“You killed him?”
“I saved us.”
He nods as if he understands my reasoning. As if what I did was actually okay. Would I go to jail if I got caught? Or would they find a long time missing serial killer who was responsible for the death of so many. Technically, he’s trespassing in my own house. The law is on my side. Self-defense on my own property.
I win.
I just got away with murder.
***
I run down the stairs and to the front door, flinging it open into the cold. Jacko grabs my arm. And for a moment, I think he might change his mind about siding with me, understanding me, but when I turn to look at him, he smiles and pulls me in for a hug. “Go. Get out of here.” He kisses the top of my head. ”Thank you, Chloe.”
“Thank you,” I choke out. I take a few steps forward before I stop and turn around. “Hey Jacko?”
“What’s up?”
“I hope you save your wife. I’ll keep her in my thoughts.”
He doesn’t say anything. His cheeks fill with pink. He nods and inhales sharply.
I run down the familiar streets of my childhood neighborhood. I run past the elementary school, the one Alex and I attended together at some point. I run by the memorial rock, the one for Alex. The one that is now a true memorial of his life, and not just his mind.
Tears pour from my eyes. I need him so badly. I need to feel him. I need his arms around me. I need him to make this pain stop. My tears burn my face, like water on oil. The pain in my heart thickens. It slows me down like a tarred surface. But then I remember: second chances. I reach into my coat pocket and pull the green pill out. It’s tempting, even without knowing the effect. The adrenaline rush from needing to know more courses through me, and I pick up speed until I make it to the highway. I flag down a cab and direct him to my dad’s apartment.
I fling the door open and find Sammy and my dad playing checkers on the floor. I run over to him and drop to my knees, pulling him into me. I kiss his head and inhale the scent of his hair. “How was the movie, little man?”
“It was so cool, Mom! I had popcorn and lemonade and I got to sit on Grandpa’s lap the whole time. This has been the best birthday ever.” He gleams for a moment, but then his smile fades. “Is everything okay, Mommy?”
I smile, knowing that if I do what Alex wants me to do, Sammy will be safe here with my dad for however long that time is intended to be. “Everything is going to be okay, yes. Keep playing with Grandpa for a few minutes. I have to do a couple more things, and then you and I can go do something for your birthday. Okay?”
I see my dad staring at my hand that’s around Sammy. It’s covered in blood. I hadn’t noticed it before. My father looks sick with wonder. If he knew I just killed James, would he be happy, scared or upset? He doesn’t need to know.
“I don’t want to go without Grandpa, Mommy. He has to come with us,” Sammy says. His eyes are pleading with me to agree. “I should stay here with him for a while.” What does he mean by that? He said I and not we.
“Mommy, do I get to stay with Grandpa?” He jumps up and down with excitement. My dad looks dumfounded and confused. I don’t have time to explain. I need the notebook. “We’ll see, Sam. I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’m just going into the other room. We’ll talk about it when I come back in.”
“Chloe, wait,” my dad says. “Did you find out that information on your mother?”
“She’s locked in her basement right now. I have a feeling you can get whatever you need from her, including her signature. Send Officer Ash over there.” I smile.
“Really?” He releases a loud laugh. “Oh my God. I’m free from that witch.” He continues laughing. He’s hysterical, in a crazy way. But I can understand his feelings. “Thank you, Chloe. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what else to say.”
“No need. Really.” I stand up and walk toward the room I slept in last night.
I sit down on the mattress and pull the notebook out from under the pillow. I flip to the back of the book, thinking there has to be something here.
The last few pages are blank. I keep flipping until I come to a page that has a tightly folded note shimmied into the crease of the pages.
I open it, and read:
Chloe,
Tomorrow is the end for me. But, my ending is the beginning of our story. You’ll understand soon.
Life is not worth living if it cannot be real, and even though our dreams have always been real, you deserve more.
The locket will give you a second chance. It will give us all a second chance.
