Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  But with it was a card with a song I wanted her to listen to.

  “What was your favorite song I sent so far?”

  “‘Love Remains the Same.’”

  I sighed. “It does, love. I love you, Natalie. Don’t forget it. I want you to think about it when you’re feeling down, or you think you can’t do this for the next few weeks. I’m here, cheering for you, and waiting for the second I can have you in my arms again. I can’t sleep without you there.”

  “I can’t wait to be there again. It seems like it’s so long away, but I know I need this. My therapist wants my family to come to my last individual session. Do you think you can ask everyone if they would come? And would you come?”

  “Of course, Natalie. I’ll be there anytime you want me.” I was afraid to have Beau in the same room with her while she was still so fragile, but she didn’t know anything about that.

  “I have two things for you.” Natalie’s voice caught.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “What’s that?”

  “Two songs. ‘Skyscraper’ by Demi Lovato and ‘Wait for Me’ by Theory of a Deadman.”

  “Do you have time to listen to one together?”

  “Yes.”

  “Which one describes you best right now?”

  “‘Wait for Me.’”

  I opened the app and hit play. I knew the song, but listening to it with Natalie—and understanding they were her words to me—made it even more powerful than I ever remembered.

  I closed my eyes as the lyrics connected us, miles apart but our hearts together. “I’ll always wait for you, love. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Kai?” I could hear the emotion in her voice, and it took everything I had in me not to break down. She needed me to be strong.

  “I’m right here.”

  “I wanted to look you in the eyes when I said this the first time. I’m sorry I couldn’t before…” Natalie took a shaky breath. “But everything that’s happened to me and where I am now made me realize I don’t want to go one more second without you knowing how I feel about you. I love you, Kai Sterling Pierson. I didn’t think I was capable of it, or that anyone would love the broken parts of me, but I accept it. I accept the love you’re offering, and I’m giving you the shards of my heart in return.”

  “Natalie.” This time, I allowed the emotion to take over. The fullness of my heart dripped out of my eyes and the lump in my throat dissipated as I let it all go. “Love. I love you so much. Thank you. You made my day. My life. I promise you I’ll put the shards of your heart back together. It’ll be me and you. Always and forever.”

  “I have to go, Kai.” Natalie sniffled. “I’ve got one more song for you to listen to when we hang up. It’s ‘Blank Page’ by Christina Aguilera.”

  “We’re starting a new book together. The day you get out of there. I’ll talk to you next week, Natalie. Remember how much I love and believe in you.”

  “I love you too, Kai. Thank you for everything.”

  I couldn’t help but wonder if she would thank me if she knew what happened here this week and what I kept from her.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Natalie

  “Step up backward.” The nurse smiled at me, and I wanted to punch her. It was my last few days here, and despite the major progress I knew I made, things like this made me want to run as far away as I could.

  Weigh in.

  I thought of Kai as I stepped on the scale, forcing my brain away from the thoughts of the food I ate for breakfast and the clothes I wore that would make the scale heavier. They never told me what the number was, but I knew I gained weight while I was here. I felt it in my clothes and saw it when I looked at myself. Annoyingly, there were no mirrors here. I knew I had to gain weight, but I couldn’t see the number. I knew I wasn’t ready for it anyhow. I fought daily to understand the difference I saw in myself was a good thing.

  When Kai told me he would send me something every day, he meant it. His daily deliveries, plus our weekly fifteen-minute phone calls, got me through the hardest part of this journey. I missed my brother, the band, and Mac and April something fierce, but I was grateful they let me have the time to talk to Kai. Our relationship needed it.

  My second week here, he sent me an iPod full of the songs we shared together over the last few months. I carried it everywhere I went and slept with it playing in my ears at night. I couldn’t wait to be in his arms again, and I talked about him daily with my therapists. I didn’t want to screw this up, but Lord knew I didn’t know how to have a relationship with anyone like Kai. They gave me a lot of strategies to help me open up to him and be honest about all the things I’d kept hidden for so long.

  I didn’t like to talk about myself, my past, and the reasons I wanted control over everything, but the therapists didn’t care about what was comfortable or not. They had to push me outside of my box to get to my triggers so I wouldn’t go backward. There were just some things that stayed hidden, however. Things I could never tell anyone. I got as close as I would get when I told Dr. Villeux about my mother blackmailing me for money and I still regretted that.

  Meeting with the nutritionist was also helpful. While I wasn’t allowed to exercise yet, she helped me with meal planning, good food choices and how to eat to keep my body running correctly. Once I was medically cleared, I would get a plan to follow for exercise, too. The external pacemaker came off a few weeks ago and my heart was in normal rhythm. I knew how lucky I was.

  It was all about moderation, and that would be the most difficult for me. I wasn’t used to doing things halfway.

  “The doctor will be in in a few minutes,” the nurse said. Today was my last physical checkup before I was released, where the doctor would go over all my test results from when I was hospitalized and now.

  I lay my head back against the wall behind me and stuck the earbuds in my ears to wait for the doctor.

