Mind Over Matter

by Kaia Bennett

  That was all done now. She'd said he was just a friend, but in the end, Travis was the guy Nicole turned to. Last he heard from Jackie, they were dating pretty steadily, which was okay with him. He'd dated here and there himself, but no one serious had crossed his path in some time. A little over a year’s worth of time to be exact...

  He looked down and reached into his pocket, his thoughts interrupted by his ringing phone. He smiled at the number and stepped off to the side, out of the residual glare of the set lights and away from the background chatter of the crew and the guys.

  "What's up, Jackie?" he said, giving his voice an extra kick of peppiness. It only made sense that one of his oldest friends would call to check up on him now that he was back in town for a bit, but it still seemed strange when his mind had just moments before been on her younger sister. It was like his thoughts could be heard and even this minor coincidence shook him up.

  "Why haven't you come to visit me, yet?"

  He laughed and gave her a shrug she obviously couldn't see before saying, "I was saving orphans from a burning carriage and completely forget to call. My bad."

  She snorted out a laugh of her own. "Seriously, rock star. We miss you over here in the boring, real world." As if to confirm she was in fact in 'the real world' he heard the sounds of Ian and Preston in the background, mixed with the sizzle of a frying pan and the blare of the TV. The sounds of domesticated life and Jackie's home cooking made him a little nostalgic. "When you coming by to tell us how you've been? And you know Preston is walking around and talking. He should get a visit from his godfather."

  Damn, did she lay the guilt trip on thick. Truth be told, he would have loved to come and visit her sooner, and could have, but he knew there was a very real chance he'd run into Nicole if he did that without setting a time and date first. His heart beat faster at the prospect. But then he had to remind himself he was okay with or without seeing her, so it didn't matter. He'd moved on, just like she had. And that last bittersweet talk after that horrible night nearly a year ago had proven it was better this way...

  In the end they'd both agreed hadn't they? That letting go was the best way to handle things?

  His mind conspired to take him back there, to relive their last night together before he packed up and went back to the tour, but he his resolve won out. He didn't want to think about the things they'd said, the things he'd done. He'd learned his lesson about living in the mistakes of the past. And he was a completely different man because of it. A better man.

  Their first reunion after they'd agreed to put the past behind them had been decidedly tense despite the smiles, the laughs, and the reassurances that there were no hard feelings when they'd had a moment alone. He'd memorized the conversation. After all, that's when he'd known for sure that it was the end of them.

  He sighed, drew his mind away from the past and said, "You do know I just got back into town, right? I've barely even unpacked. I was gonna call and check in, but I know you're busy with the wedding planning and everything—"

  "If I didn't know any better," she said slowly, her voice taking on the, sinister quality that signaled the end of his futile resistance, "I'd think you were avoiding coming over to see an old friend. And since Ian was thinking about asking you something important concerning the wedding..."

  He closed his eyes and shook his head with a weary grin.

  "It'd be nice if he could ask you to be his best man in person, Gabe. Oh, and look surprised because I wasn't supposed to say nothin'."

  "Wow, I don't even know what to say," Gabriel muttered, truly touched and a little in awe at how he'd earned this. He wouldn't say he'd been the best friend in the world this past year between traveling and Nicole, and he wondered if he deserved to be Ian's best man. "I'm honored, but what if I can't make it? I have no idea what my schedule will be like in the spring."

  "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. We'll make it work out somehow," she said softly, and he couldn't help but wonder if her words held more meaning than just working around conflicting schedules. "So you'll come by tomorrow, okay?"

  Damn... a persistent, gold-medalist, guilt tripping, whip-cracker. Sometimes he wondered if being friends with her was really his idea. He couldn't help but laugh as he asked, "Do I really have a choice?"

  "Nope," she replied, and the smile on her face was almost visible.

  "Okay, then. Tomorrow sounds absolutely obligatory."

  She laughed, pausing just before he heard the sizzling skillet again.

