An Honorable Man

by Margaret Watson

She had to thaw the ice in his eyes, and she wasn’t even sure why it was there. “I’m not,” she answered softly. “But I think maybe you are.”

  The look he gave her was filled with self-derision. “I don’t have to make myself out to be bad, Julia. I’m already worse than anything you could possibly dream up.”

  She shook her head stubbornly. “You’re not, Luke.”

  “I am, Julia,” he mocked. “The Luke McKinley you’re trying to conjure up simply doesn’t exist.”

  “Well, then, maybe I’m talking about Lucas McKinley.”

  He turned away from her abruptly and twisted the ignition key. “Don’t kid yourself. Lucas McKinley died a long time ago. Luke is the only one home anymore.”

  Sliding as close as her seat belt would allow, she reached out and touched his arm. “Not to me, Lucas,” she whispered.

  He took his eyes off the road for a long moment to stare at her. When he looked back at the street in front of him, he said quietly, so quietly she almost couldn’t hear him, “I wish I could be Lucas for you, Julia. I wish I could, but I just don’t think I can.”

  Chapter 11

  Neither of them spoke on the way back to the motel. When they arrived, they walked quickly into the building and up the stairs to their room. Julia helped Luke check the room for intruders, inspecting all the little traps he’d laid. When he nodded curtly after a couple of minutes, she slid the chain on the door behind her and slumped down into a chair.

  “What do we do now?” she asked, brushing her hair back from her face, trying vainly to tame the springy curls. “We know for sure that at least five of the men from your precinct are involved with the Demons, but a few photographs aren’t going to convict them.”

  “We have to catch them in the act of taking money from the gang, and I think we’ll be able to do just that.”

  He turned to face her, grim determination on his face. “Three days from now another big shipment of coke is due. It’s brought in by laundry trucks to a warehouse in Humboldt Park. I suspect Eddie and his buddies will make sure they get their cut before the Demons are allowed to sell it.”

  Shooting bolt upright in her chair, she stared at him, fear washing over her again. “How do you know that?”

  “It’s amazing what you can hear at keyholes. They were just getting to the interesting part when I heard you down in the alley.”

  “What?” She actually felt the blood drain from her face. “Are you saying you sneaked up the back stairs of that building and heard what they were saying?” When he nodded, she jumped up from her chair, fear combining with anger to propel the words that came spilling out. “Do you realize how easily you could have been caught? And what would have happened to you if you were?”

  “But I wasn’t,” he said, shrugging.

  That casual, indifferent shrug fanned the flames of her temper. “Only because I was stupid enough to try to do the same thing and fortunate enough that the guard stopped me in time. What were you thinking about, Luke?” She advanced on him and grabbed the billowing material of the black silk shirt, crushing it in her fists. “Don’t you care at all about yourself?”

  “We had to have more information, Julia. I didn’t see any other way of getting it.”

  Still holding on to his shirt, she tried to shake him. “There were lots of other ways. Raul probably could have found out for us. You didn’t have to risk yourself like that.”

  Slowly his hands came up and gripped her shoulders. “You were taking just as big a risk, Julia.”

  “No I wasn’t,” she insisted. “They don’t know me. And I wasn’t listening at their back door.”

  His grip on her shoulders tightened. “Why are you so upset? This is what you hired me for, isn’t it?”

  “I didn’t hire you to get yourself killed,” she cried.

  “But you hired me to get proof of the cops’ involvement, and with this information we can do just that. You should be happy that I was willing to take the risk. There’s no reason for you to get so bent out of shape. Is there, Julia?”

  Her eyes locked with his. She tried to look away, but his fierce gaze held her mesmerized. “Is there, Julia?” he repeated, his voice a low caress against her cheek.

  “Yes, there is.” She swallowed past the ball of fear lodged in her throat. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  He continued to watch her, and she felt as if the words were ripped from someplace deep inside her. “I care about you, Luke,” she whispered. “Please don’t take any more foolish chances.”

