Skulldoggery

by Fletcher Flora

  “I’m in the mood now, damn it Are you?”

  “I won’t say I’m not, but I can hardly afford distractions that come to nothing in the end but entertainment. You must realize, Lester, that you have been a great disappointment to me. I have to apply myself to projects with a reasonable chance of coming to something substantial.”

  “Is that what you’ve been doing all week?”

  “Since you ask, I don’t mind saying that I have.”

  “Listen, Pearl. I said I have something important to tell you, and I have. It’s the strict truth.”

  “What you think is important might not be what I think is important at all. Can’t you be a little more definite?”

  “It’s about Senorita Fogarty.”

  “And the will?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does it improve your prospects for getting all that money away from her?”

  “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

  “I don’t know, Lester. The last time I saw you, you were planning to get her run over in the traffic, and so far as I know nothing has been done about it yet.”

  “That plan has been abandoned. It ran into complications.”

  “What makes you think this one will be any simpler?”

  “Wait and see if it isn’t. Damn it. Pearl, the least you can do is let me tell you about it.”

  “Well, all right, Lester. You may come over, although it’s against my better judgment! I’ll meet you at the curb out front.”

  “You needn’t do that. I haven’t forgotten the way up.”

  “Sweetie, you aren’t coming up. I haven’t seen you for a week, as you know, and I don’t intend to expose myself to excessive temptation. It wouldn’t be safe or sensible.”

  Chances for a drink at Pearl’s looking dim, he had a quick one before leaving, and it was fortunate that he did, for sure enough, when he arrived there, she was waiting for him by the curb in front. She crawled in beside him with a casual display of knees, and they peeled off in the MG with a rush that was less an expression of Lester’s eagerness to leave in a hurry than of his reluctance to leave at all.

  “I hope, sweetie, for your sake,” she said, “that this doesn’t turn out to be another one of your deceptions. You had better tell me at once whatever it is about Senorita Fogarty.”

  “Give me a little time, Pearl. I’ve just got here.”

  “It seems to me that you have already had ample time. I don’t see why it should take a week or longer to murder a Chihuahua.”

  “That’s because you were not assigned the job of doing it. I tell you there are complications that make it very difficult, if not impossible. It’s easy enough for you to be superior and critical, but for me it’s another matter entirely.”

  “What happened to the original plan, that’s what I’d like to know.”

  “Well, you can hardly get Senorita Fogarty run over in traffic when you can’t even get close to her. Anyone should be able to understand that.”

  “That may be true, but I still can’t understand why you can’t get close to her. What’s to prevent you?”

  “Not what. Who. Mrs. Crump, that’s who.”

  “Have you even tried to get around Mrs. Crump? I’ll bet you haven’t.”

  “I’ll bet I have. Pearl, I wish you’d try to have a little more confidence in me.”

  “You haven’t done anything yet to inspire confidence, sweetie. You’ll have to admit that yourself. What happened with Mrs. Crump?”

  “Never mind what happened. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s sufficient to say that she has necessitated a change of plan.”

  “Now we have come back to it, and it had better be good. What change?”

  “It is now the plan to put arsenic in Senorita Fogarty’s oatmeal.”

  “Oatmeal! Does the damn dog eat oatmeal?”

  “She’s been off her feed. Mrs. Crump thinks oatmeal will be good for her.”

  “I doubt it. I can’t imagine oatmeal’s being good for anyone, even Senorita Fogarty.”

  “That’s a matter of opinion. Anyhow, Mrs. Crump has decided that Senorita Fogarty needs oatmeal and sex.”

  “Well, I can see sex. Sex might be helpful.”

  “Have you lost your mind? Damn it, Pearl, the moment that dog gets introduced to sex we’re finished. We can kiss Grandfather’s money goodbye.”

  “You can also kiss me goodbye. On second thought, we’ll skip the kiss.”

  “I know. You don’t have to say it. However, I’m sure we will be able to load Senorita Fogarty’s oatmeal with arsenic in time. Luck has been so bad lately, it’s bound to start getting a little better.”

