River's Return (River's End Series, #3)

by Davis, Leanne

  “The doctor called…” Her voice cracked.

  “And? What? The baby? What is it?” Shane voiced so much care and love and support. She met his gaze and took in a slow breath.

  “The screening tests we had done? The ones that should have been routine? They came back with some unclear results. My doctor said we should have further diagnostic testing done to know for sure. We can do an amniocentesis to get better results. But there’s the possibility of a slightly elevated chance of miscarriage. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening! But I knew it. I knew all along in my gut, this would happen. I knew—”

  “Allison!” Shane’s voice was deep and commanding. It cut through her as she rocked herself while staring at her hands in her lap. Tears clogged her throat and she had to lift her face to stare at him. She was so stunned by his tone and command. It was not like him.

  “First of all, remember when they said there were often false positives on this? Second, if our baby is mentally or physically disabled, what do you plan to do? At this point, what could we do?”

  “Not have it,” she answered meekly.

  He shook his head. “No. I don’t believe you.”

  “I don’t want a special needs kid. You have no idea how much work they are. They require daily care. That’s constant. It’s life-changing. Life-shortening. I’ve seen it in the special education classes. And that’s just for six hours. A lifetime? I mean—”

  “Way I figure it, from the moment we became parents, our lives were changed and altered. No matter what. Whether it’s a healthy child, or one with special needs, I figure our lives change no matter what. We parent this baby, this is the child we get, Allison. You don’t get to choose. Just like you don’t get to choose what eye color or occupation or sex they are. You just… love them, and take care of them. No matter what. So we can find out, we can be prepared, but it’s still my baby, no matter what. Nothing could make me love you, or him, or her any less.”

  His faith and the commanding tone of his voice and surety had her instantly in his arms. She clung to him. “Why does all this keep happening to me?”

  “Nothing’s happened yet. And if it does? We’ll figure it out together. But we will be okay. No matter what. Agreed?”

  She nodded against his chest. She didn’t know how much more her nerves could take. The sickening dread in her stomach eased slightly with his words. Shane was acting with total conviction and belief. He took her breath away. He didn’t even seem fazed by it. How many new dads possessed that kind of certainty in the face of such a stunning and shocking development?

  “Shane?” she whispered later. So much later, she felt depleted of the energy to move.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “I love you.”

  He leaned back so he could look down into her eyes. “I love you too.”

  “I’m sorry this is so hard.”

  “I’m not sorry, Allison. For anything. Okay?”

  An unbelievable smile brightened her face. “Okay.”

  “This is months, Allison. Not years.”

  It was a lifetime. But she clamped her head down on the countdown. She tried to stay in the here and now, and braced her heart for the disappointment. She did not bond with this baby. Not like she did with Gabrielle. She tried to convince herself it would not hurt if something went wrong.

  ****

  When it was time for an ultrasound to check the baby, Allison tolerated the experience by shutting her eyes and willing her brain to be anywhere, but there. Shane held her hand and watched the screen as he talked to the technician. Allison never talked or tried to make pleasantries. She was sure the staff probably all thought she was a cold, awful mother. But she couldn’t help it. She could not look at the baby inside her. When asked if she wanted to know the sex, she frantically responded, “No. No. NO!”

  Shane patted her arm as he informed the room in a soft voice; she was superstitious and insisted that it be a surprise.

  Allison started to gain weight, and her boobs exploded a size as her stomach began to form a bubble around the middle. Her body wasn’t the kind that doesn’t look pregnant until she was nine months. Oh, no. In both of Allison’s pregnancies, she started expanding everywhere in no time at all. She endured bouts of bloating and swelling after the morning sickness. She also had gas and needed to pee all the time. There was nothing subtle about her pregnancies, it seemed. She continued trying to ignore it, but it was becoming increasingly difficult since her entire body was overtaken by its presence.

