Trade Secrets

by Kathleen Knowles

“We don’t know that, and it still makes no sense.” Sheila was looking into the middle distance, and Tony grew even more afraid but also bit angry at her obtuseness.

  “It’s true,” Tony said in a near whisper. “I suspected it already, but now that I talked to Gordon, I know it’s true. I found the blog he told me about, and the guy knows what he’s talking about. I understand now why we can’t get the Leonardos to work correctly. And I can say it out loud. Honey, you can’t just keep saying Erica is only being a typical Silicon Valley CEO and she wouldn’t purposely screw up her own company. I don’t think that’s what’s going on. She doesn’t want to admit that it will never work.”

  “Please don’t talk to the reporter.” Sheila fixed Tony with a pleading expression.

  “I’m not going to, at least not yet. How is this going to end? Sheila, the way Erica and Huey screwed around with that inspector—doesn’t that mean anything? I mean what do you think? With all the stuff I told you about…”

  “If you talk to the reporter, that will start all sorts of trouble. At least let’s find out what my dad can do.”

  To Tony’s chagrin, Sheila still maintained her maddeningly even tone. She was beginning to wonder what her true feelings were. All that Buddhist junk Sheila absorbed: what in the end did it mean? Tony wanted Sheila on her side, all the way. But that was likely not possible. Sheila was stuck in the middle of a huge conflict of interest, for sure. Tony felt sick. This made what her dad had said way back when they first met true. Be careful. That what he’d said.

  “You don’t believe me,” Tony said.

  “It’s not that. I don’t—”

  “Nope. You don’t believe me. You think I’m wrong.”

  Sheila, who’d been looking down at her feet, raised her eyes. “No. I don’t think that. I don’t know what I think.”

  “It’s all screwed up. It’s a sham. I know it, and I think you know it too.”

  Sheila raised her voice for the first time ever since Tony had known her.

  “No. I don’t, and you don’t either. It’s totally counterintuitive for Erica to sabotage her own company. She wouldn’t do that. She has absolutely nothing to gain by doing that. There’s got to be another explanation.”

  “But that’s what she’s doing. I have the proof.”

  Sheila said nothing more. Tony felt sick to her stomach.

  Tony climbed out of the hot tub and put on her robe. She scarcely noticed the chill night air on her still-wet body. She didn’t care if Sheila’s eyes were following her as she slipped her feet into flip-flops.

  “Where are you going?” Sheila called after her.

  Ah-ha. I hear a tinge of pique. “I’m going inside to get dressed. I’m going back to the City. If you would drive me to the train station, I’d appreciate it, but otherwise I’ll take an Uber.” Tony was happy she could speak without apparent emotion. That was gratifying. Not that the emotion wasn’t there, but she didn’t want to show it. She wanted to match Sheila’s dispassionate delivery.

  * * *

  Sheila sat in the hot tub watching the ripples in the night-darkened water. Tony was upset. She needed to cool off, and she’d be okay. She was smart and wouldn’t do anything rash. Of that Sheila was convinced. Tony was the opposite of impetuous. She abruptly stood up and threw her own robe on, and, with her towel in hand, she walked through the living room to the bedroom.

  Tony was nearly dressed except for her shirt and shoes. She was stowing clothes into her overnight bag.

  Sheila said, “Give me a minute or two, and I’ll drive you. Unless I can persuade you to stay.”

  “No. I need to go home right now. It’s pointless to try to talk about this. You’re not going to change your mind.”

  “Right.” It was useless to argue. Sheila mechanically pulled on some sweats.

  In the Volt, Sheila didn’t try to make conversation. Tony didn’t kiss her as she exited the car in the Palo Alto train-station drop-off zone. She didn’t look back either.

  She’ll come around. Once Roy can get the board involved and rein in Erica, it’ll be better. She’ll feel better and cool down.

  * * *

  Tony tried to put aside her conflicted feelings and behave normally at work. Sanjay was apparently on autopilot. He no longer seemed to care, or maybe he just didn’t want to ask any questions that would invite the notice of Huey and his bad temper.