  He’d had a vague notion of driving somewhere in the country, but some kind of morbid attraction seemed to be working against it, and he was suddenly aware that he was on the street that ran in front of Grandfather’s house. As he approached, the front door opened, and Crump appeared, walking down between the cast-iron deer from the house to the street. Senorita Fogarty’s guardian was dressed to the teeth in his Sunday best, a rusty black suit and stiff shoes. He turned, after coming out the gate, and headed for the corner at the other end of the block from the one where Lester, reflexively, had stopped to watch.

  “What’s the matter? said Pearl. “Lester, why have you stopped the car?”

  “There’s Crump,” Lester said.

  “That little man with the bowed legs? What of it?”

  “I wonder where the little devil is going?”

  “What difference does it make? Lester, you have been brooding and brooding over this matter until you have become a mental case or something. It is much more to the point, in my opinion, where we are going, and back to my apartment is where it had better be, if you don’t mind.”

  “I believe I’ll follow him and find out.”

  “Not with me, sweetie. Following a bow-legged man is not quite my idea of how to spend an afternoon, even an afternoon as dull as this one.”

  “Oh, come on, Pearl. Do try to cooperate a little. It wouldn’t hurt you to come with me. After all, you have as much to gain or lose as I do.”

  “Well, there’s something to that, I guess. I’ve admitted that I would like to keep you at hand, provided that you can arrange to get your share of your grandfather’s money. I’ll come along. Probably he’s only going to the market or somewhere.”

  But it soon became apparent that Crump, wherever he was going, wasn’t going to the market. At the corner he waited for several minutes until a bus came along, which he boarded. With Lester and Pearl trailing in the MG, he rode the bus across town for about two miles, then descending and waiting for a trolley bus, which he also boarded, clutching his transfer. The trolley bus took him about three miles farther on his way, by which time it had become apparent that Crump’s errand was a long one, and then, after waiting again on a corner, he was picked up by another bus that took him well beyond the city limits and deposited him at a terminal.

  “Wherever can he be going?” Pearl said.

  “I don’t know,” said Lester, “but I’ll lay ten to one that he’s up to something tricky.”

  “I must say,” Pearl said, “that I am becoming more and more interested all the time. I’m glad I came along.”

  And there was still farther to go. The rest of the way had to be made by Crump on foot, and he started off briskly down the asphalt road. It was now essential to secrecy to trail him at a greater distance, and Crump, ascending and descending the elevations of the road, was sometimes briefly out of sight. About a mile had been covered when Lester and Pearl, reaching the crest of an elevation behind him, were startled to find that he had disappeared completely.

  “My God,” said Lester, “where has Crump gone?”

  “Drive a little faster,” Pearl said. “Surely he didn’t simply vanish.”

  Half a minute later, the mysterious disappearance was solved. Crump had merely turned off onto a long, curving drive that went up a slope to a remote house.
Pearl saw him and pointed him out.

  “There he is,” she said.

  “I see him,” Lester said. “I’ll drive down the road and turn around. While we’re waiting for him to come out, we must decide what must be done.”

  Having turned, he came back part way and stopped beside an Osage Orange hedge. It was apparent that he was in a condition of extreme agitation.

  “What did you mean about what must be done?” Pearl said. “Lester, please stop shaking. What in the world has come over you?”

  “Didn’t you read the sign beside the drive that old Crump turned into?”

  “No, I didn’t. I was busy watching Crump.”

  Lester’s voice was weak and tremulous from shock.

  “My God, Pearl, that place is a kennel!“

  10

  HALF AN HOUR later, Crump reappeared. He came out of the drive and turned onto the road and started trudging back in the direction from which he had come. He was now walking a little lop-sided, due to the fact that he was carrying in his right hand something that looked from a distance like an odd-shaped traveling bag of some kind. Lester, peering intently, made a sound that was a cross between a whimper and a groan.

