by Evelyn Guy
“Heather is going to pick me up for school. I’ll wait for her outside.” Christine hurried out the door before her mother could stop her. Her mother was again pouring over the catalogues, seemingly having forgotten about the offending skirt. Heather was delighted that she and Christine matched. They chatted all the way to school. Heather asked Christine when she was going to get her drivers license. Christine put her off by changing the subject, not wanting to reveal that they had no car because her mom was unable to drive due to her condition, and that she herself would probably never be able to drive due to her own condition. True, she was doing better since the therapist had gotten her on some medicine. She didn’t really feel depressed any more. But, she knew it was there. It was just a matter of time before it overtook her life. She was sure of it. She would enjoy her life while she could, though.
When Christine got home that afternoon, she saw an ambulance and a police car in the driveway. She was so glad that she had ridden the bus. She would have died if Heather had brought her home and saw what was going on. Christine quickly entered the front door, worrying about her mother at the same time she worried about the kids on the bus seeing the lights of the ambulance and police car. When Christine got inside she saw her mother lying on a stretcher, with an IV bag attached to her arm. She was very quiet. It was obvious they had sedated her. The house was a wreck. The lamp was smashed against the wall. The recliner was overturned. Her mother’s beloved catalogues were ripped apart, their pages scattered all over the living room. Ms. Mabry was standing in the doorway to the living room, in tears. It was the first time Christine had seen her tearful.
“What happened? Why is everything like this? Is Mom okay? Mom, are you okay?”
“Your mom is sedated,” the EMT answered. “We are taking her to the hospital.”
“Honey, you mom just totally lost touch with reality this time. She didn’t even recognize me when I came in. I heard all the noise and came over. She was ripping the catalogues apart and screaming that ‘they’, whoever it is supposed to be, had taken all the pictures out of her catalogue. I couldn’t settle her down, so I had to call the EMT’s. I am so sorry.”
“That’s okay,” Christine answered softly. She hung her head, looking ashamed. “I have messed up again. I always do.”
“What are you talking about? You haven’t done anything. It is your mother.”
“No, I haven’t been checking whether or not she took her medicine. She seemed to be doing so well. I thought she was taking it. But, she told me this morning that she hadn’t. I should never have left her. But, I wanted to go to school so I could wear this stupid pink skirt. It doesn’t matter about any old skirt. Only my mom matters.”
“The skirt is not stupid. It is very pretty, and looks good on you. And, anyway, you couldn’t have known this was going to happen. I thought your mother was doing so much better, too. It is not your fault, or my fault, or you mother’s fault. It is just something that happened.”
“It is because of this skirt. She didn’t want me to go shopping, and she was upset that I had a new skirt that she didn’t know anything about. It is probably what set her off.”
“Don’t you believe for a minute that you are responsible for your mother’s breakdown. You are not! Let’s walk your mother out to the ambulance,” Ms. Mabry said, as the EMT’s were wheeling the stretcher out. “Then we will talk.”
After her mother was gone, Ms. Mabry hugged her close, telling her to get her clothes and come on over. Christine did as she was told. She was very depressed about all that was going on. She thought they had been through the worst they could, and that her mother was going to be okay now. She had been doing so very well. But, it was her own fault, she thought, that she hadn’t checked to make sure that her mother was taking her medicines as instructed by the doctors. She could only blame herself. Her mother was not responsible enough to be trusted to do it. She, herself, Christine, was fully responsible for what was happening now. She would just have to accept that responsibility. Her mother was worse this time than she had ever seen her. She may have let things go way too far this time. Maybe her mother was never coming back to her.
After Christine put her clothes in her room at Ms. Mabry’s, hanging up some, she came down to the kitchen where Ms. Mabry was fixing an after school snack. She sat at the counter, putting her elbows on the counter and resting her head in her hands. She felt so very much down in the dumps. It was almost more than she could bear. It seemed nothing she could do would be enough to protect her mother.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Honey, we have to talk. You can’t go on this way. Can you listen to me for a little bit? Will you let me explain something to you?”
“Sure,” Christine replied.
“I mean, can you listen with an open mind? Will you try and believe what I am telling you? You know I would not tell you something wrong.”
“I know. I will listen. And, I will try and believe what you say. I know you are going to tell me it is not my fault about my mother, but it really is.”
“Just listen to me explain, Honey. I think you will see it differently if you will just listen openly.”
Christine knew Ms. Mabry was going to try and convince her it wasn’t her fault. She so wanted to believe it wasn’t, but she didn’t see how anyone could think it wasn’t her fault. She had messed up.