  They still had weekly all-hands meeting where the staff would look at each other blankly as Erica and Huey attempted to generate enthusiasm for whatever little snippet of news they imparted. Tony no longer believed a word they said, nor, it seemed, did anyone else. She had watched the sitcom The Office, and her coworkers’ expressions reminded her of the paper-company staff as their idiotic boss blathered on about whatever. The GHS staff faces had exactly the same expression while Huey and Erica were touting the company’s progress or, more often, what new publicity Erica had garnered. They even gave each other side-eyes the same way The Office staff did.

  Tony was supposed to give notice to her landlord in a matter of days when it came time to renew her lease. She had no idea what to do. She was no longer sure she ought to live with Sheila. She still loved her but…Sheila was unable to wholeheartedly get behind her. And in a perverse way, Tony understood. Sheila was genuinely conflicted. But in the end Tony thought Sheila ought to believe her and take her seriously. And take action.

  She had no clear answer to any of it. She didn’t know what to do about her job or about her girlfriend—two situations in flux. It was like being adrift on the ocean and having no way to navigate, not even having an oar to paddle with, and it was horrible. She hated any kind of uncertainty or ambiguity anyhow, and she was stuck in massive uncertainty in the two most important areas of her life: her job and her lover.

  * * *

  Sheila was on edge, and no amount of prana breathing was going to bring her down to a steady state. She told the receptionist to call her the second her dad returned. He was typically back from GHS board meetings within a couple of hours, but she suspected this board meeting would take longer. She halfheartedly tried to focus on some other projects. She made a few calls but found it hard to concentrate. She and Tony had exchanged texts a couple of times during the past few days, but not about anything significant. They were mostly about items Tony had left at her house that she wanted back. Tony hadn’t offered to come over or meet to talk. Nothing.

  It was suddenly obvious to Sheila that her future might hinge on the result of the board meeting. That was a bone-chilling insight. If the board voted to depose Erica and replace her with someone else, or put some serious restrictions on her, then Sheila could honestly say to Tony that the problem was being handled and that she hoped it would all work out in the end. Maybe that would reassure Tony. But…she and Tony were coming from opposite points of view. Sheila could never do a thing to jeopardize a company they were heavily invested in. That would be not only silly, but a breach of trust for the investors in their firm, who put their confidence in Sheila’s father and his partners’ investment acumen. They could initiate legal action against GHS, but that would be greeted with an uproar and would likely effectively end the possibility that they ever would make any money. The fallout of such an action would be dire.

  Tony was concerned with ethics and the scientific and medical soundness of the technology. Sheila herself could effectively do nothing to make any difference in this situation. This was a classic dilemma. Buddhist thought would definitely counsel doing nothing.

  Tony, on the other hand, could do something radical. She’d already tried with her complaint to the regulatory agency. Sheila knew Tony wanted her full-throated agreement that basically GHS had to be shut down. She couldn’t do that, and she couldn’t offer any effective counterargument to prevent Tony from talking to that reporter. Tony was upset enough to do just that, but she hadn’t yet, and Sheila still had a chance to dissuade her. Maybe If Roy came back with good news such as Erica being deposed as CEO.
>
  Her phone rang. The receptionist said, “He’s back.” She leapt up and raced down the hall to Roy’s office. His chair was empty. She looked back down the hall toward the entrance. No sign of him. She went to the front office. “Is he here?”

  Mari said, “He came in and said, ‘No calls.’”

  Sheila wheeled and went back to Roy’s office. It was still empty.

  She sat down to wait. In a couple minutes, her father strolled in and sat down behind his desk.

  “So?”

  He played with a letter opener and didn’t meet her gaze. “You’re not going to like it. Don’t be mad at me, honey.”

  “Tell me.”

  He swiveled his chair around and reluctantly spun out a story that infuriated Sheila. A couple of the members had raised concerns that they tried to articulate in the most diplomatic fashion. Erica pushed back and then slowly worked them around with a combination of flattery and contrition. She had a plausible explanation for the inspection results and for all the delays and missteps. In the end, she was still the CEO, and her board members were still wimps.