  His grip on her shoulders loosened and shifted, and suddenly his hands were cupping her face. “Now you know how I felt when I found you in the alley with that horny kid. I would have died if anything had happened to you.” His voice dropped to a husky growl. “I couldn’t bear it if you got hurt and I couldn’t protect you.”

  “But you did protect me, Luke. You were there when I needed you.” She stepped closer to him, close enough that she could feel the heat from his body. “Is there anyone you can count on when you need help?”

  Sliding his hands back to her shoulders, he closed his eyes, but not before she’d seen the desperate hunger she knew he wanted to hide. “I don’t need anyone. Not even you.” When she began to protest, he brushed his fingers over her mouth. “I don’t want to hurt you, Julia. And believe me, I will if you give me a chance.”

  “I’m willing to take that chance, Luke. And you should be, too.”

  He opened his eyes again, and she could see the battle he fought. “You don’t know anything about me, Julia.” His voice was hoarse and strained, torn from his throat. “You’re seeing only what you want to see.”

  “And you’re giving yourself a lot less credit than you deserve.” She reached out for him, needing to draw him close, then stopped, curling her fingers into her palms. What was she doing? She’d never thrown herself at a man, ever. Usually she ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction.

  “I’m sorry, Luke. I shouldn’t have said any of that.” She backed away, but it was too late. His eyes blazed with need, and she could see the passion he’d banked down come roaring back. His hands tightened on her shoulders and he pulled her close, murmuring her name.

  “I’m glad you did.”

  He took her mouth in a kiss that swept away all her restraints. Desire sprang to life inside her, consuming her with its fire, and she forgot all the reasons she shouldn’t be here with him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him back. She was home, where she belonged, and the rightness settled over her like a cloak, warm and enveloping.

  He slid his tongue along her lips then dipped his mouth to the hollow of her throat. He groaned as he tasted her, sliding his hands down her back to linger at her waist. When she put her hands on his chest she could feel his heart pounding under the silk, beating against her palm.

  Slowly he pulled away from her. With one shaking hand he brushed the curls away from her face, looking into her eyes. “I don’t want to stop, Julia, but I need to know if you’re sure. Is this what you want?”

  She licked her lips and nodded slowly. “Oh, Luke. I know I shouldn’t, and I know it’s wrong, but I can’t help myself. This is what I want.”

  Without a word he picked her up and laid her on the bed. Then he stretched out next to her, the baggy shirt hanging open so she could see the dark hair covering the sleek muscles of his chest. He leaned over her and she opened her mouth for his kiss, but to her surprise all she felt was his hand tangling in her hair.

  “Why don’t you leave your hair like this all the time?” he asked softly.

  She opened her eyes to see him looking at her, his concentration fixed on the curl he was twining around his finger. She shifted self-consciously. “It’s too wild and out of control. Who would ever take me seriously with hair like that?”

  “I take you very seriously, Julia Carleton.” He lowered his mouth to hers and nipped at her lower lip. “Hair and all. Tell me, which is the real Julia?” He let his mouth sl
ide over her cheek and nibble at her ear. “The buttoned-up, hair-incontrol, suit-wearing investigator?” His tongue dipped into her ear, and she shivered uncontrollably. “Or the wildhaired, miniskirted, passionate temptress?”

  She couldn’t answer. All she could do was turn to him, needing to feel his mouth on hers. She needed to feel his hands on her body, holding her. She needed to touch him, to be sure he was real and not part of a fantasy.

  “Who are you, Julia?” he repeated, shifting so his leg covered hers. “You try to hide, but I need to know. I’ve needed to since the minute you walked into my office.” He bent to kiss her again. Just before his lips touched hers, he murmured, “Tonight I’m going to find the real Julia Carleton. Which one are you?”