  Strangers commented and congratulated her. She gritted her teeth and tolerated the happy wishes. The rest? The people who knew never asked. Erin didn’t dare to pat her stomach, or ask how she was feeling, no matter how sick she was or acted. Erin kept her tongue silent. And Allison could’ve kissed her for that small blessing. Allison couldn’t be casual about it.

  True to his word, Shane was there for her. Every. Single. Day.

  She called him, crying and panicking, unable to “go on another second” about twice a week. Shane left his shop without closing the door and came straight home to hold and comfort her. He was incredibly patient and kind. When a school aide commented about her pregnancy, Allison called Shane from school. She couldn’t go back into class, so he came and got her. He made sure there was a substitute to cover for her before he took her home.

  Allison called Shane a lot. Ridiculously often, but he always took her calls. She seemed to be scared, vulnerable, and unsure every second of every day. All the nerve endings in her body were continually on high alert, which made her exhausted at all times. Still Shane came each and every time unfailingly. He took all of her calls and consoled her about the pregnancy, or anything else but the pregnancy, if that’s what she preferred.

  She was a raging bitch at times. The anxiety grew so thick, it lodged in her throat and made her moods plummet. Especially when the baby started to become more visible. Naturally, more comments followed. The usual inquiries and niceties and pleasantries: how wonderful it was. The closer it got to the deadline, the more scared Allison became. When she began acting worse than ever, Shane’s only response was to grow more solid for her. He didn’t exaggerate when he promised her he could do this. He practically carried her through it at times. And she sobbed in his arms, riddled with guilt and very regretful for the way she treated him.

  Their first year wasn’t exactly like most newlyweds. But Shane never seemed to care and didn’t criticize her or get mad.

  It was the longest nine months of her life, but being with Shane made everything better. It might not have been fun, but it did manage to solidify his promise that he was in it with her and for her. He even seemed to look forward to holding her up when necessary. He also knew how to keep her up in a way she never could have pictured or asked for.

  All Allison could do was fall in love with him daily, and deeply. Like, to the deepest point in the ocean and back up; that kind of deep. He was there for the long term. In some ways, he was as regular and solid as no one should have had to be for another. But he was, and seemed to like it.

  At any rate, she survived the long days and even longer, torturous nights.

  ****

  Shane found it tough to watch how hard the pregnancy was on Allison. Having this baby consumed all of Allison’s mental and emotional wherewithal. The woman he first met, the strong, cool, sophisticated, capable female he remembered had turned into an emotional, fragile wreck. She was deathly afraid of every twitch and bump in her stomach. She worried about every movement she made, or didn’t make. She doubted herself incessantly and didn’t know the correct way to do things at almost every moment. It killed him. He wanted to take her burden from her. He tried to carry as much of it as he could; but that wasn’t enough. But no matter what, Shane relied on the faith that it would turn out right for her. Somehow. It would all turn out the best way it could.

  Yeah, sure, of course, he was nervous that the baby might somehow be different than what he imagined.
But in the end, after days of thinking about it and picturing his son or daughter while he worked, Shane concluded it just didn’t matter. In the end, no further testing was done, and they decided to just let the baby continue to grow. Allison kept an almost hourly account of its movements. Where once she ignored and tried to pretend the baby was not growing inside her, now she kept a running journal of its movements. Shane let her do whatever she felt like, and held her a lot.

  They didn’t do the usual activities that first-time parents might engage in. No buying clothes, blankets or toys. No painting a nursery. Not a crib or stroller in sight. Nor would there be. Shane knew that.

  Wisely, Shane asked Erin and Jack to store all the baby’s things for him. They helped Shane shop and find the newborn necessities, which they stowed in one of the outbuildings at the ranch.

  They were ready to start building their house, a small rambler with a daylight basement. It was early spring. A huge deck would be overlooking the same view they had on their wedding day. That magnificent panorama would become the backdrop of their lives.