The truth is, the real life you think you are living is nothing more than a dream. The contents in the locket will change that. You will wake up with warmth, kindness, and love.
I know this. Because I’m here, waiting for you.
I did not die, Chloe.
I simply woke up.
Love Always,
Alex
I close the book. I’ve read enough. He didn’t die? Yet, he’s gone. He left me with an explanation scribbled on a piece of paper. I am supposed to take this pill, and say good-bye to what I understand as real. But I won’t. Sammy needs me. He needs me more than I need Alex. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t have understood four years ago. If I left him, he would feel more hurt than I could ever comprehend. That’s not something I could do to him, not after he lost his dad. Dead or in another reality, he’s gone and not a part of Sammy’s life. I won’t do that to him too. I place the notebook back under my pillow and walk back out where Sammy and my dad are still playing checkers.
“Sammy, do you want to go get dinner somewhere? I’ll take you wherever you want to go.” I smile.
“May I come?” My dad asks.
“Can he? Can he?” Sammy shrieks with excitement.
“What about Mother?” I ask my dad.
“Cindy is dealing with her. I don’t want to see her. I want the divorce papers, and that’s what I’m paying Cindy to take care of for me.” He stands up and picks up the checkers board. “I would much rather join my two favorite people for dinner tonight.” How do I tell him that kind words and a few smiles don’t fix a lifetime full of neglect? “Please, give me a chance to prove who I am without her. Please, Chloe.” I can’t bear to hear him beg for my pity. Sammy and I are alone now. Forgiveness might behoove me.
“Sure. Join us.” I force a painful smile. He moves in and wraps his arms around me tightly. His chest heaves with sobs. “I’m so sorry, Chlover-Belle.” He inhales tensely. “I was horrible to you. I don’t deserve you, but I will try so hard to make it up to you.”
“Okay Dad. Okay,” I whisper. I wrap my arms around him and I look over his shoulder at Sammy, who’s clapping, showcasing a large smile. He gives me the thumbs up. It makes me think I’m doing something right. My wise son always tells me when I’m right or wrong. “Where should we go, Sammy?”
“Actually, I have an idea,” my dad says. “Sammy, how about a surprise?”
“Okay!” Sammy shouts, followed by laughter.
My dad grabs his keys and jacket and helps get Sammy’s jacket on too. I place Alex’s leather jacket back over my shoulders and feel for the pill that should still be in the pocket.
Still there. Where it will stay.
***
“This is the coolest place I’ve ever seen!” Sammy runs through the entrance of the restaurant, growling at the large animals on display.
“I always wanted to take you here, kiddo. But your mother wouldn’t allow such fun,” my father says.
I nod. “Yup.” The Rainforest Café, something else I missed out on. I don’t even care anymore. I could live through the look on Sammy’s face, happily.
“Grandpa, will you take me to the bathroom?” Sammy asks. It’s clear he’s taken quite a liking to my dad. I would have too if he acted like this while I was growing up.
“Is it okay, Chloe?” My dad asks.
“Sure. I’ll go put our name in.”
I pu
t our name on the waiting list and take a seat under the hippo’s mouth. Every time I’m alone, I want to cry. I already feel the hot tears forming behind my eyes. I wish I could just be strong and stop feeling everything. I have to live through this for Sammy. I have to survive for him.
Someone’s leg brushes up against mine, and I look over to see who would be sitting so close. Twenty something, blond hair, blue eyes, and freckles in the wrong places. “Shouldn’t you be in the bathroom with Grandpa,” I ask. “You should stop drifting. It’s bad for you, and it doesn’t do any good. Clearly. Look at me.”
He places his hand on my shoulder. “Mom.” His voice is so deep. It’s hard to recognize my little boy anywhere inside of this grown man. “Whatever decision you make will not affect me. You have to know this. I’ve lived through what you’re about to live through. I know what decision you make.”
“Sam, the decision I’ve made is to stay here with you. I will never leave you. I’m not going to go die and leave you alone.”
