“I’m fine, Mom,” I said, trying to reassure her, but she looked at me doubtfully. “Now, finish telling me about this Durdle Door place,” I said, pointing to a beautiful stone arch sticking out into the sea.
“Durdle Door can wait. Now, really, honey, what’s going on? I tried asking Sawyer about you, but he’s just as clammed up as you are. I told myself to let it go, but you’re not yourself.”
I could see the frustration in her eyes. She hated when something wasn’t right with one of her children. She hated it even more when she didn’t know why.
“Mom, can we just look at your pictures?” I sighed, but she closed the computer and set it down.
“This is about Adam, isn’t it?” she asked and I felt my jaw drop.
“What…no…why…” I stammered. I hadn’t told my mom anything about Adam. She’d been gallivanting all over the British Isles and she wasn’t on social media. I figured my parents were the only people from Silver Falls who probably didn’t know about Adam and me.
“What happened?” she interrupted.
“How do you even know about Adam and me?” I asked softly and she gave me a look with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.
“Because I don’t live under a rock,” she said with a laugh. “I may have heard a rumor that you two were dating.”
“Why didn’t you say anything to me about it?”
“Because I was waiting for you to talk to me about it,” she said and I could feel my cheeks redden. “Why are you embarrassed about this, Caroline? Do you think I’m surprised? I saw the connection between you two the moment he came back to town. I knew something could happen and unless my instincts are completely off base, I’m guessing something pretty serious did.”
I just looked at her for a few seconds before sighing.
“Yeah. Something pretty serious happened. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me.”
She stroked my hair as I spoke and I waited for her to say something when I stopped speaking.
“And how are things now that he’s back in Boston?” she asked.
“They’re fine,” I said, but I immediately knew she’d sensed my hesitation.
“But?” she asked, waiting for me to explain.
“It hasn’t been easy,” I admitted. “When Sawyer found out…he was so angry, Mom. I’m surprised he didn’t kill Adam. He’s got it in his head that Adam’s this horrible guy who is just going to toss me aside when he’s done with me.”
“Do you think your brother is right?” she asked without any condescension in her voice.
“No,” I said quickly.
“Then don’t listen to Sawyer. His issues with Adam are deeper than you. They always have been,” she said and her hand stopped tickling my hair for a second. “He never thought he was as good as Adam. He struggled with that ever since he was a little boy. Adam excelled at everything and your brother thought himself to be ordinary, nothing special.”
“How could he think that? Sawyer’s incredible.”
“We all know that, but the way we see ourselves compared to the way others see us is very different,” she said quietly and I knew she wasn’t only talking about my brother. She was talking to me too. “It wasn’t easy for Sawyer to be Adam’s best friend, especially once the Red Sox picked him up. Adam didn’t always make it easy and I’m sure seeing you and Adam together was just the catalyst to everything else.”
“I don’t want to be the reason they’re not friends anymore. It’s always been Sawyer and Adam. I can’t come between that.”
“You won’t. They’ll work it out. They always do. No matter what happens between you and Adam,” she said and I hoped she was right. “You need to let that go, Care.”
I was quiet for a few moments as I thought about her words, wishing I had her confidence. It was so much more than just Sawyer and Adam.
“But it’s not just Sawyer and Adam, Mom,” I said quietly, not really knowing what I should say to her.
“I didn’t think so,” she said, which didn’t surprise me.
“I went to Boston with him last weekend. I saw his place and we went to a game. He took me out to a club, but now everyone knows about us and…it’s hard, Mom,” I said, trying to fight the lump in my throat. “The comments and speculation. I try not to think about it and Adam tells me not to let it get to me, but it is. It makes me think about how different we are…how different our lives are now. I guess we didn’t seem that different when he was here, but now that he’s not and now that he’s back in Boston, I can see how different we are and it scares me.”
My voice was quiet as it faded. I took a deep breath then, the emotions coming out of nowhere. I thought I was handling it okay. I thought I was being strong. I was trying to go about my life like none of it was bothering me, but talking like this to my mom and hearing my fears out loud that I’d tried to keep suppressed scared the hell out of me. I felt the tears start to fall. My mother held me as if I was a little girl being picked on at that playground. I felt ridiculous falling apart like this, but it felt good to have her hold me.
“Do you really love him, Caroline?” she asked me a few moments later, encouraging me to sit up and looking me in the eyes.
“I do, Mom,” I answered without hesitation.
“But you’re worried that’s not enough,” she stated and I nodded. She knew exactly what I was thinking.
“I’m terrified. I don’t want to lose him, Mom, but I don’t want to lose myself either. My life is in Silver Falls. It’s always been here. His used to be, but it’s not anymore and it never will be again.” I paused for a moment, taking in a deep breath before speaking again. “Have you seen the comments about me, Mom?” I asked softly.
“No, honey,” she said, her voice growing softer. I wasn’t surprised. Neither she or my dad was on social media. In a way, I was glad she hadn’t seen them. I knew it’d crush her to see the cruel things being said about me.