  "She's doing okay," Jackie said suddenly. Like she was ripping off a Band-Aid. She didn't even have to elaborate on who 'she' was. "She still asks about you, you know? Every once in a while."

  He swallowed then, nibbling lightly on his bottom lip while he cleared his throat.

  "That's cool, Jackie. Tell her I'm doing good and, um, let me know how she is later. I gotta get back to work, but I promise to come by tomorrow. We'll catch up for real."

  "Okay, sounds good."

  "Alright, bye."

  He hung up and paused for a moment before rejoining the guys on set. So she'd asked about him. No big deal. Seemed only natural since he occasionally asked about her. It was just a polite gesture.

  She was with someone else now. He was over it.

  He was a changed man.

  And as far as he was concerned, after all that heartache, after all the mistakes he'd made, it was a change for the better.

  Chapter Two

  "You can't be serious," Travis joked while draping his arm over Nicole’s shoulder. They were walking to the Greek restaurant she'd suggested, and their stream of conversation had turned to the subject of her riding his motorcycle.

  At her very serious expression, he shook his head and said, "Hell no."

  "What? I'm your girlfriend! Where's the trust?"

  Travis' blue eyes twinkled with humor. She loved how the shadows made them so dark they seemed almost brown. They were deep and beautiful and never ceased to surprise, just like the man himself. "Girl, you and I both know you are an accident waiting to happen. Throw in some hydraulics and… shit, I'd probably be charged with negligent homicide if I let you."

  She snorted. Of course, he was right, but she'd been working on that. Being graceful made everything take a hell of a lot longer¸ but she got fewer random cuts and bruises. Trying her hand at riding his bike was risky, but she was willing to take on new risks that extended beyond the bedroom these days. She wanted experiences she could own, experiences that had nothing to do with how much she could give herself to someone else.

  "Where's this coming from, huh?" he asked after a moment. Then, after wrinkling his brow and thinking, he said, "This isn't about him, is it?" His voice was a nuanced mixture of wariness, accusation, and tenderness.

  She looked up at him, lips parted and eyes wide. "Why would it be?" she asked, not even bothering to ask who he meant. She and Travis had engaged in many conversations concerning Gabriel, first as friends, then lovers. From the start he’d made it clear he would wait for her to mend. Sometimes she wondered if he was a bit masochistic wanting a girl that had been so hung up on another guy. In the beginning, before they'd even slept together again, he'd told her how special she was, that she deserved someone who would be there for her, and she’d told him over and over again that she was anything but. She wasn’t worth all the trouble. All he'd said was, "Let me decide whether I think you're special or not," and then proceeded to keep gunning for that elusive place in her life.

  In that time, she'd poured her heart out to him, though she'd never told anyone about the intricacies of the breakup, about Meredith, and that night that brought up such mixed emotions in her. So, it wasn't odd for him to bring Gabriel up, or question her motivation for doing things outside her comfort zone. It'd been a while since Travis had checked in like this. Then again, it'd been a while since Gabriel was back in town.

  "Seriously. You think this has something to do with Gabriel? After all this time?"

&nbs
p; He just shrugged and shook his black hair out of his eyes. "I just kind of noticed that when he starts coming around..."

  "What?"

  Again, he shrugged. He turned his eyes to the crosswalk as they took their place amongst people waiting for the cabs and cars to slow down under the yellow streetlights.

  Again she asked, "What does that mean?"

  "I'm trying to phrase it right," he said, shushing away her impatience. He thought for a moment, and then said, "When he starts coming around, it's almost like you instinctively try to change something about yourself. Like learning how to ride my bike. You were always afraid to ride it before. Same thing with your hair, with your job and all that stuff. It could just be subconscious, but I always notice it."

  She turned away from him as they started to cross the street, her eyes fixed on employees shuffling back and forth in the bakery on the opposite corner.

  "I don't change something every time he comes back into town," she murmured weakly.