“Mom. You have to live before you can die.” He laughs. “If you want to be with Dad, and I know you do, do what you have to. You will see me again. I promise.” He wraps his arm around my neck and kisses me on the cheek. “Grandpa is a cool guy. Let me stay with him while you take care of things.” He stands up and hovers over me. He has to be at least six feet tall. “Whatever Dad said in that book of his was well thought out. It’s okay to listen to him. He has my best interest at heart too.” He smiles. “Now, go order me a burger with fries. Grandpa is waiting for me outside of the bathroom stall.” He laughs again and disappears behind the hippo.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:
THE PILL
I HOPE this works. I mean, it has to work.
"Sammy, can you get mommy a glass of water?" I ask, watching him put the final touches on his stick-figure drawing.
I wonder if I'll forget about him. I wonder what will happen to all my memories. I watch the little head of blond curls bounce over to me, happy and carefree.
"Here Mommy. Here's your water," he says, with a content look.
"Thank you, Sammy," I respond with a lump in my throat.
I carefully place the glass of water down on the counter and kneel down to Sammy's level. "Come here, sweetie," I say, wrapping my fingers gently around his little arm. I pull him in close to me.
"What's the matter, Mommy?”
"Sammy, Mommy’s going to go find Daddy now. But, you are going to be just fine. I promise you." I pull him in tightly, wrapping my arms firmly around his back. Words aren't coming to me. I can barely breathe as I contemplate the decision I’ve already made. I kiss Sammy firmly on the top of his head and inhale the sweet smell of his freshly cleaned hair. “Do you think you’ll be okay staying with Grandpa for a while?”
“Of course I will be. I already told you this.” A broad smile stretches across his dimply cheeks. “Do you want me to tell him you’re leaving?”
“No, no. Let him sleep a little longer. When I leave, you can wake him up. I will leave him a note.” I grip the countertop above me and pull myself up to my feet. If I don't do this now, I won't do it.
I place the green pill on my tongue and pour the cold tap water down my throat. I fall to my knees, not from the pill, but because of the fear eating away at my nerves. I could have just killed myself with this thing, and I won’t know until I either wake up or don’t. I try to remember Sammy’s words.
You have to live before you die.
Sammy wraps his arms around my neck and presses his face into my cheek. “You made the right decision, Mommy. I’m proud of you.” I look at his face, his smile, his freckles, and his beautiful blue eyes.
My focus wavers and his face blurs into a blinding light.
The light is warm like the sun, and the air around me feels like a blanket of clouds. I hear laughter in the distance as I become a part of an unknown world—one that's warm, welcoming, but not so new.
I’m in a tunnel of memories. They’re surrounding my head like a domed theatre, and they’re speeding by me like cars on a highway. I catch a glimpse of each one. Each memory is filled with sound, smell, emotions, and touch. I can feel Alex. I can smell him. Our lengthy car ride from Charleston to San Diego sweeps by me. I can see the image of laughter, singing, and the wind blowing our hair everywhere. I hear Sammy’s voice shrieking Old McDonald Had a Farm from the back seat. I can feel the happiness. I can feel the undying love.
I see the playground near our first apartment in San Diego. Alex’s hand is engulfing mine as we chase Sammy around in circles. I feel whole. I feel real.
Our wedding day.
Our first apartment in Paris.
Tasting cotton candy for the first time.
His words, “I never got a chance to introduce myself to you the other day. My name is Alex Levette.” His voice sounds like honey. My heart tingles and my stomach prickles with nerves. I can feel the same way I felt that day.
Only the happy moments in my life will live on in my memory now. Maybe I am dead. Maybe this is what everyone sees when they die. The happy moments in their life.
But as the happy memories end, darkness swoops over me, making me feel as though I took a wrong turn somewhere. Is that possible? Can I really get lost on the way to heaven?
A light blares in my eyes, flashing quickly and then disappearing again.
Life as a child flickers on like a light. It’s not a life I remember though.
Or maybe I do.
