The Long Walk Back

by Rachel Dove

  Leaving the solicitors, she tucked into the side of the building away from the wind and dialled a number on her phone. Roger answered after two rings.

  ‘Hello dear, how are you and Jamie? It’s lovely to hear from you!’ His warmth and friendly easiness made Kate’s stomach drop into her heels.

  ‘We’re fine thanks Roger, but I do have a favour to ask. Could you and Milly please come to the centre today? I thought you could have lunch with Jamie, and I need to speak to you too.’

  Roger didn’t speak for a moment, and Kate held her breath.

  ‘Of course,’ he said eventually. ‘We will set off as soon as we can. About an hour, okay?’

  Kate gripped the phone tight. ‘That would be good, thanks.’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  FIVE MONTHS EARLIER

  Kate paced up and down the corridor, her army issue boots thundering up and down the stark white corridor. Jamie was still under, the surgeons doing what they could to minimise his spinal injury and deal with his other injuries. He had a broken left arm, which had barely escaped having to be pinned back together, and several lacerations on his body from the twisting metal and glass of the car. Her colleague had said that his face and neck had been relatively unscathed, his brain safe. Small miracles she clutched at as she waited to be allowed to see him.

  The corridor was empty due to the fact that it was so late. Or early. Kate didn’t have a watch on, and there was no clock on the wall either, so time didn’t seem relevant this space. Which it wasn’t, not anymore. What mattered at all now? She thought of the day before, when she had been in a different time, a different place. It felt like another world now. Cooper had crashed out during the flight home, and she had sat watching him. His breathing was soothing to her. Watching his chest rise and fall, the rhythm of his beating heart and working lungs. It gave her something to focus on, whilst reminding her own organs to keep ticking over. At least till she got to Jamie, to see him once more. If he was gone, then that would be it. The end of it, without him. She just needed to see him.

  And now she was here, waiting to find out what else had happened.

  Angie, one of the scrub nurses she worked with in the operating theatre, came through the double doors at the far end. The doors swished as she entered, and Kate watched her shoes as they came squeaking down the corridor. Angie was known as Bubble to her friends and colleagues, because of her bubbly Mancunian personality and ever squeaky brand of black lace up shoes.

  The shoes stopped in front of her, and turned to sit next to her.

  ‘Kate?’ she heard her ask. Kate sighed, looking again at the shoes before looking up into the face of her friend. Angie’s face was kind, her smile slight and caring, and Kate could feel the warmth from her as the two women sat in silence.

  ‘Where’s Neil?’ Kate asked, as though he had suddenly come to mind. ‘Was he injured? Has he been seen to?’ Kate went to stand but stumbled. ‘I should check on him, he’s probably worried sick about Jamie. Does he know, I mean about his surgery?’

  Angie steadied her by reaching for her arm, and motioned for her to sit back down.

  ‘Does he know, Ang? Does he know anything at all?’

  ‘Sit down, pet.’ Angie motioned to the seat, still holding her arm. ‘Sit down, please.’

  PRESENT DAY

  Kate looked at the faces of Milly and Roger as she told them about Jamie’s accident, and the circumstances that led to a mother telling a father to leave the bedside of their gravely injured son.

  Milly was pale, her lemon two piece washing out her make up even further. She looked like she might vomit, and Kate hated herself for doing this to them. The wind was a slow breeze, taking the heat of the sun at times that shone down on the centre gardens. They were sat watching Cooper and Jamie play hoops in their chairs. Cooper was pretty steady walking but still a bit wobbly at times. Kate knew that the chair was more for Jamie’s benefit. Their laughter carried across the grass to the wooden bench they were perched on. Roger looked across at the laughter, and his stricken face melted into a smile.

  ‘That Cooper, he really is good with him isn’t he? I don’t think I ever heard Jamie laugh like that before now.’

  Kate nodded. ‘He’s had it tough, but I think we’re through the worst of it now. I thought so, anyway. I need Neil to let us go, but he won’t settle the divorce till I give him half of the house. It’s just not his to have, and he doesn’t pay towards Jamie. I’ve been paying the mortgage all this time. I’m sick of being the bad guy here, but I can’t tell Jamie the truth. It’s made this whole thing so much harder. He hates me for keeping his dad away.’