  “Dad, I think I ought to tell you something, but it’s really important you keep this confidential. Tony called that inspector in, and she knows GHS has serious internal problems that could amount to fraud. I don’t know that this is true, but Tony is positive that the problems are going to bring GHS down, and she has no incentive to lie about anything.”

  “Oh, Sheila, that’s not possible. Erica’s got some issues, but she’s not that dumb. That can’t be true. Does your girlfriend have some kind of ax to grind? What’s her deal?”

  His dismissive attitude struck her the wrong way. “She’s an honest, straightforward person, Dad. She has no axes to grind, as you put it. And you need to back off.”

  “All right, all right. Sorry.” Sheila went back to her office and sat in her chair trying to calm herself, but it was useless.

  Filled with dread, Sheila texted Tony and asked to her to come over after work and have dinner, and she agreed.

  Sheila watched Tony as she entered the passenger seat of the Volt and said nothing beyond, “Hello, darling.” Tony mumbled something that might have been hello. Sheila didn’t lean in for a kiss, nor did Tony initiate one.

  They didn’t speak beyond the necessary discussion for obtaining dinner. It was Italian, and they spread it all out on Sheila’s dining-room table.

  “Well. What’s the news?”

  “Not good, I’m afraid. The board wimped out. She’s still the big kahuna. No reprimand even. I’m sorry, baby.”

  Tony put her fork down and glared at Sheila. “You’re kidding.”

  “Tony, I really am sorry. I don’t agree with this, but there’s nothing I can do.”

  “Did you talk to your Dad?” Sheila endured a stab of guilt at what she had actually said to Roy. She had broken Tony’s confidence, and it ultimately made no difference anyhow.

  “Yes, I did, but there’s not a lot I can say to him that doesn’t violate your confidence. I told him about the inspection.”

  “Yeah. You didn’t have to use my name. Just amazing that they aren’t already up in arms about what Erica’s doing.”

  “Well. It’s hard to do something if no actual crime is involved. We tend to let CEOs run their companies. Market forces—”

  “Okay. No actual crime? What about fraud? Isn’t actually lying to people a bad thing? Erica must be some kind of genius hypnotist or something. She’s got them all fooled. As a matter of fact, Gordon has a theory…” Tony told Sheila about her conversation.

  “Tony, baby. I know how what I’m telling you sounds. I cannot do anything. I’m not in charge. Are you—?”

  Tony had stopped eating and was staring at her plate. “Are you not even the least upset? Can anything break through your façade? Are you just immune to emotion? Maybe you can’t influence the board of directors, but you could be upset. You could say, “‘Tony, I understand you have to talk to the reporter. I support you doing that because I love you.’”

  “What good is getting upset over something I can’t change? I’m not going to tell you something that isn’t true. That would be worse.”

  “Well, maybe I can change something. I can go talk to that reporter.”

  “Tony…” This was what Sheila had feared would happen.

  Tony stood up and threw her napkin on the table. “I’m going home. By train. Don’t bother to get in touch with me.”

  “Tony—please. Sit down and talk to me.”

  “I’m done talking to you.” She walked out the front door.

  Sheila didn’t follow her. Strong emotions washed over her—anger, fear, and grief. Was this over? What was going to happen if Tony followed through?

  Chapter Fifteen

  “His name is Tomas Avery. His number is 212-555-5555. I told him to expect your call. He’ll fly out here to interview you. I’m glad you decided to talk to him. You have a perspective that I don’t, facts I don’t know. He’s the real deal. I looked him up.”

  Tony sat in her old SF apartment and stared at the paper where she’d written the name and number Gordo gave her. The Washington Post. Holy crap. Sheila. Jesus Christ. When had she turned into this automaton with no emotional affect? She could at least commiserate with me, tell me that I ought to do what I think is right. Hold my hand. All she said was don’t talk to the reporter. At least she did say “Please.” That was something.