  They never discussed boys’ or girls’ names. Shane had no clue as to what Allison preferred in a name. Weird? New? Popular? Unique? Traditional? He really had no idea. Not even for his own taste. He supposed he’d just fall in line and do like the Rydells. Old school, often-heard-of-before names. But maybe Allison wanted to make up her own names. Shane doubted he could say no, certainly not if it made her happy.

  On April twenty-first, Allison called Shane in a panic, claiming she felt something. He raced home and they were at the hospital in only a half hour. Allison was pale and silent. There were no more tears. Now, there was only a dreadful silence of fear. It already seemed as if death had taken over.

  Allison was admitted, and given a room and a gown. Shane helped her change and tried to make her comfortable. She wasn’t. She kept having terrible pains. Contractions, he was sure. She even refused to say what they were. Squeezing his hand, Shane watched her lips turn nearly blue as she pressed them so tightly together. But not a peep did she release. It was as if she were using her will power to prevent it from happening.

  Shane knew, as perhaps no one else could comprehend, she was reliving the birth/death of her daughter. There was no way she could get through it unscathed. And no denying the emotional crippling pain and comparison she was, no doubt, drawing.

  This time, however, there was no silence around her. Nurses constantly came in and out to check her, as did the doctor. And Shane was right there too. He talked to her and rubbed her hair back. He didn’t expect anything from her, and let her cry silent tears. Her eyes were drowning in unspoken pain and that ripped his heart out.

  But there were no flowers on her doorknob this time. People were talking in normal voices, chatting away, teasing, and carrying on as if this were routine, a totally normal occasion.

  His family got there only half an hour after she consented to telling them. They gave Shane a much needed boost and a few rounds of “Atta boy!” Shane was already exhausted and it was still hours from happening. Or so he was told.

  “You can’t imagine what this is like for her.”

  Jack put his hand on his shoulder. “I’ve seen how you handle her. You calm her. She takes strength from you. You are her entire world, Shane. Her rock. I never… fuck, that’s insulting. I was blind and didn’t see your capabilities; she did and does. Just stay like that.”

  He was choked up by the experience, and now this? Jack, who so rarely said what he felt or noticed? Shane nodded. Jack’s confidence in him reinforced his own. “Thanks, Jack.”

  He went back in as the contractions kicked in for real, coming faster and harder. The doctor came in and the staff assumed their customary positions. That was when the shit got real for Shane. He held Allison, staying right by her side. Touching her face and shoulders, he wanted to climb onto the bed and be her.

  She sweated, and trembled, and strained. She cried. Her muffled cries should have been screams.

  She was again strong, calm, and present. She wasn’t trapped in her memories. She was doing this here and now. Sweat streamed down her face and her hairline was soaked. Her usually pale skin was red from her neck up into her forehead. She was glorious. Shane’s heart might have broken, he was so full of pride and love for her and how she faced up to this.

  ****

  She cried out finally when the pain became too much. She could no longer hold her anguish behind her clenched teeth. Her stomach and lower half were burning up. Last time, having been so doped up on narcotics, she didn’t experience much actual pain. Nothing like this time. Nothing. She’d taken nothing for it and didn’t intend to. She was determined to do it all on her own. If something was wrong with the baby, it wasn’t going to be because of anything she’d done. There could not even be the slightest chance that it was her doing.

  Shane was near her. He avoided chanting annoying platitudes, and held her hand. She often caught and held his gaze, silently pleading for all of this to be over. She sensed he would have totally shouldered her pain if only he could. She felt him more than she needed him to say anything. He often brushed her hair back, or leaned down and set his lips just above her ear and whispered endearments. His lips were touching her sweat-slicked hair, and yet, he kept looking at her the same way as when she was dressed her best for their wedding.

  “Okay, Allison, it’s time. We’re going to have you push down hard. Okay?”

