Blessings from Ashes

by Megan Linski

  Shadi looks at me. Then he brightens.

  “Finally,” he says. “No more trunk.”

  “No more trunk.” I laugh. “Though I can’t promise any warnings.”

  “You, don’t take off,” Zahid says, and he points at Shadi as he tries on the earplugs. “I’m going to need you for Bennua’s surprise later.”

  “I know, I know,” Shadi grumps. “We’ve discussed this a number of times.”

  “You had Shadi help with my surprise?” I ask Zahid.

  “Yes, he did! Do you know how aggravating it is to try and plan two surprises?” Shadi moans. “You two have been running me ragged all holiday. I want a vacation.”

  “Then you shall have it,” Zahid says. “Merry Tajdid Alnaar, Shadi.”

  “What?” Shadi blinks. “You’re letting me out?”

  “Yes, we’re letting you out,” Zahid says roughly. “Take two weeks off. Come back after the new year. Don’t get caught by Rukuh.”

  “Woo hoo!” Shadi raises a fist in the air. “I get some time away from you stupid humans!”

  Shadi does a twirl and catches Zahid glaring at him. He instantly deflates. “Fine. I’ll stick around for the rest of today. But by midnight, I’m gone!”

  “Believe me, Shadi, no one wants you out of here more than I do,” Zahid complains.

  “Oh, come on you two!” I say. “Give each other a hug! It’s Tajdid Alnaar!”

  The two of them sneer at each other and do no such thing.

  A little while later Zahid and I retreat to our bedroom so I can give him my present privately. I hid it under the bed. I nearly feel like throwing up as I hand it to him.

  From the wrappings Zahid pulls out a beautiful coat. Made of silk and other rare fabrics, it is red in color, with oriental designs and gold buttons. On the back is a beautifully embroidered red phoenix, spreading its wings to take flight.

  Zahid observes the coat. I rush to explain before he can say anything. “It’s heavy enough to keep you warm when you travel, but light enough that it’ll keep you cool in the heat. It has a hood, to conceal your identity and keep your head out of the sun.”

  I hesitate. “Do you like it?”

  “You made this?” Zahid looks at me with awe.

  I nod. “It took me hours. I decided as I placed the last stitch if you didn’t like it I would strangle you with it.” I laugh.

  Zahid swings the coat over his shoulders. He slips his arms through the holes and buttons the coat at his chest. “It fits perfectly,” he marvels.

  “It wasn’t easy to make,” I confess. Yet I know every curve, every shape of Zahid’s body from touch, from memory. “I figured you needed something worthy of a sultan. Something no one else would have.”

  I add quietly, “And I wanted you to have something that reminded you that Alshams is always with you. As am I.”

  Zahid’s face softens. It’s a wonderful, sweet thing.

  “I love it,” Zahid says, and I let out a sigh of relief. “It’s a very thoughtful present.”

  Zahid pulls me to his side and gives me a kiss. “Why are you always so nervous when you give me gifts?”

  “I’m afraid you won’t like them.” I giggle, a little warily.

  “I’m not your mother and sisters.”

  “I remembered how much you liked the amulet I gave you. I figured you’d prefer something I made over something I bought,” I say.

  “I can’t wait for you to see your present. I’m nearly jealous.” Zahid’s grin gets bigger. He’s actually excited.

  “What kind of present?” I say, interest peaked.

  “You will see,” he says teasingly.

  Zahid takes my hand and leads me down to the stables. Since there is no one around we can, finally, be affectionate toward one another without being afraid.

  Zahid puts his hands over my eyes and guides me inside the stables. When he pulls his hands away I’m in front of Ahmar’s stall. He’s wearing a beautifully crafted bridle and saddle fashioned with red tassels. Designs of feathers and phoenixes have been engraved into the leather. The stirrups are gold, along with the bit and other small fastenings.

  “This is amazing.” I enter the stall and run my hands over the gorgeous gift. Ahmar nuzzles his nose into my neck. “Ahmar wears it well.”