  Tony was miserable, but at least she’d made a decision. And she was convinced she’d made the correct choice. She could clear her conscience and know she’d done what she could. She would no longer represent a conflict of interest to Sheila. She intended to resign from GHS. That was the only honorable thing to do if she was going to blow them up by talking to a reporter. She thought about the NDA. Screw it. They can come after me if they want, if they even know I’ve talked. She’d ask Gordo if anything had happened.

  She called and left a message for Tomas Avery, then one for Gordon, and then she went to sleep. The next morning, she dropped off a resignation letter to Sanjay. It was short. Two sentences. It was no surprise that Huey came to her cube an hour later and said, “You can go ahead and leave today. Security will escort you out.” She nodded, didn’t say anything more, and left quietly. She checked her phone every hour, but Sheila hadn’t texted. She went home and called her dad.

  * * *

  It was an odd feeling—not knowing what she was going to do—and Sheila hated it. A forty-five-minute meditation didn’t clarify anything either. She’d go to the dharma talk on Thursday, and maybe that would help. She tended to her other clients and went to two pitch meetings. Roy didn’t seek her out, which wasn’t a surprise. She hoped he was feeling as bad as she was. Tony didn’t contact her, and she was determined to follow Tony’s order not to get in touch with her and wait for her to cool down. But Tony wasn’t a hothead. It felt like she’d made a final, irrevocable decision, and Sheila couldn’t blame her. Both her decisions, to go to the reporter and breaking up with Sheila, were the correct choices. For her.

  It looked like they were over. Sheila didn’t want to believe that. She wasn’t ready to practice acceptance around it, for sure. Buddhist practice was of no value at this moment. She’d made a request of Tony based on what she believed would best serve the needs of her company. She didn’t feel guilty for that. She was sorry Tony had to leave.

  I’m just going to be miserable for a while. Doesn’t the Dalai Lama say pain is inevitable, but suffering is not? I don’t have to suffer. I have to locate my compassion for Tony and her pain. I must trust and wait. But Sheila didn’t seem to be able to embrace that advice at all. She was devastated. Unbalanced wasn’t an accurate term for what she felt.

  At the dharma talk, it seemed some universal forces were at work, because the leader, Acharya Robert Stevens, announced that he planned to discuss anger. Hope for relief and hope for progress briefly raised Sheila’s mood.

  “Thich Nhat Hanh says anger is
habit energy. We are angry as a culture and as individuals, and it takes only an event or word from someone to trigger us. Our anger is old. It is in our bodies, and it will always flare under the right circumstances.”

  Sheila thought about that point. She had thought she was free from anger, but it was clear she wasn’t. Even though she hadn’t said it to Tony, she was angry with Tony for her actions at GHS, considered them counter-productive and foolish. If viewed from Sheila’s vantage point, they were. But not from Tony’s. Tony had the right to expect her girlfriend to wholeheartedly support her. Sheila couldn’t do that, and therefore they broke up. It made sense, but she still felt horrible.

  Stevens continued. “We identify the three poisons as greed, delusion, and anger. We know anger is destructive both to ourselves and to our society.”

  Sheila took that in. Boy, is that ever true. After Tony left her via Uber, she had felt physically sick.

  Stevens went on. “Anger and fear are closely connected. In fact, I would assert that behind all anger is fear.”

  What am I afraid of? Losing things that are valuable to me, and one is the success of GHS. The other is Tony’s love. Which is most vital to me? Money or love? That’s easy to decide. Or it ought to be.

  She forced herself to refocus on what Stevens was saying. He was describing how to handle anger, what to do with it. At the end of the talk, she approached him and signed up for his three-day intensive meditation workshop. She would take some time off and take care of herself. If Tony returned, she wanted to be ready and have her feelings under control.

  * * *

  After talking to Avery and setting up a meeting with him, Tony breathed easier. Tomas Avery promised everything she told him was on deep background and her name wouldn’t appear. Tony was reassured and believed him, but she figured the facts, when revealed in the Washington Post, would likely direct Erica and Huey to conclude she was the one who provided them. What would they do? She didn’t know, but she thought she was okay with the consequences.