River Deep

by Rowan Coleman

  Maggie had pushed her shades up her nose and watched the Victorian Gothic building, waiting for a glimpse of Louise, just like last time. Exactly as she had with Sarah. Except that Sarah had made the whole exercise vaguely sane. When Sarah had been there she hadn’t felt mad or desperate or idiotic. Ripped into tiny shreds of nothingness, yes, but at least she hadn’t been alone. Maggie had panicked then and nearly bolted, but just at that moment Louise had arrived.

  She was dressed in a knee-length beige suede skirt and red silk shirt, her golden legs turned out beautifully in a pair of tan high heels. Maggie had almost missed her, so lost was she in her tumultuous thoughts. Louise had paused only momentarily outside the door, seemed to take a deep breath and then gone in, greeting the workmen with a practised gusto. For the second time Maggie had noted that she had grace and poise. When she and Sarah had noticed it the first time, they had passed it off as sluttish and cheap. They were wrong.

  Maggie had stared at the chipped nail polish on her toes for a long moment and wondered. If she had had to sit on the train for ages, bombarded by the incessantly loud ranting of two teenage girls debating whether the best way to get a boy in class to fancy them was to let it be known that they ‘did it’, then the very least she could do was make the journey worthwhile. And anyway, one good look was all she needed – then she’d go back to being herself, but prepared, this time, for battle.

  ‘Don’t be an idiot, Maggie Johnson,’ Maggie said under her breath, surprising herself in the quiet street. ‘You’re going to get on the bus, go back home, run through your presentation to the bank like you said you would, and try to cost an opening menu that doesn’t involve nuggets, baskets and chips. You are a grown woman, not a ranting lunatic.’

  But by the end of her muttered speech she had found herself standing outside the doors Louise had walked through moments before.

  Cursing herself, she’d walked past the vaulted entrance as many times as she could before one of the decorators in the foyer had winked at her and waved. It was then that something happened to her that had never happened before. For the first time she’d felt light-headed and sort of cut loose, as if the whole morning had been an inexorable journey to the highest peak of a rollercoaster and now the moment had come when gravity was about to send her plummeting down to earth at speed. Before she’d had time to think about it, she’d walked through the engraved glass doors and up to the smiling decorator and tipped what little remained of her balance.

  ‘Hello,’ she’d said with a grin that was uncharacteristically flirtatious. ‘I’m terribly sorry, I think I’m a bit lost. I’m looking for the Fresh Talent office and the manager, Louise? Louise Bovary, isn’t it?’

  At that moment Louise had risen like Venus from behind the high-topped white ash reception desk with a box of stationery in her hands, smiling benevolently.

  ‘Oh, hi there, I’m Louise,’ she’d said, setting the box down on the desk. ‘Were you looking for me? Please accept my apologies for the state of the place, but it’s just been one thing after another the last couple of weeks, which I probably shouldn’t be telling you if you’re a prospective client. My boss’d kill me!’ She bit her lip on the last word and Maggie saw that she was nervous, maybe a bit harassed and worried about letting Christian down. She felt an unexpected pang of empathy and relief.

  ‘Oh God! Don’t worry. I’m sort of new to this too,’ Maggie had replied as she’d returned Louise’s anxious smile. She’s just a person, Maggie had realised with a shock, just a rather gorgeous normal person with the same insecurities as anyone else. For a moment Maggie had felt a strange mix of guilt and joy, as she realised that it might be possible to win Christian back from her after all.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Louise had said. ‘What did you say your name was?’

  ‘Carmen?’

  Maggie stared at the brochure copy which she herself had written only weeks before, somehow unable to get the printed words to make sense on the page.

  ‘Carmen! Are you OK?

  Maggie blinked and looked up at Louise, who was now leaning across the beech radial desk that Maggie had budgeted for, her face a picture of concern.

  ‘I’m sorry!’ Maggie leaned back in the chair and fanned herself with the brochure. ‘I think it’s this heat. It’s sent me a bit ga-ga. So, um, what were you saying?’