  Oh, really?

  Her mind flashed over the past year. She'd gotten heavily into writing again, the need to finish her book replacing the lethargy that had taken over when she was focused on him. And after that, she ran accidentally-on-purpose into Travis while taking a long meandering walk past a favorite pizza place they used to frequent together. He just happened to be there and see her outside, but she'd be a fool to think she hadn't subconsciously sought out her old friend — and sometimes lover — in the first place. The most recent needs for new self-expression had started upon hearing and seeing Fool the World everywhere as their popularity grew. The day Trish brought one of those weekly gossip rags to work, and she'd seen Gabriel inside strolling down a street in L.A. with that Ukrainian waif, Yelena Marchenko, she'd decided to go ahead and cut her hair, an idea she'd been toying with for a couple of weeks. Then there was the move in with Travis, opting to hang out with new friends, being more conscious of not being a hot-accident-prone-mess.

  "Not everything I do is about getting over him. We had this talk a little while ago, and I told you I was sure about us. I'm moving forwards, not backwards, T."

  He was silent for a moment. Travis always did that when he was unhappy about something, or just pondering the answer to an internal equation. He seemed to drift off into his own little world, quietly thinking of what to say and how to articulate what he was feeling. Even back in the day, on that night when Gabriel called and started that whole crazy whirlwind, Travis had been decidedly cool, calm, and collected. Just an all-knowing look and a kiss on the forehead served as his goodbye. She'd hurt him then, but she never would have known how much until he decided to tell her one night before they made things official.

  After weeks of hanging out and reconnecting, she found out he'd broken up with his last girlfriend not too long before, the same chick that had been eyeballing her in the movie theater. He was single, he was affectionate and kind, and seeing the way his eyes devoured her made her remember how sexy she could feel. She made a quick decision over her second beer to take him home with her that night and finish what his eyes had started.

  He seemed game at first. Kissing her in the cab, holding her from behind and whispering flirtatious innuendos in her ear as they walked into her building. When they reached her apartment, he ran his fingers over her thigh and under her skirt, and she'd grown excited. The anticipation of feeling him inside her drove her crazy with need. She'd dragged him towards her room, clicking on the light and leading him toward the familiarity of her bed. That's when he'd stopped her. His eyes had taken on that familiar shadow.

  She was under the spell of an alcoholic buzz and the need to be close to a man's skin, his scent, to be filled. It'd been months since she'd spoken to Gabriel and she was still trying to forget their last time together. He'd come to see her in person to try to mend what they'd broken. That was the last time she'd had a man inside of her. Sometimes the memory still made her sob until she was exhausted. Sometimes when she heard a knock on her door she would have to remind herself that it wasn't Gabriel knocking the way he had when he'd hopped a plane towards the end of the tour to talk to her face to face. What other recourse did he have when she refused to pick up the phone and talk to him? She'd been so stupid and scared to talk to him then, so relieved and full of anguished passion when she opened the door and saw him there. Waiting for her...

  She was in the midst of shaking herself out of thinking about Gabriel, when Travis spoke. She didn't hear what he said. She thought maybe it was something like, "Hold on, Nicole," but she was too wrapped up in erasing the ache to care. She was pulling Travis to her. But this time, for the first time, he was pulling away from her instead.

  He unraveled his hands from hers and took a step back.

  "What's the matter?" she asked. As if she didn't already know the answer deep down.

  She looked up at him where he was leaning against her bedroom door, ankles crossed, hands shoved in his pockets. His eyes were unwavering and she turned away from them for a moment to toss her purse onto a chair in the corner. She needed a moment to regroup from the accusation in his eyes. Then fear gripped her. She'd always relied on his desire for her. She thought she'd read the signs right. But maybe...

  "Do you not want to?" she asked then. She felt sick at the sadness she heard in her voice. She tried to erase it when she turned and took a step towards him, putting on her best, innocent vixen smile. She was a little out of practice, but she hoped it would do the trick. She remembered how much fun it used to be when he didn't stay stranded against the doorframe of her bedroom.