  Roger pursed his lips. ‘We need to go and find him, today. Make him talk to his son and explain just what’s going on. This is not the son we raised. No wonder he’s been avoiding us. I tried contacting him at work, but they’re very tight lipped. No wonder now, they’re obviously protecting him.’

  Kate shook her head. ‘Not him they’re protecting so much. I think it’s her that they’re trying to look after.’

  Milly still hadn’t spoken, she was sat looking down at her clasped hands. Roger nudged her gently, putting his arm around her.

  ‘Milly love, we need to sort this out.’

  Milly jerked her head to her husband, looking dazed.

  ‘Milly, we need to go and find Neil,’ he tried again. ‘We need to sort this out, for Jamie.’

  His wife looked at Jamie, who was playing hoops with some of the other soldiers now, chuckling as he passed one by with the ball in his lap.

  Cooper was at Kate’s side before she’d even realised he had moved.

  ‘Kate, I overheard, and I don’t want to cause any trouble, but …’ He looked apologetic. ‘I have an address for Neil. I know where he’s living, if you want it.’

  Roger answered before Kate could compute what he was saying to her. Looking at Cooper, she had the feeling that he had already been to that address.

  ‘Yes Cooper, we would. We can set off after lunch, catch him after work.’ He looked at Kate and she nodded. ‘Do you want to come with us Kate?’

  Kate looked at Cooper, and he pulled her hand into his, bringing it to his lips to kiss.

  ‘I think you should,’ he said softly. ‘You need to see him again, work out what’s going on. I think once you see him, you’ll know.’

  Kate shook her head. ‘It won’t make a difference Cooper, Neil and I are over. I just want this over now, so Jamie and I can move on.’

  She saw Cooper’s jaw flex. Roger steered a fragile looking Milly over to the court to see Jamie, and Cooper took a seat across from her, not letting her hand go.

  ‘Won’t make a difference to anything? Not even us?’

  ‘Cooper,’ she replied, looking at their entwined fingers. ‘All of this is too much for you, it’s not fair. It’s just too messy, and you don’t know—’

  ‘I already told you, I’m in. I know none of this is easy, but I am all in here. For you and Jamie. I don’t care about the other stuff, we can sort it, together.’

  Kate pulled her hand away from his. ‘I can’t put you through this anymore. I need to be selfish and concentrate on Jamie, and I don’t know how bad this is going to get. He won’t be happy that I involved his parents.’

  Cooper shook his head. ‘Jamie is my priority too, which is why we’re on the same page. I just can’t help feeling that you’re still holding back on me. There must be some other reason for us not to be together. Do you not love me? Is that it?’

  ‘Don’t you get it? I can’t do this!’ she yelled at him. He didn’t flinch, just kept looking at her with those piercing green eyes. She leant in closer. ‘They don’t even know everything, because I just can’t be the one to tell them. I can’t do it!’

  ‘Tell them what?’ Cooper asked. ‘Did he hit you? I swear to god, if he did I will go back there and kick his ass.’

  Kate flinched, a sad smile on her face. ‘So, you have been there. Did you meet them?’

&nbs
p; ‘I saw a woman in the house, yes. He cheated on you, right? Was he on the phone to her when the accident happened? Is that why you sent him away? I get it, Kate. I’m here. I would never do that.’

  Kate shook her head, and started to walk away. ‘You went behind my back to get his address, which tells me that you wanted to check things out for yourself. Which means you had doubts. It makes this all the easier. I’m so sorry Cooper, but all I’ve ever done is cause you pain and trouble. I’ll get Jamie to call you. Roger and Milly are going to take him in, they have a ground floor room they can convert to his room, just till I get a house sorted. Trevor is going to sort out your transfer and I will be staying on at the centre. I think we should just be friends, if we can.’

  Cooper snorted. ‘Friends?’ Kate sighed, putting her head in her hands and his gut clenched. She was shutting down again. ‘I don’t want to be your friend! I want us to be together. Can’t you see how fucked up this is, after everything we have been through? Don’t give up now.’

