Disquiet, Please!

by David Remnick

  UNICEF: Halloween is fast approaching! Have the third graders been given their little orange boxes?

  SERVANT: Yes, your majesty!

  UNICEF: Perfect. Did you tell them what the money was for?

  SERVANT: No, sir, of course not! We just gave them the boxes and told them to collect for UNICEF. We said it was for “a good cause,” but we didn’t get any more specific than that.

  UNICEF: Ha ha ha! Those fools! Soon I will have all the money in the world. For I am UNICEF, evil king of Halloween!

  SERVANT: Sir … don’t you think you’ve stolen enough from the children? Maybe you should let them keep the money this year.

  UNICEF: Never! The children shall toil forever to serve my greed!

  (He tears open a little orange box full of coins and rubs them all over his fat stomach.)

  UNICEF: Yes! Oh, yes!

  SERVANT: Wait! Your majesty! Look at this! Our records indicate that there’s a kid out there—Simon—who’s planning to keep his UNICEF money this year.

  UNICEF: What?! But what about my evil plans? I was going to give that money to the Russians so they could build a bomb!

  SERVANT: (aside) I guess there’s still one hero left in this world.

  UNICEF: No!

  (He runs out of the castle, sobbing.)

  SERVANT: Thank God Simon is keeping his UNICEF money.

  SECOND SERVANT: Yes, it’s good that he’s keeping the money.

  THIRD SERVANT: I agree. Simon is doing a good thing by keeping the money from the UNICEF box.

  SERVANT: Then we’re all in agreement. Simon should keep the money.

  III. HOW COLLEGE KIDS IMAGINE THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT

  The Present Day

  —Did you hear the news, Mr. President? The students at the University of Pittsfield are walking out of their classes, in protest over the war.

  —(spits out coffee) Wha—What did you say?

  —Apparently, students are standing up in the middle of lectures and walking right out of the building.

  —But students love lectures. If they’re willing to give those up, they must really be serious about this peace thing! How did you hear about this protest?

  —The White House hears about every protest, no matter how small.

  —Oh, right, I remember.

  —You haven’t heard the half of it, Mr. President. The leader of the group says that if you don’t stop the war today they’re going to … to … I’m sorry, I can’t say it out loud. It’s just too terrifying.

  —Say it, damn it! I’m the President!

  —All right! If you don’t stop the war … they’re going to stop going to school for the remainder of the week.

  —Send the troops home.

  —But, Mr. President! Shouldn’t we talk about this?

  —Send the troops home.

  The Nineteen-Sixties

  —Mr. President! Did you hear about Woodstock?

  —Woo—Woodstock? What in God’s name is that?

  —Apparently, young people hate the war so much they’re willing to participate in a musical sex festival as a protest against it.

  —Oh, my God. They must really be serious about this whole thing.

  —That’s not all. Some of them are threatening to join communes: places where they make their own clothing … and beat on drums.

  —Stop the war.

  —But, Mr. President!

  —Stop all American wars!

  —(sighs) Very well, sir. I’ll go tell the generals.

  —Wow. It’s a good thing those kids decided to go hear music.

  2007

  SIMON RICH

  HEY, LOOK

  WHAT I imagined the people around me were saying when I was …

  ELEVEN:

  “Oh, man, I can’t believe that kid Simon missed that ground ball! How pathetic!”

  “Wait. He’s staring at his baseball glove with a confused expression on his face. Maybe there’s something wrong with his glove and that’s why he messed up.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably what happened.”

  TWELVE:

  “Did that kid sitting behind us on the bus just get an erection?”

  “I don’t know. For a while, I thought that was the case, but now that he’s holding a book on his lap it’s impossible to tell.”

  “I guess we’ll never know what the situation was.”

  THIRTEEN:

  “Hey, look, that thirteen-year-old is walking around with his mom!”

  “Where?”

  “There—in front of the supermarket!”

  “Oh, my God! That kid is way too old to be hanging out with his mom. Even though I’ve never met him, I can tell he’s a complete loser.”

  “Wait a minute. He’s scowling at her and rolling his eyes.”

  “Oh, yeah … and I think I just heard him curse at her, for no reason.”

  “I guess he’s cool after all.”

