Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  I didn’t have a clue what arrhythmias and seizures he was talking about. “Doctor, will you please tell me what’s going on?”

  Another doctor walked in behind him, a beautiful woman in her mid-forties.

  “This is my colleague, Dr. Villeux. She’ll be sitting in with us.”

  “Okay. What am I doing here?”

  “You collapsed on the beach and were unresponsive. When you arrived at the hospital, you had multiple medical issues, many of which will continue for some time. One, your heart has an arrhythmia, which basically means it’s out of sync. You’re wearing an external pacemaker to help regulate your heartbeat. You had many seizures. We’re monitoring your brain to make sure there’s no lasting effects, but since you’re awake and can speak coherently, it seems you’re in the clear and they won’t leave any lasting effects. You needed a blood transfusion to battle the anemia and we’re monitoring your kidneys, as well. You’re receiving around-the-clock nutrition and liquids to start rebuilding your body.”

  My mouth gaped open. “What? How the heck did all that happen?”

  “Natalie,” Dr. Villeux said. “It’s time for you to be honest with yourself. If I had to guess, you know how you got here. I’m going to ask you a question that will upset you, but it must be addressed. How long have you been starving yourself?”

  My stomach lurched, and I thought I might need to throw up the “nutrition” they were giving me. “What?” I was done. The game was over. I was here because I hadn’t taken care of myself in years. There was no more denying it.

  She tapped her pen on her clipboard, her gaze never leaving mine. She was calling my bluff, waiting for me to admit to it.

  Shit. I could only assume everyone now knew everything.

  “Being honest with yourself and us is going to give us the best chance of helping you fight this and regain your life,” she said.

  I sighed and looked away, out the dreary hospital window. I could see the blue sky, and I wished to be walking hand in hand with Kai down the beach behind my house instead of here.

  Kai. God knows what he thought now. He must’ve been the one who got me here. My face flamed in embarrassment. The last thing I told him to do was leave.

  He didn’t.

  I pushed him away, but he stayed.

  “Natalie.” Dr. Villeux’s voice broke through my thoughts, and it was then I knew exactly who she was. A psychiatrist.

  “Are you a psychiatrist?”

  She nodded. “Yes. I’m here to help you, but I can only help if you let me.”

  I closed my eyes, wishing I could rip the wires off, remove the IV, and run from all this.

  “When I was fourteen years old,” I said, my eyes still closed.

  “When you were fourteen you stopped eating?”

  “Yes. My mother left my brother and me in foster care when I was fourteen.”

  Dr. Villeux wrote notes on her clipboard, and I could only imagine what they said.

  “How many calories a day would you say you eat?” Dr. McMillian questioned.

  I met his eyes. “As little as possible.” I might as well be honest. I mean, I was lying in the hospital after passing out on the beach, and the list of things wrong with me scared me shitless.

  Dr. Villeux nodded. “Thank you for your candidness, Natalie. That will help in your treatment plan.”

  I wasn’t prepared for a treatment plan or what all that involved. “Treatment plan?”

  She nodded. “Yes. Once your medical issues are stabilized, we would like to admit you to a rehab facility for thirty days and have you work intensively in therapy to start to change your thinking and get your body healthier.”

  My eyes widened, and my pulse raced. No. I couldn’t be locked up. Visions of Beau, screaming as my mother had him taken away, filled my head. “You’re locking me up?”

  Dr. Villeux frowned at me. “Locking you up? No. You need help, Natalie. This episode could’ve killed you. The only reason you’re here talking to us right now is because your boyfriend was there and got you here in time. Another fifteen minutes and you could’ve died. It’s that serious.”

  My boyfriend. So Kai did save me and bring me here.

  “But I have no choice about going? I don’t need to go. I can do it myself.”

  “Natalie, with all due respect, you do need to go. If you could manage this yourself, you wouldn’t be in the condition you are. This is life or death. We aren’t sure what long term effects of fifteen years of abusing your body will remain. You may think I'm being dramatic, but I’m not. You have to take control of this, and now.”

  “And if I say no?”

  Dr. McMillian cleared his throat. “We would prefer not to force the issue. We don’t want to, but based on your medical issues and the imbalance of your reasoning, we can build a case to keep you based on our medical diagnosis but you’re much more likely to be successful if this is your choice.”

  Tears stung behind my eyes. No matter what, I had to go. Either on my own, or they’d force me.

  “So you’re making it like it’s my choice, but it’s not really.”

  They both sighed. “You have a room full of people who’ve been here for thirty-six hours, waiting to make sure you’re okay. Do you want to look at all of them and tell them you don’t care if you’re here or not? Because if you don’t get help now, you might as well say goodbye.”

  I opened my mouth and snapped it closed again. I thought of Beau, who just a few years ago stood on a bridge and tried to end it all. I thought of how scared I was when I got that call from April, and how worried we were that he’d never come back to us.

  I knew I couldn’t do that to them. Not to Beau, to April, or any of my family.

  Or to Kai.

  Even if he decided I was too much for him to handle after this. I would understand.

  “No.” My answer came out as little more than a whisper, but they heard me.

