“Spare me the details on that please babe.” He cut in.
I gave him a sheepish grin, I kind of knew he wouldn’t want to know those details, but it was good to know it for certain.
“Okay, moving on, it happened. We just stopped talking after that, all together. Maybe that was all he wanted and he was done with me, or maybe we just realised it was weird, I don’t know, but I never spoke to him again. We wouldn’t even look at each other afterwards either. I was gutted. I supposed it was partly my fault because I didn’t make the effort to speak to him either, but I was scared! I was scared that he’d say I was mistake or something. I spent most nights crying myself to sleep and it was the only time in my life that I’d really doubted myself. At a time life that, a girl needs her mum ya know? So I told her. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I was hoping, praying even, that she might finally step up and be a mum, tell me that no boy was worth my tears, that someone better would come along, that I was worth more than that and boys were stupid. I don’t know, tell me anything that would make me feel better.”
I took a deep breath, trying to prevent my tears from falling. I never knew how hard it would be to tell him all about it. His body had grown tight, so I knew he was bracing for the rest.
“So I take a moment when she’s on her own, she’s sitting in the lounge watching TV and I just blurt it out. Just told her all about Mitch and what had happened. I’d never really spoken to her about, well, about anything to do with my life before. She stared at me, looking blank, nothing, totally emotionless. Then she stood up, walked up the stairs and went to her room. I didn’t understand that reaction at all but it upset me even more. Less than ten minutes later, my dad stormed through the door, looking so angry, he actually scared me. I thought he was going to hit me, beat me, I don’t know, but I knew it would be bad. He was practically vibrating with rage. My mum came strolling down the stairs looking timid and docile as ever, pretending like she hadn’t phoned him and told him before discussing it with me. I hated her in that instant.”
Shit, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry!
“So he starts ranting at me, screaming about how I’m a whore, a slut, how he always knew I was a bad seed, how I was going to bring shame to the family name. Like I’d done something really terrible because I’d lost my virginity? It was crazy, like he wasn’t even speaking directly to me, just ranting out loud. I was a sobbing mess, tears, snot, all of it. I wasn’t a whore, or a slut! I was a good girl, I just made one mistake, everyone makes mistakes, but it was my mistake and it was my life. I can remember looking at the door, wondering if I could just run, and never go back, wondering if I could actually do it. I wish I had. My dad grabbed me by my arm, hard enough to leave bruises and he dragged me up the stairs to my room. I screamed out that he was hurting me, but he either was too caught up in his own ranting to notice, or he just didn’t care, frankly, I assume the latter. He just threw me inside, and shut the door. There was no way I was going back out there, I’d never seen him like that before.”
I paused for a second, thinking about that time.
“So what happened next?” He prompted.
“I must have fallen asleep or passed out or something because next thing, my dad picked me up, and not gently either and told me that he had made an appointment with the doctor for me to go and get myself checked out and make sure I wasn’t pregnant. It was ridiculous. I went crazy, I refused point blank, it wasn’t happening. I just wouldn’t do it. I didn’t want some strange doctor prodding me with tools, and I knew we had been safe so there was no chance of either. He slapped me. Straight across my face. He looked like he hated me, I think he actually did. Then he shoved me towards my bed but I bounced at a funny angle and hit the floor. I don’t think he meant to hurt me because he’d never been physical with me before he slapped me but he was just so out of control. He just sneered at me and stormed back out, slamming the door so hard that the fucking windows rattled. I couldn’t even breathe I was crying so hard. I crawled back into bed, not knowing what I could do. I woke up in the morning and I already knew I needed to leave. How could I stay in a house with those people? The whole thing was so utterly crazy...”
“Wait, so he wasn’t beating you all the time? He just hit you that once?” He interrupted.
Mason
I automatically winced at my tone, I knew I sounded almost flippant about what she was saying, but I couldn’t help feeling a bit like she may have been overreacting...slightly.
I mean, yeah he shouldn’t have lost control but I felt like I just needed to shrug and tell her it’s all in the past, but I knew, from how she was looking at me, that really wouldn’t have gone over well.
“No Mase, he didn’t beat me all the time, but don’t you think once is enough? You let them get away with it once and they know they can do it again.”
Shit, I didn’t want to argue with her about it, it was her body, but I had a brain to mouth malfunction again, and fucked up everything I’d worked for.
“You’re over thinking this, yes it was ridiculous and no I don’t really understand his reaction. But people have it a lot worse than you had Harper. Even I did.”
Oh shit!
Her demeanour changed before my eyes, she went from looking heartbroken, stricken even, to looking like she had no idea who the fuck I was. Her tears dried up instantly and the air surrounding up chilled.
Yep...oh shit! Way to go, dickhead.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” She screeched. “I’m over thinking this? You had it worse than me? I know you had it worse than I did, but it was still bad. How could you dismiss that like it’s nothing?”
She didn’t look angry anymore, just bemused, and a little hurt.
