by Evelyn Guy
“I didn’t know you have been in the hospital all this time,” Allen said. “Are you feeling better? What’s wrong, if I may ask?”
“Yes, I am fine. I am cured this time.” Her mother didn’t seem to hear that Allen had asked what was wrong, so she didn’t elaborate, and Christine was thankful for that. She would tell Allen all about it in time, but she didn’t want to assume anything about their relationship. She would wait until she was sure that she and Allen were serious. She didn’t know what Allen’s intentions were at this time. She didn’t want him to think she was pushing him into something, or assuming something too soon.
Later in the week Christine and Allen were at dinner. They had gone to La Grande, the local Mexican restaurant. It was their favorite place.
“What is wrong with your mom? She seems healthy enough but I know she has been in the hospital a lot. Does she have cancer?”
“No, she doesn’t have cancer. It is not like that at all. She will not die from what she has. What she has is not a physical condition. It is a mental one.”
“What is it, then? Why is she in the hospital so much? How serious is her condition?”
Christine breathed a sigh of exasperation. She knew this time would come, but she was not at all ready for it. She just wished she could put it off a while longer. She knew she couldn’t avoid it forever, but she wished she could wait until she was more sure of their relationship. She also knew Allen deserved an answer. They were getting very serious about each other, and she knew she should have told him about her mother a long time before now. She just didn’t want to turn Allen away before they even got form a lasting relationship, however.
“My mother has a condition known as schizophrenia. It is very serious and very debilitating. It is a mental illness. It is not contagious, though it may be hereditary to some extent. At least, some research seems to prove that. It is not curable. She will always have it, and will always have to take medicine. She will probably be in the hospital off and on from time to time. She will always have trouble functioning in the world like everyone else. She cannot work, and when she is ill, she can’t care for herself. I have to be the one in charge at that time. I always live in fear that I will develop the illness as well. It impacts our family in a negative way all the time.”
Allen didn’t say a word. He sat staring in silence. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, and didn’t in any way reveal what he was feeling. Christine’s heart began to pound. Her hands got sweaty. She wondered what Allen was thinking and feeling.
“Allen, say something.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say something. Say anything. Are you angry? You look angry. What are your feelings right now?”
“What do you expect my feelings to be?” Allen literally growled at her. “You have lied to me ever since we met. You have avoided talking about your mother at all. You have this serious illness in your family, that may be inherited, and you say nothing about it. You knew we were getting very serious. You knew we talked about marriage. Yet you said nothing. What am I supposed to feel? Tell me that, what am I supposed to feel?”
Allen’s voice had risen in pitch and volume. He was obviously angry. He was so loud that others in the restaurant were glancing their way.
“Allen, you’re embarrassing me. People are looking.”
“Oh, all you can worry about is being embarrassed. What about me? What about my feelings? What about that you have lied to me for a long time now. And, you have lied about something that is vitally important.”
“I didn’t lie. I just haven’t had a chance to tell you about it yet. I didn’t think it would matter. I thought . . . ”
“You didn’t think it would matter? You didn’t think it would matter, huh? Well, it does. I’m leaving. Are you coming?”
Allen stormed out of the restaurant, slapping a twenty on the counter for their bill and telling the cashier to keep the change. Christine trailed out behind. He did not even acknowledge that she was behind him.
Neither Christine nor Allen spoke a word all the way to Christine’s house. When they got there, Christine got out on her side. She leaned into the car to say goodbye, but the look on Allen’s face as he stared straight ahead out the front windshield stopped any comment she may have been going to make. She simply shut the door, turned and walked into her house, feeling deeply troubled and hopeless.
“Christine, you’re home early. Where’s your boyfriend?”
“His name is Allen, and he went home.”
“Why didn’t you invite him in? You could have sat in here and talked. It is very early yet.”
“I just didn’t. Mom, do you mind? I would rather not talk about it, okay?”
“Oh, I see. You two had a little tiff, huh? Okay, I won’t bother you about it. It will pass soon. You will make up. That’s what teens do. They never really fight over anything important. Just little temper fits. Who had the fit this time, you or Allen?”
“Mother, please!”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead to your room. You can talk to me later after you have settled down. It must have been one kind of fight.” Christine couldn’t tell her mother what the disagreement was about. She couldn’t hurt her mother that way, even though right now she would have loved to have told her mother just how much heartache she had caused her over the years. Of course, she couldn’t do that, just as she couldn’t let her know that she may lose Allen because of her illness. She could never hurt her that way, even though she, herself, was very much hurt by her mother and her mother’s illness.
