The Reluctant Assassin

by Alexandra Vos

  “What’s done is done. We have to get out of here.” He was bouncing on his heels, ready to make a run for it if I refused to come. “Ilona, please.”

  The sound of distant sirens spurred me into motion, but I still took the time to place the woman’s lifeless body carefully on the pavement with my gloved hands and close her eyes.

  Then we were gone, leaving the bloody scene as we fled back to the car. Glen wasted no time starting the engine and speeding off, but my unseeing gaze glued to the window, trying desperately to get her pleading eyes out of my mind.

  ***

  My chest heaved with sobs and I resisted the urge to smash something, to smash multiple things. It was so unfair. She didn’t have to die. She absolutely didn’t have to die. And she was the only one not to get an instant death too.

  Pulling myself together the tiniest bit, I retrieved my phone from under my pillow and dialled the number. “Ilona? You okay?”

  It was 1am and I honestly hadn’t expected Jack to pick up. I sniffled, but caught the sound of someone in the background. Ellie was there. “Yeah, sorry, I must have pillow-dialled you. Sorry.” I hung up before he could respond. My voice hadn’t been believable in the slightest, but he wouldn’t ring back.

  Slamming my phone across the room, I cringed as it hit the wall and dropped to the floor. Turning away from the room, I returned to the foetal position and sobbed anew. Ringing Jack had been a stupid idea.

  This was my problem and no one else’s. I alone had to deal with that woman’s agonised face myself as the bullet landing in her neck was replayed over, and over again.

  Chapter Nine

  My senses were dulled to everything around me. It was difficult enough to drag my legs off the ground and walk forward, never mind paying enough attention not to walk into anyone.

  I wasn’t ready to face Jenny.

  I’d had approximately zero hours sleep last night, even after a cold shower and all the soothing music I could get my hands on. I’d simply stared at the ceiling and hated myself. My eyes were still red, though I was no longer sure if it was from crying or tiredness.

  I hadn’t spoken to anyone back at the flats. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to ever look at Glen again.

  A hand brushed against my shoulder and I jumped, clutching my rucksack handle before turning around. I wasn’t sure whether Jack’s concerned face was better or worse than Jenny. “What’s up?” I tried my absolute best to mask any trauma with a fake smile.

  “What happened last night?”

  “What? Nothing. I pillow-dialled you, I said. I always sleep with my phone under my pillow, it’s so stupid. I’ve done it to Jenny a bunch of times.” My laugh was over-compensated and not even remotely believable. I still expected Jack to just leave it and go on his way. I wasn’t someone he needed to concern himself with.

  “Just tell me what happened.”

  My hands clasped together to stop them shaking, and then I was rambling. “Last night I had a job and it was killing some gang-boss, but then he was with this woman and I told Glen, I told him, that we should just wait until a different night, but he said we’d just avoid her and then he shot her, Jack. It was the last shot. He didn’t have to, but he murdered her in cold blood.” The tears streamed down my face, smudging the already haphazard make-up I’d put on this morning.

  Jack wrapped a pair of hesitant arms around my small frame and I didn’t hold back when reciprocating the gesture, sobbing at full pelt into his raincoat. At least I wouldn’t be ruining his clothing. He ran a soothing hand through my hair, murmuring soothing phrases. “It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault.” Was the main one.

  “She just didn’t need to die.”

  “It’s not your fault, Ilona,” Jack insisted. “You wanted to save her, you’re the good one here.”

  Only I wasn’t the good one, at all. I shrugged him off and turned away, chest heaving, but unwilling to accept comfort any longer. “I’m not good, Jack, don’t pretend. Just because your brother wasn’t innocent doesn’t mean I haven’t killed innocent people.”

  His interruptions fell short. I supposed he hadn’t assumed that about me at all.

  “Three. I’ve killed three innocent people.” I remembered all of them, of course. Rhianne, the aspiring lawyer who happened to piss off a powerful medical company with her campaigning. Toby, the retired CEO and avid gardener, whose son wanted all his inheritance immediately. Margarite, the Italian restaurant owner who exposed the affair of one of her customers by accident. “So please don’t comfort me.”

  When I walked towards the school, scrubbing at my sore eyes, Jack didn’t stop me. I’d no doubt succeeded in effectively alienating him forever. Maybe now he’d have less qualms about not protecting me and putting himself in danger.

  Walking into class, late, with smudged make-up and blotchy red marks littering my face was the most embarrassing thing. Even my teacher didn’t question my tardiness. Slipping into my seat, I was grateful Jenny hadn’t seen the exchange between me and Jack. I really didn’t want to have to answer suspicious questions as to why I hadn’t explained that we were friends - or more than friends, as she would probably enjoy to imply.

  At least now that would certainly never come up.

  “What happened?”

  My fake laugh was better this time. “Just my time of the month. You know how over-emotional I can get sometimes.” The perfect excuse.