“You know what Mase? I don’t even know who you are anymore. The Mason I know would never have said something like that. Do you realise how heartless and blasé you sound? Maybe it’s a good thing that I found out now, because you seem to think that just because you had a bad childhood, that no one else’s can compare. It might have been awful for you, and I’m sorry you went through that, but maybe you’re just a stronger person than I am. Well bravo Mason. Well done for that.”
I opened my mouth to, well, I don’t know, apologise? Ask her to help me understand? I couldn’t tell you, wouldn’t matter anyway because she stood, brushed her hands along her thighs and spoke again.
“I actually don’t want to talk to you anymore Mase. I’m flummoxed. I let you in, explain to you exactly why I am how I am, tell you the secret that not even my lifelong best friends know, and you throw it away like it’s nothing. You made me feel safe, like I was okay to share with you. Don’t worry pretty boy, I’ll never make the same mistake again.”
And with her parting words hitting me like a ton of bricks, she left.
Well done Mason...well fucking done. Shithead
Chapter Fourteen
Harper
The texts woke me up the next morning. Great start to the day.
Tay: What’s going on? Where did Mase go?
Jax: Harp, can you phone me when ur up? Need to speak to you about Mase.
Ruben: I’m on my way, get up.
The last message was sent ten minutes before, so I knew Ruben would be there any minute. I jumped out of bed but didn’t make it any further than the bathroom when I heard a banging at the front door. I looked down at myself and decided that I didn’t give a shit if I had hardly any clothes on. If Ruben was gonna come and give me shit, then he could uncomfortable at the same time.
I opened the door and stumbled back a couple of steps when Ruben barged straight through.
“Come on in why don’t you.” I muttered, sarcastically.
“Don’t give me any shit Harper. What’d you say to him?”
“Who?”
I was stalling. I knew who.
“Mason! What did you say to him?”
“That’s nothing to do with you!”
“It fucking is! He’s missing!”
Well the stopped me. Missing? What the hell?
“What do you mean he’s missing?”
He rolled his eyes at me and I watched as his hands curled into fists at his side. It wasn’t threatening, he wasn’t going to hit me, he was trying to control himself.
And if the colour creeping up his cheeks was anything to judge by, he was failing at that.
“Exactly what I said! No one has seen him since he came here yesterday. He phoned me last night and said he had some business to take care of in Birmingham and that’s it! Nothing! No word from him since, to anyone.”
I had a really really bad feeling about why he’d gone there. I was praying with everything I had that I was wrong though.
I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant.
“So he had business there, he’s probably busy. I don’t see what the big deal is.”
Wrong thing to say. I knew it immediately.
“You don’t see what the big deal is?!” He hissed.
“God! You...he...I don’t even know what the hell he sees in you! You’ve got him wrapped around your little finger and you love every damn second of it. You’d be lost if you didn’t have him following you around like a little lap-dog. Honestly, he could do better. He has done better in the past. I actually want to know, what is it? Did you drug him? Are you a fucking witch? Putting spells on him? I have no idea, but whatever the hell it is, it’s up to you to stop it. You need to fix this. It’s your fault to begin with and it’s you who’s gonna find out what the fuck is going on and why.”
There was a lot to pissed about right there.
First off, who the fuck did he think he was to put me down? He’s nothing special. Well okay, he actually is something special, but I was angry so I didn’t care about that. Secondly, he must have been pretty damn angry too seeing as he was swearing at me.
Ruben didn’t need to swear to get his point across, he usually just used his brain and put you down with facts. Then I realised, it wasn’t anger, or not totally anyway. No, this was pure fear.
I wasn’t so angry after that. He was scared for his brother. They have this weird connection, more than blood, more than loyalty, and he clearly didn’t know how to react when his brother went off without any explanation, other than business.
“Ruben, he’ll be fine...” I started, trying to reassure him.
Fuck, I literally just couldn’t say the right thing in his eyes.
“Why are you so delusional? This isn’t about me needing to know he’s okay. You don’t know that for sure anyway, because you’re not with him. But no, this is about the fact that I know, I know that whatever he’s gone to do, you pushed him to it. If he does something that is going to get him in trouble, or something he’s going to end up regretting, then I swear on all that’s holy, I’ll never forgive you.”
He wasn’t finished.
“You’ve got secrets, you’ve got issues, we can all see it. Except that people are so damn worried about hurting your stupid feelings that no one says anything. Well you don’t deserve that protection now, so I’m done with abiding by it. My thinking is that he pushed you. I think he pushed you and he scared you. You don’t like to feel scared, you’re a control freak and I think you lashed out. Not with violence, no, with words. I think whatever you said to him has made him flip. I think you’ve said or done something that you wish you hadn’t done, and he wishes he hadn’t have known. Am I close?”
I don’t think he took a breath throughout his entire speech, but I was frozen. I didn’t want to answer him. Apparently, he didn’t need a verbal response anyway.
“Exactly, I’d say I’m pretty damn close there. So the question is, Harper, what are you going to do to fix this?”
“It’s not my job to fix anything!” I declared, probably not sounding anywhere near as strong as I wanted to.
He kicked a foot towards the sofa.
“Um...”
“Sit.”
“Um...”