  Louise’s face relaxed and she smiled. ‘Actually I was saying do you fancy getting out of this office? There’s a nice place round the corner where we could have coffee. I’d offer you one here, but I haven’t unpacked the machine yet.’

  Maggie masked her surprise at the offer, but conceded that it was probably a good move on Louise’s part. The chaotic surroundings could put a prospective client off.

  ‘Um, why not?’ she said. ‘It would be nice to get some fresh air anyway.’

  Louise smiled confidently at her and strode to the closed office door. ‘Right, this way, madam,’ she said, gripping the door handle and turning it. It came off in her hand.

  ‘Oh shit! Oops, sorry, I mean …’ Louise regarded the redundant piece of metal in her hand and smiled wanly at Maggie. ‘I mean, oh shit!’

  This is my punishment, Maggie thought. This is divine retribution for coming here in the first place. I’m going to be locked for all eternity in an airless office with a woman whose breasts take up most of the room. But then, on the upside, at least she won’t be with Christian either.

  Maggie looked at Louise’s crestfallen face. ‘Don’t panic!’ she said brightly. ‘This sort of thing always happens at exactly the wrong moment.’ She crossed the cluttered office in two steps and took the handle out of Louise’s hand. ‘Here, let me try.’ Maggie tried to reinsert the handle on to its shaft, tentatively turned it and for one moment thought she had been reprieved from her eternal doom. Then she heard the handle on the other side of the door clatter to the floor. Followed by the connecting shaft.

  ‘Oh shit.’ Maggie said, looking into the wide eyes of her boyfriend’s mistress. ‘Now we really are fucked.’

  The two women looked at each other for a second, and then, as one, beat their palms against the door and shouted for help. After a few seconds they stopped, and Maggie felt her reddened palms tingle. Faintly, from down the corridor, they could hear the buzz of a drill.

  ‘They can’t hear us,’ Louise said. She laughed unconvincingly. ‘Oh God, Carmen. I’m so sorry. You’re never going to use us now, are you?’

  Maggie tried a consoling grin, but she was sure her newly acquired but mounting claustrophobia must be reflected in her face.

  ‘Never mind,’ she said stiffly, and then glanced at the phone on the desk. ‘I know, ring them. Ring the builders and tell them to let us out!’

  Louise looked apologetic. ‘We’re getting connected this afternoon,’ she said. ‘Oh, but my mobile, my mobile is … on the front desk. Oh fuck.’ She sat back down and, pulling open the desk drawer, produced a warm can of coke. ‘Look, at least we won’t dehydrate,’ she said bravely.

  Maggie slumped back into her chair and blinked. What was she supposed to do now? Carry on being Carmen, she guessed. At least this way, in a sort of crisis, Louise might open up a little, give away a few vital clues.

  ‘Anyway,’ Louise continued, ‘there’s always a bright side. It’ll be a nice treat for me to spend a bit of time with a girl, what with all the builders around. I’ve only been living in London for a few months and I haven’t had a chance to meet anyone much. The only friend I’ve got is my boyfriend!’

  Maggie forced a reciprocal laugh. ‘Oh no, we can’t have that!’ she replied heartily, hoping her brain would click into automatic pilot and do all the talking for her. Every now and then a small voice inside was screaming soundlessly ‘what the hell do you think you’re doing here?’ but for the most part it was like some dream, some movie trailer that Maggie just happened to be floating through, and even though she knew at the back of her mind that what she was doing was ridiculous – not to mention strange – she ju
st couldn’t muster up the energy to care very much.

  Louise led the conversation with an edge of mild terror, and Maggie felt for her. If Christian found out about this, the derision, not to mention the recriminations, would be endless, like when Maggie had once ordered thirty-two boxes of pak choi cabbage instead of king prawns. She’d never lived that down.

  Louise fidgeted. ‘Normally, I can’t go thirty minutes without my caffeine fix!’ she giggled.