  Time. Her eyes searched out Shane’s in panic. He leaned half onto the bed and took her hand in both of his. His eyes held hers and he nodded while staring hard at her. It was like the whole room: the chaos, the nurse, the doctor, the florescent lights, the pain, and the fear of all of it faded into white noise in the background. He found her gaze and held it, finally nodding up and down in slow motion. She did the same back finally. He smiled at her, a long, slow grin that lit up his eyes with the gentlest, yet most passionate care. “You can do this, baby. I’m right here. No matter what.”

  “What if—” She licked her dry, cracked lips. “What if it doesn’t cry?”

  He drilled her with his fierce gaze as if by willing it, he could make it so. “What if it does?” he finally countered.

  She nodded up and down as he had a minute ago. “Okay.”

  He kissed her forehead and whispered, “Okay.”

  Now or never. She knew it. This would determine the course of the rest of her life. She felt stressed as the magnitude of the moment hit her deep in her gut. She closed her eyes, and leaned into it. As the next contraction began, she pushed, bearing down only when the doctor said to in a calm voice that didn’t match the momentous drama.

  But Allison did it.

  And… There was crying this time.

  She felt the baby slipping out. She felt it all. But the only thing that registered in her mind was the sound of her baby crying. Plenty of smiles and loud murmurs of the people who were still talking sounded in the background. Allison would never know what was said. She just knew, despite her daze, her baby was crying.

  Her baby was alive!

  She fell back on the bed, spent in such a way she could not bear to move. She stared up at the ceiling and realized then that nothing else ever mattered to her.

  Chapter Twenty

  ALLISON WAS LOST TO Shane for a moment. He stayed back, and let her collect herself. She stared up at the ceiling and then closed her eyes, shutting them in a tight squint. He was pretty sure she was listening to their baby cry. She was experiencing a live birth. And, no doubt, remembering her first baby. The silence. The agony. The loss. Now, however, she was taking in the life, the noise, and the new start. The beginning.

  Opening her eyes, she turned her head, frantically searching for Shane. He stepped right next to her. He’d been sitting down after witnessing more than he ever dreamed he’d willingly watch or experience. It was actually quite fascinating and strangely beautiful in all its natural glory. He wouldn’t have guessed he’d be a guy who would even
care, let alone, be staring in wonder and awe at what his wife just did. And seeing what her body could do, and managed to create. Tears rolled down his face. Maybe he was crying for her. Or because he now knew what childbirth meant. His newfound awareness for how wrong it could go gave him an appreciation that he’d have never had otherwise.

  After witnessing the red, screaming bundle of baby that turned out to be his daughter, Shane noticed how small she was, and covered in goo and blood, which he normally would have found disgusting. But on his daughter? Life. It meant life.

  The baby was being cared for by the doctor and then the nurse. Shane followed them until he saw Allison looking around, somewhat in a daze, for him. He stepped towards her and took her hand while leaning over the bed. He rubbed her forehead as his tears mixed with her tears.

  “She’s fine. She’s perfect. There’s nothing wrong with her, Allison. Nothing.”

  Her eyes dimmed for a second when Shane said her. A small, trembling smile appeared on her lips. “A girl?”

  “Yes, you have another daughter,” he replied gently. He said that out of respect for the comparison he knew her head was already making. She nodded before a more natural smile brightened her face. “Can I see her?”

  The nurses were still fiddling with the baby, but he nodded and went over to them and said quietly that the mother needed to see her baby now. The staff were all aware of Allison’s history. They understood the unusual fragility of the situation and this mother. A nurse handed Shane his daughter. She was quiet, all wrapped up with her eyes closed. A little, pink hat covered her head and her bow-shaped mouth kept moving. He stared at the smallest bundle he ever carried. She was soft, light, and warm, fitting easily into his hands, and looking impossibly small. He lost his heart with one hold and one look; he was gone forever.

  He carried her over to Allison. The doctor was still down south, doing the stuff she needed to finish up. Shane didn’t look there now, he was too intent on introducing his family. His two girls. His whole life.