  FOURTEEN:

  “Why does that kid have a black X on the back of his right hand?”

  “I bet it’s because he went to some kind of cool rock concert last night.”

  “Wow. He must’ve stayed out pretty late if he didn’t have time to scrub it off.”

  “Yeah, and that’s probably why his hair is so messy and dirty—because he cares more about rocking out than conforming to society.”

  “Even though he isn’t popular in the traditional sense, I respect him from afar.”

  FIFTEEN:

  “Hey, look, that kid is reading Howl, by Allen Ginsberg.”

  “Wow. He must be some kind of rebel genius.”

  “I’m impressed by the fact that he isn’t trying to call attention to himself.”

  “Yeah, he’s just sitting silently in the corner, flipping the pages and nodding, with total comprehension.”

  “It’s amazing. He’s so absorbed in his book that he isn’t even aware that a party is going on around him, with dancing and fun.”

  “Why aren’t any girls going over and talking to him?”

  “I guess they’re probably a little intimidated by his brilliance.”

  “Well, who wouldn’t be?”

  “I’m sure the girls will talk to him soon.”

  “It’s only a matter of time.”

  SIXTEEN:

  “Hey, look, it’s that kid Simon, who wrote that scathing poem for the literary magazine.”

  “You mean the one about how people are phonies? Wow—I loved that poem!”

  “Me, too. Reading it made me realize for the first time that everyone is a phony, including me.”

  “The only person at this school who isn’t a phony is Simon.”

  “Yeah. He sees right through us.”

  2007

  ANIMAL CRACKERS

  IAN FRAZIER

  COYOTE V. ACME

  IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT, SOUTHWESTERN

  DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA

  CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING

  WILE E. COYOTE, PLAINTIFF

  -V.-

  ACME COMPANY, DEFENDANT

  OPENING Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

  Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, “Defendant”), through that company’s mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purch
ase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen’s Compensation.

  Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote’s fore-limbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote’s body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

  Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

  Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

  Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme “Little Giant” Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue, #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote’s prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

  In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote’s careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant’s product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

  1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.

  2. Sooty discoloration.

  3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.

  4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.

  5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

  WE come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff’s Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product’s sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milledsteel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

  To increase the shoes’ thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote’s prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote’s prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

  At this point, Defendant’s product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

  The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

  The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote’s body tissues—a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote’s pursuit of a normal social life.

  As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote’s work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant’s products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

  Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney’s fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million se
ven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

  1990

  BRUCE MCCALL

  WHAT TO DO ABOUT SHARKS

  SHARKS have astonishing sensory gifts but virtually no sense of occasion. Incidents of sharks crashing dinner parties have been reported from as far away as Madagascar and as close as Malibu. If you find a hammerhead or a great white horning in on one of your intimate gatherings, stay cool and collected. Do not wave your arms about or slap at it with a napkin. Keep the conversation going as if everything were normal. Blow out all candles, slowly ease up out of your chair, and go for the light switch, turning it off. Then wait at least fifteen minutes. Sharks thrive on visual stimulation, and they have very short attention spans; the finned interloper will probably get restless and bored, and leave of his own accord.

  Being caught unawares by a shark while you’re setting up a tee shot is not only exasperating; it can also be costly. (Remember the amateur video of a leopard shark gobbling up a Callaway driver that was played over and over last summer on the TV news?) It may be counterintuitive, but if you see or even sense a shark on the tee, heave your golf bag as far as you can and run in counterclockwise circles. This will confuse the shark, whose sensory orientation is clockwise only, and it could help you avoid a nasty nip.

  Sharks are also dyslexic. Knowing this could defuse the situation if you ever find yourself face to face with one of these undersea killing machines in a public library or a Christian Science reading room. The shark will probably start nosing the book, magazine, or newspaper you’re reading with repeated sharp jabs, trying to knock it out of your hands. Resisting will only enrage the beast; let it go. In the same motion, pick up a dictionary—or, better yet, an encyclopedia—and flash some pages directly in front of his eyes. Sharks are almost all instinct and no brain to start with, but when you add in the dyslexia this method will almost surely induce a trance state in the big guy, allowing you to make a safe getaway.