  “Good. While you’re here, I’m going to come in daily for sessions with you. We’re going to keep giving you nutrition intravenously, but starting tomorrow, we’re going to meet with a dietician and put you on an eating plan. That plan will continue as you move into the rehab facility, where for thirty days, you’ll participate in individual and group therapies, as well as coaching and meeting with a dietician. This road won’t be easy, Natalie. There will be times when you want to revert to your old way, but you need to remember the feeling of waking up in this hospital bed not knowing what happened to you. The next time this happens, you may not wake up at all.”

  I looked down at myself, wondering what it would feel like to gain weight. “I’m afraid to be fat.”

  “I think you can just stop with you’re afraid. It’s normal. Your mind has lied to you most of your life, telling you you’re fat if you eat anything at all. It isn’t going to get better overnight. There will be days you go backward. But as long as you’re committed to pushing through, you can get through it. You can overcome it.”

  “How much weight do I need?” The numbers on the scale gave me heart palpitations.

  She shook her head. “We aren’t worrying about numbers yet. We need to stabilize your body and your mind.”

  This was all so overwhelming. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings about the rapid turn my life had taken.

  “Can I have some time?”

  “Yes. I’ll be back to talk to you tomorrow. Until then, please rest. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”

  “We’ll be doing some more tests later to see what your results are in comparison to the ones you had done when you first came in,” Dr. McMillan explained. “Rest for now.”

  “Can I see my family?”

  He stopped at the door and turned back to me. “Later. You need your rest. After the tests, if you’re up for it, I’ll let them in. If your tests show you’re stable enough, we may be moving you to a regular room until you move to rehab.”

  With that, they both left the room, leaving me alone with
the antagonistic thoughts running rampant through my head.

  I lifted my hands and covered my face, allowing the hot tears that waited to come out once they were gone. They soaked through the cracks of my fingers, went down my forearms and onto my bed. My chest heaved and my stomach constricted with the pent-up emotion. I couldn’t do this. There was no way I could do rehab, subject myself to constant monitoring, noting every calorie I put in my body. I wasn’t interested in group sessions or weighing myself. I didn’t allow anyone to control what I did. There wasn’t any way I could start now. I couldn’t leave the band—they wouldn’t know what to do without me for thirty days. I didn’t even want to think about where this would leave things with Kai. I was furious with myself for getting into this situation.

  I couldn’t gain weight. I hated myself as it was. But they said if I didn’t…

  No. I couldn’t think about that. I’d be fine. I was young. My body would recover.

  I cried until I had nothing left in me to cry, and then I fell into a fitful sleep.

  I sat up, fluffing the pillow behind me. My tests came back with more positive results than the previous ones, though they would still monitor me for continued seizures and I’d have to wear the external pacemaker for arrhythmia issues until I went to rehab. I wasn’t nearly as anemic as I was, thanks to the transfusion, and my kidneys seemed healthy. Since then, I was moved out of ICU and to a regular room.

  All in all, it seemed I dodged a huge bullet. Huge. That didn’t mean I was in the clear, but it was better than they originally thought.

  While I was napping earlier, the memory finally surfaced in a dream. I saw myself fall onto the sand, clutching my chest. Then I saw Kai running toward me and calling 9-1-1. I watched as he checked my pulse and breathing, and as he held me in his arms and cried out for help.

  Kai.

  I was just moments away from seeing all of them. Dr. McMillan said they could all come in now that I was in a regular room. I was never nervous about seeing my band, but my stomach fluttered with nervous energy.

  Before I could think about it anymore, the door opened and in stepped Beau. He shut the door behind him.

  “I wanted to come see you first.” My brother sat on the edge of my bed, and I smiled thinly at him.

  “Okay.”

  He took my hand and caressed it with his large fingers. “I’m so sorry, Natalie.”

  Tears sprung to my eyes and rolled down my cheeks without warning. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Beau. You didn’t do anything.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I did. I took all of your attention for so many years. You did everything for me and nothing for yourself. If it weren’t for my issues…”

  “No.” I stopped him. “This is not your fault, Beau.”

  He leaned over and wiped his fingers under my eyes as the tears kept coming.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve done anything to help you.” His voice cracked and I lost it. My shoulders shook and my chest heaved. Beau wrapped his arms around me and we sat in silence. When I felt him shudder, I closed my eyes. I hated seeing my brother upset.

  I shook my head, trying to work past the lump in my throat. “Beau, you don’t understand. You know how you never told anyone about the things you suffered with except me because I lived it with you?” He nodded but didn’t say a word. “This is like that. I thought for sure I had it under control, that I was doing what I needed to do. I’ve known for years I wasn’t taking care of myself, but at that point, I was so far gone, I couldn’t stop. Every time I told myself today I would eat, today I would only run five miles, not ten, I couldn’t do it. I looked in the mirror and saw fat from over indulgence.”

  Beau sat back and it was then I saw the tears shimmering in his eyes. “Nat.” His voice cracked and he shook his head, trying to talk around his emotion. “I never understood what that was like. I mean, I knew you were too thin, and I teased you about force feeding you hamburgers…” His voice broke again and I watched as one lone tear traveled down his face. “I’m sorry. I wish I would’ve been able to see it. I can’t lose you, Nat.”