  “I really didn’t like you riding around in that bridle and saddle Quasim gave you,” Zahid confesses. “So I made this myself.”

  “You made this? It’s incredible!”

  “Well…” he sheepishly shrugs. “I had magic. You should’ve seen how many times Shadi got it wrong. We were cursing each other out by the time it was finished.”

  “It was well worth it.” The seat is made of silk. I’m breathless.

  “Want to go for a ride?” Zahid asks. “You can test it out.”

  “Oh, yes. Let’s.” I lead Ahmar out of the stall, and Zahid tacks up Aalee. Although the leather is tight and hasn’t stretched out yet, I still find the saddle fits me comfortably as Zahid and I race around the desert dunes.

  I’m a better rider with the tools he crafted. This saddle will serve me well if I ever have to travel long distances again, which I’m sure I will.

  “Thank you so much for this, Zahid,” I say when we return to the stables. “It’s quite the perfect gift.”

  “That’s not all you’re getting,” Zahid says as he locks Aalee back in his stall.

  “There’s more?” My mouth nearly drops open. “But… but I didn’t—”

  “It’s okay. I don’t want anything else,” he says.

  Then, because he can’t help it, he snickers. “Ha. I win the holidays this time.”

  “It isn’t a contest,” I grumble, though I’m a little sour. I’m not used to getting beaten at my own game.

  When we come back my mother and sisters have prepared the final holiday feast. We eat together, and my family heads off to go to temple service.

  Zahid turns away, to go for a walk or something, alone. Instead of heading after my mother and sisters, though, I follow him outside.

  “What are you doing?” Zahid asks when I appear at his side.

  “I think I’ll stay behind with you.” I nudge him. “I’m not leaving you alone on Tajdid Alnaar.”

  “But you love temple service, especially today. You should go,” he argues.

  “It’d be quite missing the point if you were by yourself on the holidays, wouldn’t it?” I tease.

  He smiles. “I suppose.”

  The streets of Haya-Maa are beautiful, lit up with candles and decorations. No one is outside, save for children playing with their new toys. It’s mostly quiet, and cold.

  “Besides,” I add, breaking the silence that is only penetrated by our footsteps upon the cobblestone. “I think I need a break from temple.”

  “What are you talking about?” Zahid chuckles. “Are you my wife?”

  “It’s hard to explain.” I look down. “Sometimes, when I go to temple, I feel guilty. I more or less singlehandedly killed the god of this world through my own selfishness.”

  “Toshana gave herself up for both of us,” Zahid reminds me. “Alshams will come back into the world, someday.”

  He sighs. “Though in what form, I’m scared to say I don’t know.”

  “I don’t think we have to be worried,” I say.

  “What do you mean?” Zahid tilts his head. He seems curious.

  “Well.. Alshams came to me in the form of my best friend,” I offer. “I believe that Alshams appears to all of us in a way we can most love him or her. To some, a parent, a lover or a sibling. You’ve only seen him as he is— the powerful phoenix god— rather than what he means to you in your heart.

  “Whatever that means,” I add quickly as his face becomes confused. “I’m not sure in what form you could understand Alshams’ love the most.”

  He shakes his head. “I’m not sure either. All I can ever imagine myself seeing Alshams as is a benevolent force ruling over us all. Respecting him out of fear
, not love. I don’t understand how I could relate to him as you do.”

  “Perhaps…” I start, then stay silent.

  “Perhaps what?”

  “Perhaps… Alshams will return to this world in a form you can relate to this time,” I offer. “Maybe Alshams will become someone that it will be easy for you to love unconditionally.”

  Zahid tilts his head. “Maybe. Though I doubt we’ll meet Alshams reincarnated again in our time.”

  “I believe so,” I offer. “I just… have a feeling.”

  He laughs. “You and your feelings.”

  He nudges me. “Come on. I have to give you your second present.”

  “I nearly forgot about it,” I confess. “Is it time yet?”

  “It’s time.” Zahid threads his fingers in mine and pulls me to his side as we enter the palace. “Follow me.”

