by Annie Walker
Her gaze found mine for just a moment, pleading before I looked away. Somehow, I managed to focus on my grandmother and Lee straight ahead.
I’m not sure why it had never once occurred to me that Rachel might choose to attend her mother’s wedding. After all, I knew Gran had long ago made peace with her and they kept in touch. Gran had been trying for years to get me to see my mother.
Rachel didn’t attend the reception. I think she’d seen how angry I was and chose not to ruin my grandmother’s day. For me, the happiness of the day was over.
“That was her, wasn’t it, little bit?” Jackson asked the moment we were alone.
“Yes. I can’t believe she had the nerve to show up here today.” I was so angry with her, even though I knew that she had just as much right to be there as myself. It was her mother, after all.
“Maggie, Sarah is her family as well.” Jackson tried to reason with me, but I didn’t want to be reasonable. I was dead set on hating my mother for the rest of my life.
The rest of the day, although I tried not to show my grandmother, was sheer torture to get through. I half expected my mother to show up either at the reception or later on at the house, so I spent most of the day looking back over my shoulder.
When the couple left for the airport, Jackson and I went back to my grandmother’s house where we were going to stay a few more days before heading back to Austin.
That night, my past came back to me, this time clearer than ever before. My mother was there as always, but she was the woman that I had seen today, not the woman she’d been all those years ago.
I woke covered in sweat and shivering from the cold. It was a long time before I realized it was not that time anymore. I wasn’t that little girl; I was a grown woman completely in control of her life. The little girl that still existed in me from that past was always close by to remind me just how fragile my happiness really was.
I lay perfectly still, trying to calm my frantically beating pulse while praying that I wouldn’t wake Jackson. After I was certain he was still sleeping, I got out of bed and made the all too familiar trek out to my secret hiding place.
The night was dark around me. There was no moon. Nothing but the stars, but I could find my way here by heart. I’d certainly done it enough.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there shivering, more from the past than from the coolness of the night, when Jackson found me. I was curled up tight into a little ball against the memories, trying not to think about the woman that was my mother and finding it hard not to.
“Hey, I thought I would find you here,” he said quietly, accepting my eccentricity. He sat down next to me and brought me close in his arms.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to wake you tonight.”
He understood before I’d said a word. Jackson had known I would be out here tonight. It was as clear to him as everything I did. He knew me that well.
“I’ve been expecting it, little bit. Why don’t you come inside and let’s put some coffee on. It’s a whole lot warmer in the kitchen?”
I sat debating with myself for a second longer. I’d been running out here for most of my life and mostly alone. I was so tired of running to this hiding place. I wanted to stop, but I’d need help accomplishing it. Jackson offered me all of that. Help without judgment. A shoulder to lean on without giving up my stubborn independence.
Just like that, I gave up my hiding place along with all its secrets. At least, for that night.
We didn’t talk about what was on my mind. Instead, we talked about the wedding and how happy my grandmother and Lee had been. I knew Jackson wanted to ask me when I was going to be ready to face my childhood, but he didn’t. He let all of those things alone tonight. He knew when the time was right I’d talk to him about them.
****
“Why don’t we go for a drive?” Jackson asked the following afternoon after we’d spent the morning sleeping late and being terribly lazy.
I willingly agreed. I figured Mr. Fabulous was probably getting a little bit of cabin fever.
We drove around the town for a while, but as usual, in a town that small it doesn’t take long to reach your limits. When Jackson left the city, I didn’t care where he wanted to go; I was just happy to be there with him.
When we reached the edge of the town that was only too familiar to me and after Jackson turned onto the street where I knew my mother lived, I realized I’d been had. He’d planned this all along.
“How could you do this to me?” I turned to him just as he stopped the car a few houses away from my mother's. “I trusted you.”
“Because it’s time. You know it and so do I. It’s time to face this.”
“You’ve talked to her?” I knew it was true before he ever chose to answer that question. He’d spoken to my mother. Suddenly, I remembered the times that he’d taken calls at our house and seemed almost anxious. And the time more recently where he’d made some excuse to leave me alone for a second. Now I knew the truth. He’d planned this whole thing.
“Yes. Several times in fact. I spoke to your mother at your grandmother’s request. She wanted me to get to know her. The person she is today, not the woman you remember. I spoke to her on the phone and she’s told me how much she wants to talk to you. How desperate she is to ask your forgiveness. It’s time, Maggie.”
“I’m not going in there. I can’t face her after all that she’s done. I certainly can’t forgive her.”
“Yes, you can. Because I’ll be right there beside you through it all. You need to do this for yourself.”
I looked into those beautiful sincere eyes of his and knew he was right however hard it was for me to accept. I needed to find some closure to my past. At least understand why it had taken place in the first place.
I couldn’t speak, but Jackson understood. He touched my hair and kissed me before he drove me to my mother’s house.
Jackson got out, opened my door, and took my hand and he never let go of it. He held it on the short walk to her door that took all of my strength to make. He held it throughout my time there with my mother.