  She wasn’t sure if she knew herself. No one had ever made her feel like this before. She had felt desire, had been moved by passion, but never had she wanted to twine herself around a man and never let go, to get so far inside him that she couldn’t be sure where he began and she ended. Never before had she wanted to melt into a man until she’d filled all the empty places in his soul and erased all the dark corners in his heart.

  “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  His hand brushed over her scalp and stroked through her hair. Just that slight touch made her quiver. “I have my suspicions,” he murmured against her temple. “But there’s only one way to find out.”

  He moved from her temple to her mouth, kissing her with a drugging sweetness that took her breath away. She opened to him helplessly, craving the taste of him. His tongue swirled through her mouth, caressing her with an urgent rhythm that had her arching to get closer to him.

  Breaking the kiss, he trailed down her neck to the edge of the black chemise. She remembered how she’d wanted to cover herself earlier when he’d looked at her, and now she panicked momentarily, thinking about the revealing garment she wore.

  He trailed a finger down the neckline of the chemise, pausing for a moment to dip into the valley between her breasts. “You look sexy as hell in this,” he murmured, as if he could read her mind. “But you really drove me crazy that first day in my office. I could see the lacy thing you wore under your business suit, and all I could think about was what you would look like without that blouse.”

  He bent his head and dipped his tongue under the neckline of the chemise, his mouth leaving a trail of hot, wet fire across the top of her breasts. When she shifted against him, the hard length of his arousal burned into her belly, even through their clothes.

  Raising his head, he stared down at her. Slowly he pushed the strap of the chemise off one shoulder. “I need to look at you, Julia. May I?”

  She nodded, holding her breath as he pulled the silky fabric lower and lower. Every inch of skin tingled, and the silk brushing against it aroused her almost unbearably. Her nipple scraped against the lace at the neckline and caught, and he bent his head and took it into his mouth.

  She cried out as he suckled gently, and arched against him. “Luke,” she said in a high, thin voice she hardly recognized. “Luke, please…”

  When he raised his head she saw that his blue eyes were almost black. Hot and glittering, they showed a man holding on to his control by the merest thread. Staring into her eyes, he pulled down the other side of her chemise until she was bare to the waist. Only then did he look down at her.

  “Julia,” he breathed. Reaching up with one hand, he caressed her almost reverently, his hand sweeping around her breasts and cupping them in his palm.

  She ached for him, throbbed for his touch. When he finally bent down and took one nipple into his mouth, she gasped his name and wrapped her legs around him. He groaned, deep in his throat, and she felt his hips thrusting against her.

  As he moved from one breast to the other, she reached down and pulled his shirt out of his waistband, then slid her hands over the hot satiny skin of his back. He froze, then lifted his head and took her mouth again.

  The thread by which he’d held control had snapped. His kiss was deep and wild, his tongue possessing her and thrusting into her as he mimicked the movement of his hips. She clung to him, feeling her body tightening and coiling inside.

  Suddenly he reached down and shoved the leather miniskirt up over her hips. When he touched her through the lace panties she wore, she stiffened in stunned surprise, then began trembling as he stroked her through the material. Exquisite sensations coiled through her, winding more and more tightly, and she reached for him blindly and began unbuttoning his shirt.

  When her fumbling hands couldn’t push the buttons through the tiny holes, he pulled the shirt over his head. His muscles rippled in the dim light, and she watched as he reached down and unbuttoned the black pants and peeled them off.

  Before he could bend over her again, she rose up on one arm and pushed him back to the bed. “Now it’s my turn to look at you,” she whispered, letting her gaze travel down his body. He was magnificent, from his broad shoulders to his narrow hips and long, lean legs. Her fingers tangled in the soft hair on his chest then trailed down the thin band of dark hairs that arrowed down his belly. When her hands crept below his waist he grabbed them and pulled them away.

  “Not this time,” he rasped. “If you touch me I’ll explode.” Kissing her hands, he let her go and swept the leather skirt and the chemise down her legs and tossed them on the floor.