Hours later Christine heard her mom open the door to her room. She pretended to be asleep, though she doubted she would go to sleep at all tonight. She had been lying on her stomach with her heard buried in her pillow for hours, crying her eyes out. She couldn’t deal with all this. It seemed that all the hurts from all the years of her life had suddenly just dumped on her. She didn’t feel she could handle it anymore. The tears started all over. Christine knew she should get to sleep, as she had school tomorrow morning and work in the afternoon. She was in the co-op program at school, since she was not a senior. She had to go to school for two hours in the morning, and then, in the afternoon, she had to go to the job she had been given. If she didn’t get some sleep, she wouldn’t be able to function tomorrow. She sobbed for a while, then began to hiccup as she was falling asleep.
The next morning Christine got up early and ate breakfast without her mother. She really didn’t want to talk to her this morning. Normally, her mother slept until midmorning, but Christine wanted to make sure she didn’t see her this morning. She put her mother’s medicine on the counter near the coffee pot, with a huge note telling her not to forget to take it. She usually woke her mother and gave her the medicine before she left, but this morning she didn’t want to take a chance that her mother would ask any more questions.
Christine managed somehow to get through school and her job without too much trouble. She really couldn’t have told anyone what was said in her classes, nor what actually went on at her job. She was working in the local discount department store. It was usually exciting to her to see all the people and help them find whatever they were searching for. She loved working with the public. But, today she scarcely took interest in what she was doing. She just wandered through her tasks at work, waiting until time to go home. Maybe Allen would call and everything would be okay. She would explain to him why she hadn’t told him. She realized that the reason she hadn’t told him before was because she didn’t want him to think she was assuming they were getting serious. That, and the fact she was afraid he would react exactly as he had reacted last night.
The phone was ringing as she went in the front door. Her mother rarely answered the phone, so Christine rushed to see who it was. The caller id showed that it was Allen. Good, she thought. He had probably thought it over and realized it was stupid to get angry over her not telling him earlier.
“Christine, I think we need to have some time
apart to think things over.”
“Why, Allen? I know how I feel about you. This doesn’t change anything about that.”
“It changes a lot about my feelings.”
“Why? Because my mother has a mental illness? It’s not contagious, you know. You won’t ‘catch’ it.”
“But any kids we have might have it. You neglected to tell me that little fact. You didn’t tell me anything about any of it. At least, that way I could have made a reasonable, informed decision.”
“You mean about your feelings? When do feelings, love, and caring, depend on reasonable informed decisions? Do you just decide to love or not love someone? Is that how it goes? Because that is not how it is with me. I love you no matter what. It is not something I can think into doing or out of doing. I don’t understand you.”
“It’s not that. I knew you wouldn’t understand. Integrity evidently doesn’t mean the same to you as it does to me. I can’t be with someone who won’t be open and honest with me.”
“I never lied to you. You never asked about any of it.”
“But you also never shared it with me. You have to know how important such a thing is, and you never shared. How can I ever trust you again?”
“But . . . but . . . Allen . . . let’s . . . ”
“‘Bye, Christine. I’ll be in touch later. I just need to think things over.”
Allen abruptly hung up on her. Christine hung up and ran to her room. She threw herself across her bed and burst into tears. How could she have messed up so horribly? Was there no way to resolve this thing with Allen?
She saw now it would have been better to have told him from the beginning. She tried convincing herself that she had not tried to hide it from him, that the subject just never presented itself. But, to be totally honest, she knew she had tried every way she could to not have to tell him about her mother. She didn’t lie. She just didn’t tell him
She felt anger at her mother for having schizophrenia, then immediately felt guilt for being ashamed of her and for feeling anger at her mother for something she couldn’t help. She was just so confused.
She felt anger at Allen for being so hardheaded, but at the same time she understood and felt angry at herself for being so deceptive. At the same time, she felt hurt, and love for Allen and for her mother.
Her thoughts and feelings were just so jumbled. She couldn’t make sense of them. She was just so tired of trying. She couldn’t stop crying. What was wrong with her? This wasn’t going to help anything. Tears never did change anything.
“Christine?” Her mother’s soft voice woke Christine from the exhausted sleep she had fallen into earlier.
“Hey, Mom.” Christine tried to hide that she had been crying. It would mean she would have to explain way too much. “Have you had dinner yet?”
“No, I was waiting on you. What is wrong? You look bad.”
“I’m just tired. It was a hard day at work and school today.” She didn’t have to tell her mom why it was so hard. “I have a headache. I’ll get something for it. Let’s eat, okay?” She did indeed have a headache, probably from all the crying.
“Mom, I don’t want to upset you. But, you know the illness you have?”
“You mean the schizophrenia? “
”Yes. I know sometimes it runs in families. But, is it hereditary? Like, can you get it from your parents?”
“I knew that subject was going to come up sometime. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, Christine.”
“It’s okay. It’s just that Allen asked.” She didn’t dare tell her mother what was going on.
“Well, they really don’t know all about it. It involves the brain, and the brain is a mystery. However, there are lots of studies done, and still being done. They believe that a person doesn’t inherit schizophrenia directly. They inherit the ability or the likelihood of developing it. Then, there are other factors that cause it to happen, like viruses, the environment, and such things. So, the answer is yes and no. Does that make sense?”