  “What’s the matter with you?” Pearl said. “Are you sick or something?”

  “Yes, I am,” Lester said. “I’m about as sick as a man can get.”

  “You’d better get out of the car while there’s still time.” Pearl, who had become temporarily accessible for the purpose of limited entertainment that had helped to pass the time while they waited for Crump, scooted over in her bucket as far as she could with a look of alarm. “Lester, get out at once.”

  “I’m not sick that way. Damn it, Pearl, don’t you see what that is old Crump is carrying?”

  “It looks to me like some sort of case.”

  “It’s not a case. It’s a cage. The old devil has bought another Chihuahua.”

  “Really? Do you think so?”

  “I don’t think. I know. He’s delivering sex to Senorita Fogarty.”

  “Well, have you ever in your life heard of such a dirty trick before!”

  “Crump is a monster, that’s what he is.”

  “There is no good now, however, in calling names. The question, as I see it, is what are you going to do about it?”

  “Whatever is done must be done quickly, but I can’t think of anything to do.”

  “That’s your trouble, Lester. You must be directed in every little thing. If it’s not Hester, it’s I. It’s surely apparent in this instance that direct action is called for.”

  “You’re right. This is no time to hesitate. Pearl, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to run old Crump and his cursed stud down from the rear. From this distance, I can easily get up to seventy miles an hour before reaching them.”

  “The hell you are!” Pearl grasped the handle of the door with one hand, as if prepared to get out immediately. “Lester, you’re absolutely without any judgment whatever. Besides risking a serious crash, you would certainly be caught by the police. Moreover, if I know you, you would get me involved and into more trouble than I have any taste for.”

  “You suggest something, then. How do you expect me to accomplish anything if you keep vetoing everything I think of?”

  “Why don’t you simply take the stud away from him? He’s such a scrawny little man, even you should have no difficulty in that.”

  “What good would it do? He’d just get another one.”

  “Not if you were sufficiently fierce. I’m sure you could frighten him out of the notion if you made the effort.”

  “Maybe I could frighten Crump, but Mrs. Crump is something else. Our recent encounter convinced me of that. Anyhow, someone might come along and see me.”

  “Lester, it’s apparent that you are only making excuses to avoid doing anything at all. What you must do is offer Crump a ride. Then you can take him off on a side road where there will be practically no chance of interruption.”

  “I hope you’re right. If you’re not, things may become a little difficult.”

  “They’re going to become impossible if you delay much longer. Crump is getting farther and farther away all the time, and there will be no chance for direct action if you let him reach the bus stop.”

  “All right. You needn’t keep harassing me, Pearl. Let’s go.”

  He reached for the ignition key, and Pearl at the same time unlatched the door and stepped out into the road.

  “I wish you’d break the habit of speaking in the plural all the time, Lester. If you think I’m going with you, you can think again.”

  “Oh, come on, Pearl. Get in again.”

  “Not I. I’m willing to make suggestions and help in other ways, but I’m not prepared to become an accessory in stealing Crump’s stud.”

  “I must say that that’s a very poor attitude. It’s all right, I suppose, for me to take all the chances by myself.”

  “You may as well stop trying to influence me, Lester. It won’t work. I’ll wait right here for you, and don’t forget to pick me up as soon as possible, or you’ll be sorry.”

  Pearl went over and sat down on the grass under a tree, and Lester, definitely deserted and on his own, started the MG and drove off after Crump, who had disappeared over a rise in the road. When he was in view again, he was trudging along briskly, listing now to the left, having switched the cage from one hand to the other. He moved over toward the shoulder when he heard Lester approaching from the rear, but he did not pause nor look around. Lester, coming slowly abreast, stopped and hailed him with a creditable note of surprise.

  “Well, Crump, what brings you way out here?”

  Crump leaped and spun in the air, and Lester had the impression that he was about to take to the fields. He held his ground, however, getting between Lester and the cage in a defensive position. It was clear that even the prospect of a ride was not sufficient to make Lester welcome or wanted. Crump’s attitude, in fact, was one of overt suspicion.