“Christine, I know we have talked about this, and your counselor has talked about it as well. There is a condition called co-dependency. That is a danger anytime someone has a condition that is disabling, like mental illness, alcoholism, drug addiction, and any number of other things. When a person gets so that they cannot function on their own, due to an illness or something, they need someone to lean on - someone to take over their lives for them. That is fine. It is a healthy thing. But, it gets so comfortable for them, that they never want to move on past that. They want to continue to depend on that person. They need them to feel okay. That is dependency. When the person they lean on gets great satisfaction from that dependency, they need that person to lean on them to feel okay. It makes them feel fulfilled, grown-up, or some such feeling. They need that person to always depend on them, and will let them remain in that dependent state. They will often even try to stop that person from growing on without them. That is called co-dependency. Both parties need something for each other to be able to function. That is not a healthy relationship. It is fine for a while when it is needed, but it should be only a temporary thing. Both parties need to grow and mature past that relationship. Do you understand what I am saying?”
“I think so. Am I like that? Have I made my mother’s condition worse?”
“No, Honey. It is not that. You have both become so dependent on each other in a way that is not healthy. You both need to mature past that. But, neither of you have made the other any such way. It is just a relationship that you have gotten trapped in. Your mother won’t get better until she is forced to stand on her on. Not totally without your support, and the support of others. But, she is going to have to take some responsibility for herself. I thought she was doing that, but she wasn’t doing as well as it seemed.”
“I know. I was fooled by it, too. I didn’t make her take her medicines because I thought she was doing it. I should have been more careful.” Christine seemed to be overcome by guilt. Ms. Mabry put her hand gently on top of Christine’s.
“Honey, you should not have to be responsible for your mother’s care. She needs to become responsible for that herself, but she is so dependent on you she won’t do it on her own. You have to let her take that responsibility. That is hard. It means she will have spells like now. But, that is part of her maturing through this stage.”
“But she is so bad this time. I am so scared. I am afraid she will never be okay again.”
“She will get better. She will never be like someone who doesn’t have schizophrenia. But, she can live a basically normal life if she takes her medicines. But, she has to do it for herself. And s
he may, and probably will, have setbacks like this. But, what you must understand is that you have to let her be more responsible. I am not saying abandon her completely. Maybe do some things to help her remember her medicine. Things like making a chart or something. I will help you there. But, you have to back off from being the one taking responsibility. However, I suspect you will feel sort of lost when you no longer have her to care for. Am I right?”
“I think so. I know when she is in the hospital, and I stay here, I don’t know what to do with myself because I don’t have all the normal responsibilities. It is nice in some ways, but I feel lost.”
“That is part of co-dependency. You are so tied into your relationship with your mother that you have nothing outside that. Even your relationship with me is somewhat tied to your relationship with your mother. You come over when she goes to the hospital. You come over when you need me to help you with her. That is okay. I am glad to do it. But, you need to have something beside what is related to your mother and her condition. You need to develop some kind of relationship with your mother beside the caretaker one. Your mother is too sick to try and get that. You will have to do it. I will try and help you guys, but it will mostly have to be you. You need to try to get your mother to be a mother to you. Maybe you could ask her advice about dressing, or tell her about friends or something. She will resist it, but you must insist.”
“I have tried. When I do, she gets upset and then I have to comfort her. She doesn’t want to hear about anything outside our home. It makes her jealous that she doesn’t have that, she says. She makes me feel so guilty for even thinking about something beside her that I can’t go on.”
“That is another part of co-dependency making the other party feel guilty. You have to realize that and it will help you avoid that trap. Just know that when she does it she is trying to get you to fall into the protector or care taker mode. You have to just persist in your goal, and ignore her efforts to make you feel guilty.”
“I can see that, sort of. And, I think it would feel good to have a relationship with my mom beside just giving medicine, making her eat, and seeing that she bathes and dresses. I just don’t know how to do that.”
“It takes small steps. You can’t do it all at once. I will help guide you through it. But, you have to be dedicated to doing it. Your mom will resist it because she is comfortable with your relationship and scared to try anything else. She will try her best to keep things like they are.”
“I know. She does, even when I go out sometimes with Heather. She lets me, but she is upset, and I know it. I feel guilty the whole time I am out, and worried. I am always afraid she will break down while I am gone.”
“That is the whole design in co-dependency. The co-dependent person has to have some way to keep that relationship from moving on. It is not that either you or your mother is intentionally doing anything wrong. It is just what has worked for you in the past. It is a pattern you have gotten into. You just have to make a conscious effort to move past that. What is something you would like to do if you didn’t have to worry about your mother at all? Just pretend that nothing matters, not money, not your mother, nothing at all. What is the one thing you would like to do?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I guess it would be going to the mall with my friends. Something like that.”
“That’s fine for a start. But, you have to have something longer term. What is something you would like to do with your life? Or, something you will like to see or to do that you have never been able to do?”
“I know one thing. I like to write. My teachers all tell me I am good at it. But, the only writing I get to do is at school. Mom gets really upset if I go to my room when she needs me. Sometimes, she just shuts herself in her room and I can write. But, I know when she does that she is getting bad, and I sit and wonder what I can do. I don’t get much writing done then, either. I would love to write books for teenagers, like my teacher for last year, Mrs. Grey, does.”
