Pulse

by Rhea Wilde

  I looked across the table at Rafael. He stared at me and smiled. I swallowed the mouth full of food, again reminding myself not to say the wrong thing to him.

  “So, are you planning on taking the weekend off?” I asked him.

  “It doesn’t look like it,” he sighed. “The start of the fiscal year is always busy. I can’t afford to take any time off. But you should take the time to yourself.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll work this weekend, too.”

  “I won’t allow that. You need to take a break. I don’t want you to burn yourself out in just your first month.”

  “I suppose you’re right. Maybe I’ll call my friend and we can go out. We can go to a club and—”

  I stopped myself, suddenly remembering the time I first met the man sitting across from me. Rafael looked at me with no expression upon his face. His eyes turned down toward the table as he picked at a piece of sushi with his chopsticks.

  “Rafael, can I ask you something?”

  “Alice, what did I say about asking me questions?”

  “I know. It’s just… I don’t want to upset you.”

  “You won’t upset me. I promise you that.”

  “Right,” I said, pausing for a moment. “I wanted to ask you if there was… someone? You know, someone you spent your free time with? It’s not just you, is it?”

  Rafael didn’t say anything. He shoved a piece of sushi into his mouth. While he chewed on it, he looked down at the table in a way that made me wonder if he understood what I meant.

  “What do you do?” I asked him. “You don’t just work all day—”

  “Alice, you know the answer to that. You knew it from the time I first met you. I take time to myself, sure. I need to let off some steam and relax. The pressure gets to me.”

  “So, that’s what you do? You go out to clubs and pretend you’re just some ordinary guy looking for hook-ups?”

  Ever since I’d asked him the question, he hadn’t looked at me. He began to laugh while he chewed on his food. He swallowed it then finally stared back at me.

  “I’m barely thirty, Alice. I’ve only been in charge for a few years but it feels like so much longer than that. I’m not stupid. I know my limitations. I have the same wants and desires as any other man. So, I go out and take care of them. That’s all that is.”

  “…What about me, Rafael? Was I any different?”

  “I might ask you the same thing, Alice.”

  Rafael placed his chopsticks down on his plate. He propped his elbows up on the table and interlocked his fingers together as he stared back at me. He looked into my eyes. I saw something in him. He sighed then softly shook his head.

  “I knew that there was no avoiding it,” he said. “I told myself. I told you. I said it over and over again in my head. What happened between us was just… a fling. You didn’t need to know who I was and I didn’t need to know who you were. It was perfect.”

  “What about the limo?”

  He didn’t say anything. He just looked back at me as if he was trying to get me to break. But since it was already out on the table, I figured that we might as well get it over with.

  “All right,” he said. “I saw some beautiful girl at the club and figured that I would have some fun with her. But when I read your interview with Estelle… I never imagined that someone as beautiful, as hard-working, as intelligent as you… would be the same person.”

  “Then what’s the—”

  “Alice, you don’t know me. Just let it go. Spending a week together in an office isn’t enough for you to fall in love with someone.”

  “I didn’t say anything about falling in love. But if there’s something between us—”

  “Alice. I—”

  “Why? Tell me why? There’s something here. Why can’t you give it a chance to see if it’s something more?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Rafael, this company isn’t going to fall apart anytime soon. If you’re worried about—”

  “I’m not concerned about myself. This is about you.”

  “Me?”

  “You worked too hard to get to this point, Alice. You didn’t go to school just so I could buy you outfits and pretty dresses so men like me could gawk at you. It was wrong of me to do that to you. You deserve better than that. You deserve to be treated with the respect of someone who’s smart enough to be on the board. That’s why I hired you.”

  He didn’t say anything else. As I paused to consider what he just said to me, he picked his chopsticks back up and started picking at the food as if to distract himself.

  “I don’t want to use you, Alice. I’m not some billionaire who can’t control himself. I don’t have any wicked fantasies. I just want what’s best for you and this company. If people find out that I’m sleeping with one of the board members, they won’t look at me the same way. More importantly, they’ll think even less of you. That’s not what you want… Is it?”

  “…No… No, it isn’t.”

  “You made it here on your own merits, not because of what you look like. If people suspect that there’s anything between us, they won’t be able to separate the two. I have too much respect for you to allow even the slightest suspicion.”

  I looked back at him as he nonchalantly returned to his dinner. I felt so conflicted. He acknowledged what I was already thinking. There was something there. But he didn’t want to give me what I wanted because he respected me. I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful for his respect or upset that he didn’t want to give this, whatever it was between us, a chance.

  I watched Rafael eat his food. His eyes remained on the table. I stared at him, realizing that my feelings for him hadn’t changed. He must have noticed how hard I was staring at him. He shifted his eyes up at me and finally looked back at me.

  “…Okay,” I nodded. “I understand.”

  I smiled softly at him. When I did, he let out a soft chuckle and continued to shove more food into his mouth.

  “Go out this weekend,” he said. “Have some fun. I’m sure you’ll have something ready for me by Monday.”