“They’re not all bad, but they’re the only ones I remember. The people saying things about me. About my looks. About everything and just because I’m with Adam.” I wiped at my eyes and then my mom took my hand.
“I want you to know how proud I am of you, Caroline,” she began. “These people. The ones saying these things. They’re just jealous. And you’re strong and you can handle anything if being with Adam is what you want.”
“I can’t handle anything, Mom,” I said quietly, my self-doubt on overload.
“You can, because I’ve seen it. We’ve kept you sheltered here in Silver Falls your entire life, but the world is big, honey. There’s so much more than our little town and you can be a part of it. You’re a small-town girl. I get that. I do. I spent my entire life here too, but this trip we went on, it made me realize how much more there is and I want you to see to see it. I don’t want you to be afraid or to think you can only make it in a place like Silver Falls. You can do anything, Caroline, you’ve just got to believe in yourself.”
“You’ve always had such faith in me, Mom,” I said as I wiped my eyes.
“I won’t apologize for that,” she said. “And I won’t ever stop having faith in you.”
She was smiling at me and for that moment, I believed everything she was saying to me. I believed I could be strong. I believed I wouldn’t think about how different my life was from Adam’s. I believed I could ignore the cruel words spoken about me by total strangers, but then I felt the pit in my stomach again, the one that was becoming all too familiar, and I felt the faith in myself disappearing as I thought about just how hard this was turning out to be.
Thirty-Six
The conversation with my mother was always in the back of my mind as I went about my shift at the restaurant the next day. Erica was working too. She didn’t ask me about Adam and I was grateful for her silence. I didn’t want to know what was going on in the world of cyberspace. I’d disabled my accounts. I didn’t want the temptation to look, even though I knew in my heart it didn’t matter what was being said o
r what kind of scrutiny I was under. If I was with Adam, I’d have to get used to it eventually. We hadn’t been seen together since the night at the club. That alone gave me hope that people had become bored with me, but for now, I was happy to live in my ignorant bliss.
I couldn’t avoid it completely though. Everyone at the restaurant knew who I was and they, of course, knew who Adam was. A few of the regulars asked about us and one of the older ladies mentioned how happy she was to see Adam with a nice girl instead of the bimbos she was used to seeing him with. I had to laugh at that one and it made me even more grateful for the comfort of my little town.
Still, when my shift ended and I headed home in the quiet of my car, my thoughts were allowed to roam and I missed Adam. I was looking forward to getting home though and having the house to myself for a little while. My parents were having dinner with my aunt and uncle and I knew Sawyer would be with Lindsey. That’s the way it always seemed to be anymore. At least my brother was happy.
I pulled up to the house and when I walked inside, it was quiet. It reminded me so much of the summer while my parents were gone, of when Adam was still here. I’d missed the quiet since they’d been back and I was looking forward to a Saturday night with no one around. I decided I’d watch a movie and try not to think too much about missing Adam.
I turned the TV on once I’d changed into a pair of sweats and a tank top. I pulled my hair up into a messy bun and then popped some popcorn in the kitchen before settling onto the couch and browsing through the choices on Netflix. I’d nearly settled on one when a knock on the door interrupted me.
I looked at it curiously. Living so far from town, we didn’t usually get visitors, but I got up and looked out the window to see who it was. When I looked out the window, I swear I heard a low gasp escape my throat as I felt my hand cover my mouth at the sight of the familiar red truck sitting outside.
Slowly, my hand turned the knob and pulled open the door to reveal Caleb standing on the porch, his hands tucked into his pockets, looking timid as he stood before me.
“Hey,” he said softly when our eyes met. I didn’t answer right away. I was too stunned.
“What…what’re you doing here?” I finally said.
“I came by hoping we could talk.”
I stared at him for a few moments. I didn’t know what we had to talk about. I found myself nodding though, pulling the door open slowly to let him inside. He seemed to hesitate for a second, but then he took the first step and a moment later, I was shutting the door, the click of the knob echoing in the emptiness of the house.
“Where is everyone?” he asked, looking around.
“My parents are at my aunt and uncle’s and Sawyer’s probably at Lindsey’s.”
“He’s got a new girlfriend then?”
“I wouldn’t say she’s new. She’s been around all summer,” I said, referencing the fact he had not been.
“I’m actually kinda glad no one’s here,” he said and I couldn’t help the curious look on my face.
I couldn’t stand here making small talk as if Caleb being in my living room wasn’t completely weird.
“Why are you here, Caleb?” I finally asked. My tone was blunt, but I didn’t care.
“Shit,” he mumbled, staring down at the floor for a moment before finally looking up at me again. “I don’t even know, Care,” he said, shaking his head. “I know I shouldn’t be here, but ever since the other night at the pizza place I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” His words seemed to resonate and I felt myself taking a step back from where we stood, staring at each other. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I shouldn’t even be here. I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to say.”
He was starting to ramble, like he used to when he was nervous. His eyes locked on mine though and he seemed to calm. I only felt my anxiety going up though. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Caleb was out of my life. He’d done enough damage and yet here he stood, looking at me the way he used to look at me, when he still loved me.