“I guess. So, just because you have schizophrenia doesn’t mean I will have it? Or that my kids will have it?”
“No, not at all. You are very mentally sound. I don’t think you need to worry. Anyway, any kids you have would get half their heredity from their fathers. So, the chances would be even less unless the father had schizophrenia in his family as well.”
“We were just wondering,” Christine said, still not able to tell her mother all that had happened in the past twenty-four hours.
Christine and her mother cleaned up the dinner mess. Her mom seemed very much the normal mom right at the moment. They cleaned the kitchen together as a team. They worked pretty much in silence.
Christine was deep in thought about a letter she planned to write to Allen. They had never set a date for marriage, but had decided they would one day get married. She couldn’t just give that up without trying to make Allen see how things were, and why she didn’t share with him all about her mother’s illness. She loved Allen, and she thought he loved her. But, how could he just walk away if he loved her? She couldn’t just walk away from him.
Maybe it was different with boys. She knew her father had just walked away with no problem. Maybe men didn’t have the same commitment that women did. Or, maybe it was just the men in her life. Anyway, she had to give it a try. She would write to Allen. Maybe he would read a letter even though he didn’t seem prone to listen to her side of things on the phone.
Christine stayed up way past her bed time working on the letter. She wrote, scratched out, then rewrote it over and over again. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. She wanted to make Allen understand all of it, but didn’t want him to think she was begging him to come back or anything. She wanted to make him understand how much she cared, and what the risks, or nonrisks, were for any children they might have.
This letter was the hardest thing Christine had ever had to do. Her relationship with Allen had become very serious, to the point of their talking about marriage. They had never set a date, though, and never really became engaged or anything. So, she was having a hard time deciding just how to approach the letter she wanted to write. She made several false starts, then decided to just pour her heart out, and let come what may. . . . . . . . . . .
Dear Allen, I don’t really know how to tell you this. I am confused about where we are as a couple. I know I care a lot for you. We have talked about maybe one day getting married. I thought that meant you loved me as much as I love you. I never meant to keep anything from you. Well, maybe I did. I didn’t want to hurt you, though. I was scared that I might lose you if you knew the truth about my mother. It seems I was right to worry.
When we first started going together, I had no idea that we would get this close in our relationship, so I didn’t see any need to share about my mother’s illness with you. Then, when we got close and I realized I loved you, I didn’t know if you loved me or not. So, I couldn’t very well share it with you without it seeming that I was assuming we would one day get married. Once we started talking about getting married, I felt I couldn’t share it without appearing to have tried to deceive you. I NEVER meant to deceive you. I just didn’t know how to tell you.
I am going to try and make you understand as best I can. I also, though, want to let you know up front that my dad also has a mental illness. He has bipolar disorder. It used to be called manic/depressive disorder. It just means that sometimes he is very hyper, or sometimes violent, and sometimes he is very depressed. Both of my parents have a mental illness. There are different views of whether they are hereditary or not. Some believe they are passed from generation, but that is not the most popular belief. There seems to be a tendency toward developing these two mental illnesses if your parents have them. But, there has to be other factors causing them to develop in an individual. That means that, yes, I could develop either or both of them. I live in constant fear of that. But, it is also believed another factor must be present beside just heredity. I can’t
assure you that I won’t develop the illnesses, or that any childrenwe had might not develop one or both. But, I do know that I have to move on and live my life without always worrying about whether or not I am going to get sick. Also, I cannot just decide to give up on having children. With any birth there is a danger of all sorts of things happening. That is a chance a mother and father have to take. If the worst happens, then they just deal with it as a family. That is what love is all about.
Just as we can’t guarantee our kids will be smart if we marry someone with a high IQ, we also cannot guarantee that they will be disease-free if we marry the “perfect” mate. So, no, I cannot guarantee that our children won’t be damaged in some way by this. I do guarantee that if we love each other, and those children, we can make the best of the situation.
I do love you. I did not mean to hurt you in any way. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I really didn’t understand it fully myself. But, if you love me like I love you, then this situation won’t mean the end of us.
It is true. I was not open with you. And, I may have to earn your trust again. But, I just want to say, if I had known where our relationship was going, I would have shared this information much earlier.
I am sending this letter to let you know I still love you. If you cannot accept me, and cannot trust me, then that will just have to be. But, I can’t just let you go without letting you know how I feel.
If you see fit to respond to me, I will gladly listen to your side of things. If not, then just know I believe you are giving up on what could be a very rewarding lifetime relationship.
Love,
Christine
. . . . . . . . . . Christine went ahead and folded the letter, put it in an envelope, addressed and stamped, then rushed out to the mailbox with it. She knew if she waited until the next day, she would probably back out on sending it. She was just too unsure of herself, and of her relationship with Allen.