  Sliding over her, he braced his elbows on the bed and cupped her face in his hands. “I wanted to make it last forever for you,” he whispered. “But I don’t think I can, this time.” He lowered his mouth to hers, and she could feel every muscle in his body straining with the effort it took to hold himself back.

  “I don’t want to wait,” she said into his mouth. “I need you, Luke. Now.”

  With a groan he slid his hands down to cup her hips, and she rose to meet him. One smooth thrust and he was inside her. His hips twitched once, then he lay still.

  She felt complete, as she never had before in her life. Wrapping her arms and legs around him, she reached up to kiss his mouth.

  The touch shattered whatever remained of his control. Arms tightening around her, he began to move inside of her. Sensations she’d never felt in her life overwhelmed her, swirling through her and taking over her body and soul. Holding on to him, crying out his name, she tumbled over the precipice and felt herself falling, floating through space.

  His hold on her tightened and he whispered to her, going rigid in her arms. As she slowly returned to reality, she wondered if she had really heard him correctly or if her imagination was supplying what she wanted to hear.

  They lay on the bed together for what seemed like eternity, arms tight around each other. Luke’s head was buried in her hair, and her cheek was against his chest. The steady thump-thump of his heart gradually slowed down, but she refused to loosen her hold on him. She never wanted to let him go. Julia, love. The words he had whispered as he shattered inside her filled her heart and sang to her soul.

  Luke had to struggle to free himself from her arms, but he was afraid he was crushing her. Shifting his weight off her, he rolled over and pulled her close to him. His heart was still pounding, and when he rested his palm on her breast he found with satisfaction that hers was, too.

  “Julia,” he whispered. He wanted to say more, to tell her how he felt, but the words froze and caught in his throat.

  “What, Luke?”

  His heart was threatening to burst, but he pressed her closer and stroked one hand down her back. He had to distract her from what he was afraid he had said aloud. When he could trust his voice, he murmured, “Tell me about it.”

  “About what?” She curled into him, pressing a kiss against his chest.

  “Why were you afraid?”

  He felt her stiffen beside him but he just held her tighter. After a moment she sighed. “It’s ancient history. Something that happened in the past. Something that has nothing to do with us.”

  “It does or you wouldn’t have mentioned it earlier,” he
answered quietly.

  He didn’t think she was going to answer, she was quiet for so long. Finally she shifted in his arms and looked up at him. “I’ve always sworn I wouldn’t get involved with anyone I worked with. That’s all I meant.”

  “Why not?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear, but he needed to know. If it affected Julia, he had to know about it.

  She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “It’s not something I’m real proud of. Who would be if they’d been played for a fool?”

  “Tell me, please. I have to know what ghosts I’m fighting.”

  She turned back to him then with a tender smile on her face. “You’ve erased all the ghosts from my life, Luke. None of it matters anymore, but if you really want to know, I’ll tell you.”

  “I want to know.”

  She paused as if marshaling her thoughts. “When I was first with Internal Affairs, I fell for a detective,” she began. “He was handsome and charming, and tried real hard to convince me he was crazy about me. I believed him for a while,” she said, a hint of bitterness in her voice. “I even thought I was crazy about him, too.”

  “Until,” he prompted, anger churning in his gut. There always was an “until” in this kind of story, but he couldn’t bear the thought of it happening to Julia.

  “Until I found out that he was a good friend of someone I was investigating in another precinct. I tried to convince myself that it had nothing to do with us, until one night at my apartment.” She closed her eyes to the memory, and he tightened his arms around her. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from telling her to stop. He didn’t want to hear about her with another man, but he’d asked her and now he could damn well listen to her.

  “I went into the bedroom to change my clothes. I had closed the door behind me, but I remembered something I wanted to ask him. I opened the door and stuck my head out, and I saw him in my briefcase, looking at my files.”

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He felt helpless to take away her pain, and the feeling made him even angrier. He burned to know who the man was, to avenge Julia’s hurt.