  Jenny shot me an utterly sympathetic look. “Well, tonight you can come round and we can watch the latest Avengers film and eat all the chocolate I can find.”

  It did little to improve my mood, but hopefully I’d have calmed down about the situation by tonight. “That’d be nice. It’s a date.”

  ***

  Sweat poured down my face. It wasn’t often that a workout tired me out, but I’d been slogging away at this punch bag for seemingly as long as I could remember. My punches were even, methodical, and never-ending. I continued to count. It kept my mind at least somewhat distracted. As did the headache that had formed from blasting my music at an excessively loud volume. It stopped me being able to concentrate on anything more than the number of the next punch.

  When there was a tap on my shoulder, I was more than ready to launch a punch at their face. The possibility of Daisy was the only thing that stopped me. They wouldn’t have the reflexes to stop their nose being broken.

  Glen’s blank expression made me regret my decision. “I don’t want to speak to you. Please go away.” I’d pulled out my headphones so I wasn’t shouting, but promptly replaced them and went back to the bag before Glen had even opened his mouth. The urge to punch his poor attempt at Dale’s expressionless mask was overwhelming.

  The dull thud of my fist against the bag was therapeutic.

  Glen dragged my headphone from my ear, apparently irritated that I might not want to talk to him. “Ilona, listen. I wanted to apologise.”

  “Why, because Dale told you to make it right with the pathetic girl who couldn’t handle seeing someone die?” It was obviously the truth. I’d seen Glen’s face that night, he didn’t have a single shred of remorse for that woman.

  “No, because I mean it.”

  My eyes swept his face, before returning to the punching bag. “Fuck off Glen.”

  “Dale wants to see you.” No longer attempting sorrow, he left me with that information.

  Exhausted, my hands rested on the bag, my forehead knocking against it as I pulled myself together for Dale. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being angry. He was only going to tell me that I needed to get over it.

  Composing my face was difficult, but I managed it as I strode through to Dale’s offices. “You wanted to see me?”

  “Sit down, Ilona.”

  I hesitated before obeying and taking a seat opposite my boss. I slouched. “What’s wrong?”

  “You and Glen need to stop fighting.”

  “I haven’t punched him, no matter how much I wanted to.” It was hardly a fi
ght. I was ignoring him; he was no longer anything at all to me. “I just don’t want to be around him right now.”

  Dale showed some emotion for a change as his mouth turned downward in irritation. “She was collateral damage; unfortunate, but not the end of the world. She’d seen your faces.”

  “I told Glen to leave it and we’d do it next week. It would have been no trouble and she would be alive.”

  “Okay, and maybe he should have listened to you, but what’s done is done and you can’t change it, so go back and play some games on your computer and forget it ever happened. It’s not like you’ve never killed an innocent person, Ilona. I need you to move on so we can keep working together.” It was a thinly veiled threat that he’d force me to move along to yet another Guild.

  My nails dug into my palms in an attempt to control my anger, but it wasn’t working. Biting my tongue to prevent shouting, I stood and left. Taking out my anger on Dale definitely wasn’t going to solve anything - I was glad my mind could at least process that right now.

  When I noticed Glen in the stairwell to the gym, I took the first solution that came to me and left the building. Maybe going for a run would have the same effect as the punching bag. I could only hope as I burst into a sprint along the pavement. I kept myself at the very edge of human capability, my feet landing hard on the pavement and my breaths coming out in huffs.

  Despite already being exhausted, I managed to blindly run for at least half an hour before coming to a halt, my hands on my knees as I panted. My legs were ready to give in, but I forced myself up, settling into a steady walk.

  My mind wasn’t up to thinking. All my concentration was focused on misery as I remembered the girl I’d held in my arms, as I remembered the other innocent lives I’d taken. Reading the newspaper stories had been the hardest. Seeing their family members on television, crying and begging to know why.

  It was surprising I hadn’t just lost myself to no longer caring about anything anymore. Maybe I should have done, that would be easier. Back in Newcastle, the man in the flat above me spent all his spare time and money doing cocaine. Maybe that was the ultimate solution to leading my lifestyle.

  “Ilona.” The voice brought me out of my stupor and I instantly dropped into a fighting stance. Jack’s head poking out of the window had me loosening up, though. “What are you doing?”

  “I went for a run,” voice bleak, I suddenly realised that tears had been running down my face. I hastily wiped them away. I noticed that we weren’t alone, too. A girl was sat in the passenger seat of his car. It had to be Ellie.

  “You’re a mess.”

  “Thanks for noticing.”

  “Do you even know where you are?”

  Glancing around at the boarded up windows, I was forced to admit I had no idea. “I would have found my way home.”

  “It’s freezing. Get in the car, I’ll give you a lift home.”