  “She’s Everything” began playing, and I swayed back and forth, tapping my foot on the floor. I hated to admit I liked country now, but the songs Kai picked out just did something to me. It made me think of his warm arms around me, swaying in my living room, and sleeping with his arms wrapped around me in my bed.

  The door swung open just as the song finished. I slid the iPod in my pocket as the doctor smiled at me. “Natalie.”

  “Hello, Dr. Miller.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m good. Better every day.”

  “Any episodes of being dizzy, or any heart irregularities?”

  I shook my head. “No. I feel better than I have in a long time.”

  He smiled. “Great.” He stood silently, reading my chart. “There’s one more thing I don’t see in your paperwork from the hospital. When was the last time you had your period?”

  I frowned. “I don’t know. I had an IUD implanted a few years ago.”

  “Have you had one since then?”

  “I don’t think so. Why?”

  “Eating disorders mess with the hormones in your body, and after the trauma your body has been through, we need to check to make sure there isn’t permanent damage.”

  “Permanent damage like what?”

  Dr. Miller tapped his pen on his clipboard. “Sometimes women who have been suffering from an eating disorder for a long time like you lose the ability to ovulate. Have your periods ever been regular?”

  “No.” My head spun with the possibility of never having my own family. Before Kai, it wouldn’t have mattered what the outcome was. But now…I wasn’t sure what he would think if I couldn’t have children of my own. That thought alone sent my mind into orbit.

  “I’ll have you seen by the gynecologist before you’re discharged. The IUD will need to come out so we can get an accurate read on what’s happening in there. You’ll have to use other means of protection once you’re released. Otherwise, you seem to be doing well. You have positive notes from your therapists, and physically you’re getting much stronger.
Your test results are all encouraging. I don’t have to tell you it’s important for you to continue what you’ve been learning here.”

  “Thank you, and yes, I know.”

  “It’s important for you to stay in therapy and go see your doctor regularly. You’ll need to be monitored for several years to make sure your body continues on the right track. Your body took quite a beating for many years. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I need your commitment to try your hardest.”

  “I promise. I know it’ll be hard. It’s already been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I have a great support system. My brother, my friends, and my boyfriend will all help me.” I have to let them this time.

  But I knew I didn’t have a choice. It was a live or die situation, and I wanted to live.

  I had something—someone—to live for.

  I wrung my hands, my stomach churning. I shook my leg, waiting impatiently for them to let me walk out of this room for the last time. My bag sat at my feet, full of clothes, toiletries, and all the things Kai sent me while I was here.

  Today was the day I sat with everyone and did a group therapy session before being released back to the real world.

  My therapist said they all could come if I wanted, and I did. They were my family, the only one I had. Blood or not blood, it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t have to wonder if they’d be here.

  “Natalie, they’re ready for you in the big meeting room.” Glenda, the nurse I became closest to while I was here, walked into the room. “You’re getting out of here, girl. I’m so proud of you.” She hugged me tight and then stepped back, her eyes glistening. “You look so great. When you first came here, you looked like the saddest person I’d ever seen. Now, you’re radiant. You’re ready to be the best version of yourself you can be.”

  I realized everyone here ignored your physical beauty. I guessed that was for a reason.

  I blew out a breath. “I’m so scared.”

  “Scared? Awe, come on, honey. You don’t have to be scared. You have all the resources you need, and you know everyone here is there for you anytime you need them.”

  “I know. I’ll be okay. I just don’t want to fall back into old habits.”

  “You’ll have hard days, like we all do. The most important part is remembering what you have to live for.” I nodded, not able to speak around the lump in my throat.

  We walked down the long hallway until we reached the big meeting room. Glenda opened the door, and I followed her in. My gaze immediately went to Kai, who stood the second he saw me.

  His eyes widened, and his mouth dropped as he closed the space between us in seconds. He grabbed me and lifted me off the ground, burying his head in my neck as he squeezed me to his body.

  “Natalie. God, it’s so good to see you and touch you and feel you.” His words were muffled against my skin, but I heard every syllable.

  Tears pricked the backs of my eyes as his large hands caressed my back. “Kai, I’m so glad to see you.”

  He pulled back, and that’s when I saw the emotion shimmering in his eyes. “I love you, Natalie Anderson. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He raked his gaze up and down my body. “You are stunning. Absolutely stunning.”

  I wanted to call bullshit, but once I saw the heat in his eyes, I couldn’t.

  “Don’t you dare,” he whispered against my lips, kissing me softly.

  “Don’t I dare what?”

  “Don’t you dare question what I said. If you don’t believe anyone else, believe the man who loves you. You’re gorgeous. You look radiant and healthy and…mine. All mine, love.”

  “Yours.” I framed his face with my hands, ignoring the rest of the people in the room. They had to give me a moment. “And let me tell you in person. I love you, Kai Pierson. Thank you for sticking it out with me, for being here every step of the way, for being who you are. Thank you for loving me.”

  Kai put his lips against my ear. “I can’t wait to make you say that later when I’m sending you over the edge.”

  A throat cleared across the room and Kai pulled back. He smirked at the blush on my face. That’s when I looked around the room and saw all of them watching us. Bex, April, and Mac stared at me with their mouths agape.