  We wind through palace corridors and twirl around columns until Zahid pushes open the large doors that open to the gardens. Here is where we were married… where Zahid came back to me—

  And where Toshana is buried.

  All around her garden are lights. Lanterns, red and green, hang from the trees and candles burn in colored holders amongst the flowers. Red and white poinsettias are sprinkled along the pathway and form a circle around the stone bench that sits next to Toshana’s resting place. Thin streamers trail slowly in the wind and chimes knock together to make a magical sound.

  This garden means so much to me. And Zahid has decorated it beautifully.

  “Do you like it?” he asks, prodding me.

  “It’s gorgeous,” I whisper. Toshana would’ve loved this. “Is this my present?”

  “It’s part of it. This is it.” Zahid hands me a small box. It’s smaller than my hand and tied with a big red bow. I slowly unwrap it, wondering what he could put inside that’s so small.

  I pull off the ribbon and let it drop. Inside the box is a small strip of paper. I tilt my head. Curiously, I turn it over.

  There, in Zahid’s writing, are three little words.

  Pray with me.

  My vision’s getting blurry. I look at him; tears are dripping down my face. “Are you serious?”

  “Completely.” He takes my hand. “There’s no jewels or presents I could give you that would mean more to you than this.”

  “But… are you ready?” I ask, uncertain.

  “I’m sure.” He takes the box out of my hand and puts it aside. “I want to give you the only part of me I haven’t yet.”

  “As long as you’re certain.”

  “I am.” He looks at me. “You’re going to have to help me. I’ve never done this before, not really. Not in the way you’re supposed to. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  “That’s okay,” I tell him. “There’s no right or wrong.”

  I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the heel of my palm, then take his hands and guide him to the stone bench. He sits beside me and I say, “Do you want me to start?”

  “That’d probably be helpful. Do I have to close my eyes or something?”

  “You don’t have to. I don’t.” I shrug. “It’s too distracting.”

  “What if… what if I look at you instead?”

  I blink. “I think that’d be perfect.”

  Zahid covers my hands with his large ones. He looks at me, expecting me to start.

  “Alshams,” I start, calling him into this place. I hope he, or she, is listening to me, because even though I killed her, I’m longing for forgiveness, and love. I just need to experience the memory of her touch, because I miss her so badly. “I want to thank you for everything. For giving us a good holiday, for protecting our kingdom, and bringing Zahid and I together tonight. And together in the first place.”

  I look at Zahid. His turn.

  “Uh—” he flounders. “Yes. I… I want to say— I mean, what I’m trying to get across, no, what I want to say is—”

  He stutters off and takes a stabilizing breath.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. His cheeks redden. “I’m not very good at this.”

  “You’re doing fine. But you’re trying to sound so… important. It’s just a conversation,” I say.

  He nods. “Right. I’ll start over.”

  Zahid takes a deep breath. “Alshams, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you before, and tried to run from you all those years. It was hard, and it hurt. I didn’t understand why you allowed us to starve, or allowed people to hurt us. I don’t know why you would let terrible things happen. Why you took my mother from me.”

  I take my thumb and wipe away the tear that’s fallen from his lashes. He sniffs and gets himself composed.

  “But I suppose it all worked out for the better. Because I have Bennua now, and we have a chance to make life better for other people. And I realize having all the answers isn’t important anymore. It’s not my place to know. But I do know I have to make the best of what you gave me, and turn my pain into blessings. I know, because that’s what my wife taught me how to do.”

  When he speaks this time, it’s different. His eyes, they change. So many colors and lights and all that brilliance shining within them. The feeling between us, the emotion— it’s different now. It’s as if I can see and feel the fire sparking inside his chest, be wrapped within the warmth and incredible power blooming inside his soul, because I can feel it in mine, too. It’s like the two of us are connected.

  “And, Alshams, thank you so much for bringing Zahid back to me,” I cut in, unable to contain what’s escaping out of my mouth… or, rather, my soul. “I know I’ve thanked you a thousand times, but a thousand more, a million more, will never be enough. He is wonderful, the greatest man that you could’ve ever picked out for me. I only hope that someday you’ll come back to us, and come back to us soon, so all of us will be together again.”