  I hesitated, arms wrapping around myself at his words as the cold leaked into me. I was only wearing my tank top and short gym shorts: not exactly late night running attire in the middle of February. “I’m fine, really.” Seeing Jack wasn’t what I needed. Jack hated me. I deserved him hating me. “I’m going to run home.”

  “Don’t be an idiot.” He reached around and opened the passenger door from the inside.

  I dallied for a moment longer before slipping into the back seat, revelling in the warmth of the vehicle. “Okay. Thanks. I just had a fight with my parents. You can drop me off back home.” Maybe I’d be tired enough to just drift back to sleep after all the exercise I’d done today.

  “My coats in the back if you want it.”

  Now properly feeling the cold, I accepted his offer and slipped on the fur-lined garment. It was beyond toasty.

  “I’m Ellie,” the gorgeous blonde in the front seat turned around to introduce herself. It was only when she spoke that I became aware of the tense atmosphere in the car. I was quite sure it had existed before they pulled up beside me.

  “Hi.” My smile was still meagre. “I’m Ilona.”

  “You go to school together?”

  “Oh, yeah, I joined about three months ago. You go somewhere else?”

  “I’m actually at uni.”

  “Oh, cool.” I was glad when that concluded our conversation. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to make small talk with someone I’d never met before and it certainly had nothing to do with my sometimes weird feelings towards Jack.

  Thankfully we pulled up outside Ellie’s house in less than ten minutes. There were no displays of affection as she left the vehicle and callously remarked that they’d “talk later.”

  I climbed over the gear stick and settled myself in the front of the car, shooting a wary glance towards Ellie’s departing figure. “That wasn’t my fault was it?”

  “No, she was upset with me because I’d been drinking all day.” Guilt tricked in with his statement, but it also validated my theory about him drinking after Simon’s death. I was sure I was right. “But whatever, she’s not my mother.”

  “I’m sure she was just looking out for you, she’s probably right.”

  “You’re not my mother, either.”

  I waved a hand in defeat. “Don’t worry, I’m not even going to try and lecture you. I definitely have no right.”

  “What actually happened? You looked kind of out of it, to be honest.”

  He started up the car and turned around, heading back to my dreaded apartment building. “Just had to talk with Dale, where he told me to get over it. It’s not a big deal.”

  “It obviously was a big deal to you.”

  I shrugged, turning away to stare out the window at the bleak houses. “Nobody else cared. I wonder if she had any family. I haven’t seen anything in the news about her, other than that three people our target was with died.” I wondered if that would happen when I died; no one would probably care then, either.

  “They’re all dicks Ilona, at least you know you’re better than they are.”

  “Am I?”

  “Yes.”

  We lapsed into silence. I once again found tears gathering in my eyes. Was there a limit to how much someone could cry? My emotions were a mess. I was angry, sad, frustrated. Guilty. Unbelievably guilty.

  I didn’t deserve Jack looking after me, even if it was just giving me a lift home. Despite this, I still wrapped myself up tighter in his coat and snuggled further into the warmth it provided.

  “Look, Ilona, I know it must be difficult, but there’s nothing you could have done.” Jack was struggling with his words, but I knew he felt some kind of duty to cheer me up. I wasn’t sure why; I’d told him what I’d done, he should hate me.

  “You don’t understand.” How could he? He hadn’t been there.

  “I do-”

  “No, you don’t. She died in my arms, Jack. She was in agony, she couldn’t even speak. It was all my fault. I let Glen go ahead with it, I should have stopped him.”

  “It wasn’t your fault. I understand-”

  “No. No. You don’t. You’ve never been responsible for someone’s death. Imagine if your mother had been there when your brother got shot too. That’s what it was like. She was innocent. She didn’t deserve any of this.” My hands shook – my entire body shook – with anger now. I hated everything about this shitty situation. “Imagine if she’d been in your arms and you’d had to watch her die.”

  It wasn’t a fair example, it wasn’t even close, but it still spurted from my mouth in the midst of my self-loathing and anger. “I can’t imagine it. I’m not the one who’s killed innocent people.” Voice devoid of emotion, I flinched away from his comments. “It’s nice to see it finally catching up with you.”

  I didn’t speak again, but my nails dug painfully into my palm and my vision of the passing streets blurred through my tears. He was right, of course, and that just made it even worse.

  Still, I didn’t want to let him know he’d gotten to me. I stared defiantly out of the window, wi
shing I could take back ever getting into his car. I needed to stay away from Jack. It was unfair of me to go anywhere near him when I was this toxic.

  The shuddering breath I dragged in was louder than I’d meant and I quickly coughed to cover it. I couldn’t break down, not quite yet. We must be nearly home by now.

  My thoughts were confirmed when the car came to a halt. Without looking up, I reached to release my seatbelt and get away from the car. Sleepless nights and possibly begging someone for something to drink was what I needed right now.