  “Yeah. Of course. I’ll have it on your desk by then.”

  It was clear he didn’t want to talk about it any longer. It didn’t make complete sense to me. He told me he was denying the both of us out of respect for me. I had never heard of a man say that before. Not to me or to any woman I knew. Once again, he had given me proof that he was unlike any other man I’d ever met. His attempt to discourage me only did the opposite. I found myself wanting him even more.

  “I’m not going to eat all of this food by myself,” he said. “And I know you’re still hungry. Alice, please…”

  I nodded then joined him. The mood lightened and we switched our discussion back to the variety of food in front of us. I wanted something more from him but he wouldn’t give it to me. Not tonight. Instead, I took the time to enjoy my Friday night with him. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that this would eventually lead to something more.

  Chapter 18

  “Well, it’s nice to finally see you again. How long has it been?”

  “You know I’ve been busy.”

  “But you’re just an intern. You couldn’t have been that busy, could you?”

  I sighed at my friend. I’d already explained to Danica twice before about the company I was working for and the position I was in. When I explained to her how much money the company was worth, I still wasn’t able to get through to her.

  “I’m just saying, Alice. If it’s such a big company, why are you working so hard? Aren’t there other people to pick up the slack?”

  I began to laugh at my friend. I’d heard that speech all too well. I was just asking Rafael the same question a night ago and here I was trying to explain to her how important it was.

  “All right, let me explain this to you,” I began. “I’m sitting in with the board of directors. If things go well, I’ll be one of the people making the important decisions for this company. We�
��re talking entry-level six-figure salaries and—”

  “Money? Alice, you never cared about the money before.”

  “I don’t. I’m just trying to tell you how big of a deal this is. I mean, I could pay off my student loans in less than a year’s work. If I can keep this up, I’ll be moving into somewhere much nicer than my apartment.”

  “And then maybe you can buy me a new place, too.”

  “Sure.”

  “Great. That’s all you had to say, Alice.”

  Danica and I giggled at one another. Even though I enjoyed working overtime just because of the opportunity it gave me to see Rafael, it was nice to finally enjoy the weekend and not worry about analyzing numbers and information for once. I sat there in the restaurant with my friend while we had lunch together. It had been several weeks since I’d seen her.

  “Well, it’s good to see you back in the real world, Alice. For a second, I thought I’d lost you there.”

  “Real world? So, what is me getting a job and finally making a living? The fake world?”

  “No… But you’re twenty-two, Alice. You’re still young and in your prime. You know what you need to do?”

  “Don’t tell me—”

  “You and I are going out tonight. We’re going to have some fun. When’s the last time you… you know?”

  In a limo. I went down on my boss.

  I didn’t tell Danica about Rafael. I spent most of the time trying to explain to her how important my job was. Now that she was pressuring me to go out on our usual weekend adventures, I suddenly realized that I no longer had the urge to try and get laid like I usually did. How was I going to explain this to her?

  “I don’t know,” I hesitated. “Maybe we should just relax tonight. I’ve been working pretty hard and I don’t know if I can handle a night out.”

  “What? Alice, I’ve never heard you say that before. Usually when you finish up with a big exam or assignment, you can’t wait to get out there and find some guy to hook-up with. What happened?”

  “Nothing happened. I’m just tired, that’s all.”

  “Tired? Alice, that’s something you say to a guy when you’re not into him. You don’t say it to me right before we go out. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Danica…”

  She stared at me. I looked down at the table, unable to stare back at her. It was the way she stared at me that made me so uncomfortable. That stupid little grin on her face like she was trying to get something out of me.

  “You have every reason to want to go out tonight and… Wait a second. Did you meet someone? There’s a guy, isn’t there?”

  “Danica…”

  “Don’t lie to me, Alice! You know you can’t keep secrets from me.”

  “All right! Keep your voice down.”

  “Spill the details, Alice.”

  She leaned in closer to me from across the table. There was an unmistakable enthusiasm in her eyes that made me start to blush and giggle.

  “There’s… there’s a guy,” I shrugged. “That’s it.”

  “That’s it? What’s his name? Tell me about him. Did you already mess around with him?”

  “I’m not telling you his name. I don’t know if it’s going anywhere. But yes, we did…”

  “Alice, you’re such a slut!”

  I rolled my eyes at my friend as she started to snicker at me. She continued to stare at me with curiosity. She was waiting for me to continue but there wasn’t much else to say.

  “So, is this going somewhere?” she asked me. “I mean, you’re not in school any longer. You might actually have time for a boyfriend.”

  “Work is a lot more demanding than school ever was, so that’s not an excuse. But I don’t think this is really going anywhere…”

  “Good. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. You’re too young for commitment anyway.”

  “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I don’t think it’s going anywhere… at all.”

  “Oh… Then I guess you should move on. When’s the last time you were tied-down in a relationship? What was his name? Jacob?”

  “Don’t remind me…”

  “Sorry. But this isn’t a big deal… Is it?”