  Looking over his tall frame in jeans and a gray and white striped shirt, she was trying very hard to resist throwing herself at him, ripping off his clothes, and doing every dirty thing she could think of to convince him to fill her body.

  "You know I want to," he'd said quietly, interrupting her mental hot flash. His lips were thinner than Gabriel's, but no less supple-looking. They spread now into an easy half-smile, but that bright sapphire gaze that seemed to change depending on his mood and mode of dress, didn't match his grin. "But I want something more than just tonight. And I think you know that."

  She lowered her head, refusing to meet his gaze. Of course she knew that.

  "I don't want to put pressure on you, Nicole. I know you've been through a lot, and I want to be there for you—"

  "You have been there for me. You've been great, T."

  He tilted his head to the side a bit. "It wasn't all in the name of chivalry, you know? I want to be more than just your friend. I always have. I'm not sure if you want the same thing, or if you're even ready to know what you want right now. But I know what I want."

  He took a step forward. She felt the pitter-patter of her heart as it picked up speed.

  "I want you," he whispered, brushing an errant strand of hair away from her cheek before cupping it with his larger hand. "All of you. Some days I thought I could settle for less if it meant I could just be close to you."

  "I know," she whispered softly. He pulled her closer to him, their bodies just barely touching. "That wasn't fair to you, Travis, and I'm sorry."

  He nodded. He searched her eyes for a moment. "Then you know how you can make it up to me," he said softly. It was both a naughty proposal, and an offer for something real. Something like true togetherness. "But only if you're sure. Only if you're ready for this to be more than just something to pass the time. If not, then you have to let me know now... before I do what I want to do to you..."

  His thumb stroked the smooth expanse of her bottom lip, testing her resolve and how willing she was to take the leap with him. She sighed against his touch, her body tingling in the familiar rhythm of longing. Fulfillment was just within reach. And so was friendship, trust. So was a man who wouldn't pack his bags and leave soon, a man who had never done anything but wait for her. She'd be a fool to turn that away for a second time, wouldn't she? After months of being parted from Gabriel, shouldn't she be allowed to move on? Shouldn't she grab wh
at she could hold, grasp it tightly to her, and trust it not to leave her? She wanted to. She wanted so badly to trust what his eyes, his body, and his actions offered her. She wanted so badly to stop thinking about what she'd lost.

  Her answer was in the kiss she offered him, the one he leaned down to claim with an excitement that made her moan and clasp him to her. He sighed against her lips, his smile broadening when he slid his fingers down her neck and grasped a throbbing breast. She whimpered in excitement at a touch that wasn't her own for the first time in months.

  "You want more?" he asked breathlessly, sliding his fingers down her quivering stomach.

  You want more, dirty girl?

  Gabriel’s voice, even now, invaded the moment. She closed her eyes against sudden, hot tears that threatened to spill, and nodded over and over as Travis laid her down on her bed.

  That was the first time they made love as a couple. He was slow, gentle, as if with every touch he were trying to mend her. It made her feel free and tended to, and yet it also pained her. Did she really seem so broken? She just wanted to forget, to feel something other than longing for what could have been, and release from the pain she'd let Travis try to heal with his jokes and company. She didn't want to be the sad girl anymore. So that night she told herself that if she was going to agree to this, she was going to do so with all the resolve she had in her. The old Nicole Langley, and this new one, couldn't survive in the same body anymore. She was going to have to let that dreamer, that little girl in love with a fantasy drown while she swam to shore.

  She was going to have to forget that even though Gabriel had gotten on a plane to come see her, even though he'd apologized and poured out his heart as he made love to her one last time, in the end, they’d agreed that they couldn't go on like this. They could only be friends because he wasn’t ready to say forever. Not to her. Not to anyone.