Well, not that I ever usually do what people tell me to, but his face and his tone suggested it wouldn’t be a good thing to argue with him on it.
I sat.
He didn’t. He started pacing the length of my lounge, meaning he took about three steps, turned, and took three steps back.
“I need you to listen to me. This is his life we’re talking about here. He will not give up on you, not really, he loves you! So the choice is yours to make, either cut him out all together, or give him all of you. That’s it. There’s no middle ground here. Do you love him?”
His eyes didn’t leave mine, he was watching me I knew, to see if I’d lie.
Damn!
“I...um...yes. But that’s...” I was cut off.
“That’s everything. Game playing. That’s what you’re doing. If you love him, and you just said you did, then why are you fucking him around?”
“I’m not fucking anyone around! Ruben you’re way off base here. I haven’t done anything wrong! I could understand why he would be angry if I led him on, but that didn’t happen! I was straight with him from day one, it was his choice to keep chasing me! Yeah, I love him, it’s impossible not to really, but nothing’s changed! That’s just the way it is, so no, I’m not going to do anything about this. Maybe then you’ll all realise that I mean what I fucking say.”
He stared at me with his jaw teeth tightly clenched. I wasn’t going to back down, I really was doing what I thought was best for everyone.
“Alright, if that’s how you really feel, then I’ll leave, and I’ll find him myself. But I’ll say this, it won’t take long for you to realise that you might think you’re protecting yourself, or only doing what’s best for you, but you’re not. It’s almost like you’re trying so hard to do the opposite of what anyone tells you to do, you’re not taking the time to think about what you’re missing out on. I can’t wait actually, because I honestly thought I could talk some sense in to you. Now I just think you’re too stubborn for your own good. So yeah, I can’t wait until the day that Mase meets someone who appreciates what they’ve got when they have him. You never deserved him in the first place, and you definitely don’t now. When that day comes, and you can’t bear to see him happy with someone else, I’ll remind you of this exact conversation. Later.”
And then he was gone.
As quick as he came.
I hated his parting words. But I still wouldn’t let him break me.
I did however, think about phoning Mason. I had a really bad feeling that he’d regretted his words yesterday and was going to do something about them. I couldn’t let that happen.
I rang once, no answer. Again, no answer...Again, still no answer.
That pretty much confirmed it for me. If he was avoiding me, he was doing something he knew I wouldn’t like.
I thought about just leaving him to do his thing, letting him get whatever he needed to get out of his system. Maybe that’s what he needed to do to make himself feel better, but it definitely wouldn’t help me.
My phone buzzed in my hand and then I got a text. A text that I really thought would change my life forever.
Mason: Really sorry. Your dad’s dead.
My heart just stopped beating. Of all the possible scenarios I had running through my mind, that was not one of them. He’d killed my dad.
Oh my fucking god, he’d killed my dad!!!!
I didn’t even think, just panicked. I couldn’t let him get in trouble for that. He obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. Thoughts were racing through my mind, I really never thought my stupid stubbornness could drive anyone that fucking crazy. Was I really that bad? I just didn’t know.
What I did know, was that even if he didn’t exactly know what he was talking about, Ruben was right. It was my job to fix this now.
Running, panting, realising I was a hell of a lot less fit than I thought I was, I raced to the club hoping that that’s where I’d find Jax seeing as no other fucker seemed to be answering their phone.
I went straight to
the back entrance, knowing that if he was in, he’d use the same entrance as the staff. I aimed for the doors and ran...
Straight...in...to...them.
Mother fucker!
I stumbled back a few steps but managed to stop myself from landing on my arse, I held my hands to my face and checked first that I hadn’t knocked out any teeth out before leaning my head back and pinching the bridge of my nose to stop the bleeding. I’m the only person I know who could nearly knock herself out running into a locked fucking door!
My whole face was throbbing, so I groaned and bashed my fist against the wall in frustration.
It’s really not a very good idea to punch a brick wall either.
Fuck sake!
I slumped to the ground and leaned my head against the wall. I knew then that nothing was going to go my way that day. How much back luck could one girl have in the space of a few hours?
I heard the crunching of gravel and looked up. Jax. Finally!
I jumped up and had to put my hand on the wall to steady myself first.
Whoa! Apparently running into a door really fucks with your head!
“Where the fuck have you been? Why are you not answering your phone? Why isn’t anyone else answering their phone? God damn it, where the hell is everyone when I need them?”
And breathe.
He raised an eyebrow at me, or at least at my incessant questions.
“I’ve been...busy.” He smirked, urgh! And then asked, “Why, what’s up? And why are you sitting on the floor with blood on your face?”
He reached down to help me up and I ignored his questions. Instead, asking another of my own.
“We need to go get Mase”
He frowned, but answered, “He went to Birmingham.”
“I know he went to Birmingham! I’m saying we need to go there, and we need to go there NOW! Do you know why he went?”
Jax hesitated before responding, which told me either he didn’t want to tell me the truth and he was going to lie, or worse, that I wasn’t going to like his answer at all.
Resist (London) Page 13