  Danica looked at me. She could easily tell from my silence what I was already thinking.

  “You’re not in love with this guy, are you?” she asked.

  “No. No, it’s nothing like that. You know I don’t fall for guys so easily.”

  “So, it’s the sex then.”

  “…Danica, you have no idea. He’s so good-looking. But it’s not just that. He’s charming. He’s funny. He’s charismatic. He’s intelligent.”

  “Alice, are you sure you’re not in love with this guy?”

  “No, I know it’s not that.”

  “So you’re telling me you’re falling for a guy because… what? How big is his dick?”

  “It’s more than enough. He’s…”

  “Yeah?”

  “He’s the best lay I ever had. But he doesn’t want to do it any longer.”

  “Is he not interested?”

  “No.”

  “I still don’t understand what’s going on, Alice. None of this makes any sense.”

  I let out a frustrated sigh. I couldn’t spill all of the details out of respect for Rafael. He had a reputation to uphold. When I did have sex with him, he wasn’t the billionaire CEO of the biggest company in the city. He was just some hot guy I was never expecting to see again. And now that I knew more about him, I found myself more attracted to him than to anybody else I’d ever been to in my life. But it wasn’t just for me. I cared for Rafael’s own sake. He was holding back because of me. He treated me like some hook-up because that’s all I was. Now that I was his employee, he had to deny himself.

  I ran my hand through my hair and looked around the restaurant as if searching for an answer. It was wrong for me to be thinking this way but I couldn’t get Rafael out of my mind. Everything about him just made me want him even more.

  “You don’t want to mess around with some random guy in the club tonight,” Danica said to me. “You want this guy. Whoever the hell he is. He must be some guy.”

  “He is.”

  “But you don’t want anything more.”

  “No. Not yet. I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m not thinking that far ahead.”

  “Alice, you know what to do. You’ve been doing it your whole life. It’s who you are.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You need to make this guy want you.”

  “How am I supposed to do that?”

  “Just try a little harder. Tell him what you want. Wear a sexy little outfit or something. Give him an offer you can’t refuse.”

  “Danica, that’s—”

  I began laughing at my friend’s advice. It all sounded so ridiculous. But it was a better idea than anything I could come up with.

  “What do you really want, Alice?”

  “I… I want him.”

  “Then tell him.”

  Danica’s suggestion began making more sense than it did initially. There was no point in trying to fight it any longer. If I wanted Rafael to see things my way, I was going to have to show it to him exactly.

  “Alice?”

  “What?”

  “You’re okay, right? I mean, it is your day off. You should be relaxing and enjoying yourself. You shouldn’t be stressing over anything. Especially a man.”

  “Yeah… Yeah, you’re right.”

  “Of course, I’m right. I’m always right.”

  I let out a sigh of relief then began to laugh along with my friend. I did my best to forget about everything that was on my mind and finally enjoy my time off. Now, I at least had an idea in my head on exactly what to do next.

  Chapter 19

  Rafael didn’t look any different than he usually did during Monday morning’s board meeting. After spending a week with him, my opinion of him had changed for the better. I didn’t know wha
t he thought about me though. I could only hope that he was thinking the same way I was.

  I spoke to his secretary later that day. I asked her to schedule a meeting with him. Of course, his schedule was completely full. Even though I had an excuse to see him, there was still trouble fitting me in. The only time he had available was after my normal shift. He thankfully approved to see me. If I were going to pull this off, I had to do it sooner than later. I couldn’t take it any longer.

  I sat there at my desk and did my best to focus on my work. My eyes would linger over toward my clock. The seconds couldn’t pass by fast enough. I was doing everything I could to fight the anxiety building up inside of me. It felt like an eternity before my shift finally ended. The offices emptied and the lights were shut off. Up in his office, I knew Rafael was sitting there and waiting.

  All right, Alice. I hope you know what you’re doing…

  I stepped inside of the bathroom to change and get ready. I’d stuffed the outfit into my bag and tucked it under my desk until the time was right. After getting changed, I threw my coat over it to conceal everything then took the elevator up toward his office. I tapped my heel against the ground in nervous anticipation. I could feel the sweat on my palm beginning to soak through the manila folder I was holding.

  When I stepped into his office, Rafael was hard at work as usual. The sound of Japanese coming from the sound system continued while he scribbled away at something on his desk. My heels clicked against the marble ground. Through the windows, the sun had set and the buildings began to light-up to signal the coming of night. I stood there in front of his desk for a few seconds before he finally turned his head up to look at me.

  “Hello, Alice,” he said. “Tina said that you needed to see me. What’s this about?”

  “I have the report for you, sir. I was hoping that you could look at it before I presented it to the board. Maybe you could advise me on some things to change or what else to look for. Your insight could help me a lot.”

  I placed the folder on his desk in front of him. He picked it up and opened it.

  “All right,” he said as he began sorting through the papers. “I’m glad you have something for me. This might take me awhile so you’re free to leave. You’re already prepared to leave, it looks like.”