  Cooper took her hands away from her face and wrapped them in his on the table.

  ‘Look at me.’ His voice broke a little, and she stubbornly kept her eyes down. ‘Look at me!’ he shouted.

  She looked him straight in the eyes. ‘Cooper, it’s done. Please, respect my wishes. I’m doing it for your own good, trust me.’

  Cooper shook his head, getting up. ‘You do me a favour Missy, you want to lie to yourself, you keep me out of it. I know the truth, so don’t insult me.’

  Kate watched him walk away, heading over to Jamie. Roger and Milly looked across at her but said nothing. They didn’t say anything in the car either, when she cried all the way to the address Cooper had given them.

  Pulling up at the house, Kate saw Roger check the address written on the sheet. He turned off the engine and frowned at the sat nav.

  ‘It seems we’re here, he must be renting?’

  Kate shrugged. ‘I don’t know, maybe.’

  Milly was staring at something through the window of the house. She looked haunted, she had all morning since Kate had broken the news. Roger kept shooting her worried glances, and Kate once again silently cursed her feckless husband for being such a coward. Not that she was any better. She had just stamped all over Cooper’s heart, and her chance of being a family with a man she loved. The first and only man she had ever truly loved and cared for.

  Roger nodded to himself, and squeezed his wife’s hand.

  ‘Come on then, let’s go and see our son.’

  The knock at the door caused a dog to bark inside, and the three of them shifted from foot to foot as they heard shuffling coming from inside. The door opened, a woman’s voice ringing out.

  ‘Barney, sshh! I’m sorry, he’s no guard dog, I can tell you. Might lick you to death though.’

  The woman was pretty, Kate could see from over Roger’s shoulder. She recognised her from the company profile page, although they had never met. Funny how someone you’d never even spoken to could have such a reach in your life.

  She was looking at Roger and Milly expectantly, her face so open and friendly. She obviously had no idea who they were. Kate decided to test a theory. Stepping forward, out from behind Roger, she flashed a smile. The woman’s smile vanished, her eyes darting from face to face.

  ‘Hi,’ Kate trilled. ‘Is my husband here?’

  The woman paled. ‘Er, yes he is … just, er … I’m sorry – I’ll get him.’

  ‘You do that.’

  The woman turned to head back into the house, but was cut off by a figure. Neil was standing there, a baby dressed in pink cradled in his arms.

  ‘Who is it, honey?’ he asked.

  Kate grinned at him, feeling her chest hammering with the simmering anger she felt inside. If he hadn’t got that innocent baby in his arms, she felt sure she could have launched herself at him like a wildcat. All teeth and fur flying. She wanted to rip him apart.

  ‘Honey, well, you haven’t called me that in a while. I came to talk about the house, and your firstborn. Remember him?’

  Neil flapped his lips like a fish struggling for breath, and the woman took the girl from him, disappearing into a room and closing the door behind them. Neil didn’t seem to know what to do with his arms now they were empty, and he kept crossing and uncrossing them. Milly started to cry, and Roger put his arm around her.

  ‘Neil?’ he said to his son. ‘I think you had better let us in, unless you want to do this on your doorstep.’

  Neil looked at his dad and moved aside. ‘Come in.’

  The room was clean and tidy, decorated in light tones and with minimal clutter. It was actually quite homely, even Kate had to acknowledge it was a nice home. Her home, Kate could tell. Her husband had landed right on his feet. In one corner of the room, she could see a baby play gym laid out on a blanket. Milly was at the mantelpiece, a picture in her hands. Neil was stood at the doorway, as though he needed to be near the exit. Typical Neil. Roger sat in the chair, looking around the room in obvious disgust. Kate perched herself on the end of the sofa.

  ‘Mum?’ Neil ventured. Milly turned to look at him, thrusting the frame in his direction. It was a photo of Neil, smiling in scrubs, at the side of the woman who was sat in a hospital bed smiling with a newborn in her arms.

  ‘Was this the day? The day she was born?’

  Neil nodded, smiling a little, but Milly exploded.