  I looked down. “What?”

  The girls stood and walked to me. “You look wonderful. Positively glowing and so healthy.” Mac hugged me first, followed by April and then Bex, identical tears shimmering in their eyes.

  “Thank you.”

  “Let’s have a seat,” Dr. Martin said.

  It was then I noticed Beau, sitting with his head down, staring at his hands. He hadn’t even looked at me. When April sat down next to him, she leaned over and whispered in his ear. That’s when he lifted his head and our gazes met.

  He didn’t smile. His lips didn’t twitch in shock or with relief. He looked…angry. Stone still and unemotional.

  I sank into the seat next to Kai, and he immediately took my hand in his. When he squeezed my fingers, I tore my gaze from my brother, and that’s when I saw it.

  Sadness and remorse shadowed Kai’s eyes. Something was up with Beau, and he knew about it. I scanned the faces of my family, and I realized I was the only one who didn’t know what was going on.

  “What’s going on?” My voice shook, and I hated it.

  Dr. Martin cleared his throat. “We had a chat before you got here, Natalie, and there’s something everyone needs to discuss with you as part of our session today.”

  My chest fluttered, and I felt the tightness beginning, a feeling I hadn’t had in a month. I let go of Kai’s hand and rubbed it, trying to make the sensation go away. Kai watched my motion and his expression immediately changed.

  “I don’t know if she’s ready for this,” he said. “Dr. Martin, do you think this is the time and place? She just changed everything about her life. She’s still trying to heal…”

  “This is the best place,” Dr. Martin said. “We can deal with everything now, out in the open. That way when Natalie leaves here, she has all the tools she needs to continue her progress.”

  “Deal with what?” I didn’t mean for my voice to be so direct and abrupt, but enough was enough. I hated being left in the dark. “Beau.”

  Beau flinched but didn’t move to look at me.

  “Beau Oliver. Look at me.”

  Never in his life had he ignored me, but that’s what he did now. April put her hand on his leg and squeezed, but he didn’t respond.

  A sob caught in my throat. “What happened? Beau, why aren’t you looking at me or responding to me?” I tore my gaze from his still form and looked at the rest of them. “What is it? Someone tell me!” Hot tears streaked down my face, and I felt like I may vomit. My euphoria from moments ago was long gone.

  “Natalie, take a deep breath.” Dr. Martin’s calm voice made me want to scream and start throwing things. But I knew until I listened, he wouldn’t let anyone continue. Amazing the things you learned in thirty days.

  “There you go. In and out.” I obliged, watching as each one of my family members—minus Beau—stared at me, waiting.

  “Tell me.”

  Dr. Martin indicated Beau. “Beau, why don’t you talk to your sister.”

  Beau studied his hands, and I watched as his fingers began playing a beat on his leg. It was his tell, and I knew he was upset. Not that I didn’t already know that, but whatever this was, it was bigger than his mind could wrap around.

  “I’ll start,” Kai said. Everyone shifted their gaze to him, including me. Kai was involved in this, too. “While you were in here, April and Mac helped with keeping the office stuff running. One day, April was checking email when she came across a new one we didn’t understand.”

  I furrowed my brow, not understanding. Surely Beau wasn’t mad about an email.

  “She asked me to come over and see if I knew what it was about. She searched your files and found emails from this same person, demanding money over the last several
years.”

  I gasped involuntarily, and my hand flew to my mouth. No. They didn’t. She didn’t. I just sent her money; she didn’t need to send me an email while they were holding down the fort.

  My life was over.

  Everything was over.

  I stood, looking wildly around the room for a bathroom door. When I didn’t see one, I ran for the door to the room and flung it open. No one stopped me as I ran down the hallway to the closest bathroom and lost the contents of my stomach. Tears streaked down my face, and my chest and stomach ached. I sat back on the tile floor and leaned my head against the bathroom door, holding my hand over my mouth to muffle the sobs that wracked my body.

  Large, gasping cries fought through my mouth and took over my body until I shook from head to toe.

  “Natalie.” The voice came through the crack of the door. It was Kai. “Let me in, love. Please.”

  I wanted to go back fifteen minutes when I got to feel Kai’s arms around me and heard his whispers of love and what he wanted to do when we left here.

  But all along, he knew. The whole time he sent me gifts and talked to me on the phone while I was in here, he knew.

  “Go away,” I said, wiping the stream of tears from my eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Natalie. Please. Don’t shut me out. Please come back with me into the room.”

  “I need a few minutes. I’ll be back in when I can.”

  “I’m staying out here. You’re not walking back in there alone.”

  My heart swelled while my brain screamed obscenities at it. He kept this from you. Don’t swoon over him.

  “He won’t even look at me, Kai. What does he know?”

  “Natalie, let me in. Please. I need to hold you.”

  “No.” I had to do this on my terms. “What does he know, Kai?”

  I heard him sigh like his face was pressed up against the crack in the bathroom door. “Everything.”

  I cried out and bit my lip against the desire to throw up again. I clutched my chest as anxiety crushed me. He knew everything. There wasn’t any way. He couldn’t know everything.