I’m riding a bike. I’m wearing a pink Barbie helmet. My dad is on his bike in front of me looking back with a smile. My mother is next to me on her bike, also looking at me with a smile. We’re all happy. We were all happy?
I’m now climbing onto a school bus, and I take a seat with a little blond-haired blue-eyed Alex. “Hey Chlo,” he says in a child’s voice. “What did your mom pack you for lunch today?” Can I answer him? Will he hear me? It’s like a movie that I’m a part of. I was a part of it. It was my life. I think.
The light flickers again. Now I see Alex and me sitting at a small wooden table. We’re gluing Popsicle sticks together. “My mom is going to love this mother of the year award.” The child that must represent me says to Alex.
“Mine too. We’re so lucky, Chloe.”
More lights.
More lights.
More lights.
Headlights.
A car. It’s facing me.
It’s speeding toward me, but in slow motion.
I look to my side. Alex is next to me. Celia is on the other side of him. Alex’s mother and father are in the front seat. Alex’s father removes his hands from the steering wheel and crosses them over his face to block the blinding headlights. I hear Alex’s mother shrieking from the front seat.
“Chloe, Al, close your eyes, kids. It will be okay. I promise.”
More lights.
I hear sirens. They’re muffled. I feel Alex’s hand grab mine. He doesn’t say anything, and I can’t talk. Everything burns. Everything hurts. I want to scream, but I can’t.
More lights flicker.
I was in the car accident with Alex. I don’t understand. I do understand. Am I dead? Am I alive? I’m scared. I’m scared of the light. I’m scared of the dark. I want to get out. I feel claustrophobic. I want to get out. “Help me!” I scream. But no one responds. I don’t think anyone can hear me. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Darkness and light flicker like a strobe light into my eyes. “I need back up, stat!” I hear a man’s voice yelling from the distance. “Driver B has no pulse. Car reeks of alcohol.”
“Car A?” The voice over a radio says.
“Three adults and two young children. All with severe trauma.”
“Five more vehicles are on the way. Over.”
My mind is becoming numb. I can’t understand where I am. What I’m looking at, hearing, or feeling. Pain surges and then weakens like a contracting fist.
More blinding light.
I hear more
sirens. I hear metal ripping apart. I smell smoke, lots of thick smoke. I need to cough. But I can’t. A light bounces around in front of my eyes. It isn’t so blinding, but it’s very unsteady.
I feel a cold wind brush up against my skin. Two fingers press into the side of my neck. “Weak pulse for the girl. We gotta get her out quick.”
My eyes flutter briefly. I see Alex. His eyes are closed. There’s a shard of glass sticking out of his pant leg. Blood is trickling from his nose. And the seatbelt has left a burn mark around his neck. His blond hair is covered with tiny speckles of glass. It looks like someone dumped a bottle of glitter over his head.
My eyes drift over to Celia. She’s so young and beautiful, even with her head pressed up against the glass. I don’t see any blood on her, but I also can’t see very well. My eyes feel blurry, like there’s a glaze of water covering them.
I don’t get a chance to assess Alex’s parents in the front seat before two large hands yank me out. They place me down on a flat board as more coldness shocks my nerves.
More blinding light.
Straps tighten over my body, making it hard to breathe through my lungs. My body presses down firmly against the board as I’m lifted into the air.
“We’re losing her,” a voice shouts from above me.
More blinding light.
I feel my body float upwards. I feel as light as a feather. I feel as if someone wrapped me in a warm blanket and is cradling me in their arms. I smell flowers and freshly cut grass.
I smell heaven.
I feel heaven.
I’m on my way.
The light shining down from the sky is welcoming me with open arms. It’s so inviting. It’s reeling me in with angelic music.
Another blinding light pulls me back down.
Something plastic is shoved over my nose. Hands are pressing hard into my stomach. I feel two objects land on my chest.
Zap. Zap. My body flails in conjunction with the electrical currents whizzing through my body like water from a garden hose that has been released from a long pinch.
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