  ‘Don’t you smile at me, you disgusting man. You left your son fighting for his life while you ran to the side of your pregnant fancy piece?’

  ‘Mum, she was in labour. What could I do? Jamie had people with him, I couldn’t do anything, and the baby was coming. When I got the call in the car, I panicked. She was early, she wasn’t doing well. I had to make a choice.’

  Kate snorted. ‘Oh you made that alright, but you seem to have made all the wrong choices. I’m here for Jamie, and I need you to sign these. I won’t ask for a penny in child support, I don’t want a thing from you. I just want what’s mine. Roger, Milly, I’ll make my own way home.’

  Kate pulled a large envelope out of her bag and dropped it onto the coffee table, next to a half-empty baby bottle of milk. The irony was not lost on anyone as she stormed out of the door. She was halfway down the drive when Neil came after her. He grabbed her arm, and she pushed him off.

  ‘Get the hell off me!’ she screamed, pushing him hard in the chest. Neil dropped back, holding his hands up in surrender.

  ‘I’m sorry! I get it, I just wanted to know if Jamie is okay?’

  His words earned him a slap around the face. She slapped him as hard as she could, and he took it. They both stood there, breathing hard. Kate’s hand stung from the slap. It felt good. She wished she could do it again, but she had the feeling she wouldn’t stop. No good for anyone.

  ‘How dare you ask me that? I know I sent you away, but when I found out you were distracted on that call, I lost it. Neil, you caused that crash, and then you left our son alone while you went to see your new family. Who does that?’

  Neil gritted his teeth. ‘I was there, Kate. For months before, looking after him while you were off doing your own thing.’

  ‘I was working! Doing important things like saving lives, I didn’t abandon him like you did!’

  ‘Can I see him?’ he asked. ‘I need to see him. I’m so sorry, I will make this right, I promise.’

  Kate wanted to tell him to go to hell, to see his face crumble when she informed him that he would never set eyes on their son again, but then she thought of Jamie and the words stuck in her throat.

  ‘If you see him, you have to tell him everything. I mean it, you can’t hide anymore. I have protected you enough, but I do owe you that. It’s not about us, it’s about him.’

  Neil nodded and Kate started to walk away.

  ‘Kate, will you thank the man that came, in the chair? I assume that he was the one who told you where I was. I know I’m a coward, but I am glad to talk.’

  Kate didn’t answer,
she headed down the street as fast as she could walk. Not for the first time, she realised that Cooper really was all in. She just wished that she could be the uncomplicated woman he deserved.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  They walked into the ballroom side by side, but the gulf between them could have made the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the pavement. It felt wretched, and Kate was constantly battling the sting of tears. The last thing she wanted to do was break down and show him up in front of everyone. She wanted to be here for him, see him through this evening. Be his rock for once.

  Since the day she had seen Neil, things had been better for Jamie. Neil had come to the centre with his parents, and told him the truth. Things had been rough, but Neil and Jamie were in contact with each other, and tentative steps had been taken. Baby steps, as she told Jamie. Sometimes, it took a while to get to where you needed to be. Jamie had hugged her tight. She had her boy back, finally. Cooper had been there for him, a sounding board for his confusion and anger. Things were better, Jamie was living with his grandparents till the house sale finished, and she was getting back to normal with Trevor. Whatever normal was before. The only thing missing now was Cooper, and Kate was broken without him. She wanted to talk to him, to explain how she felt, but she wouldn’t put him in the crosshairs of the complications again.

  They had skirted around each other in the centre. The only conversations they had were when Jamie was present, and Cooper kept himself to himself when she saw him around the centre. The only personal contact she’d had was a text asking her if she would still come with him tonight, as his date. So here they were. A night of champagne and silent yearning. Perfect.

  The room was huge, all lit by strategic soft lighting. The ceiling was festooned in cream silky swathes of fabric, all gathered together in the middle and splayed out to the corners of the room. It looked magnificent, and Kate was glad that she had made the extra effort with her outfit. She felt a chill despite the candles lighting up the tables, and she saw Cooper flinch as he caught her shiver. He turned his head to look at her bare arms.