I couldn’t move. I stood rooted in place on her tiny little porch while Jackson rang the bell. It’s funny the things you notice when your terrified. I noticed the hanging plants that looked real—so green and full of life, so unlike my impression of my mother. I noticed that her little yellow house was showing signs of aging. The paint was chipping away in spots and several of the window seals were decaying. All of this seemed to take hours, but the second she opened the door, I forgot all of those things.
My mother stood before me, a faded, aged image of her former self. Blond hair so much like mine now held touches of gray in it. Her brown eyes were faded. She had dull gray skin, full of lines, further evidence of the life she’d led. She doesn’t look well, I thought.
“Mrs. Alexander?” Jackson asked, even though we both knew.
“Yes. You must be Jackson? I recognized your voice from the phone. Thank you so much for coming and for giving me this chance.” Although she spoke directly to Jackson, I knew she was addressing that to me. I realized she’d been capturing little glimpses of me, because she couldn’t look me in the eye, either.
“Please come in. The both of you…please. I’m so glad you’re here.”
We stepped inside her tiny cramped living room with worn and faded furniture, much like my mother.
I let me eyes drift around the room, rather than to the woman in front of me. Nothing about the place reminded me of her. This wasn’t the same woman I’d known.
“Please, sit down, Jackson…Mary Margaret.” I couldn’t stop my reaction to her use of my name. I’d almost forgotten how much I hated that name. It sounded different coming from Jackson somehow.
“It’s Maggie, now.” I wasn’t able to keep the hard edge from my voice.
I didn’t miss Jackson’s disapproving glance, but I chose to ignore it. Too bad. I didn’t really care if either of them liked my anger or not. In my opin
ion, it was justified.
“I’m sorry…Maggie.”
I wanted to run then, as far away as possible, back to my hiding place at the only familiar thing about her. The sound of her voice. But instead, I let Jackson lead me to the sofa that had seen better days and all but force me down to it.
I knew he wasn’t happy with my behavior so far, but I just couldn’t stop it. Just being here with her brought back all the pain and the terror, no little child should ever have to endure.
“Would you like something to drink? I called my husband when I saw you drive up. He should be here soon. Fred’s wanted to meet you both for a while.”
We sat with that awkward silence around us of people who didn’t know what to say to each other. I felt sorry for Jackson most of all. The poor man was trying so hard to do the right thing by me and I was making it as hard as I could for him. Because of Jackson, I tried.
“Look, Jackson told me you wanted to see me, so I’m here. I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for him, so why don’t we just get it over with.”
Okay, not the best opening line, but it at least broke the ice.
“Mary…Maggie, I know how much you hate me and I can’t blame you for that. Trust me, you couldn’t possibly hate me any more than I did myself at one time, but I’ve tried so hard to overcome that.”
“If you want forgiveness, you’ve come to the wrong place. I’m sorry, but all I remember about my childhood is being frightened and hungry and alone. You weren’t there to help me understand any of that. I remember being alone for days on end without anything to eat. I remember living on the streets. I don’t remember anything—anything good about that time! So, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just can’t do this.”
I pulled out of Jackson’s grasp and walked out the door. I was almost to the car when he caught me.
“I can’t make you go back in there, but I’m telling you right now if you don’t you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. You’ll always be that little frightened girl. If you don’t face this now, you’ll never overcome it.”
I was crying at the hard edge in his voice. “You’re supposed to be on my side.” I all but yelled that at him, feeling betrayed by Jackson.
“I am on your side, Maggie,” he told me quietly, not giving in to my tears. “That’s why I’m not letting you walk away from this.”
I looked up at him standing there in front of me and even through my tears I could see his determination. “Will you go back in there with me?”
“No, I think you need to sort this through without me. Just you and your mother.”
I felt nothing but alone at that moment, but I turned and walked slowly back to her door and inside to the mother I’d written off as useless years ago.
Chapter Fifteen
Rachel stood as I entered the room and for a second, I saw the same stubborn pride in her that was my own downfall.
“I like him. He doesn’t let you bully him. That’s good.”
“I like him, too. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be back in here. Jackson wants me to try and I want to make him happy. What other choice do I have?”
“You’re right, you don’t. The good ones are worth it. Fred’s a good one, too. He saw something worth saving in me and I loved him. I wanted to try. Maybe we aren’t so far from being alike after all?”
I didn’t like that one little bit. I was nothing like my mother—was I? I’d never abused my body or neglected my family for my own baser instincts. I wasn’t my mother’s daughter.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Maggie. You’re good, not like me. I was only comparing you to me in that we both recognize good men when we see them.”
At that, I looked into her eyes and smiled just a little. She was right about that.
“Tell me about Fred. Where did you meet him? Was he one of your men?” I couldn’t stop that nasty comment from coming out. I didn’t believe Fred was one of her clients, but I wasn’t ready to give up on my anger and resentment of her completely just yet.