“You can’t be here, Caleb,” I said softly. “You can’t come here, not after what you did and say that.”
“I know,” he said, coming towards me and closing the space I’d just created. “I know I shouldn’t be here. You should’ve slammed the door in my face, but I had to try. Seeing you the other night really messed me up. I just…I just want to talk to you, Care,” he said softly and then looked at me with pleading eyes. “Please just talk to me.”
I knew I shouldn’t. I knew I should open the door and demand he get the hell out of my house. He’d treated me like dirt. I thought I’d loved him. He’d broken my heart, but still, I found myself wondering what, after all this time and after what he’d done, he could say to me.
“Okay,” I said, practically whispering and walking to the kitchen. I could hear him following behind me. “Can I get you something to drink?” I asked when we were in the kitchen. He nodded as he sat down at the table and I reached in, pulling out two bottles of water. I handed him one and sat down beside him. He opened his bottle and took an extra-long swig. I did the same. I doubted either of us was as thirsty as we appeared, but he was nervous, just as I was. At least he knew why he’d shown up at my house out of the blue after crushing me only a few months before. I, on the other hand, had no clue. I didn’t know his motives. I didn’t know his intentions. I just knew Caleb was here and that I didn’t want him to be here.
“How’ve you been, Caroline? Really?” he finally started.
“Like I told you the other night, Caleb, I’ve been good.”
“Yeah, I know. I just didn’t know if you were telling me that because that’s what people say in casual passing.”
“No. I meant it. I’m happy,” I said, looking up and meeting his eyes, wanting him to know I was telling the truth. “And what about you? Were you telling me the truth the other night?”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds. His eyes glanced to the table and then back to mine.
“No. I lied. I haven’t been good. Seeing you again made me realize that even more.” His answer surprised me in a way and in a way it didn’t. He’d been so confident that night all those months ago when he ended things between us, but I knew he couldn’t be completely okay if he was here now. “I messed up, Caroline,” he said suddenly. “I messed up when I let you go.”
“What are you talking about?” I whispered, his words echoing in my ears.
“I was stupid, Caroline. I didn’t realize what I had with you until I didn’t anymore.”
“What about Jodi?” I asked and I could hear the sarcasm in my voice. He closed his eyes tightly for a second, shaking his head.
“Jodi was a mistake. The whole damn thing was a mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought I needed something else, but I was wrong.”
Silence settled in again. It was awkward and heavy for a few moments until I finally spoke.
“What do you want me to say, Caleb?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I want to say to you. We were so young when we got together. I only knew you and I thought that wasn’t enough. I thought I needed to spread my wings,” he said, forming the phrase in air quotes. “The guys at school were always giving me a hard time telling me I shouldn’t settle on one girl, especially not a girl on the other side of the country. They got in my head and I listened to their shit, but that’s all it was, Care. It was shit and I let you go because of it. I thought I needed more, but you were all I needed all along,” he said, his voice fading off as he swallowed hard, trying to compose himself. “Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life and when I saw you with Adam, I thought there was nothing I could do about it. He’s Adam DeLain for Christ’s sake and he had my girl. He had you and that wasn’t okay, Caroline.” He reached for my hand, but I pulled it back before he could take it.
“Do you have any idea what you did to me, Caleb?” I asked through the lump in my throat. “When you left…when you told
me you needed something different, I believed every word you said to me. I believed I wasn’t enough and that I wasn’t worth loving because if someone like you, someone I spent five years of my life with could do what you did to me, then how could I ever trust anyone to ever love me again and not hurt me? That I should believe someone when they tell me they love me? You took that away from me, Caleb. You shouldn’t have had that power, but you did.”
He sunk back in his chair, staring at the table top until he finally looked up at me.
“I’m sorry, Caroline,” he sighed. “I wish there was something I could say to take it all back, but I can’t.” His voice faded, but then he swallowed and started again. “The only way I can is to show you…to show you how special you are because I didn’t do that before and I regret it, Care. I regret it more than you know.”
“Are you serious?” I said, my mouth gaping open at his suggestion. “You broke my heart, Caleb. You betrayed me. You took everything we’d built and destroyed it and here you sit asking me to forgive you?”
“No. I don’t expect your forgiveness. Not yet. Maybe you can learn to forgive me or at least we can try.”
His eyes were hopeful and then he reached across the table and took my hand. I was too in shock to pull away this time. His touch was familiar and when our skin touched, all the good memories we shared together came flooding back to me for a second, but then they were gone. I felt nothing for him and I pulled my hand away.
“Caleb,” I began, but he interrupted.
“I love you, Caroline. I never stopped,” he said, looking at me pleadingly and I took in a deep breath, gathering the strength to speak to him.
“But I don’t love you and I don’t think I ever really did,” I said and I saw him flinch a little at my words.
“You don’t mean that,” he insisted.
“I thought I loved you, Caleb, and maybe I did…in a way, once, but…but I’ve changed and I’m different and when I look back at what we had, I don’t think it was love, not anymore anyway.”
Catching Caroline (Silver Falls Book 1) Page 31