  Maggie noticed her smooth skirt first and then her hair, before adjusting the neck of her shirt. After she had performed these ritualistic movements she experienced a moment’s stillness before going through the whole thing again.

  ‘So where have you come from then?’ Maggie asked her. Christian had said, but she’d not been that interested at the time. Some small place in Oxfordshire, wasn’t it?

  ‘Cheltenham. I was working at an events management company out there. When I came for this interview, to be honest I didn’t think I stood a chance! I had all the wrong kinds of experience. But, well, Christian and I just clicked.’ Louise giggled again. ‘In more ways than one!’

  Maggie giggled back, quietly alarmed at how easy it was for her to separate her mixed emotions into two piles, one labelled ‘violent angst for later’ and the other ‘cool and calculating for now’.

  ‘Oh, so your boss is your boyfriend!’ Maggie laughed, grinding her teeth. ‘Smart move!’

  Louise dipped her chin before looking out of the window.

  ‘Well, yeah. I don’t know if it was such a smart move,’ she said uncertainly. ‘But Christian’s just so … he’s got this really forceful personality, you know?’

  Maggie nodded vigorously. ‘Yes, I know!’ she said with vehement conviction. Louise looked confused. ‘The type, I mean. I know the type,’ Maggie amended quickly. ‘My ex was exactly the same.’

  ‘And, well,’ Louise continued, ‘he made all the moves. He came on to me, really strong and determined. And I have to tell you coming from him it was kind of sexy.’

  She sipped her coke thoughtfully and offered it to Maggie.

  ‘It was messy, though. After we’d been together for a couple of months I found out he had a girlfriend through one of our suppliers. He’d been with her for years. I wouldn’t normally touch a more or less married man in a million years, but I was hooked by then. We had a huge row, but it just seemed impossible to walk away. From Christian, from my job. If it all fell through now I’d have nowhere to go back to. Well, I would, but it’d feel like failing. I feel bad about it, though, I really do.’

  Maggie stifled the laugh of bitter recrimination that had blossomed on her tongue and managed instead to utter an all-purpose ‘Mmm?’

  ‘But in the end, he actually left her for me! Which is amazing, isn’t it? It’s never supposed to end like that for us other women.’

  Louise’s smile did seem genuinely surprised and delighted. Maggie struggled hard to hate her.

  ‘Why should you be surprised? I mean, look at you. You’re beautiful. I shouldn’t imagine that many women could compete with that!’ Maggie said, taking a deliberate gulp of the warm drink and feeling the bubbles burst at the back of her throat.

  ‘Oh thank you, but I always wish I was more like … you. You know, all elegant and smooth instead of all these lumps and bumps. And to think some women pay thousand of pounds for the hassle of carrying these things around!’ Louise patted her chest lightly. ‘Anyhow, I’d be happy as a pig on clover, but …’ she paused and lowered her voice … ‘I shouldn’t really tell you this, I mean, you’re a prospective client and everything but, well, as we’re locked in an office …’

  Maggie leaned a little closer to her, mirroring her gestures.

  ‘You can tell me, I won’t tell a soul,’ she whispered before sitting back in her chair. After all, if no one could hear them shouting for help, Louise could shout the details of her stolen personal life from the rooftops and no one would notice.

  ‘Well, the thing is, this ex, Maggie her name was. He still talks about her all the time.’

  Maggie sat up suddenly in her chair. ‘He does?’ she said, sounding far too interested. ‘I mean, does he?’

  ‘Yeah. I mean, I know that she was really involved in the planning of the new office until she decided to pack it in, but it’s not just even work stuff. If we see a film he’s already seen with her, he’ll say something like, “Oh, I remember the time Maggie and I blah blah blah.” Or if I suggest a place to go on holiday, it’ll be “Oh no, I’ve been there before with Maggie”, or “Maggie used to say …” Maybe not as blunt as that, but he obviously still thinks about her a lot and admires her. I feel sort of like a poor relation, you know? I’m sure I can never live up to this woman.’ Louise gulped back the rest of the coke. ‘In actual fact I feel like I’m living on borrowed time …’

  Maggie curtailed her triumphant grin as she realized that Louise’s eyes were filled with tears. Instinctively she squeezed her hand.