My mother understood all of this and smiled. “Not exactly. Fred’s a minister. He has a church here in town—a small one. I met him at an outreach meeting in the city. He was trying to help the homeless. I was just there for a warm place to sleep and a free meal. I was lucky; I got so much more than that. I realized what my mother had been trying to tell me all along. You see, Fred told me all those old stories that I knew by heart and had rejected as old fashioned by my mother. But somehow, hearing them from Fred, well they gave me hope. I realized just how much of a disappointment I’d been to her and how much I’d hurt you—my beautiful baby girl. You were the only thing that was real to me. The only thing that kept me going for so long. Losing you, well I’d just about given up on life. I wanted to die; I was trying my best to achieve that when Fred found me. Just in time, he saved me from myself and just like that, I wanted to change.
“So, you just magically became a different person? Turned your life around and decided to come take me away from the only stable life I’d known? The one person who actually represented family to me?”
“Oh, Maggie, my sweet little girl, no, that wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted you to love me again as you did when you were a baby. I’d changed—I was different, although it was hard to see and it wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing in the world I’ve ever had to do, beating the drugs. It’s still there. The cravings. The need for a high. There are times when I can almost taste it, but I turn to Fred and to God and I make it through.
“But I was different and because I’d changed, I wanted to tell you how deeply it hurt me to know how much I’d hurt you. I know you were frightened and I wasn’t a mother to you, but I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you alone or have you go without food. Or have you see me with those men—or the drugs. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I realize now how deep your hurt is, but I want you to know one thing. You were the only thing in the world that mattered to me. You were my life. As long as I had you and the hope of you, I knew I could make it. I’ve always loved you, my sweet beautiful little girl and I always will. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I only want you to know I love you.”
At those heartbreaking words from a woman that I’d hated all those years, I felt all my anger and resentment shatter deep inside of me like a fever lifting from my soul. I was biting my bottom lip, my hands clenched into tight fists to keep from crying in front of her.
I didn’t need her in my life. I’d survived for twenty-six years without her, so what did I care what she wanted or how she felt?
As I looked at her, I knew I did. Like it or not, she’d been just as important to me as I was to her. Even though I’d tried to convince myself, I hated her. Deep inside my heart, I knew I’d never been able to hate my mother. This was the woman that had given me life, the person that was just as ill equipped for life as I had been. She’d tried, she just didn’t know how to do it on her own and she’d been too stubborn to admit that until it was too late.
As a little girl, I remember looking through all those pictures of my mother and thinking she had to be Cinderella. She was so beautiful growing up, so full of life that she’d always reminded me of a fairy princess. Her life hadn’t been a fairy tale.
“When I was a little girl, I used to think you were the most beautiful woman in the world. You were like one of those fairy tales Gran read to me. I used to pretend that you’d come back one day and everything would be okay. It never was, though.”
I saw just how devastated she was by those words. “I wish that it had been. You have no idea how much I wish I could erase those terrible memories for you. I’d give up my life right now if I could. I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly sorry, my pretty little girl.”
When she used the pet name, I’d almost forgotten about, nothing could stop my tears. They’d been too many years in the making. No amount of clenched fists or bitten lip would ever control them.
But once they began, it was like a weight being
taken away from me. I felt almost lighthearted.
My mother took a hesitant step closer uncertain how to treat me. I watched her hesitation and made the decision for the both of us. I closed the space between us in an instant and she was in my arms. I was the one holding her.
This was my mother. Not the woman I’d left in the past. By forcing me to come here today, Jackson had given me back my mother.
It wasn’t until much later that I realized he’d followed me. Even though, he’d told me he wouldn’t. Jackson later told me he stood just outside the door and listened to make sure I was okay. A short time later, he was joined by my mother’s husband. Apparently, they’d had a nice getting acquainted chat of their own.
Jackson popped his head in to tell me that he was taking Fred out to get something to eat. I knew it was just an excuse. He wanted to give my mother and I time. God, I loved that guy.
I sat talking with her for hours that day and she told me everything about her life.
“You never had any more children, Mom?” I asked her over our third cup of coffee.
“No, I wasn’t able to have any more babies. During the bad times when I was using more drugs than my body could handle, with the men who kept me in the drugs, I had a miscarriage. It was so awful. That was when the doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to have any more children. Losing you was hard enough, but losing my baby and being told I’d never have another, well you have no idea how hard that was to survive. I wouldn’t have had it not been for Fred. He’s been wonderful to me. He accepted the fact that I couldn’t have children as a blessing, not an obstacle in our lives. We’ve used the time we have to help other girls in the same situation that I was in back then. It’s been so rewarding. A blessing. Even though I love him with all my heart and I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve had with him for anything, I’ve wanted to see you so badly. I needed to ask your forgiveness. And even if you can never forgive me, I wanted to know that my baby girl was happy. You are, aren’t you, Maggie? You and Jackson. You both seem good for each other.”