  “I didn’t want you to see it, Beau. I knew it was my way of controlling the way things went in my life. I couldn’t control what happened to us, or the things we had to deal with. But I could make a decision to run ten miles or not to eat for a few days. Does that make sense? And you aren’t losing me. I promise.”

  “It does make sense.” Beau smiled sadly. “I love you, Natalie. You’ve always lived your life for everyone else. First me, and then me and the band. But you know what?”

  “What, baby bro?”

  “It’s time you live your life for you. You need to get better. We’re all going to be here for you, every step of the way, but you need to do it without the stress of managing the band.”

  “What? No, Beau.” He couldn’t take that away from me. I wouldn’t survive it.

  “I see the panic all over your face. Trust me, Nat. You’re not losing your role with the group. We’d be nothing without you, and we all know it. But we’ve sucked the life out of you. We have a pretty chill few months. We’re just getting our new stuff ready for the tour and our new record, and we don’t need you for that. We’ve already decided April and Mac will handle the emails and office stuff, and the rest of us will handle anything else that comes up. You’re on vacation until we go on tour. And if you need longer than that, you’ve got it.”

  I thought about what he said. He was right. I wasn’t in any place to handle the band right now. “Thank you, Beau. I know I need to focus on getting better, but I’m not sure I can take a few months off. Once I get out of rehab, I may need something to focus my energy on.”

  “We’ll talk about that when the time comes. So you agreed to go to rehab?”

  I sniffed. “Beau, I know I have to do it. But, I’m petrified to go. I’ll be locked in there for thirty days, not able to get out. I have to be honest and say I’m not sure how I’ll handle that.”

  He nodded, understanding why that would be hard for me.

  “But, I either go voluntarily, or they commit me. So it doesn’t seem I have a choice.”

  “I think it’s a better idea if you go yourself. If you can work through these thoughts and fears and make that decision, it’ll be better for you than being forced. Trust me on this.”

  “I know,” I confessed. “I’m so scared, Beau. I don’t want to go.” Scared was an understatement. Just saying the words made me want to run out of this hospital and hide where I could keep control over what would happen to me.

  He leaned over and wrapped me in his big strong arms. I remembered when I was the one who always wrapped my arms around him and comforted him. Now, my little brother comforted me. It felt good. Like home. We embraced in silence as I allowed tears to track down my face.

  “I know you are, Nat. But we can’t lose you. Please, do this for me. I can’t lose you.” He pulled back and sniffled. “Kai can’t lose you, either.”

  I wiped my eyes, willing the fear away. “Did I totally freak him out?”

  “The man has been beside himself. He loves you, Natalie. You know that, right?”

  I bit my lip, remembering the events on the beach. “I remember he told me. Then, I got mad and told him to leave and go home to New York because he was worried about me not eating. This was just minutes before I collapsed.”

  “He’s not angry with you,” Beau said. “He was just as distraught as me. He hasn’t slept at all. When you were still in ICU, he went in and saw you first. When he came out, he had tears dripping off his face. He didn’t care about showing us how affected he was by you. He’s the real deal, Nat.”

  “Can I do this, Beau? Look at me.” I indicated my hospital bed. “I’m a mess. I don’t deserve someone like him.”

  “Natalie, think about what you told me when I wanted to push April out of my life. When I found out about Robbie. Did you tell me I was too messed up to be loved by them? To be a good husband and father?” />
  “No,” I whispered. “Because you’re amazing at both of those things. I’ve never seen anyone love as big as you do.”

  He nodded. “I have. It’s you. Where do you think I learned to love? It sure as hell wasn’t our parents.” Beau covered my hand with his again. “You have more ability to love than anyone I know. If you allow yourself, you can be happy with Kai. You deserve happiness. You just have to believe it.”

  “Is he going to want to be around for all this, though? Thirty days of inpatient treatment? A life of fighting an eating disorder? Falling off the wagon all the time and trying to keep myself on track? What kind of partner will I be?”

  Beau shook his head. “Natalie, you know life isn’t easy. April has to deal with days when I don’t understand why I feel the way I feel, but I do. She doesn’t tell me she can’t handle it or I need to suck it up. She loves me through it. She made me feel whole again, even on the days I want to fall to pieces. Robbie and Olivia are bonuses. They think I hung the moon. Anything is possible, Nat. I’m living proof. You are living proof of that, too. Think about those scared kids in our first foster home and then look at us now. Did you ever imagine we’d be where we are in life?”

  “No.”

  “Exactly. Now you have the chance at real, true happiness with a good guy who thinks you hung the moon. Why would you throw that away because you’re scared?”

  “Because I’m scared,” I admitted.

  He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “One day at a time, big sis. But don’t think letting Kai go will stop him. He’s not the kind of guy who’ll run away with his tail between his legs. He’s the guy who’ll knock down the door and fight all the demons just to save the princess.”

  With that, he left me to my thoughts.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Kai

  “She’s all yours,” Beau said, clapping me on the back as he walked by.

  “How is she?” Mac and April asked in unison.