  ‘I mean, the thing is, Carmen, I really love him, I really do. I don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves me. What would you do?’

  Maggie froze for what seemed like an eternity, and for a moment felt the powers of the gods surging through her. Here, at last, she had a chance to shape her own destiny! Or she could just do the decent thing and um and ah and say, ‘Oh, I don’t really know, Louise.’ She looked at Louise’s open face. The problem was that she was much, much nicer than Maggie had expected. She was open and sort of innocent, with average insecurities and worries. Maggie understood what it was like to love Christian so much that you woke up every day with your heart in your mouth afraid that it had all been a dream. She had first-hand experience of how it felt to find out that it was all over. Furthermore, Louise was obviously intimidated by her vision of the distant ex, and that flattered Maggie, which made her warm to Louise just a little bit more. In a different time or place they could probably have been quite good friends.

  But when it came down to it, Maggie needed Christian back. She needed him in her life to make the world keep turning, the sun keep rising, her heart keep beating. For the past couple of weeks she’d done a decent job of keeping going, she knew that. But none of it meant anything without Christian there beside her, without him there in her vision of the future. He was essential to her experience, and Louise, however nice she had turned out to be, was not.

  ‘If I were you I’d force a confrontation,’ Maggie said lightly. ‘Let him see how jealous you are of this other woman and then maybe he’ll see how much he’s hurting you and change. You should just demand that he cuts himself off from the past entirely.’ Maggie smiled sincerely. ‘Put your foot down now or else he’ll never change,’ she finished, knowing how much Christian hated women putting their foot down.

  Louise considered the proposition seriously.

  ‘You’re right, Carmen,’ she said. ‘I definitely will. God it’s been good to talk to a girl again, it really has!’

  Suddenly there was a thunderous knocking on the door, making both women jump.

  ‘Oh, at last, the cavalry!’ Louise giggled. ‘We’re stuck,’ she shouted.

  ‘Right-oh.’ The handle shaft reappeared in the door and a second later the door was open. ‘Must be the cowboy builders,’ the builder said with a wink. ‘I’ll sort it out for you now.’

  Louise smiled at him gratefully and followed Maggie out of the office. ‘I don’t suppose you’ll still want that quote, will you?’

  Maggie shrugged. Might as well. ‘Oh yes, I’d still be interested,’ she said.

  Louise paused at the doorway and looked suddenly shy. ‘Look, I don’t know if you’re going to use Fresh Talent or not, but could we swap numbers, maybe meet up again for a girly drink? We sort of hit it off, don’t you think? I’d love it if we could.’

  Maggie imagined herself standing on a forked path where each turning led to a different type of rocky ruin.

  ‘OK,’ she said finally. ‘Why ever not?’

  Chap
ter Seventeen

  On his second Friday morning as a tutor, Pete noticed that at last his latest hangover from one of Falcon’s ‘quick bevvies’ seemed to have gone. As he dressed for college, perusing his five tops for a few moments before picking the one that was in least need of a wash, he had to admit he was relieved another week as a tutor was over. Although he knew that in two days’ time he’d have to go through the whole excruciating rigmarole again, for some reason the very fact that this was Friday made him feel like he’d just been handed a reprieve from the death sentence. ‘Imagine how I’d feel,’ he thought, ‘if I didn’t have to go and teach the fuckers at all.’

  Pete bundled his dirty laundry under one arm and carried it down to the kitchen with him, hopeful that Angie would lend him some washing powder. If he was really honest about the whole teaching debacle, he was disappointed in himself. He’d imagined enthusing a bunch of bright young things, imparting his knowledge to them in the time-honoured tradition. Like Yoda to Luke Skywalker. He’d imagined them thanking him effusively for giving them the skill and insight they really needed to succeed, maybe mentioning him in an Oscar’s speech or something.