“Okay, then, this is what we will do. You will start a writing project while you are here. You will set a schedule of working on it. Then, when you mother gets back, you will keep to that schedule. She will have to work around your schedule. I will keep checking to make sure you follow through. That is a step. We will talk about some other things later, but for now, that is a start. We need to start dinner. Do you want to help?”
“Sure.” Christine loved working in the kitchen with Ms. Mabry.
After dinner, Ms. Mabry worked with Christine to help set up a writing area in her room. Ms. Mabry explained that she didn’t have to always write there, but it was good to have a central area. Ms. Mabry herself was a published writer, though only on a small scale, so she was thrilled at Christine’s choice and very eager to help her get started. They made a list of supplies that Christine would need and made plans to go shopping the next day after school. There was already a computer in her room. Ms. Mabry had put it in there the first time she stayed with her. She offered to let her take it home with her when she went back, but Christine declined. She was afraid her mother would destroy it in one of her rages. Especially since she was so jealous of Ms. Mabry. Too, she never had time to do anything on the computer when her mother was home. She spent all her time helping her mother. She rarely even got to finish all her homework.
Christine and Ms. Mabry got her area all set up the next day with the stuff they bought. Christine had started an outline of a novel for young adults that they had to do in an English class. She decided to work on that first. She was eager to try out her new ‘toys’. Ms. Mabry left her alone all afternoon to work. She really got into it, and was surprised when Ms. Mabry called her to the phone. She never got any calls from anyone except Heather, and she knew Heather wasn’t home. She was at her grandmother’s. She was a little nervous, thinking the hospital was calling about her mother. It would mean she was not doing well if they were calling.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Christine. It’s Allen.” Allen sounded nervous. He was like the cutest boy in the eleventh grade. All the girls drooled over him.
“Oh, hi. What’s up?”
“Nothing. Just thought I would call and see how you are doing. Do you have your algebra homework yet?”
“Yeah, but it was hard.”
“I know. I got mine, too, but it was hard for me as well. And, math is my best subject.”
“English is mine. I am writing a story on the outline we did last week.”
“Neat. I would love to read it.”
“You would?” Christine had never had anyone care about anything she did, except maybe Ms. Mabry.
“Sure. By the way, do you have any plans this Saturday? I mean, if you do I will understand. But, I thought we might go to a movie at the mall. That is, if you don’t have any plans. Of course, I am sure you do. We can do it another time. I mean, I didn’t exactly give you much notice. I’ll understand if you can’t. It was just a thought.”
“Hey, hold on. I would love to go to the movie’s with you. Let me ask Ms. Mabry.” Christine had not even thought when she mentioned Ms. Mabry to him. Now, she would have to explain about her mother. Boy, she wasn’t good at deception at all.
Ms. Mabry said yes, and she and Allen confirmed their plans. Allen didn’t ask about why she had to get permission from Ms. Mabry, and Christine didn’t volunteer the information. She had just been asked on her first date, and she didn’t think about it at the time. CHAPTER NINE
Time passed swiftly over the next few months. Christine and Allen got very close. Both were entering their Senior year and were very excited about it. They had a wonderful summer, spending as much of it together as they could and getting very serious about each other. Allen had a part time job, and Christine busily wrote on her book. She had finished it, revised it, and had finally gotten brave enough to sent it off to a publisher. She was waiting for an answer. However, Ms. Mabry had convinced her it was best to start right in on something else, so she was working on a picture book for children.
Writing was really fun. It allowed her to live outside her troubled life. In her writing, things could be as she wished them to be, not as whatever life dumped on her.
Allen and Christine spent every available minute together. They made plans to go to college together, and were talking about marriage. The year sped by very rapidly. Christine’s mom got out of the hospital, but didn’t stay long until she was back again. Christine never moved from Ms. Mabry’s during the whole time. She had never introduced Allen to her mother, nor had she talked about her to him. It was as if her mother didn’t exist. She still loved her mom, but didn’t spend her whole life taking care of her. In fact, she visited her for brief times daily, then went about her own life from there. She chose not to have a part time job because she wanted to develop her writing. She and Allen talked of marriage after college, and she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. She planned to write for fulfillment and to supplement their income.
Christine often felt guilty to not tell Allen about her family.
Christine’s mother got out of the hospital. Ms. Mabry reminded her again about co-dependence, and about how far she had come in her recovery. She didn’t say that Christine needed to stay with her, but she knew that is what she thought was best.
Christine decided to stay with Ms. Mabry for a while and just go across and visit her mother for each day. She knew that was the only way not to fall into the co-dependency trap again. She would now have to let Allen know about her mother. She dreaded it, but was also secretly happy that know she could be open and honest about it.
“Mother, this is Allen. Allen, meet my mother. Allen is a special friend of mine.” Christine’s palms were sweating, her heart pounding, and she was silently praying that her mother would be in a good mood. It turned out that she was, and Allen easily won her over.
“My goodness, Christine, you have been busy while I was in the hospital this time. But, you surely have chosen a handsome young man.” Christine could have died of embarrassment. Allen didn’t seem to notice.
