t there’ agony, and you had yourself a recipe for a rather feisty dish of blame stew.

  The irony of everything was that now, Jamie was less likely to do the things that got her so mad in the first place. Things like flinging his dirty socks onto the carpet for her to find. Chances were these days he wouldn’t even bother trying to put any on.

  ‘What’s the point?’ his eyes would say to her, and some days, she was inclined to agree. What was the point? Jamie would never walk again, never wiggle his toes like he did as a baby, never kick a football. So now, they didn’t argue about socks. Kate no longer sweated the small stuff, till today.

  Today, looking at the rather frail looking rail that held her clothing, she was sweating buckets of the small stuff, since all she had was swim gear, nightwear and work wear, and everything seemed to be on the tatty side. She moved the hangers from side to side once more, as if a designer outfit would suddenly spring out in front of her, but all she was presented with was a couple of sturdy cardigans and an Avril Lavigne tour t-shirt. Not exactly ‘surprise day out’ attire. She sighed, shoulders sagging. Well, that was it. Heading for the door to tell Cooper the day was off, she was confronted by Rita, who was stood in her doorway, hand out in a knocking motion. Kate jumped.

  ‘Ooh, you scared me there, Rita!’

  Rita batted her away. ‘Sorry duck, just wanted to drop these off for you.’ Kate noticed then that Rita had two clothing holders draped over her arm, and there were two shoeboxes at her feet. Kate flushed. Did everyone know about this weekend? What did people think, exactly?

  ‘I don’t understand,’ she ventured hesitantly. Rita took her stuttered delay in response as a chance to push past her into the room, shuffling the boxes along the floor with one of her feet.

  ‘One’s for today, one’s for tonight. They’re all labelled up, so don’t be peeking at the wrong stuff, okay?’

  Kate nodded numbly as Rita laid the boxes and bags on her bed. She went to leave when Kate grabbed her arm.

  ‘Thanks Rita, I really appreciate this.’

  Rita patted her hand, smiling at her. Kate could see the crow’s feet and laughter lines on her friend’s sweet face.

  ‘You’re welcome love, but it’s not down to me. Have a good time!’

  Kate looked at the bed, confused. ‘Who did it then?’

  Rita winked at her. ‘A little birdie,’ she said, chuckling. ‘Remember, have fun.’ Rita looked as though she wanted to say more, but she stopped herself. Kate could see it was an effort for her, and once again she wondered what people around here were saying.

  ‘But?’ Kate said softly, prompting Rita to finish what she wanted to say. Rita stopped, the door handle in her hand midway closed. Turning back, she clasped her hands in front of her, and Kate swallowed as she waited to hear what came next.

  ‘Kate, don’t waste this chance. Remember, you did nothing wrong. Th
ere is so much sadness around here, such darkness and misery. Seeing a bit of light is a welcome thing. It’s something to cling to, not a thing to be feared. You deserve to be happy. More than most, as it goes.’ Kate closed her mouth, feeling herself well up. The rebuttal died in her mouth before it made it past her lips. It went unspoken as Rita said something that made Kate’s heart clench. The door closing with a click sounded like a parting shot in the quiet of the room.

  ‘Life is for living Kate, no one knows that more than Thomas. Show him.’

  Kate ran her fingers through her hair, and walked over to the bed. The top clothes bag said ‘Saturday day’ on it, and there was a matching label on the shoebox nearby. Taking a breath, she opened the bag.

  ***

  Three hours later, Kate sat with her back against a man. They were squashed up tight, her quivering back pressed up against his broad chest. She could hear her heartbeat in her head, it pounded from her ears. Boom boom boom boom. She tried to run her tongue along her lips to wet them, but it was so dry it rasped along them instead, and she swallowed hard. She felt him squeeze her arm from behind her, and point his finger in front of her. She followed where he was pointing and saw Cooper grinning at her. She couldn’t believe she was doing this and what was worse, that Jamie would be there, watching. He had been positively delirious when they had set off in the minibus that morning. She smiled despite herself as she thought of her son, giggling and teasing her on the journey to the air strip. Captain bloody Thomas Cooper had only gone and arranged a tandem skydive for them. She couldn’t say no and he knew it, which was precisely why he was grinning at her now from behind his frog goggles. She could throw him out of the plane with her bare hands right now, but since he was strapped to the other instructor, she restrained herself. Instead, she settled for a sarcastic grin and flipping him the finger. Of course, he just laughed.