  Zahid starts forward. He grabs me by the back of the neck and pulls me in, placing his lips upon mine and blissfully kissing my mouth.

  You know, I always think we can’t top our last kiss until we up and do it. Every time.

  “Um… amen?” I say when he pulls back, and I laugh.

  “Sorry. Couldn’t help it,” he replies. “Did you… mean all that?”

  “Of course I did. The best gift Alshams ever gave me was you. Loving you is the greatest privilege I will ever have,” I tell him quietly.

  “It was so beautiful. I could never say amazing things like that.”

  “You can. You say them to me all the time.” I move closer. “Was that okay? Did I push you too hard?”

  “It was fine,” he says. “Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.”

  I smile, and put my forehead to his. “Thank you again,” I whisper quietly. “For doing this with me.”

  “It wasn’t just for you,” he replies, and he twists a strand of my hair in his finger. “I suppose it was for me, too.”

  I raise my head and kiss away the remaining tears that are drying on his cheeks. “Come. There’s one last thing we have to do— before the new year.”

  An hour before midnight finds us in Haya-Maa’s town square. Everyone is attending; the area is lit by large beacons filled with fire.

  The priests are handing out yellow paper lanterns and white candles to put inside. There are children, elders and families.

  But… mostly… there are couples. This is the end of Tajdid Alnaar, where everyone ties their wishes for the new year onto the lanterns and sends them up into the sky as prayers to Alshams.

  Most people can’t read or write, so the priests are writing for them, or they ask others who can write to help them out.

  “There you two are. I was wondering where you’d gone to,” Shadi says. He rolls up a very, very long strip of paper and ties it to his lantern.

  “That’s quite a wish list, Shadi,” I say in a teasing manner.

  “That is. Give Alshams some time to think about the rest of us, would you?” Zahid says, though the jibe is jovial. Ecstatic, even. Is there a c
hange in him?

  “It’s not a list. More of a letter,” Shadi confesses. “And not so much to Alshams, either.”

  “Someone you miss?” I offer.

  “There is someone I miss very much,” Shadi says somberly.

  Quietly, he adds, “One day, we’ll meet again. And I don’t intend to let her go this time.”

  Shadi then smiles and claps Zahid on the back. “But, until that time, I’m stuck with you two. Unfortunately.”

  “Very unfortunately.” Zahid takes a lantern from the priest. I grab two quills, some ink, and two tiny strips of paper. I hand a quill and a piece of paper to Zahid, then sit on the edge of the square fountain. He sits beside me, back to back.

  “If you and Zahid have the same wish it’s supposed to come true within the next three years,” Shadi says wisely. “Make sure you two read each other’s minds, as I have no doubt you two are able to do.”

  Zahid makes a sarcastic, but happy, noise. “Not so much.”

  “No peeking,” I say, and I kick Zahid’s leg with my foot.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it, my queen.”

  I tap the feather quill against my mouth, wondering what it is I wish for and what Zahid could possibly write down. An idea comes to me. I scribble down a few quick words on the paper, then roll it up.

  I hand it to Zahid, who has set up our lantern. We tie our wishes onto it. Together, we light the wick. We each take a side of the lantern and hold it until it fills with hot air and rises out of our hands. Our lantern, along with thousands of others, rises above the square and flies over the city of Haya-Maa. They sail into the desert sky that’s riddled with stars.

  It’s a brilliant sight.

  “Do you think we wished for the same thing?” I ask Zahid as we watch our lantern float away.

  “Let’s hope so,” he breathes. A weight seems to have been lifted off his shoulders.

  “One last thing,” Shadi murmurs. He snaps his fingers. From the sky comes trickling down large, white, and puffy objects... something I’ve never seen before. The strange white specks spiral all around, dancing in a circle, creating a dazzling display in the square. I do not know what it is, but the millions of tiny flakes captivate me.

  “It’s beautiful,” I hush. I reach out to touch it with my fingers. “Shadi, what’s this?”