  “I might say the same to you,” he said.

  “What’s that you’re holding behind you?”

  “Never mind what it is.”

  “It looks like a cage.”

  “Whatever it is, it’s none of your business.”

  “Come, Crump. Let’s be friends. Hop in. I’ll give you a lift home.”

  “Nothing doing. I rode the bus out, and I’ll ride it back.”

  “I’ll take you up to the end of the line, then, I’m going right past.”

  “No, thanks. I’ll walk.”

  “Damn it, Crump, don’t be such a contrary old devil. Get in at once if you know what’s good for you.”

  “I know what’s good for me, and I know what’s bad for me, and I know better than to have any truck with the likes of you.”

  So saying, he started down the road again, and Lester was tempted to run him down from behind, advice to the contrary notwithstanding, but another car came along just then from the opposite direction, and he decided that the odds against doing it successfully were excessive, if not formidable. There was nothing to do but go back for Pearl, and he went.

  Pearl was sitting with her back braced against the trunk of the tree and her legs stretched straight in front of her. They were nice legs and made an attractive pair. She had removed her shoes for comfort’s sake, and was wiggling her nylon toes in a diminutive ecstasy of freedom. Lester drove past her on the road, made a sharp U-turn, and came back alongside, where he stopped.

  “Are you back already?” she said.

  “As you see,” he said, “I am.”

  “It doesn’t seem to me that you’ve had time to accomplish anything. Where’s the stud?”

  “With Crump, that’s where.”

  “Where’s Crump?” Pearl scrambled to her feet, slipped her feet into her shoes, and walked across to the MG. “Lester, you didn’t ignore my advice and run him down after all, did you?”

  “No, I didn’t, but I was tempted.” />
  “What happened?”

  “Nothing happened. I offered him a lift, and he declined. It’s incredible how wily the old devil is.”

  “Did you get a close look at the cage?”

  “Close enough. He had a Chihuahua in it, all right.”

  “And you let him get away! Lester, I give up. I absolutely do. In my opinion, you are hopeless. You permit yourself to be temporarily disinherited by a dog, and now you are simply going to stand back and let it be made permanent by endless litters.”

  “Damn it, Pearl, I can’t help it if old Crump is riddled with suspicion. Anyhow, Senorita Fogarty may have sex tonight, but it will be some time before she has pups. In the meanwhile, something must be done.”

  “Frankly, I have no confidence in your ability to do it.”

  ‘Well, you might at least be fair about it. You know as well as I that this is a very complex situation. It needs another head, that’s what, and Hester’s is the head it needs. What we must do, Pearl, is find her right now and inform her of developments.”

  “There you go again, Lester, speaking in the plural. You’d think you had a frog in your pocket or something.”

  “Don’t you want to come with me?”

  “No, I don’t, frankly. I only want to go home, if you will be so good as to take me.” Pearl crawled into her bucket and pulled her skirt down over her knees as a clear indication of her position. “Please drive me there, Lester, with both hands on the wheel.”

  “Well, all right, if you insist. But I don’t see why you have to be so unreasonable.”

  “Unreasonable? I? It’s hardly unreasonable to try to salvage at least part of a day that has been largely wasted.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. How about the time when we were waiting for old Crump to come out of the kennel?”

  “You know very well that I’m especially susceptible when bored,” Pearl said. “It wasn’t fair of you to take advantage of me.”

  11

  HESTER, the other head, had in the meanwhile been busy. Her business had begun, in fact, the previous afternoon immediately after leaving Flo and Uncle Homer and Lester, and it had been in the beginning a kind of preliminary session of furious thinking. It was apparent that someone had to assume the initiative in the matter of nudging Senorita Fogarty into dog heaven, and it was equally apparent that Lester was not the one to do it. Indeed, Lester had proved himself incredibly incompetent at every turn, and it was impossible to believe that he would suddenly improve.